Mom with moderate dementia insists on sewing but it aggravates her. Should we try to discourage or let it be?

If dementia is setting in, I would remove all of the sewing items - too dangerous and things could happen big time. As to the dolls, I guess I would leave most of them. Face the fact she is going to get more and more difficult and given time, her antics will eventually wear you down and possibly destroy you. You have to be extremely firm with her the minute she gets out of line and tell her she must stop the behavior at once. Tell her you will help with all kinds of activities but she must cooperate and prove she is willing to do so. Also threaten her if her behavior continues, she will be placed. Let her rant and rave but protect yourself and your father - and know it may have to happen. Prepare yourself.

NY,

Great advice! I find if I offer mom too many options then she will think up a ton of excuses. I love your ‘matter of fact’ approach. I am finding out that is what works best for my mom too. By doing this we reduce the opportunity to show negatively and it relieves some of our stress. Anyway, great answer and I am sure it was well worth your $20 dollars!

Thank you to those who offered such great suggestions and over the past week we have tried many. Her response is that she doesn't want to right now, she's too tired, in too much pain, and maybe in a few days. We even offered to buy a new sewing machine that is much easier to thread and to use overall (we even get frustrated with her machine). Sister and SIL have sat with her for many hours trying to avert her attention to simpler sewing projects, but she just get angry and mad at them. Even with doing something constructive with the dolls ends up with the same response. My guess is that she is not remotely interested in doing anything other than to complain about it. I think her brain gets stuck on the one thing she wants to do until another distraction piques her interest and then she will focus on that. I'm finding out there is a definite learning curve in dealing with dementia......especially for those who have a LO that is obstinate, argumentative and negative. Those are the only things that seem to be consistent with our mom. I don't know how anyone is able to deal with this long term and not lose both their minds and spirit. The day to day is brutal.

Similar frustrations here. My mother hast cognitive impairment from brain tumor (relapse of lymphoma), short term memory, and all signs of dementia progressing. She's been a long-time quilter, by hand on grandmother's frame. Now, she's unable to do any of this successfully by herself. A caregiver or I are her support staff to cut, pin, mark stitch lines. I put painter's tape on the machine bed for visual guide for stitch width. (she was all over the place) She has trouble threading the needle, but keeps at it. Basically, we've got it down to doing everything she can't, letting her sew the seam that's pinned. We joke that she's running a sweat shop, but sewing and (trying) to quilt is all she does now. Can't garden, read, never watched tv, puzzles are hard (even the $$store 'easy' ones), she just can't coordinate eye/hand/problem-solving. And she resists suggestions to do anything else... There's been great suggestions already, hopefully your mom will explore other options. I think the sewing straight lines (lap quilts, and such) may be a good next step.

My first thought is similar to Sunnygirl1's suggestion - remove the sources of frustration. Now, how to do that without upsetting her will take some finesse. It might depend on her level of dementia. If you can try making it disappear over time... remove the materials first, a bit at a time. If she notices, you can always fib and tell her she used them already. Then the dolls... a few at a time. Maybe start with one room, and when there are only a few left, move them to the other room. Best to do this when she is not there to see it happen, if you can get someone to take her out for a bit, or while she is sleeping. Perhaps you can tell her that the dolls needed cleaning, or are being displayed at a school or museum or some other plausible scenario... The sewing machine has to go as well. Maybe tell her it needs to be cleaned or repaired and take it out then. If she asks about it, they are still working on it.

Meanwhile, perhaps some of the suggestions about other crafts that she might be able to handle, to keep her busy/occupied making things. I was really surprised when mom participates in jigsaw puzzles. This is something she would NEVER have done, ever. It started when I joined another jigsaw lover in her MC facility and mom just joined us. When I was there yesterday, she was working with a staff member on one! You never know what might perk some interest - try any/all and see if it sparks any interest! Another option while making things go away is to perhaps try assisting her by threading the machine for her and keeping tracks of the patterns, pins, etc. Can you lock the room so she can't go in unless you are with her?

