My mom was just diagnosed with 3 months to live and I don't know how to handle it without breaking down in front of her.

Jay- I am sorry for your situation.

I agree with all that Treeartist said,


EXCEPT although God is strong enough to withstand your anger. I would think again before laying blame at HIS feet. Jonah got mad at God and that didn't work out too well for him.

I wonder if there is a negative effect on dying people when family members try to conceal their grief. Is there any possibility the dying people get the impression their family members won't really miss them and aren't upset by their impending demise? Should the best approach be somewhere in between being "stoic" and breaking down in tears?

Jay I am so sorry! My heart goes out to you. My MIL was also recently given 3 months to live and the news hit us all like a ton a bricks. We thought we had more time with her. We didn’t realize how sick she really is (she is a strong, stoic woman. I think she did her best to hide it from us but after the lung transplant was denied, she stopped hiding it). For the first few weeks, I cried and cried. As soon as my husband went to work and I was alone in a quiet house, grief hit me hard. I couldn’t talk to him, he’s dealing with his own emotions and processing this in his own way. I didn’t feel right leaning on him for support. So for weeks I struggled to keep it together. This is a woman who until recently was happy and fully of life, she is the one that keeps us all together. I have few living family members and none live locally. So all I have are my in laws and my MIL is the backbone of the family. Without her, there is no family. Devastation doesn’t begin to describe what I And the rest of the family are feeling. When we would go to her house, I struggled to keep my composure. I didn’t want to show emotion in front of her, I don’t think she wants us to be sad right now. What helped me to finally process the situation and come to a place of peace is talking about it with friends. Letting it all out. I also found this forum and another one and both have helped. I urge to find someone, a friend or relative, to talk to. It’s not healthy to keep everything inside. It’s ok to scream and cry and be mad at the situation. You don’t have to be strong every minute of the day and crying & showing emotion is not a sign of weakness. Look to your mom, look for signs, if she wants to talk, talk about it with her. Follow her leads if you can. Again i am so very sorry ❤️

#1 Cry with her, and let her know that you will be there every step of the way. Isolation is your mother's worse fear. #2 Guarantee her you will doing everything in your power, to keep her safe and comfortable. Pain and suffering add to feelings of fear and helplessness. Just be yourself. That's what your mother needs the most.

Hello Jay, I'm so sorry. My sister and I found out my dad had stage 4 pancreas cancer he only lasted 23 days from the time he went into the emergency room with stomach pain until the day he left us. This was the hardest thing we had to go thru. He passed away February 15, 2018 I stayed home for a few days and cried until I couldn't cry any more, then I went to visit him, it was so hard to stay strong and not let my emotions come out while I sat next to him. All I could think of was he will never go outside again, will never drive again and so on but mostly I thought what he must be thinking knowing he is dying and there is nothing any of us could do. I felt so bad for him, so helpless, so as I sat next to him trying my best to be so strong I put cowboy movies on and just held his hand and talked about the family. When you feel sad and think you will break down, say I have to go to bathroom or I need to get a drink then go somewhere and cry get it out wash your face then go back, it will be the hardest thing you will do but I never let my dad see me sad or cry. I didn't want him to see me sad or crying because I knew he was going thru a lot knowing he was going to pass away. I wish you the best and prey your mom won't be in any pain thru this hard time for you and your loved ones. We had my dad cremated and I have him for six months and my sister has him for six and that helps me to deal with him being gone, I can talk to him when I need to, and I'm going to have some of his ashes put into this very pretty glass with different colors. I wish you and your loved ones the best, as just reading your post made me break down and cry and I don't even know you all, guess I'm emotional for knowing what your going to go thru. 

I’m so very sorry that you have so little time left with your mom. As a while ago, my mom was given a 3week life expectancy, facing end of life with someone as dear as a mother, is a heart wrenching experience. My advice to you is to first reach out to grief counselors or hospice workers. They are so valuable in helping you go through this. Also,try to spend as much time as possible with her and share good memories, hard as it may be, while you can. My mother passed in one week from her diagnosis. When she knew her time was limited, we spoke of so man things. Let her know that it is okay for her to leave you, give her a reason to pass without guilt of leaving you behind. Reminiscing can comfort both you and your mother as she prepares to cross over. As you said, she was a woman of faith. As she approaches the end of her life, respect her beliefs and her faith. All of us will reach a time when we have to leave this life. Life isn’t fair, no matter how long we have had our mothers, we always want them to be with us longer. To this day, I still miss my mother tremendously! Facing letting go of our mothers is devastating and your hurt must be so painful. Reach out to other family if there are others who you can lean on for support. Friends can also be a great physiological help. If she is able to express what her wishes are for when she passes, have her share them with you. When the time comes, you will feel comfort in fulfilling her final wishes. Whether you believe or not, your mothers love will be your comfort and her spirit will follow you long after she passes. Good luck

