I just inherited my 87-year-old mother after she fell and broke her neck. Should she be placed in nursing home?

Just to make a distinction here - unless she needs skilled nursing, she might do well in an assisted living facility where she would get help bathing and dressing and have social activities

Some places have continuing care where folks move from assisted living to the nursing home side when the need arises but usually they are non ambulatory at that point

Raingirl--
Your initial post asked the question "should my mom go into a nursing home" and I think every single person who took time to write answered that YES, she should. Were you looking for support in maybe most of us saying "oh, no , bring her home"? That just won't happen here. You ask a ? and most of us will be brutally honest. It seems like you made up your mind to bring her back home anyway, so I am bit confused.

From what you say, your mom is HIGH MAINTENANCE. Very high. You get NO help from sibs. Your 15 yo son is still home. She is falling, a LOT. She broke her neck, most recently. She abuses (probably not even aware of it) OTC meds and that is causing bowel and bladder incontinence. You yourself have poor health. You sounded quite frantic, in your original post...do you feel a lot differently now?

It is a huge mistake for ANYONE to "promise" a parent that they'll never put them in a "home". You just cannot make that decision when all is well and the person is independent. You said mom could live to be 100. You are retired, so I assume you are in your mid-to late 60's. Your health will be incredibly impacted by mom's continuing needs and level of care. She may outlive you, if you wear yourself out caring for her. Does your son want to step in? Have you actually sat down with him and ASKED HIM how he feels about Gma living there? My kids are the sweetest things ever, and they freaked out about having a dying/sick person in the house with them. I truly doubt your son is a fan of this. If your mom is bladder and bowel incontinent, the smell must get pretty ripe at times--how does your son feel about that? Teenage years are crucial--kids made stupid mistakes and choices--I didn't work all the years I had teenagers, they needed me more than they did when they were small. And the "smell". I'd come home from FIL's and shower and change twice a day as the smell would cling to me. Your son probably has noticed that his clothes also probably smell like a dirty bathroom--despite your best efforts.

My concerns are real and I think everyone who has answered you will agree--for your MOM's sake, she needs a higher level of care than you can possibly provide--NOT that you aren't doing a great job--but from your description, mom's care has taken over your life.

I understand that she doesn't want to go into a nursing home. I didn't want to go to Kindergarten....but often, we don't KNOW what's best for us and someone else has to make the hard decisions.

Not all NH's are awful. Tour some, see the behind the scenes. Your mom will get much better care, you can be there as much or little as you need, and your focus can be on that teenager. In 3 years, he could be off to college and you'll have missed those years. He could also build up such resentment towards you and Grandma--you don't talk much about him, but he has a right to have a voice in this.

Sorry for the long post, but this one hit me in the heart as we went through a similar thing. We did finally arrange for FIL to go to a NH, during his last hospital stay, and he passed away before we could even begin the search. He also did NOT want to go to a NH, but we had no choice. As much as we did for him, he needed 24/7 care.

Raingirl--I am not speaking from anger, but concern and "having been there". I'm sorry if you feel you're breaking your promise, but you can still have a say in her care.
And, she is coming home with a neck brace still on? That is going to make everything harder. It likely has not healed much, if at all--and Aug 10th is only a couple weeks away.

Since you don't seem to "get" what we are all trying to tell you, with as much compassion as we can, I will simply wish you luck and hope that the next fall mom has isn't worse than the recent one. IF she falls and breaks her femur, for example, you won't GET the option of time to find a place for her. You'll be forced by the drs to have her in assisted living.

I'm not angry or judgmental--I just feel like a lot of people are trying to help you and you don't want to listen. Oh COURSE you have to make the decision you feel is best. Please come back and let us know how it goes. We're all kind of in the same boat.

And keep a close eye on that teenager. 15 is a hard age--almost independent, sounds like he has a LOT of unsupervised time as you care for mom.

If I were you I would be seriously looking into a nursing home for your mother. You will also need to find out about Medicaid because there may be qualifying delays associated with the money or items your mother has already given away. Believe me it won't get easier and few people can manage 24/7 care. If your mother is falling already, you are likely to hurt yourself helping her. That is just what i did. Parents always say they want to leave money to their children, but the greatest gift they can give is allowing their "children" to have a life. My own mother shared care of her parents with three siblings. By the time mom was 45, they had both died. By contrast, I STARTED caregiving for my wheelchair addicted mother when I was 47 (she used/overused a wheelchair until she actually needed one) and at 63, I am still at it. Thankfully she is now in an AL. Don't worry you'll have plenty of work, even if when your mother goes into a nursing home. Most family members carry home laundry, make Dr appointments, arrange transport and much more. I know that my mother is likely to spend every cent on her care. I just nod when she tells me I'm inheriting.