Our mother used to sew all kinds of things, but eventually just stopped. The stuff just sat around unused. What she did start doing is rummaging through old paperwork. This lead to a lot of frustration for me and her (mostly me!) She dug out old W2s and was insisting that someone died and left her money, but "it doesn't say who." This was related to me by phone so I didn't know what she was referring to (she was still living alone, didn't need a lot of help then.) YB checked once and told me it was paperwork, but didn't take it. Phone calls continued, so I had to check it myself. I got her to understand SOME of it, but with dementia the explanation wouldn't stick. Her final question was why she was getting these now, because ANYTHING on the kitchen table "just came in the mail." I just chalked that up to people sending them being stupid... The W2s indicated Death Benefit, because it was my dad's pension she was now getting. When I tried to explain that was because dad died, she just said Oh he died years ago (still focused on this being life insurance!) She also found an old life insurance paper Dad had started and probably revised/submitted later when they sold the FL condo - these have to go to HR. Even showing her the tax return paperwork that indicated she received it, she insisted on filling it out! Sure, go ahead mom. Where do you mail it to? I left that for later.

In the end I had YB take her out for the day and then swept the place clean of any/all paperwork. Mail for bills and banking were all forwarded to me. SS and pension paperwork (both federal, so POA doesn't work!) took more time to get sent to me instead. Once out of sight, it was out of mind. She did once kind of remember she had something, but couldn't recall what it was. Getting rid of it all took away the problem.

It will be a little more difficult with the items of frustration for your mother, but if you can make it all disappear over time and find some replacement activity, it should reduce/eliminate the frustration for both of you!

(Funny how they can remember these things, yet not rummage around for supplies they tucked away, and then report they need more!!! She had so many paper towels, TP, plastic wrap, trash bags, tin foil, etc, because she would forget where she put them and ask for more!)

There comes a time in MOST elders' lives where they can no longer have the skill set that they once had for their hobby of choice. When my mother became legally blind, she could no longer read, knit or crochet. She managed to still write letters by a very large magnifying machine from the COB (Commissioner of the Blind) as she still had peripheral vision. She did this for years and she even was still able to write out checks! So perhaps your mother could perhaps knit doll clothes - anything - some different way. I only know one lady who is an anomaly. She is 100 and 3/4 years of age! She is the deacon of her church, sets up urns of coffee and make 50 to 60 donuts for parishoners, has a vegetable garden and fruit trees/bushes that she "puts up," e.g. cans, has continued to sew over 5,000 quilts, drives locally (insert - she got in trouble with her grandson, who is a New Hampshire state policeman when she drove down to see my late mother in Massachusetts - she wasn't really supposed to be doing highway speed, 65 mph, driving, but she cheated and he found out about it!) and she hosts dinners for her family!

Oy vey - the dolls!! My Mom was a doll collector too and her house was filled with them. She had given up sewing clothing years before dementia set in but still liked to keep her hands busy with crochet, knitting, embroidery, etc. When she came to live with me I would get her involved in "helping" me sort through my own craft and sewing supplies so she felt useful. When she got frustrated that her hand embroidery looked bad, we bought her colored fabric pens so she could still do something creative. I just kept trying to find alternative ways that would feed her creativity. As for coloring books and children's crafts........no go. She would turn up her nose at anything that was for children so I even had to keep the puzzles she loved more adult in nature. I think, if you can find a way that your Mom can still do some small piece of what she used to do, you may be successful. Best wishes!

There are items that can help a person thread a machine. Help her. She is struggling to maintain her identity.

That is what your mom knows best she has done all her life created beautiful things . She gets frustrated because it does not come as naturally to her but don’t discourage her or she will do nothing . Even simpler projects . “ hey mom I really need such or such it a purpose..

Could she make a simple patch quilt? I sew all the time, and do a lot of charity sewing. You can buy packs of 5" squares all cut and it would be so much easier than sewing intricate little doll outfits. Sometimes it doesn't matter what we sew, just that we can sew. Sew many things we can make.