I am so sorry that you or anyone must go thru this process of life. It breaks my heart when I hear this. I too, recently went through the loss of both my parents three weeks apart. I moved in with them and I spent every minute of their waking hours by their side. we talked of old times, good times and bad. we laughed, cried and loved each other till the very end. when the end was near I held each one of them in my arms and told them how much I loved them. they took their very last breath in my arms.
was it hard, you bet it was, but i found comfort in knowing both my parents
knew how much they were loved and how lucky I was to have them as my parents.
stay strong, give love and show love,and be thankful you were lucky enough to have this time with them before god opens his arms to them.

Jay, sending you a virtual hug during this heartbreaking time. Everyone ‘s journey is different but I would encourage you as others have mentioned to think of this as a period of renewed awareness that your time together is finite and not focus on it being a death sentence. Here’s our story. Following a hospitalization, the skilled nursing practitioners declared that my 87 year old mother would never again be able to live in her assisted living apartment but would rather require skilled nursing care the remainder of her life. A day or two later the hospice nurse declared that Mom had one - maybe two - weeks to live. Through just short of threats, we got Mom back in her apartment where she is under palliative care. This means she still gets Meds and is seen by hospice nurse but will never go to the hospital again should a serious situation arise — she has a DNR on file. It’s now been 14 months since the “experts” declared her soon to be dead. Two months ago we took a 400 mile road trip to visit her great grandchildren and yesterday she was on a field trip to a local winery, to give you an idea of how far off the estimate was. Again, everyone’s situation is different and I don’t know your Mother’s medical diagnosis. However, I believe at this point that the body gives up after the spirit does so I continue to do whatever I can to help Mom feel normal and involved and engaged in life and everytime I see her laugh I’m convinced she just got another shot of the best medicine ever. Not trying to be all Pollyanna-like; it’s been really, really hard after hearing the initial diagnosis which sort of catapults one into the mourning process before your loved one’s even gone, and I’ve had many moments when I’ve needed to turn away to hide my anquish. On bad days, I have to fight the feeling of being on a death watch and try not to feel guilty if I can’t be with her everyday. I’ve come to accept that we’ll have as many good moments together as possible and that when her time is done and she is ready, then she will go, whether or not I’m there holding her hand at that particular moment. So the three months stated for your mother may or may not be accurate. I’d have to agree and gently encourage you to embrace her devotion to God during this time as a way to smooth the transition for both of you. My Mom is exhibiting a renewed interest in reading the Bible and listening to spiritual CD’s and it seems to bring her peace. She also talks more frequently about dreaming of loved ones who’ve passed on, which also appears to bring her joy rather than fear. As others have said here, her relationship with God will go with her on this last journey on Earth and He will not forsake her. Ask Him also for the strength you need to cope with the imminent loss of your beloved mother and the courage to express your feelings. Pray together with her and feel the warmth of the Holy Spirit encompass both of you, and you’ll then understand that he hasn’t abandoned you either.

I apologize that this is so long. This is the first time I’ve posted on this sight although it’s frequently been a source of support for me Just reading what others have experienced. Guess I had a lot to say bottled up, with four main points.
1) it ain’t over ‘til it’s over no matter what anyone predicts.
2) it’s horrible to be given a timeframe in advance, like a ticking timebomb, and your difficulty dealing with that is completely normal.
3) disregard the death sentence and experience the moments you have with your mom in the here and now and to the extent possible find
something new to do, say, or laugh about. Let the focus be on remaining life rather than the impending death.
4) your Mom’s faith will carry her through this journey and can help you manage your loss too. My heart goes out to you and hope you can turn the anger into gratitude for a life well lived and appreciation that she’ll go with God in peace when it’s her time.

