Question:
mom, with not too severe dementia, can’t remember that dad died 2 months ago. Memorial is in 5 weeks. The last 2 times I answered her honestly when she asked about dad, she responded like the news is brand new. Cried.
Should I keep telling her? It’s pretty hard to avoid when she asks to talk to him and see him. Should I give her the obituary to leave on her refrigerator? Other ideas?
If she can't remembered he died then why put her thru it.
I'm certainly not a member of the medical profession but it think your Mom's dementia is a lot more advanced than you think. You might want to think about taking her to a memorial service. How does she currently react in a group of people? At a memorial service she may be approached by people some of whom may be wearing masks due to the pandemic, -- will this frighten her? And she will hear once again the news that her husband is dead.
Wishing you luck and peace on this journey.
Whether the thought process is denial, or memory loss, or something else, if your mother is not latching on to the concept that her spouse is permanently missing, there is some process that is causing that thinking.
Leaving the obituary on the fridge, talking about his loss, taking her to the memorial service, all may cause her pain, or may not, but nothing is apt to restore her ability to relate to his death as a person would who has not experienced cognitive loss.
”Reminders” aren’t working, so if she’s more comfortable without them, stop attempting to provide them.
“I’m not sure where he is today” may work. If she’s anxious “I’m sure he’s fine”.
This is a painful and difficult time for you, and for her. Don’t expect yourself to solve this permanently or come up with a “good” response to her. Do your best to allow her to be comfortable as much as you can.
She would forget what she OR you said in a matter of minutes if not seconds. I would NOT have labeled her as having more severe dementia. She was still mobile and lived in her own place alone for almost 2 years before we could get her into MC (tried aides first, but she thwarted that!) She was still the same level and mobile, able to do most ADLs, etc. After about 9 months there, she had a "step down", where her time frame regressed to about 40 years ago. Other than that, she remained pretty much the same for the remainder of her 4 years in MC. She did take to a rollator after about 2 years, then a wheelchair for the last year. She was 97 at TOD.
Anyway, I'm in agreement with others in that to keep telling her is almost cruel. She won't remember, so she has to relive his death over and over again. Fibs or little white lies to cover her queries as to where he is should work. You know your mother and you know what his routines and activities were. Use places or activities that were "normal" for him as excuses for where he is, work, shopping, car repairs, outings with his friends, whatever he used to do. He'll be back later or tomorrow or next week, each depending on the excuse used as to where he in. THEN attempt to redirect/refocus, either a completely different activity (snack, meal prep, tea/coffee, go for a walk, fold some laundry, watch a movie, etc.) You could even ask questions about them, such as where did they meet, what did they do on their dates, etc. If you have a photo album, reminisce while looking at the pix, ask questions, etc. If no album, gather up as many pix as you can find and put one together! You could ask about her time before marriage too! Those long term memories are likely still there and you could learn a lot that you didn't know before!
I also would hesitate taking her to any funeral or memorial service. She can't retain the information that he has passed, so she will be upset again to be told he has passed and may get even more upset if she thinks he passed without her being there for him. It seems awful to exclude her from the long goodbye, but the time there will be very upsetting and after she will forget it all and be back in the "Where is he?" mode.
You should not keep telling her over and over. In fact, don't tell her again. Every time she hears it she will respond like she's hearing it for the first time. When she asks about him, do your best to deflect her attention onto something else. Ask everyone she sees to do the same and deflect.
If I were you, I wouldn't take her to the memorial service coming up either. Seeing a whole bunch of people offering her their condolences will be too much for her to handle. Too much for you to handle also.
Keep her home and maybe have some people visit. Let them know ahead of time not to offer their condolences to her and to change the subject if she mentions your father.
I had a homecare client who was married to her husband for 61 years. He died before her which was a surprise to everyone because she was pretty much invalid with dementia for several years.
She was brought to see him in hospice but really had no idea what was going on. She was told that he passed away and as you'd expect was very upset. She didn't remember a minute later why she was upset though. She would ask again and again and a few times we told her he died. She would then lose it and basically be a vegetable for several hours after. Yet she'd keep asking. It made the job of her caregivers even harder to get her to eat, take her meds, change her, wash her up, etc...