Hi Midkid58,
I see what you mean and I am hearing you. But she is already living with me. She can go to the bathroom by herself for now, and she has her own room. It's just that she has a neck brace on, and I think it makes it more difficult for her to do things. She has an appointment Aug 10, to see how her neck is doing, and hopefully it has healed and she can get the brace off. Then we will see. But I do see a declining weakness in her legs. She uses a walker. She does get Physical therapy 2X a week, and an Occupational therapist comes in to bath her 2X a week. And no, I am not at all interested in the inheritance, she has just always told us that she doesn't want to go in a nursing home. I can see that most parents that get put in there, die sooner then at home, because of the loneliness. I would like to hang on to her as long as I can, because I love her very much. My son is doing okay for now, since we have other bathrooms. They are just too far for my mom to go, since she has accidents sometimes. I have purchased a small cabinet with doors for the bathroom, so she mom can put her personal items in it, so they won't be out in the open. I have also purchased a small bathroom trashcan with a lid. Thank you all for your suggestions, it is a lot to consider, but I appreciate being able to vent, and get ideas!

Raingirl, I remember back when I was helping out my late parents, who were in their 90's, and Dad telling me that I was going to have a really nice inheritance. To which I said to him "if I live long enough to see it.... you and Mom will probably outlive me".

If mom is getting up that often for the bathroom, I kinda feel its time for depends,, although you say you are buying them already. Just tell her what we tell our patients.. just go!! And I agree cut down on the laxitives! even my mostly with it mom wears a depends at night when she takes one.. she just doesn't move fast enough to get to the bathroom

I have to add that my mother has held "our inheritance" (wink wink) over our heads our entire lives, hinting that there are millions of dollars somewhere to be shared.

Not only is that not true, my brother who is her Financial POA told me straight up she has ONE life insurance policy that pays $50,000 and savings of about $15,000, which will be totally eaten up by "final needs" ie: funeral expenses. Period. There are five of us to inherit. $10,000 is not going to make one iota of a difference in my life.

I don't think I'm unusual in this. $50K seemed like a LOT of money to Mother back in 1975 when they bought this policy. Now, it's not even enough to buy a "luxury" car.

Forget the inheritance and take care of your son. Very few people ever really inherit large sums of money. My kids won't.

You are willing to put your son through this so your brother can have an inheritance? What?! Why is having your siblings not be mad at you more important than having your son not be distressed by his living conditions.

Here is who you should be looking out for, in order of importance:
You
Your Son
Your Mom
.... way down the list ...
Your siblings.

Your mother's money is for your mother's care.

With people living so much longer and having so many expensive illnesses, it is not common to be able to leave a financial legacy.

Your mom needs to be in a facility. Why in the world is she going to the bathroom 28 ties a day? Sounds like it's time to stop the laxatives as a first step. And probably all of the over-the-counter meds she's on. She needs more help than you can provide. It's not fair to your son to have his world turned upside down because his grandmother is needy.

Get her in a facility where there are three shifts of people to help her. You need to go back to being a daughter and not her nurse, cook, laundry woman, maid, etc. And let your son be happy to see his grandmother, not frustrated and angry with her.

I feel you aren't hearing us---DO NOT bring mom back home. Period. Your heart is in the right place, but it will be a disaster.

After the hospital, the next obvious "stay" is in rehab. If not, then they'll send her home. You need to be planning NOW where to place her.

You say that she has a will and wants everything divided 5 ways, but she has no home and was living in a rickety trailer? This makes no sense to me.

Any money she has is HERS to be spent on HER. If there is anything left when she passes, that is the time to deal with any inheritance.

Seriously, your son would have to be some kind of angel kid to be OK with sharing a bathroom and small home with his sick, aging grandma. Maybe if she had her own suite and lived somewhat independently...but it sounds like you aren't really going to be able to do this.

Most of us on this site have siblings who refuse to help, for whatever reason. You have the same problem. Your first priority should be your son. Then mom.

You really have no idea what it is like to care for someone who needs the level of skilled care that your mother now needs. I just see disaster written all over this.

Not meaning to offend, but help. You mean well, and perhaps you too are looking at the "inheritance". In honesty, NO amount of money my mother left me could make up to me the pain she has put me through in my life. I'd rather see all her money used to take care of her.

Pease think this through, seriously. Moving mom from the hospital to a NH would be MUCH easier than bringing her home for a while and then moving her. You can blame the drs if you need to. Say she needs more care than you can give her. Visit her as much as you can/want, but she NEEDS to be cared for by professionals.

Yes. Mom should be in skilled care.

Oh forgot to mention, no I don't pay for the things she needs. Only some small things I want to give her. She got her walker through Medicare and she has money in the bank that I can use for supplies, like depends, laxatives, toiletries, and all. She doesn't have a house, per-say. She had an old rickety trailer, but she moved out when she got hurt and gave it to my brother. She also had an old car she gave him too. But she does have money in savings, and she gets Medicare. She does tell me to take what I need, and I do for supplies, but not any for myself. I'm sure I could if I wanted. I started her a bank account here where I live, so she can keep her other money in her old bank in savings, and if she gets a little better we may take a trip to go get it and transfer it to her bank here. Don't know yet.

Raingirl, it's instructive don't you think that the one sibling who was previously involved in your mother's care "threatened" (myself, I'd say "proposed") to put her in a nursing home.

At the risk of his saying "told you so" I suggest you admit defeat and join forces with him. Your mother's needs are past the point where she can be cared for responsibly in the home.

