I need advice. My 99 (almost 100) year old mom is frustrated because she feels that she is losing control of everything (and she is!). She pretty much has all of her faculties, although she's slipping now here and there. I know she's frustrated and feels marginalized and I try very hard to give her what she needs and wants -- I plan activities for her to do alone, things we can do together. I've told her she can help me with housework, cooking, etc. (she doesn't want to do that! :-)). I do a little Doordashing on the side and when she feels up to it, we go together. I try to give her autonomy. But she is almost completely blind, almost totally deaf, and unable to ambulate well under her own power. She needs my help. Our latest struggle has been the medications. She wants to self-medicate in some areas and her doctor says no, to talk to him first. This causes huge blow ups because "I want to do what I want to do! I always did in the past! I've lost everything! I can't even handle my own physical needs without getting your approval!" Did I mention mom is also borderline personality? Your advice?
Pick your battles and use "therapeutic fibs". Allow here to think she's choosing medications for herself (and i'm not sure what this means) but then just substitute them. Maybe consider hiring a companion from an agency to come in and keep her entertained for a few hours a week, take her on a drive, etc. I hired a companion aid for my 2 very elderly aunts and they loved her. She also did light housework and food prep and just chatted with them. You need a break so that you don't burn out. Wishing you wisdom as you walk this path with your mom.
Get her hearing aides.
Let her go with you places if she chooses.
By her age every onedeserves to be able to do whatever they want.
Ask her what she would like
when she spent a few weeks with me I noticed the pill box was not correct. She was on the wrong day. Then when I stayed at her house during a crisis I was cleaning out a drawer in her kitchen I found weeks worth of loose pills. So we don’t know what she did or did not take.
the only way we had a resolution was when she had 24 hour care at home and they dispensed the meds. But then she asked every 5 minutes (no kidding) when we were going to give her medications. No amount of explaining made it clear that it was not time and she was very nasty about the whole thing.
a solution we found perfect for developmentally disabled BIL was bubble pack. Not all pharmacies do this.
A solution we considered for BIL was a timed dispenser. They are pricey but that was not the problem . We wanted to find solution where we did not have to fill the box.
I read once medication issues are the number one reason for placement in care facility.
good luck
Your mom is a treasure. Value your time with her. Give her all the time you can. Socialize her. Take her out every day to eat and to movies. Answer all her questions honestly. Positively. With hope. With a winning attitude. You'll never have her back once she's gone and there is nothing more valuable than her. Without her, you wouldn't even be alive. My mom had a ring. $250,000. Where do you think it is? On her finger. That's hers, not my inheritance. Get my meaning.
I'm glad to help. If I had believe every doctor, she'd be dead since 2009 or earlier. Believe in yourself that you can find the answer. Be patient and confident and it will come. Don't listen to people who don't know enough to advise you, too. Lying is often bad due to she will figure it out and then come to not trust you. You can do it better than that fatalistic attitude of lying like there's no other way.
So PM me and we can start to dialogue about your mom. Remember, nobody, not even doctors, care about your mother more than you do. And they don't know everything. That's one reason you get a second opinion, right?
Naturally, there are many things she won't be capable of and these supplemental medicines symbolise her authority over this last vestige of choice.
I realise how the lines of responsibility in care can easily become blurred to find yourself running all facets of someone's life, but this issue is between your mother and her doctor.
As the 'man in the middle', you are being shot down from both sides.
By all means express your opinion and reiterate the doctor's advice, but please respect her informed choice.
Research side effects and notify the doctor to check for conflicts or some variation of scripts to compensate - there's always a compromise available.
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