What if the Adult Center "invited" her (w/ your connivance) to show some of her dolls. Take her & a batch of dolls for her to display and talk about w/ the other old folks. Might become a center activity and a "permanent" collection point for some of the dolls and give her a feeling for how it's more fun to share her hobby than to add to it.
BetseyP

When my grandmother, who was an excellent seamstress, started having difficulty sewing, she switched to crocheting. This seemed to fill the need for her to keep her hands busy and make things for her grandchildren.

I bet there are people that would love to learn what she could teach them.
Check with the local History Museum in your town and see if they have any ideas.
You might even want to suggest a display of all the dolls and give a detailed history how she started this hobby and when.
I am in awe of any one that can sew. It has been one thing that does not "click" with me.
You could also check with the local Library for the same thing and see if they want a display as well.
And if she has been collecting wedding dresses that is another thing that many people would love. And if by chance there area any intact. There are people that would love Vintage Dresses for themselves to wear.

Similar to ArtistDaughter post, I was thinking if some of her dolls could be donated to a local library where she could be featured as the artist and maybe talk about how she made the clothes, etc. She might be encouraged to donate them all so others can appreciate them.

Maybe she could switch from production to curation. It would be good for her to explain the detailing on the dolls she has already created making a catalog of her work (imagine pictures of details, etc). The dolls could go on display perhaps. The local library, historical society, senior center, or assisted living facility where there are other people who likely appreciate them and her handiwork. You might be able through this to determine which ones are more precious (to keep as family heirlooms). In this process you might find new homes for some of them (don't tell her!) As far as the many wedding gowns, there is an organization who makes angel gowns for babies that have passed, so even a gown that has been cut up a little can still be used https://www.nicuhelpinghands.org/programs/angel-gown-program/. Even someone who does not have dementia would have a hard time keeping track of 300 gowns and their features in order to find "the one" that has the right lace or detail. Paring down that stash would be helpful to begin with. Last thought is all this could be facilitated by a young person. Is there a teenage or very responsible tween grandchild, girl scout, 4-H, crafter, neighbor she could teach her craft to? Someone patient who could thread the needle for her for example. This person could be earning a sewing badge or volunteer hours for National Honor Society, etc. Finding a young person to interact with your mom might help. The power struggles between parent and grown child can "fall away" when a young person is thrown into the equation. Who knows, your mom might enjoy this new friendship and the young one might as well. Just make sure you supervise (at arm's length) at the beginning to make sure all is well). Have a snack/tea whatever to finish up the session (away from the dress things) each time they visit.

Far less helpful than other comments, but just to say that my mother habitually did the laundry on certain days. One day I caught a glimpse of her pouring liquid detergent in (she was using my supply which was disappearing WAY too quickly) without measuring, and just pouring loops of it around the top of the machine....I figured let it go, no harm since my clothing wasn't in there....BUT at one point Dad developed a very bad case of something that led to an ER visit where he was dx with hives. Quickly resolved, but that was when we simply locked the laundry room door. Oh there have been a couple episodes of her trying the door knob, pushing on it, throwing herself against it; getting dad's key ring and trying various keys without success (thank god!) but pretty much it's all forgotten now.

Abby, I know it's frustrating to see your LO no longer able to enjoy the activities that once brought them so much pleasure, but, from my experience, there is really not much you can do to prevent this. If the brain is no longer able to tell the boy how to do the tasks, it's unlikely it will improve with dementia. And, it's unlikely that she would be able to learn a new way. Learning new ways is usually not something they can process due the brain damage. What I noticed is there may even be something similar to obsession about the activity. The obsession, frustration and exasperation may be too distressing. I agree amount moving everything and see how it goes. My LO used to enjoy her pet cat. She loved the cat and it was the center of her days. But, after dementia, the focus on the cat became unreasonable. She was not able to care for the cat in a normal way and the frustration to her became very upsetting. Once the cat was gone, she was much relieved, though she missed it at first. Within weeks, she no longer remembered the cat at all.