And your 15 year old son will be telling his grandchildren about when he found his granny's teeth in his washbasin. The poor lad needs privacy.

As for hypothetical legacies... tough. Your siblings will get their fair share of whatever estate your mother leaves. But while she lives, your mother's money is your mother's, and is required for her care. If they were counting on it, they shouldn't have done. They've no grounds whatever to complain.

Thank you everyone. The one suggestion that doesn't help though is asking my siblings for help. One is a lazy bum that has mooched off the state all his life, the other is a hard worker and helped a little but has 3 kids of his own and a very tiny place that he rents. Then my sister I believe has liver cancer or something, and may be getting dementia. She certainly can't help. The older brother, says he can't do it anymore. Actually he never really did. She had a trailer on his land, that was all. She did for herself. But after she gets her neck brace off, I am hoping things get better, but doesn't really look like it. As for my son, he is okay for now, but I see what you are saying. I will just see how things go after a few doctor visits, and determine what needs to be done. Thank you all again! :)

I BET your 15 yo son is mad!!! This is time to put him before your mom--15 yo boys are capable of doing just about anything, and they have rotten judgment and not the world's greatest skill set for thinking ahead. Hubby wanted me to bring his dying father home to our house (So I could take care of him while he died). We had 2 daughters still home--18 and 16. They both said they'd leave if Gpa came to live with us. I understood and different arrangements were made.

Time to find a place for mom. And good luck to you with the sibs. Yes, she very likely could spend all her money in professional care, and if your family is worried about the inheritance, allow them the honor of cleaning up after mom and losing themselves in her care. (Nobody will do it, trust me).

The falling is going to continue--we always say "Mother is one 'superfall' away from being in an ALF"....and we know, when winter comes, she will always fall, a few times. Your mom is falling at home. You feel responsible--but honestly? She'd going to fall wherever she goes.

Start the search for a NH, whatever her needs are. If there are sibs who will help out, let them, but it sounds like you are rowing the boat alone.

Your son needs you, more than you know. My own girls were so grossed out by the care that grandpa needed, that they as teenagers couldn't deal with---and I am sure your son feels the same way. Not saying he doesn't love Grandma--just, sick, aging people are hard to be with 24/7, and he needs to have a place to come with friends where he doesn't have to worry about Grandma and keeping quiet.

You just have to trust me on this--I KNOW if I had brought dad home, my daughters would have left--and they were both at crucial ages when they needed a parent THERE.
I ended up going to dad's 2-3 times a day and once in a while taking one of the girls with me to help. They were able to spend quality time with Gpa and not resent him for taking over our lives and home. (Well, he took over MY life, but I did it willingly).

Good luck with the sibs. Seems we all have some who just refuse to help.

This is the really tough stuff that no one really knows how to handle well

Frankly speaking, falls and getting to the bathroom constantly will not improve much in a facility - most do not have the available staff to assist - it is frustrating

It sounds like mom needs an assessment of all the OTC meds - If she has some financial wherewithal but won't accept having an aid for a few hours come into the house then start researching assisted living facilities

The whole process is daunting and may take some time to figure out

Time to spend her money on her care. No one is entitled to an inheritance. And I can understand your son's point of view. He's a young man who should not have to feel like he's living in a nursing home. What is happening in his bathroom is unsanitary and it's only going to get worse in the three years before he reaches the age of majority and can move out of your house. You and your siblings need to come together and form a plan.

"The problem with the nursing home is I heard they would take everything she owns for her to stay there. In her will she divides her money up evenly between 5 kids, (which for me, I don't care if they take) but for the other kids, they will be so mad, even though they can't take care of her."

You should get more than 1/5 for doing the caregiving. And your mother should be paying you for her care now. As FF asked, who is paying for her supplies?

Why do your sibs think it is okay for YOU to do everything for THEIR mother? If you are not able to take care of your own health (and multiple night awakenings to tend to your mother will destroy it quickly), you will die before your mother does. And then what?

Sounds like your mother needs to be in a facility. Everyone may lose the inheritance, but, really, so what? If your sibs think it's so important to preserve it, let THEM take your mother in.

Unfortunately when Wills are drawn the person doesn't know or realizes that all that money can used up for health care and housing. I never knew how expensive it was to come old until I witnessed it with my own parents. It was a slap on the forehead moment.

Since Mom is living with you, is she paying for her care? I know it is a difficult subject but I hope you aren't paying for her Depends type garments, pads, canes, walkers, and anything else she might needed.

Could Mom budget Assisted Living [not a nursing home], where she could get a lot of attention, and be around people closer to her own generation. My Dad had moved to such a place and he loved it there. Assisted Living can run around $5k per month depending on where you live.

Nursing Homes can average around $10k per month, I know, yikes expensive. Now if Mom can sign up and qualify for Medicaid [which is different from Medicare] then Medicaid will pay for her care... yes Medicaid will request that Mom's social security help pay for her care. If Mom owns a house, Medicaid can put a lien on the house to help be reimbursed for Mom's care. If Mom has any savings accounts, she would need to self-pay the nursing home until she reaches a certain dollar amount. Yes, the siblings will be super mad, but that's the facts of life when it comes to elder expenses.