Have you dealt with trying to move a parent in with you but knowing that his/her 3 cats are not going to work in your house? Am I being unfair? I have 2 dogs, Mom's 3 cats tend to urinate in the house and I do NOT want that in my house!! Can you think of a compromise?
Although her dog and cats might be older and tough to "retrain", you might be able to curb some issues... It might mean a little extra effort on your part, but it is possible. So many people think cats are not "trainable" but they CAN learn some things (there are cats who are trained for various venues, including TV/movies) - in my case, some "training" just came with keeping certain routines. Those who are not allowed in another zone, but slip through the door and go full tilt generally just get some HEY HEY AHH AHH NO HEY and they scramble back to their zone. The other funny thing is they can tell time, minimally. Treats are done just before bed and one knows where her "perch" is for her treats, another dances a jig and makes her "hissy" noises, which is all she can do (cannot meow!)
Even dogs can be "retrained." When my son's dogs were at my house, crated, if I went out there to let them out during the day when he was working, bedlam/barking. I would just stand there and wait them out. Once they stopped, if anyone started on my approach, they had to wait until last! It took a few times, but eventually they learned too!
A thorough checkup/testing should be done for sure. If possible, eliminate the dry food, esp for males (FF actually now makes a "gourmet" offering that is a bit better than the "classic", ingredient-wise.)
Isolating the cats from each other could test for the personality issues - if they each have their own space and litter and the peeing stops, then one or more do not get along and likely never will (the first two who had to be separated in my household were bitter enemies. One of those two, both female, is relentless in keeping another, a VERY sweet non-combative male out of her "zone." The other apparently doesn't like females in general.)
Also, the general rule of thumb is # of kitties = # litter boxes +1, so there should be 4 boxes, not 2. I understand the concept with that, but in practice it was not part of any problems we had! More often than not, one or two boxes were preferred - apparently they ascribe to Triumph the Insult Comic Dog theory of my poop being good for me to poop on! I used to call these the "Litter box du Jour!" I scooped often and had many boxes in various locations, but it always seemed like they mostly had to use the same one!
The issue I encountered was personality based. Not all cats get along. I have a few who consider one or another absolute scum and this will NOT ever change, so I have 3 "zones" for the 11 who live here.
I'm sorry. Good Luck.
IF the relationship with mom is and always has been very good and she isn't likely to develop dementia anytime soon, I would at least give it a try. One can always change their mind and work on moving to AL.
With our mother, I knew that was not going to happen, even before the dementia. She can be difficult to the point of being nasty, doesn't like pets and always tells me to get rid of the cats, and is very critical of EVERYONE. We never really had a lovey-dovey relationship, but if she were not so difficult, I would have considered taking her in. Given her normal negative disposition, refusal to move anywhere, refusal to let aides in, onset of dementia, plus her difficulty standing/walking, inability to really do stairs and outweighing me by a lot, it was a no-brainer that it would be a disaster to take her into my home. I would likely be the first to die!
It is great that there are more no-kill shelters and more people willing to take a chance on older cats. The first two adopted from my local shelter were 4 at the time. I more recently took in a semi-feral one-eyed male who lived 10 of his 11 or so years in a no-kill! Having lost the brother of two who had their own room due to personality issues to a dental cleaning, I needed a "roomie" for her. Tried two kittens, so she could be queen bee, but apparently she doesn't like females (the kittens were brother/sister, had to move them to another zone.) Have had this guy now for several years. Not a lap cat, but not really feral - he allows heads butts, some petting and for the most part is fine (doesn't like restraint, catching him for vet checks is tough, can't really do meds, but is "okay") He gets along VERY good with PB, and she with him, he's now in a room with a tiny 6.5# tortie vs a similar sized room with 11-13 other full sized adult cats... Sometimes it can work!
First of all, there is the cat urine. I tried to buy a house once that was in horrible shape due to cat urine everywhere, especially the basement. We had 4 different remediation companies come in to give estimates. The cost was close to 20K and none would guarantee that the smell would not return. So that kind of damage is a very real thing. I myself would not have 3 cats with urination problems come in and damage my home.
Second, do all you can to find good homes, shelters, etc for your mom's pets. this is a hard choice, but you have to be the grown up here. You are going to have to take care of yourself, your mom, your pets, and I don't know what or who else.
Maybe you can do the cat shed someone suggests below. If you can do that, it sounds like the compromise.
