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A few details first: My mother is 70, celiac, with RH, and spinal fusion. She is mentally sharp, and she is physically capable of cooking for herself. She lives with us but has her own section (in-law suite) with her own kitchen.



Problem - Mom hates to cook for herself and gets angry at us for not catering to her dietary needs all the time when we cook.



We cook a few times per week (usually Sunday, Tuesday, and Thursday) we order out once, and then often visit friends on the weekend in the evenings or eat leftovers.



My husband and I have 2 kids that live with us, and 1 grown kid who is married with a child and often needs our help (they are moving and doing renovations). We both work full-time and have very busy lives, so cooking is pushed to the wayside and we do what we must to get through the days. And we have time, we try to enjoy ourselves a bit and not stress.



Mom has special dietary restrictions, no gluten, and low-fodmap foods, everything makes her poop..literally everything. This makes her list of foods that she actually eats super small. We don't eat that way (it's unhealthy), we enjoy a variety of foods and vegetables and we don't have time to prepare something special for her all the time.



She has all these rules on how to cook the food, etc. It's exhausting. So we typically cook our dinner and let her eat whatever she wants from it. Often times she will take none of it, and then complains and slams her door shut and mutters that she has to cook again.



This is draining for us, as we are not her special food restaurant service/chef, etc. and we don't have the energy to constantly make multiple food items, which end up not getting eaten!



Plus she is capable of cooking! What do we do? How do you handle an expectant mother that thinks we are supposed to cater to her when she is totally capable?

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Your last paragraph says it all. "she is capable of cooking".

I think you need to sit mom down and explain what you just told us. Your lives are too busy to serve as her full time chef and dish washer. You are sorry, but if she wishes to continue to live with you she will need to take care of her own dietary needs, and when she is no longer able to do that she will likely have to move somewhere that can accomodate her better than you are able to.

Your house. Your rules. As we used to say to the teens.

Will she like that? No. But then life is full of things we don't like, isn't it. We just have to live with it.
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Your profile says she has a Dementia. If so, she is not mentally sharp.

I am 73 and very able to cook. (We eat out alot) Have you told her your not her Specialty restaurant? You have given her a place to live, that does not mean your her chef. Have you looked into those mail food deliveries? Maybe there is one that can customize for her diet. Its really up to her to shop and cook those foods she needs to eat, not you. She should be paying her own way.

If Mom has Dementia, she may have forgotten how to cook. If she doesn't, do not disable her. She should be doing everything for herself that she is capable of doing. Allowing her to live with you does not make you her slaves. Go on with your life. If she does not like living with you, she can go to an Assisted Living or Independent living or an apt of her own.
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Have food delivered with your mother’s credit or debit card.

Green Chef

Hello Fresh

Factor

Home Chef

BistroMD

Martha Stewart & Marley Spoon

Fresh and Easy

Every Plate

They all offer gluten free options. If mom can no longer prepare the food or doesn’t want to she can hire someone to help her in the kitchen.

All of these companies have convenient, easy to prepare meals. They also offer discounts and coupons for your first order.

My daughters have ordered from some of these companies and have been pleased.

Best wishes to you.
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TopsailJanet Jun 2023
Most of these sources provide ingredients with a recipe card that you have to follow -chopping, mixing and cooking. This is still a lot of work and may be hard to follow for a senior with dementia. Many also are a minimum of 2 portions per meal. It would be better to explore heat and eat meals, which usually come in single plate choices. I haven't tried any of those companies, so I'm afraid I can't list any for you.
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If mom has dementia, as stated in your profile, she is likely unable to cook or to understand reason/logic. Being prone to histrionics and argumentative behaviors is typical and only worsens with time and progression of the disease.

If she is capable of cooking, she should cook for herself and not be catered to bc she's an elder and using that Get Out of Jail Free Card too often. Living with you is a privilege that carries responsibilities with it and doesn't mean she's waited on hand and foot.

