Hello! I do not currently care for my in-laws. They live independently. However, my 83-year-old mother-in-law has severe scoliosis and she is quite physically deformed. She is bent over 90 degrees with one hip jutting out. She uses a simple cane. She is unable to use two hands for anything. She is unable to go up steps; she crawls on all fours. She is scary-close to a very bad fall. The issue is she denies there is anything wrong. She refuses mobility aids of any sort. She fiercely insists she can do anything. She refuses accompaniment to the doctor, thus no one knows her state of health or doctor's advice. Her husband and both of her sons are too passive to get involved or "make mom mad." Any suggestion is treated as aggression by her. Apart from this, she is sharp as a tack. I am hoping for some advice on how to convince her to accept a walker, a more stable cane, rails and hand grips, some housekeeping help or cooking help, things of that nature that would make more comfortable and reduce her risk? Must I wait for her to fall? Thanks in advance for any assistance.
Cwillie, I cannot have much of a conversation. She is a good mother-in-law to me but she has been 25 years of reserved and formal. We are friendly and civil. My husband says she has never been warm and intimate with anyone.
My husband has tried here and there to bring up a suggestion and her response is an anger you rarely see any other time. (Kind of scary, actually). An example: She is an avid gardener. At a Christmas, we presented her with a delightful little garden scooter (after watching her trim her garden beds on all fours with scissors). She was ferocious in her offended refusal almost as if we asked her to commit a crime. I do like your suggestion about presenting change as a way to keep her independence. If I can get the menfolk to sit down with her and stay on script....
They have given up trying. They have no more compassion for it. They have accepted her choices. It embarrasses me. For example, we go to dinner. When we leave, she struggles to rise, creeps out of the restaurant, refuses a guiding hand ("Why would I need a hand? I already have one."), and the men walk out ahead of her, leaving her behind. I stay with her. She doesn't seem to understand why. :)
Jeannegibbs, it is amazing what she finds acceptable. Her ways of coping with getting around would humiliate me, but she seems okay with it. She visited our new home and we had not yet installed a railing for the steps. My husband tried so hard to give her a hand up and she angrily refused. She crawled up. I also am thinking on your suggestion about retirement 'benefits.' Good idea!
Another example: she proudly showed us how she bought a kitchen rolling cart to help her get food out of the oven, to the table, etc. My husband saw that as a willingness to talk about her mobility, and he suggested one of those lightweight and snazzy walkers with a seat. Down came the guillotine!
She is incredibly proud, independent, and self-contained. She is rather phenomenal as she writes almost full time for the local paper, reporting from her home.
Great help and thank you! I am going to see how I can get some talking points simplified for a conversation. I wish I could be there for it as I have no fear or hesitation, but as you all noted, as a DIL, I would blow it all up. Privacy is important to her and I am sure the lock-down would be quicker with me there.
Can she afford housekeeping help? That might be suggested as a retirement benefit, without any reference to her mobility issues. If FIL is not very active in contributing to the household maintenance then she would just be joining him in retirement. If I could afford it, I sure would "retire" in that way!
Is there anything she might accept for her husband's sake? "I know Dad is still pretty steady, but at his age we should think about some grab rails in the shower. And just beyond the patio door."
Maybe piece by piece small changes could be incorporated as long as they are not associated with her mobility issues.
But otherwise, she is content as she is. I hope I can say that at 83!