So much good advice and support on this Forum. SunnyGirl, your comments were especially important. Going through this alone without friends and family would be the worst.

One last comment, Jay, be sure to take care of yourself and try to find happy moments in your own life everyday, too. Easier said than done, but peace and acceptance will eventually come. Your mom is fortunate to have such a caring son.

3.5 yrs ago my hubster was told he was terminally ill; 7-10 yrs. I have longer with him. I found a small caregivers support group through county social services; I join them monthly. My local medical center has grief counselors. Even when the going gets tough, I enjoy all time with him. PLEASE take care of yourself!!

My Mom suffered from Dementia. Over 3 years that I was actually hands on Caregiver, she declined a little more every month. She also believed in Jesus and a better place. She passed last Sept at the age of 89. She outlived her siblings, a husband and a daughter. She was loved by many. Our friends became her kids. I felt she had a good life and never complained about what she didn't have. I look at her passing as a good thing. She is now whole and in the arms of Jesus.

Starting off with a Great Big HUG to you and your mom.

My mom went into hospital over a month ago. I believed she would be returning home after her stay. One thing led to another, and another, and sadly she passed away during her stay. It happened all so fast and I was not fully prepared for that outcome. The emotions were overwhelming. I had the exact same feeling you do about being unable to hold it together, not knowing how to juggle my emotions, her emotions, doing the right thing, being strong, allowing myself to feel grief.....but in the moment, during hospital visits, I just did. It's amazing the strength we have within when put to the test. I'm sure other posters have given you much more useful suggestions here already. Thinking back to that time I found that there was really no right way of how to act. I went with the flow of the moment. I tried to remain upbeat but I would also shed a tear with her when she felt sad.
I put my focus on making her smile and that we would go thru whatever she was feeling together. If she was sad, we were sad together. Angry? Angry together. Happy? Laughing together. I did not want to discount or ignore any emotion she was feeling by only being strong. If we had a little cry together it seemed far easier to get back to smiling. I did however leave the room when I found myself truly breaking down. I did not want to to worry about me....bit I didn't hide my sadness. She found my comments about how "this sucks" to be quite funny. I think she felt validated and that eased her.
Somedays I would just give her a manicure and pedicure and we would just chat or say nothing at all. If I couldn't make a visit I made sure someone else did. At the end, which was harder than I thought, she felt safe and loved. She knew how much I would miss her but that I would be ok. My greatest memory of that time is her face lighting up with a huge grin whenever I walked in the room.

Give yourself a break too. Both of you are human. Feel what you need to feel, say what you need to say, express yourselves together with love.
It can be a comfort.
And....another Big HUG for you.
Let me know if you need any hugs down the road...

My thoughts and prayers are with you. I too just found out couple of weeks ago I only have about 6 months left with my Mom. My Mom is very introverted and does not want to talk about this. When I started breaking down in front of her she told me not too. I think that would have only hurt her more. So, I wait until I'm alone and break down or talk with close friends. I did ask her the other day if she was scared. She hesitated for quite a awhile then said no she wasn't, only sad that her time was so short. So, right now we are spending as much time as we can together, trying to find some things to laugh about (which isn't easy) . Do everything you can without hovering, to let your Mom know she is and always has been a special person, a good Mother, wife and daughter and that you will be OK when she leaves for her journey to heaven.

Don't be angry at God. It is not his fault. Do you know your Bible? This is how God communicates with us. God is a God of Love. He does not want anyone of us to suffer. All of this is not his fault. I understand this is not a place where we tell what our religious beliefs are but I know much about the Bible and if you would like to talk privately about this, I would be happy to talk to anyone about what the Bible has to say about death or suffering.

Sharing grief is a good thing, Jaycruznj, not a bad thing. Crying with Mom is fine. And it's okay to be angry with God -- God can handle it and is used to it. But God has not abandoned her. Welcoming her to join Him is not abandonment. Life is always meant to be temporary. What would the point of our time on earth be if all went smoothly? What would we learn? That is the purpose of life -- to learn from the struggles we experience. Perhaps you are the one who really feels abandoned? That is how many of us feel when we lose a loved one. Talking to her and letting her talk are essential at this time. We are so bad in many cultures about open discussion of the key reality of life -- the end of life. You can let her know that you are angry because you will miss her terribly. That's okay.