It's never good when someone who can't take care of pets, takes in animals. Now you are having that responsibility thrown on you. All I can say is trust yourself to do the most compassionate thing that you can. That might include bringing them to a shelter and hoping for the best. Honestly, any decision that you make is not one I would judge.
We did have a woman pass away and her son contacted us about her 12-15 cats she had left behind. He made a donation to the shelter to build a separate cat house for them where they could live out their lives. It was wonderful: basically a portable garden shed with windows, then poured a cement slab next to it around which a screen/wire structure was built so the cats had indoor/outdoor living. Often it was my job to clean that portion of the shelter and the cats were very content being together in that way. After her cats died off (this was about 15 years ago), her "cat house" remained a loving tribute to the woman and her love for her cats and was home to many future homeless cats, many of which went on to loving homes.
I understand money may not allow such a thing. Honestly, in the absence of handing them off to a vetted home, these cats don't really have a future. If you live on acreage or in the country, maybe you could try them as outdoor cats (assuming they are fixed and not declawed). I can tell you it would be kinder than shelter life unless these are young and highly adoptable cats. If you take them to an animal control facility or a shelter, it's probably the end of the line for them. That being said, I can sympathize with your situation and there is no easy answer. My mom took in a neighborhood stray 10+ years ago - when we found it dead last year I was relieved because I was starting to wonder how I would take care of it if mom had to move from her home, as the cat had a rather nasty disposition.
Having read an article some time ago about a woman who died in an accident but had left detailed information about her cats, I started a document for all of my cats - preferences, who gets along, how best to "pair" them (or not!) for adoption, what they eat, current medical status, etc. I also did mention to my kids that the shelter is where all but the 20+ yo came from, so they would take them in (no-kill rescue/adoption/shelter for life, even the ferals!) Since all but one came from that local no-kill shelter, so I would want them to go there. Some might find new homes, as they are nice cats, all indoor, no real medical issues, no fatties, etc! We have no real nasty dispositions, all are fairly easy to care for, with possible exception of the ~14-15 yo I adopted 2 years ago to provide a roomie for a little tiny 6.5 # Tortie who lost her brother to a dental cleaning - they had been in a room of their own due to Purrsonality issues, so she was alone. He was about 1yo when found, lost an eye and lived for 10 years in a room with 11-13 other cats! He was not a "friendly" guy, but not totally feral either. Since moving in, he gives head butts, allows me to pet, etc, just don't move too quick (he will run away), is tough to "catch" for vet visits, totally shuts down at the vets and NO meds (I paid for vet rooming/dosing when he had his dental!)
But, when I have the funds to do a new will (mine was very old, and atty has retired), I now plan to add in a good donation to have this done for my "kids"! I will have to talk with the shelter about it, but to have a new room with a catio, they would probably be thrilled! If they can find good homes for any, great! If not, they would at least be "together". My guys range from about 3yo to 20+. I will have to ensure they get that document as well, which includes pictures to make ID easier (4 are mainly black, so it can be hard to tell who is who!)
THANKS for the idea Upstream!!!
I hope better for you, but you have to stand your ground. It's your house. Be firm, but loving and understanding. Do what you can to find a rescue to take them since that is their best chance, but don't rule out having to take them to the humane society. Best of luck!
I do not think you are being selfish at all, you are being thoughtful, planning ahead and realistic even though you obviously want to be able to keep these pets with your mom. It just isn’t always possible and better to see that ahead of time, make thoughtful and major changes all together and good for you considering and trouble shooting ahead of time. If mom can’t be on her own anymore and needs or will soon need to move somewhere, something is going to have to change and happen to the cats whether that’s in with you or somewhere else, it sounds like that is the reality so don’t torture yourself. Just continue to be loving and thoughtful about what that will look like as you well know these cats are important to mom even if she isn’t caring for them as well right now.
keep up the good work!
I agree with you.
Animals/pets of all sorts are living creatures, not items for disposal when they pose an inconvenience.
The last cat took months of looking to find a good home. He was a "sweety"...beautiful,neutered, not old and with no bad habits. But the Humane Society here has an arbitrary rule of not taking cats over two years old ( I even offered them a nice donation!). The "cattery" here didn't have room. Other shelters, the same. I put an ad in the paper but will never offer an animal totally for free, fearing the motives of the "adopter". I even checked out surrounding counties.
That said, people have the right to "hate" cats if they want. I think such people suffer from a genetic defect, but that's just my opinion. One thing I firmly believe is that human family relationships take priority!