Get rid of the mindset that you have to cater to moms every whim. Either she needs a higher level of care in AL or she agrees to pull her weight in your home by not being such a burden with her food requirements. Have a heart to heart talk with her about expectations from BOTH of you moving forward.

Good luck!
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She may be capable physically but not capable mentally.

She demonstrates anger, unrealistic expectations, OCD about rules for cooking, irrationality, and these are all concerning mental behaviors. It will only get worse.

It's time for her to live somewhere else where she can be managed by professional caregivers and her diet will be served to her by chefs trained in such matters.
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Beatty Jun 2023
Except the cealiac meals will probably be trucked in, pre-made & tasteless. Or if made on site, often contain hidden gluten in the sauces when the Chef forgets.

Such is life.
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Hello Fresh and Martha Stewart have good meal Plans .
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NeedHelpWithMom May 2023
Hello Fresh is a wonderful plan. Plus, they have great introductory prices! My daughters love them, very convenient for busy people. All the shopping and prep work is done! It’s the proper portion control too, so no wasted food.
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She sounds like she wants to rule the roost. This seems common when a mother or mother-in-law moves in with her adult children. They go back to the “I’m the parent and you are the children.” Doesn’t matter that they’re adults and it’s not even her house. Of course she expects you to cook her food… she is the Queen Bee now and you must cater to her! In her mind, anyway. Even though she has her own area and can cook, why do that when she has others there who can do for her?

Maybe remind her that if she wants to remain independent, she needs to do for herself as long as she is able. 70 is not all that old. Why is she giving up already? She may live another 20 years.
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I am going on 76, live alone, not nuts about cooking either, so my choices are to order in, go out to eat or cook.

Because she doesn't want to cook does not give her a pass go card.

I would sit her down give her options: Order In at her expense, move to AL or cook herself. Time to set some boundaries and stick to them.

Good Luck!
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Is there a chefsforseniors.com in your area? It is a reasonable cost for several days of repeatable meals. The chef comes to her to consult in meal planning. This could be on her dime and not yours.
I would not cave in on her rants
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You consider outside help.She is too difficult to cope with.Think of your own family first.
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Your mother is 70.

How did your mother come to live with you? And how did she come to expect meals cooked for her?

Has she always been demanding and entitled? Or is this a recent development?

I'm the same age as she. It boggles my mind that she expects to be waited on.

Is her depression being treated?

Low FODMAP is something that is only supposed to last for a few weeks, right? To figure out what foods are causing diarrhea?
Is she being followed by a gastro doc?

How certain are you that her executive functioning and planning abilities intact? Being able to plan and cook healthy meals is one of those things that is one of the first to "go" in my experience with the early stages of cognitive loss.
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You state your mother is mentally sharp. In your profile, you state: "I am caring for my mother Mother, who is 70 years old, living in my home with age-related decline, alzheimer's / dementia, anxiety, depression, and mobility problems."

Regardless, looking (maybe not too far) into the future, your mother will most probably become demanding about a lot more than her meals. Is the plan that she continue to live with you as she needs more help? Are you the plan to be her caregiver? (If so, BEWARE!)

How did you come to be the one who took your mother in? How long has she been living with you?

What are her finances? Does she pay for anything? There are meal plans, but they are pricey. If you go that route, your mother should be paying and not you.
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Be careful pushing her to cook all her own meals. I am 73 and consider myself very competent. However, due to being a caregiver for my husband, I rarely do a lot of preparing whole meals and feel I am losing that planning skill. I mainly rely on local businesses that prepare fresh entrees that can be frozen and work around that and eating a lot of leftovers. Because of not cooking on a regular basis, I have found that I sometimes have trouble following recipes... for example did I already put in one or two cups of flour, one or two teaspoons of seasoning, etc. Because of being distracted with caring for my husband, at times I have also become concerned for being as safe as I should be in the kitchen.

For me, I found that I end up throwing too much food away, especially fresh items, because it wasn't always eaten and sometimes never even got prepared before it went bad. Because of this I feel I justify what I spend for prepared or semi-prepared meals.