Share the love AND TRUTH of G-d of Israel with her! Yeshua, Jesus came to release His Holy Spirit (Ruach hakodesh) to live IN HER by faith. Do this in love and respect. That is what I did for my mom. Shalom

Please listen carefully to treeartist. Read and re read what treeartist wrote.
Thank you, treeartist.

About ten years ago my mother was diagnosed with metastatic lung cancer. She was only given a year to live but went very quickly and peacefully three weeks after being diagnosed. I had a megadose of talk therapy and counseling when I made the transition from living in that nice house I lived in to my own apartment, and I had a nice place there. I am not religious, but God helped me get through the ordeal

Just try to realize that you will never get over the pain of losing a loved one, but you will get used to having  the pain over time.

Lots of good thoughts and suggestions here. My heart goes out to you. Being strong may be being genuine with her about your feelings, which includes gratitude for the strength she taught you. Surround yourself with loved ones who can offer solace and compassion. Their strength can help fill the emptiness you now feel.

Thanks, Garden Artist; in this case I could have checked it out, but I believe in a lot of cases one can't. I guess this also got by you when you made your first comment (which was an excellent one).

I can only imagine the blow news like this delivers especially right then and there. It hadn't occurred to me that your mom might not have received the news yet but I'm going to go with the premise that she is fully cognoscente of her diagnosis. First off the urge to scream at the universe (God, whatever) and bawl until there are no tears left seems perfectly natural to me and probably does to your mom too. Whatever her emotional reaction, you are still her child and a child hearing that he's loosing his mother. While I might put the screaming in check a little I wouldn't suppress the tears and or sobbing, whatever you feel, whatever comes while talking to her about it or just while with her. The comfort to let the tears flow in front of someone is a sign of trust and love, it's also why we are able to do that with a given person and who else if not your mom? She has seen it before, she wiped your butt and kissed away your boo boo's and disappointments this is just another time in your adult life that you need mom's comfort and as a mom I can say she will lovingly welcome. It makes this mom anyway feel like she has done something right over the years when my adult son opens up with me, especially when it comes to something like this.

When it comes to everyone's relationship with God, you are perfectly justified in your anger and no doubt your mom will understand that but don't be surprised or frustrated if her relationship with God grows stronger. Truth is she can be angry with God as well but still have her bond grow stronger. I'm sure you have been angry with your mom and she with you at times, very angry even but your bond, your love isn't minimized and might even grow stronger as you work your way through it. Similar thing. But we each have our own bond, beliefs and way of "worshiping" if you will be it a religion, a Higher Power or simply the bond amongst all living things in the universe. You have yours and your mom has hers, I'm sure you have discussed it over the years and the one thing I might encourage you to exercise caution or restraint on in particular at this time if your mom is that devout and or has been throughout her life your relationship with her God might be important to her. I don't mean go overboard pretending to believe something you don't or anything but try to think about it from her perspective, agree or not, fully understand or not and allow the room for her to be secure in the belief that she will be with God, attaining the ultimate state at rest when she passes and even looking forward to it. Give her the space for that piece of mind and recognise it doesn't mean she is any less sad about leaving you and her loved ones so when and if she talks about her beliefs, "her God" around you you can simply accept whatever she is saying and allow her to feel you are a part of it, accepting of it I mean. I may not be explaining this well but I know that for people who have a strong bond to God and many Christian based religions it is stressful to fear their loved ones wont meet them in heaven or be saved the same way because they "don't believe" or haven't accepted Jesus as their savior so allowing them to believe what they need to by not arguing the facts or resisting their beliefs is a gift that can be hard to understand but a huge gift just the same. The last thing you want is your mom leaving this earth consumed by fear and worry about you. At least I think that's the case, I also might be projecting...

Lastly I would like to suggest that after the initial shock and anger has subsided a bit that you think about this diagnosis, this news a bit differently. While it's important to remember as someone pointed out that it could be far more than the 3 months and of course it could be less no one actually knows for sure. That said in some ways having the doctor tell you she has 3 months is a blessing, it gives you the opportunity to create quality time to spend with her, do the things you have been wanting to but keep putting off like get the family stories on tape, have a family reunion make sure you get those photo's with all of the generations or Grandma with that newest grandchild. So often a loved one's passing takes us by surprise, even when they are elderly and we hear people expressing regrets about the things they didn't do or not having said "I love you" enough. While I'm not sure we ever feel we have covered everything with a loved one who passes there is a big difference between the comfort of knowing there was closure, knowing the person you love was at piece, felt loved, ready for the next life and realizing you hadn't seen them in too long and cut your last phone conversation short because you had a meeting or worse have to think about when you last made contact with them and thought you had years to catch up with them...regrets. The doctor has given you the opportunity to eliminate regrets and make sure your mom has the most peaceful, loving passing on her own terms you and the family can provide.

