We moved my mom (dementia, macular, hearing issues) to a lovely AL this week. She thinks she's 40, so everyone there is "too old" for her. She's angry, threaten to take a taxi home, and unwilling to give it a try. I know there will be difficult days, but what do I say to her when she's complaining?
We've been telling her that her septic system backed up (which was true - now repaired) and she can't live there, but she's defiant about "getting out of this place".
How do you handle these calls - which are becoming very frequent. I am having surgery next week, but will be able to visit the following week. And that scares me too - what is that going to be like?
Any advice would be so appreciated!!
She may be resistant to change, change is hard for those with dementia it really upsets their balance. The AL facility should be more than able to handle your mother's resistance and get her into a routine where she will hopefully adjust. Let them do the work - just try and understand how scared she may be - it is a big change after all.
There are a few things to try to help her:
1 - Consistent routine. Most likely the AL has a routine. She needs to be encouraged to give "this place" a try until she gets used to the new routine. Then, the new routine will be "her routine."
2 - Spoil her a bit: visits, phone calls, flowers, small gifts, treats... anything that can help say "We love you", "We remember you," and "We're in this with you" can help her feel she hasn't been abandoned or warehoused. This may need to continue for a couple of weeks and then taper off a bit to what is more manageable for you and your family.
3 - Talk to her doctor. Since she is talking "hostile" she may benefit from a mild anti-anxiety medication for a month or 2. The medication can help take the edge off her anxiety, fear and frustration so she can relax in her new home. When she is more attuned to her new "home" and routine, the medication can be weaned to a low dose or weaned off completely.
This is new for us, although we have been in the throes of this for several years. During the pandemic, we've been creating a mini-assisted living in her home with every accommodation I could think of - cameras, caregivers, disconnected stoves, but I was just putting a bandaid on a sizable wound. Now that the ALs are opening up more we've made this move and I need to become okay with her not being happy all the time. Because short of bringing back her deceased husband and mother, she's not going to be "happy". And heck, I'm not happy all the time either. Thanks again for your kindness.
I do wonder if assisted living is the best place for her considering she has dementia. What does the facility do to ensure she doesn't indeed call a cab and walk out?
First off, you have to set down some boundaries, some rules as far as how many calls you're willing to take from her in a day. 1, 5, 10? What is comfortable for you? Then you have to come up with pat answers for her continuous questions. A good answer is that she's in the ALF b/c her doctor feels it's the RIGHT place for her to be at in this stage of her life; it's the safest place for her to be, with medications managed for her and care available for showers, etc, and meals served 3x a day. Her DOCTOR has ordered this move, and he is the only one who can give her permission to go back home again. That won't happen, of course, but that's the reason you keep giving her for why she's there and why she has to stay put.
Can she call a cab and tell the driver what her address is? If she's actually able to do that, then you have a bigger issue on your hands than getting angry calls from her! Hopefully she cannot do that, and she's just complaining...........
Visits need to be brief. You'll need a plan for those, too. Bring photos and small gifts and treats to give her. Also bring another person as a buffer, if possible. I NEVER go visit my mother alone. She treats me miserably, but she treats my husband like a King. So, when I bring him with me, she's all nicey-nicey. If I go alone, she'll tear me apart with her big sharp teeth, so I don't go alone. You'll learn what not to do from growing scar tissue; that's the truth of the matter.
My mother is 94 with moderately advanced dementia and now resides in the Memory Care bldg of the AL she's lived in since 2015. Her new topic of 'conversation' is that she's 'getting on the bus to go to New York *we live in Colorado* to visit her mama, papa and siblings* who are all deceased. She's the last man standing now. I just go along with it, but remind her the bus isn't going anywhere in the evenings due to Covid. Then she tells me she doesn't know how she'll get 'home' *to my house* so she thinks she'll just stay in her apartment tonight. I say that's fine, mom, whatever you wish.
So you play it all by ear, is what I'm saying. Some days are worse than others. It takes a while for them to adjust and acclimate to AL life, and to make friends and learn the new lifestyle. Once your mom gets into the swing of things, she'll be fine, I'm sure. She'll use you as her sounding board & scratching post, so you just have to learn how to side-step the worst of it.
Wishing you good luck & Godspeed during the adjustment period! Good luck with your surgery, too, and I hope the recuperation is swift & total.
Perhaps you need to just let her calls go to voicemail, so you won't have to think of what to say to her. You can always just check in with the person in charge of the AL if you are at any point concerned about her, and want to know how's she doing. Your mom is going to be just fine. She just needs time to get used to her new surroundings, so don't worry, she'll adjust.
You just need to take care of yourself now, with your upcoming surgery. I hope everything goes well with it. Best wishes.
Her image of herself is more spry as well. She is probably one of the more mobile ones there, and she knows it. However, for where she is mentally (completely unaware of how unsafe her AD is making independent navigation) I think it’s the right place. The facility had a staff covid exposure right when she moved in so no in room visiting yet, though I can schedule to visit in public areas. Everone’s vaccinated. Mom was a little confused at first, then a little down, but in the last two weeks she seems to have hit her stride and this week is saying she likes it.
Hallelujah!
I was really second guessing my decision and feeling guilty (sleepless), but having her hunkered down in my living room all day while I worked and she withdrew into her own little world wasn’t good at all. They just opened up dining with more than one resident at a table, and that’s helped a lot. Ask the facility if they can pair her with someone to help her navigate the first few weeks. I would usually do one visit a week, sometimes not very long because the move is disorienting, and she was not able to focus. If you think that a visit will agitate her, then discuss it with the nursing director and maybe back off on calls and visits until she’s settled in. I was definitely expecting an uptick in her dementia as she worked to assimilate, and she was definitely frazzled, but they kept her oriented and directed. Now she seems pretty content. I hope that your surgery goes well and that your mom will settle in soon.
Thanks for the well wishes too!