Finally us caregivers decided that when she would ask we'd tell her he fell and was still in rehab. Then say things like 'remember we brought you there to visit?' She'd then say 'yes' and this is what we did. I told her friends who were planning to come by ahead of time to tell her the same thing.
She was not at the funeral service. Her friends got rather upset with me for refusing to bring her. People who have never been caregivers to an invalid person with dementia have no idea what it entails to take a person like this out of the house. I asked them if they think they'd be able to manage changing a soiled diaper in a funeral home for someone who is unable to stand up even with assistance. They stopped being upset about her not going.
Don't take your mom to the memorial. If she keeps asking over and over again about your father tell her he's still in rehab. Also you don't have to keep answering the same question a hundred times a day too. It's okay if you don't answer every time.
You have my condolences about your father. I am sorry for your loss.
So my advice is no. Dont keep telling her he's dead. Give her a logical place he might have gone when he was alive. It will be the kindest thing.
I too, hope your mother is not living alone unsupervised, it does sound as if her dementia is worse than you think it is. As far as telling what happened to her husband, it's going to be trial and error, what ever answer you can give her that will calm her. If it works tell him he's out and will be home later and then try and redirect her attention. If that doesn't work frame the true answer in the best spin as Lealonnie1 tells her mother about her family members.
Some answers to their alternative universe questions are easier to answer than others. Dad would get agitated about fictional debts being paid off - easy answer; Dad, the check's in the mail, I took care of it. While dad would occasionally get delusional (off in his alternative universe) he did know his brother, mother and father had died before him. So haven't had to tell him someone he wanted to talk to was deceased.
I wish you the best.
She should not take her mother to the memorial service.
God knows how she will react when people come up to her offering their condolences.
Getting that upset will be bad for her. Even if she doesn't remember why the physical effects of getting that upset can last for days. Better to not interrupt her daily structure and routine.
Lately I've been telling my mother that her relatives are all deceased. Then she lets the subject go. If I tell her they're unavailable or busy, she keeps asking about them and wanting to call them on the phone/asking for their phone numbers to the point of insanity. So what's the 'right' answer? Who knows? Whatever you feel works best for YOU and your mother, that's the right answer.
What I find works best with my mother is when I tell her that her relatives are all with God in heaven, playing cards and drinking wine, awaiting her arrival and then they can all hang out together and have fun. It's just not her time yet, but when God is ready for her, THEN they can all reunite. I tell her they're all well and whole and fine again, happy and content in heaven. That seems to calm her down to know that they're at peace and not unhappy or in pain, you know?
Again, no easy 'one size fits all' answer, especially for those who won't let go of the endless questions. Sometimes the truth is easier to digest than constant stories that beg even MORE questions.
”He’s at work.”
”He had to go to the store.”
”He’s busy.”
She’d still ask over and over but these answers kept her from getting upset.
I fear your mother’s dementia may be worse than you realize. It’s such a horrible, sneaky disease. I’m sorry.
I would say that your mom has more severe dementia than you are acknowledging. She can't remember that her long term spouse died, think about this.
I would not keep telling her. She doesn't remember and experiencing the loss fresh every time is brutal.
Maybe distract her with answers like, mom, we already talked about this. Mom, let's go look at the new home we have been discussing for you.
I hope that she is not living alone. She really needs to have supervised care.
See my response to MJ1929.
Otherwise, yes, avoid telling her. Distract. Redirect focus. If she's insistent, responses should take into account what she is asking.
For instance, where is he? Could be working, picking up something at the store, playing cards with his buddies. Depends on what he used to do and perhaps time of day. Something plausible, that he might have been doing before. Make the excuse, then redirect, refocus onto something else, snack, cup of tea, Oh look at the bunny outside!
I'd say her not-too-severe dementia is more severe than you think if she isn't remembering Dad died. Do you think she can handle being at a memorial service if she'll have found out yet again that morning that he's gone? Maybe she shouldn't be there, but that's your decision.