Several others have recommended a lot of various services which I have tried from time to time and many times they were very helpful. I have found I just don't do well planning around a subscription service. A few local grocery stores actually offers similar meal "kits" in their meat section that are similar to what the mail order services provide and I choose what I want. The point is, I have found a lot of options to be able to have meals that don't require me to do as much shopping, preparing, cooking and properly storing food.

One thing to consider is she may miss being able to sit with the family at mealtimes. Suggest to her that if she will prepare her own meal, she can bring her plate to your table and she is still welcome to eat from what you have prepared as well.
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Offer the correct food and give up. I would not cater to her.
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Sandwich chat? 🥪💩 🥪

I'd like to help you with your meal planning Mom.

I'll point out that this is not a restaurant & I am not your personal chef.

Now let's start trialing these healthier choice gluten-free pre-made meal delivery seevices. Starting with *insert company name* this week.
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Ignore her hissy fits. You're very generous providing an in-law home and she's physically, cognitively capable of managing. Unreasonable demands like a spoiled child should not burden you and your busy family. I have a sign in our kitchen that's decades old; "There are two choices for dinner. Take it or leave it"
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I can understand why she might want to share as many meals with the family as possible and if she has been a diagnosed Celiac for years she should be used to eating differently from everyone else at the table. By the time we get to our 70’s we are somewhat set in our ways and have or favorite for to foods. Could you devote a couple hours a week to making her favorite meals ahead with her? That way it’s being prepared to her specifications, she gets some one on one time with you that is actually devoted to her needs and there are meals that she enjoys all ready to heat up or just pull out of her refrigerator to be served with the family meal. She also has meals all set for those nights when the family is eating somewhere else this way.
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Tell her to make her own food. Period.

Or if financially able try some of the meal delivery/meal prep services. They will have offerings that meet her needs. Or, if financially able, hire a cook to prep her meals 2x per wk. for rest of week.

She has options…you just need to present them and let her decide. If she can’t/won’t, then I guess she doesn’t eat unless she prepares it herself.
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Maybe it's more about cooking for herself and eating alone. Perhaps you could try letting her know when you are starting to prepare dinner and ask her to bring something to your kitchen she would like to eat...and tell her what you'll be having. Let her prepare hers at the same time in your kitchen. It keeps her involved and active which will be important to both of you as she ages.

By now you know what irritates her stomach more than other things. For example fried chicken does, but baked or grilled doesn't. You want fried chicken for your family. Pull out one piece for her and grill/bake it while yours is frying. Then you might find out she really just wants company when she's eating.

If mom has the finances, look up food prep in your area and order some things that she can eat.

Does she have her gall bladder? I ask this because many people who had theirs removed suffer from immediate pooping after eating. Some have to go within about 30 minutes of eating and avoid going out to eat all together. No real fix for it that I know of, but the problem is real.
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My mother now has advanced dementia and is in a care home. She lived with us for over 15 years prior to going into care.

Using my 20/20 hindsight, I'd like you to consider that she may have dementia. I know you said she's mentally sharp and physically capable, just as my mother appeared to be until recently. She could fool people into thinking she was perfectly fine as little as 2 years ago. But her behaviour towards us became demanding and unreasonable years and years earlier. There was no reasoning with her. I suspect that, as tasks became more difficult, she took it out on us. I could be wrong. Just keep it in mind.
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Hire a "Visiting Angel" who is willing to meal prep and have dinner with her.
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CMDH77: As you state in your profile that your mother has dementia, perhaps her brain lacks the capacity for logical thought processes.
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How do you “handle”? Ever heard the phrase, “take it, or leave it!” Jesus Christ, why are you kowtowing to this old cow? What a pain in the a**. No. Just, no. Get her out of your house if she can’t shut up and be thankful that you are putting up with her.
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It seems that your mom has an expectation that somebody else will cook all meals and make sure to accommodate her dietary needs/issues. She might have been the full time family cook when she was raising you and expects you to fulfill that role now. Not realistic, but there is an emotional value that she has attached to this task. There are several ways to go with handling this. Since this is an emotional issue for her, I
suggest a couple of meetings with a counsellor and/or dietician. The counsellor can be the objective "expert" to help your family and your mom deal with this impasse regarding food expectations. The dietician - ask for a referral from her doctor - can help to outline meal plans that are healthier for your mother and meet her needs.
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Regardless of your Mom's mental capabilities, you stated that your Mom doesn't like to cook. Yes, she has a pretty restrictive diet, and yes, it shouldn't totally overwhelm your family.