If you do leave all the items, she'll likely stay frustrated, stressed and make those around her as well. Sometimes, these things will just work themselves out over time. Eventually, she'll just let it go. I might be a little concerned though that she might injure herself with a sewing machine needle or regular pins, needles and scissors. She will eventually need to be directly supervised as people with dementia can swallow nonfood items or hurt themselves with sharp objects.

There are some wonderful ideas here, as usual. Just one caveat — from experience with my Mom. She was very good at crafts and enjoyed them a lot. When she realized she could no longer follow a knitting pattern, she was crushed. We tried simple knit, purl small blanket squares for underprivileged children in Africa. No go. Excited when we mentioned it, but just doing the basic stitch again and again she got bored. With coloring, even though they were adult coloring books and we did it together, she remained convinced that coloring was for children (same response to anything that was a child’s toy or tool that we tried to get her to try — “I’m not a child!” So, no solutions here, sadly, but just what I hope will be encouragement that when she turns down some of your suggestions and attempts, you are able to accept that and not take it personally. Imagine not only being unable to do what you used to be able to do, but to have your mind mocking you by continuing to remember what you used to do and be repeatedly reminded (each time you try) that you can no longer do it. My current examples are my husband with fixing things around the house, mowing the lawn, getting his drill out for some “project”, etc. He’s not yet dangerous enough to hurt himself, but he is able to inflict some damage on house, garage, anything that needs maintenance, etc. He is also very sensitive to and averse to anything that looks like a child’s version of what he has done as an adult. Wouldn’t it be nice if they didn’t remember how competent they used to be? (Nice for us — not for them.). My heart aches for both of you, for my deceased Mom, my very much alive husband, and all others who deal with this grim and cruel disease.

I only recently learned you can use a "needle threader" to thread a sewing machine!

Have you tried those cards that you sew with yarn, kids used to do them when I was younger. Or maybe she could crochet?

Have you tried adult coloring books? I know of many that used them and they saved the sanity of all. You can even get apps to color on a tablet or computer now.

I love the ideas you already have below here. The one additional idea that came to my mind as I read your post was maybe finding sewing tools, machine even that are made for children learning. I'm not sure what is available or how realistic they are but perhaps there are scissors, machine, needles made for younger just learning sewers with more safety in mind? The other thought being encouraging her to do the planning, maybe pour through pattern books and fabric on her own and schedule times to work on them together so it would be a project you could do together, maybe she is passing on her knowledge to you, when it comes to the actual sewing etc. This way you would be there to thread needles, keep the pin cushion at her fingertips and take over when she is confused, doing something dangerous or whatever your reason in a way that just circumvents her frustration. But I really like the idea of documenting the history of each doll and clothing too, maybe she could draw or paint them!!

My mother loved to sew and was an excellent seamstress. She made a lot of my clothes as a child and for others as well. As she got older she took to doing alterations and mending rather than making clothes. When dementia took over and clouded her mind she had to give that up as well. She never said anything to me about missing her dearly loved hobby but knowing how much she enjoyed it, I would give her a sock to mend etc. I would start the process for her as to keep up with the needle and also use contrasting thread to make it easier to see. I also let her use a pair of blunt children's craft scissors to trim frays from dish towels. I'd have a lot smaller dish towel when she was done but who cares right ☺? Is there an older doll dress that the hem has come out of (maybe on purpose ) that she could hand sew? Would she like to fold small pieces of fabric or maybe have a shoebox full of sewing notions like assorted buttons, zippers, tape measure etc that she could fiddle with. Best of luck. Know how sad this must be for you.

Some good suggestions below about trying to switch to working with someone or perhaps to crocheting or some other similar craft. And there are knitting and craft groups, which she might enjoy. Definitely get rid of most of the excess materials and keep only a few things in a box in her craft room. She probably gets pleasure about looking at her dolls and materials, so it might be beneficial to keep some of them. My mother was also an avid crafter. She opened the boxes occasionally and looked through the materials. At some point you should remove all sharp object (scissors, seam cutters, etc. and only use them when you can do the cutting).

You will miss those days when she becomes bedridden.