It's not going to be easy for any of you, no way around that but you have been given the gift of forewarning, the ability to create and be present for quality time with your mom at the end of her life (here on Earth) like the quality time you had with her at the beginning of your life (here on Earth), this time you need to share with the rest of your family though which adds bonus quality time and bonding of course. Positive energy to you and your family, don't forget to come back to this forum with any questions or venting, just the need for distraction or support even over the course of this, there are always people here willing and able to help, listen and commiserate.

Grandma1954, brilliant advice!

Jacobsonbob, the OP is male; you can click on his screenname and see his photo.

There is some wonderful advice here that I'll keep in mind when the "inevitable" happens to my mother.

I have a question--how do we know the gender of the OP? One comment refers to "being the best daughter you can be" while others refer to the OP using masculine pronouns. Unless the OP specifically reveals this information in the request, do people simply guess based on the name the OP gives (which may or may not make gender obvious) or is there somewhere in the profile that gives this information? Or is it assumed that most OPs (and commenters) are female? I'm just curious as to whether I'm overlooking something!

Dear Jay,

When I got the results of my mom’s biopsy, when the doctor talked to us afterwards, when later he thought I hadn’t fully understood that my mom would go soon and felt the need to spell it out for me when we were alone, when I saw my mother go through horrible, horrifying things....I felt like walking on a cloud, a bad cloud though. Don’t know how else to describe it. It literally felt like I was walking, I was doing and I was moving but I was numb. Yet inside? hurt to death.

BUT there is a bottom that always seems to activate itself when a loved one is in need or danger, and it is called: Protection.

That, although I was falling apart inside, automatically prevailed. Protection. I wanted to make sure she’d be helped, loved, given..protected.

I never cried in front of my mom..but I cried a river every time I prayed, because I, as your mom, believe with all my heart in God and that He is my only source and light to go through life...and death. And I also believe He helped us so much, and keeps doing it. Because it’s been eight years since that horror and that diagnosis. Her doctor is still amazed!

So Jay, can you cry a river when you are alone? Please use your right to be human, a desperate son, a broken heart. BUT, like a mother and father would do with a sick child in need, be the protector of your mom. That means, don’t let her feel that you’re destroyed, show her courage, comforting smiles, and make her feel how strong and deep your love is and will always be for her.

If a tear or more escape in front of her, so be it. Maybe she’ll feel better consoling you as well..but like many have mentioned here, don’t let the time you’ve left with your mother be all sadness. You know it’s important to make everyday count! Now more than ever.

And find comfort in that although for you her life will end much too soon, maybe she is ok with that. She might be afraid of the moment, that moment of letting go of life as we know it or the process to get there, she will be broken hearted about leaving you, but she believes in a God that is Almighty, all love, all forgiveness...and she KNOWS all will be ok.

About being mad at God, who isn’t at some point in life? No matter a person’s religion, whatever divine entity they believe in, it feels like “it” has failed when we feel we’ve reached bottom and life is beyond unjust to us. He knows, he understands, really. He came to this earth as a man to understand our trials and how frail we are. And I know your mom and Him would hope you were able to ask Him to help you carry your sorrows and burden, I know if you tried, in solitude, talking to Him and telling Him you are mad! and why, and give yourself the chance to cry, to let go...I’m pretty sure dear Jay you’d feel a little..or a lot..relieved afterwards.

I don’t know what you believe in, but I know that in moments like this is when we need to hold on to something or someone that won’t disappoint us...And your mom spent her life believing and trusting -and entrusting you I’m sure- to a God from whom you could also seek consolation from!

I’m by no means trying to incline you to do or believe anything, but I just KNOW that if you did try to give Him your anger, He would give you in return some peace!

Like someone said, live one day at a time with your mother, which at the end of the day is really all each of us have in life: the day we are living.