As someone stated, I would hire a personal chef temporarily. They can/could come up with some meal ideas that she might like and so that you can get some ideas on what to prepare for her. In addition, they could come up with ideas on how to handle what you like and she likes, or prepare a meal in such of way that it will satisfy your tastes and her diet.

I have seen chefs put together frozen meals so that the person can just put them in the oven or microwave. I have also heard of personal chefs who will just prep the food, and you put it together.

Either way, I think you are going to need to hire a professional personal chef, probably at a significant cost, to achieve peace. Personally, once you get some ideas on what to look for and prepare, you probably will be able to take it forward.

P.S. Is there a restaurant that she like that prepares her type of food? If so, ask the restaurant if they have any recommendations on a personal chef. Just thoughts....
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It would be nice to know if Mom has Dementia. It changes things if she does. And if shevdoes, you may want to place her somewhere she can afford. If she can afford Memory care, then LTC with Medicaid but you will have to make sure they can cater to her diet.
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We always remind our moms to be grateful, as others have it much worse and don’t get to live with their families. Does she have early dimentia? If she is cared for and has meals prepared by family, she’s pretty lucky. Sounds like you have a busy working schedule plus raising children. Let her know you won’t let her go hungry as there are snacks good breads for sandwiches if she prefers. Many options. This way she can pick and choose if she’s going to be choosy-:). Good luck!
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My 83 yr old mom fell a May 1 and spent a month in the hospital then came home and tested positive 2 days later for Covid. It's been right around 2 weeks since the positive test. But she will not eat and we have to be forceful about water. She is one of the pickiest people I have ever met. She is even more picky that most kids I've met. So finding something she will eat is a monumental task. We have 24/7 in home care because my siblings and I are all still full time employed. She gets diarrhea. Someone has to threaten her with the hospital or the nursing home to get her to eat or drink. I HATE doing that. I feel like crap when it's over. But it's the only way to get any action from her. I'm trying to adjust my mind to know that this is going to be the norm and that fussing at her to eat/drink and working full time and saying a ton of extra prayer for a clear head and patience.
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I prepared a whole Coeliac platter for my aunt once, to make sure she felt included and welcomed in the big family party we were having. She "accidentally" dropped it. I can't tell you how hacked off I was - not least because there was nothing on it that other people couldn't have eaten if they'd liked to...

Grrr, anyway, long time ago.

Cooking for yourself can get boring and depressing, as anyone living alone for long will tell you. Cooking for yourself if you never enjoyed cooking to begin with, and have to cope with important dietary restrictions - well, if she's in a bad temper about it all the time I can see why.

Of course that doesn't mean she has to be ungracious about what you're prepared to share with her. And I'm relieved that you aren't bending over backwards trying to please her, because it probably isn't possible.

Is money an issue? I did a quick internet search for delivery services catering for special needs diets in your location and there certainly are options, only one is for people on benefits/low incomes and another delivers tailored fresh meals but (I haven't checked) looks as if it might be on the pricey side.

How was she managing shopping and nutrition before she lived with you?
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Perhaps hiring a Visiting Angel, who loves to cook, could spend time with her to develop and cook simple meals and to double the size so she can make two or three meals out of each endeavor.

https://www.amazon.com/Joy-Cooking-Fully-Revised-Updated/dp/1501169718
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