Would taking everything away make her forget??? Sounds a bit of a gamble. Could you not have a specific doll making time when you sit with her and you both do it sharing the job out in a way she can manage - choose material, trims, pin parts, (keep patterns to a minimum so she can choose what you know you have all of). You could cut out, use machine etc.

CM,

You are right about surplus. I have extra of everything because so often you need one thing but it only sold in larger quantities, therefore leaving extras behind!

Oh Abby, how awful for you and your poor mother. Can you imagine the frustration for her?!

I don't know if this would be worth trying, but what about undressing the dolls and talking to her about how their costumes were made? If you can divert her onto dressing and undressing rather than making new models, and tactfully remove triggers like the sewing machine bit by bit, perhaps it would help to wean her off.

She doesn't like petit point or anything like that? Far fewer steps to tax her functional memory, and there are some beautiful materials to work with.

Or... this is a long shot... if you have a college or school near you that offers a related course, what about seeing if you can recruit an "apprentice"? Your mother could pass on some of her fund of knowledge, and the student being on hand could keep the pin cushion and pattern and notions in order. (This might also be a handy way of finding a "good home" for some of the surplus stash).

We have an acronym in knitting circles: SABLE, which stands for Stash Acquired Beyond Life Expectancy - and we're all guilty!

My mom sewed beautifully, knitted, crocheted, embroidery, etc. She sold at craft shows. She loved it. Doesn’t do it because of her Parkinson’s now but she has happy memories of her crafting.

That too is my dad. Get a transition counselor, take the Savvy caregiver training class thru Elder Options if military go thru the VA. It will help and give you good suggestions. Ask for a CNA certified nurses assistant, coordinate times with her so you can go to class that will give you some respite, so that when she is sewing she won't irritate you for a few hours. They say let them do what they can still do to keep them active. You have it somewhat easy as my dad still wants to drive and they won't take his liscense. He got it thru the mail for two years. At least he lets me drive, but I have no life to speak of. My brother doesn't help he can go fly a kite for all I care. I'm just really surprised never thought our small family would be like this.
Try to get out but let her do her thing while she can as long as she isn't hurting herself physically.

You can try giving her a project that requires shoe laces to 'sew' with rather than a sewing machine. Or an activity such as Lacing cards & Sewing cards:

http://www.anythingbutbingo.co.uk/sewing-adapted-activity-for-someone-with-dementia.aspx
The first photo on this link shows a lacing project from Melissa & Doug puzzles. They make fantastic products which you can check out online or at Wal Mart.

Also, check out this Pinterest link for sewing ideas for those with dementia:

https://www.pinterest.com/cutiebeauty7/dementia-activities/?autologin=true

When I go into work tonight at the Memory Care community where I work, I will ask if the activity director knows of any special ideas for people such as your mom.

Best of luck!

I think I know how you feel. My mom used to knit and crochet. She made beautiful sweaters for our kids when they were babies and toddlers. As they grew, she made hats, scarves, blankets, mittens and slippers. When I take her shopping, she always wants to buy pattern books, needles and yarn. However, when she sits down to "create," she sadly cannot remember how. One of the nurses at her memory care facility used to come to her room on her breaks and try to help her but poor Mom just can't comprehend how to do it anymore.

She also used to make very intricate jewelry and I bought her some stones and beads and some fine stretchy cord to make bracelets or necklaces. She was thrilled, but she hasn't done it. The beads they give her at craft time at the facility are the type you'd give a 6 year old to string with yarn. She did make a necklace out of various shades of pink beads and proudly presented it to me because she knows it's my favorite color. I thanked her profusely but was a little sad because it's nowhere near what she used to be able to do. She used to take a lot of pride in making gifts for people. She did the knitting/crocheting, beading, stained glass, ceramics, and some sewing. It's hard to see her struggle and get so frustrated because she can't do those creative things. She likes to color and that helps. I've given her adult-pattern coloring books and crayons and markers. Maybe your mom would enjoy that too. She could maybe create paper dolls and make dresses for them that way. Not the same, but perhaps an acceptable substitute.