Much love, strength and wisdom..and a hug!

Prayer!!! That is the greatest gift you can give her at this difficult time.

Jay....
If your Mom is not on Hospice I strongly suggest that you call a Hospice in your area.
Not only will they help your Mom they will help you and the rest of the family.
I, and every one on this site will agree that this is not an easy thing to go through, watching a loved one die.
All I can tell you from what I learned caring for my Husband is this. I developed an insight that I never had. There was a bond between us that seemed deeper than it was when he was well. (He had been diagnosed with Alzheimer's and I think he had Vascular Dementia as well) The fact that he was non verbal for probably the last 3 years of his life did not seem to matter to either of us, we communicated pretty well I think.
All you can do is do what we should all do every day.
Appreciate those around you.
Forgive quickly. And this also includes forgiving your self. (You make the best decisions you can at the time don't spend time with regrets)
Accept help when it is offered.  And do not hesitate to ask for help. (friends want to help they just don't know what to do so give them a task)
Give hugs, hold hands.
Learn to love life to the fullest.
When you go to bed at night and you put your head on the pillow and close your eyes if you can honestly say that you did the best that you could that day...that is all that anyone can do.

On a practical level, if you feel that crying in front of her would upset her: you could write her a letter you might or might not read parts to her later, to get some of it on paper so you don't feel as overwhelmed. It will release some of it; trust the many who say this helps.
I also went to the grief section of my local library. Others are helped greatly by a caregiver's group.

But letting her know you're sad (and appreciate all she has done and meant to you) *is* appropriate.
Otherwise the stiff upper lip can be more depressing to both of you because it may not give her the freedom to acknowledge what is really happening.
When my mother was fading I remember reading a comforting book advising that it can help to say a sincere version of:

1.Thank you (I elaborated on things she'd provided and acknowledged struggles she'd had worked to overcome to give us what we needed, etc.)

2.I'm sorry (in my case that I was a difficult teenager or didn't stay in touch with you as often as I could have)

3.We'll be okay (grandchild, family situation she worried about etc.)

And then *much* later in the process something like
it's okay to go

Please give us an update and take care of yourself!

Jay, I am sorry for what you are going through. There is so much wonderful advice here from other caregivers that I don't know how much more I can add. The best thing I did for my mom during the months before she passed on while she was bedridden in my home, was to just be there for her. I framed some old photos and put them on her dresser where she could see them, and I played the music she enjoyed daily. I made sure to let her know I was taking care of everything. The first time I was told, 13 years before she died, that my mom had 6 months to live. I don't always completely believe doctors because of this. Now that my dear mom is gone I feel that God needed her elsewhere and while I miss her very much, at least she is safe now from this uncaring World we live in today. I try to remember the advice and lessons she taught me. Please also remember to be good to yourself and take care. Even when you do little things for yourself they add up. I am wishing strength for you at this time.

I suggest you take photos of old times and go through them with her. I respect you for not wanting to break down in her presence, but will say I consider crying to not be a sign of weakness. God can handle your anger.

I will add a comment about my experience. I do not do so to suggest you should do or feel likewise, but just to share....My wife was profoundly handicapped from a massive stroke and in many ways from 2005 until she died in 2017. A month in to her illness I realized she would never get better....I felt lost. I asked God to give me a servant's heart. He did. Life was not easy for me; it was full of suffering for her. She was also full of joy at all times. I can't explain why. I look back upon those 12 years ass the most satisfying of my life.

Grace + Peace,

Bob

I am sorry for your grief. I truly can identify and when this happened with my loving Mother and myself it was an amazing time. She said things to me only a dying person could know. A distant old friend arrived in a "wheelchair" for a visit (she came a long way to see my Mom) when all others thought she would come through yet another hard call by the Doctor's. My Mother left us with the most loving hospice nurse only 10 days later. Others had wished they had come to see her. You are so blessed to be so close to her, and she knows this I am certain. Waste not a moment - listen to her words, they will "pop-up" in situations later in your life. Be in the now, with her. Most important - tell her how much you love her and don't forget to say thank you. I screamed so loud as my Mom passed at home with me it echoed down the canal...but I shall never forget those last few weeks of listening to her stories. You are blessed, the chosen one here. TY for sharing this with us all...stay strong. God Bless.