My Mom's in a nursing home.I don't want to visit my mother in the nursing home. She was placed at a very nice rehab facility after a recent bout (we've had multiple bouts of this illness pattern) of pneumonia, UTI, conjunctivitis, congestive heart failure, atrial fib etc. She experienced delirium for about 4 days while in the hospital and she needed to have a nurse sit with her 24/7. She has vascular dementia (small vessel disease). She is belligerent. She is manipulative. She lies, i.e., lies about her finances, lies about her health issues etc. I have POA, but I keep uncovering more financial disasters, unpaid accounts etc. She then starts to whine and tells me what horrible care she is receiving. I'm a horrible son and she should have left me to die on the sidewalk when I was born. She can't walk without assistance. She urinates and defecates in her clothes. She defecates in the shower - when the facility insists that she get cleaned up. She refuses basic grooming assistance. I've paid for the hair styling, but she says the hair stylist never showed up, whereas I find out she threw the stylist out of her room. She then becomes very child-like and starts the "I'll be in here forever; I'll just wither up and die." I am working on her medicare spend down, irrevocable trust for funeral arrangements, a guardianship. The nursing home invoked her health care proxy with the following open-ended dates - vascular dementia, personality disorder, mood disorder, alzheimers disease. At this time, I just DO NOT want to visit her and go through the same series of complaints and whining. Any input into this? I don't mean to appear harsh, but my visits are nightmarish and no matter how I try to turn the conversation into a positive interaction, it gets us back to the above - or - the assassination of the Russian Tzars at the onset of the Russian Revolution. Any insight?
You aren't helping a person in agony by treating them like crap.
It truly makes me sick reading all of this. These are your PARENTS ... you know And this will be YOU someday.
Remember the parable "Do unto others as you would have others do onto you".
If you cant, get out of caregiving. Its not for you.
Hugedoof, did your mother love you when she was well? If so, then remember that, because your "real" mother would never act like this.
If she didn't love you, remember that it's her failure, not yours. Not all women are equipped to be mothers, but the minimum job requirement is to love your child.
Please don't expect to have a rational conversation with her, because she is no longer rational. Maybe the right drugs could help. Pester the doctors to find the right drugs.
My BFF's mother had borderline personality disorder, and was a poor mother in many ways. She said similar cruel things. My bff hired me to visit her mom. She wasn't my mother, so it didn't bother me when she criticized me. I would just laugh, and then she would too. She was nice to me because I was fond of her. Is there a person other than you who could go and visit? I know it might not work in your case.
Calm down as much as possible. Visit as rarely as you want. Take someone with you for protection. Ignore almost everything she says. Remember she's a pitiful old woman whose life is almost over. If you can feel pity for her, you might be able to upgrade to compassion. She may not deserve compassion, but she needs it. And it feels so good when you can be compassionate. Best wishes.
So, what I do when I do visit is when mom begins to rant, I tell her I am going to leave if she continues. Sometimes I have to leave. Give her some time to settle in, and take comfort in knowing you are not alone nor to blame for what she is doing. My mom is a DNR, she signed it herself thankfully. I would look into that with the state of your moms being. I wish you well.
I suggest that you continue to visit, but not stay around for the whining and accusations. "I can see that my being here is upsetting you, Mother, so I'm going home now. I hope when I am here Wednesday we can have a pleasant visit." IF Mom's brain is still processing cause-and-effect, she MIGHT learn from this to tone down her complaints in order to have you visit. But it is also possible that dementia will prevent her from learning this lesson. The only way to know is to try it. If keeping your visits short when she accuses you doesn't help, then keep your visits infrequent.
I don't think you are harsh at all. You have to look after you too. Mother pressures me to "fix" non existent problems, and take her away from "this dangerous place." I find it very hard to know how to respond to her , in person or on the phone, I have done some reading about how to respond to delusions and you may find that helpful. You are not supposed to agree or disagree, but state your own perceptions and maybe explore the reasons behind theirs. I feel I need a crash course in dealing with paranoia and delusions.
Give visiting a break, see if whatever treatment she is under helps, don't beat yourself up - it sounds kike you are doing a great job looking after her stuff. Keep in touch with the NH to find out how she is doing, maybe send a card once in a while. I am thinking about doing that as I am at a distance and a card is much easier than phone calls and visits, though I do make trips down to see her. Let us know how you are doing. Venting helps and hearing from others lets you know you are not alone ((((((((((((((hugs|)))))))))))
It is easier for me, because I am 1500 miles from Mother. But, I hear the stories and I say God Bless the staff at the nursing home.
Have you read the book Coping With YOur DIfficult Older Parent? It is right on.