If mom can't take care of herself, that is the issue that takes priority. It seems to me that original poster can see how she can take care of mom, but that the cat issue is a huge for her. I can identify because I can tell you that I would be less able to take care of a needy parent if I also had to contend with 3 cats on top of the eldercare.
Secondlythe cats.... if I could do it over again with my in laws having 5 cats..I would have insisted that we take at least 2 of them to a shelter. Having cats that urinate in the house is not acceptable. If you are forced to take them, which I don't believe you are, find a room like a patio that they can be isolated from the rest of the horse. Have it air conditioned/ heated.
I also know that cats urinate outside their litter boxes because of medical reasons and also when they see that there is something amiss or wrong with their owner. They may be detecting her illness and are reacting to it. Some cats have been known to isolate themselves when there is a change in their owners health or behavior.
The "BEST" thing is not having them put down. If one can find a no-kill shelter, they can at the least live out their life and be cared for. They might find a medical issue and treat it. They might be able to "fix" the personality issues. If they are young enough, or find the right adopter, they might be able to re-home them. Worst case is no "cure" for the peeing, but if it is no-kill, they deal with it. Our shelter even had what they refer to as the "Pee" room (mainly ferals.)
Resorting to "putting them down" is not the first OR best option.
Personally, I think bringing mom into your home isn't the best idea. I do believe in tiny lies, and I'd think up a good one to get her interested in assisted living instead.
We almost had my dad here - his hospital bed & everything else was already in my house. I knew it was a bad idea, and I had a feeling of dread hanging over me. His health took a turn for the worse so he had to stay in the rehab center longer, and I had my excuse. It was the truth too because I really couldn't lift him.
It's hard on us as caregivers when we have to help decide where our loved ones will go. It's harder still when we bring them into our homes - and find we have gotten to a point where we can't meet their needs. Then we have to break their hearts & find them a better arrangement, usually assisted living. How much better would it be if we just skipped the part where we have to do that?
If you're set on having mom at home, I wish you the best, and hope your family holds up well too. But no to the cats!
I live in the country and my cats always went out to pee and poop. The litter-box was only for emergencies and for when I had to leave them overnight and a couple of weekends if I was traveling.
And I had 2 dogs and never a problem among them, once the dogs got used to the cats.
Also, do EVERYTHING YOU CAN to make sure that you have an alternate to having Mom move in with you, JUST IN CASE you find her physical issues too difficult to manage. She seems from your description to be quite involved physically, and you may soon find that her comfort and safety depend on round the clock care.
I guess "teeny tiny" is a relative term, eh.
I think her initial post, reposted here, was suggesting cat-haters could put them down "humanely" (my previous vet skimped on this "method" and I refused to have him "help" my cats after that!) and non-cat-haters could find a home or shelter.
Don't jump to conclusions - re-read the posts before commenting, as sometimes the written words can be misinterpreted.
If you like cats, tell mom she must choose one cat and ONLY one. Be firm. It's your home. Tell her the chosen one must make peace with the dogs, or the cat will have to go. (Sorry, I'm chuckling, as I write this. As an "animal lover" I just can't help it!) The litter box or boxes must be away from human traffic and MUST be totally inaccessible to the dogs! (try a top-entry litter box or one with a small labyrinth entry way.) Tell her that, for sanitary reasons, peeing or pooping outside the litter box more than "x" number of times (some time must be allowed for adjustment) will be grounds for eviction (... of the CAT, not Mom!). Remind her, that, seriously, the the Health Department could become involved otherwise.
Don't allow your mother (or her animals) to dominate your household! Remind her that you love her very much and that you know she loves her cats. Tell her you know she'll miss her "furr babies", but after all, the human family matters most. Tell her you want to make her feel valued and as comfortable as possible in the human family that she already has.
******
So sorry. When I wrote this, I saw nothing about a HUSBAND in the original post. That detail changes everything! Please DO what husband wants (short of cat-ri-cide". Hiss and growl at me, criticize me for my levity, if you want, but I live in an independent living facility that allows pets, only small ones and only one per apartment. In fact, I believe that HUD now requires such accommodation in many senior buildings. Residents are required, of course, to keep designated "pet apartments" clean or hire a person to see to this.
I have no close relatives, none closer than a days drive away. And I am far from the only one here in this situation. Research has proven that pet dogs or cats can lower an owners blood-pressure and provide comfort, often more effectively than tranquilizers or pain meds. On the other hand, adding pets to a home can easily increase stress among both two-footed and four-footed residents and what sane person wants that?