Mom was actually a decent mother, and yet I have started resenting her now that I'm responsible for her 24/7. Are these feelings valid?

I think what you are feeling is normal. I love my mom, and will always do the best I can for her, but at times I become resentful. I resent having to be the middle man aka point person, for everything also - from phone calls to appointments and everything in between. (She's in a wheelchair, almost blind and hard of hearing.) I have to make many decisions on her behalf, but always make a point of asking her what she would like. Most of the time she leaves it up to me and then complains about whatever I've decided. All in all, it can be a thankless position to be in, so I think some resentment is normal.

I have gotten to that point and I feel horrible .. my husband has dementia and because of poor decisions prior to his illness I have to work full time. I totally resent him now. I have taken over responsibilities for everything snd he just sits in the living room most of the day and does nothing.he will only shower once a week, eats everything he is not supposed to as he has high blood pressure, high cholesterol and diabetes and argues with me all the time. I also lost a child in a car accident and where I work in the ED is extremely busy... pediatrics, inner city, I had to stay the other night and didn’t get home til 5 am

The unintentional selfishness of very elderly and, especially, those with dementia, goes against the grain of all we're taught to respect. Learning how to care without trust or reciprocity is a very hard thing. Some people are never endowed with this ability, most of us have moments we get it, followed by large swathes of time when we don't get it. Your resentment is not at your mother; it's for the loss of your freedom and your belief system. We suffer the same thing in our household. My mother is 99 years old, blind, deaf, and suffering memory loss and often confusion. It's especially hard on my wife, who felt that, after caring for her parents, one grandparent, two of my children with special needs, and a great-nephew on the autism spectrum, we'd finally have time for ourselves. The great schism between caring for someone on their way out of life, and secretly wishing them gone is very hard. Every time we think we could find some "safe" place other than our home for her, another wave of the pandemic washes over us.

Just know you are okay to feel the way you do, and you are not alone.

OMG 😲feeling the same today.....you come to their house with A heart full of love and you leave with resentment.Then you feel guilty for feeling that way. Yet we do it again and again and again.

Of course. I even resent the dog now for restricting my freedom, space, schedule.

You are doing a wonderful thing, being responsible for your mother in her time of need. You will have to be strong while you get a situation where she is able to get assistance. Get connected with the caregiving and immigrant communities in your area to find out what assistance is available. A social worker may also be able to advise you. There may be some programs that might help. Some communities have elder day care. Might this be a way for you to get some breaks? Good luck to you!

Omg- I’m overwhelmed by your generosity in reassuring me. Your stories are so poignant but my takeaway is you all persevered/ing and came out somehow at the end or getting thru your days. I will try to draw courage from each of you and take breaks when this resentment threatens to boil over. Salute to all of you and a huge THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU

Hi, you are to your mother what I was to mine, your having support of others may be a blessing I wished for, but then again, it could be the reason why you are feeling pressured to be on point with your mother, which is frustrating and unfair to anyone. I was hated by my siblings, I didn't know why, people who visited my mother reported back to my siblings why the care I was giving was not enough, and why they felt my mom should be as my siblings wanted, given in a nursing home. I had a routine with my mother and did it for 3 years, I took a job that allowed me no money, but enough to pay bills, and be approved for food stamps. Not both, however, it was a sacrifice I was willing to make, I needed to be home mornings, afternoons, and nights, I became a bus aide for school children. Left for work after checking my mother, at 5:00am, was home by 9:30am, breakfast, bath, cleaning, dressing, hair..ect....took a 1 hour nap from 11:30am to 12:30pm, made lunch, gave mom bathroom break and new Depends, then she went back into her chair, and I went back to work at 1:30pm. Left her lunch on a table in front of her chair, with snacks. Came home 5;30pm, checked mom, made dinner, served dinner, went back into house, mom was now living in the apartment we built for my grandmother, I lived in it when I was asked to stay at home and help with the house by both my deceased step father, mother, and siblings volunteered me as best candidate, as I would also be staying until both my mother and step-father had passed away, as protection for them to stay in their home, and not be forced into a nursing home. Anyway, as a care giver you know the routine, or will, my mother was physically disabled for the last 3 years of her life. I almost wished she was mentally disabled, I may have been able to sleep a bit more. Most of my time taking care of my mother was alone, towards the last 6 months of her life, I had to ask my son to please help me lift her at night, she weighed about 300lbs. and my back was starting to give me problems. He was 6' and I am 5'2", she was 5'3", he was able to lift her off her feet and into the scooter, so that I could take her into the bathroom and get her changed for nighttime, that one little break helped me more than I can say. I never resented my mother, I did resent her friends, or people who came over without notice, my mother didn't want anyone to know how much she had to depend on me for her daily care, especially her friends, who always looked to her for strenght to get over whatever pains or physical problems they had. My mother was a physical therapist before she retired, she was 83 when she died. When a friend would come over to visit with my mother, my mom would sign me that I needed to wait till we could do her bathroom break, she was incontinent, so if I was unable to get her to the bathroom at key times, her Depend was the only defense against her not soaking the recliner. I kept plastic on the recliner for that reason, and of course I was blamed for the lack of care given to my mother as they would notice that she was wet. One time a friend came over, and I refused to let her sit without going to the bathroom, and getting dressed for nighttime, I made my apologies and took my mother into the bathroom. As we were finishing, the friend came down the hallway and took a look into the bathroom and saw me cleaning and dressing my mother, which was so embarrassing to my mother, but she knew this friend was nosy and said she should have expected it. I guess in a way that was a blessing to me, because no one knew how much I did for my mother, but now this friend did, and it shouldn't have mattered, but everyone thought I was just a loafing off of my mother, while she was dealing with everything by herself. When I asked my mom to tell people that I am helping her, so they stop thinking of me so poorly, her answer was, "Do you really need a pat on the back so much that you would allow me to lose my dignity?"

I don't care if your mother was Mother Theresa, resentment creeps in after you do enough caregiving, especially when dementia is involved. Mere mortals don't have the patience of Job, so repeating ourselves 1000x a day and making up stories about where the dead relatives are gets O.L.D. after a while.

Any and all feelings you have are valid. They're feelings and as such, they need to be acknowledged and accepted for what they are: emotions. We either deal with them and find healthy coping strategies now or we bury them away and they pop up in destructive ways later on. You're allowed to feel angry, resentful, tired, happy, burned out.......whatever emotion you have is valid but powerless unless you act upon it in a negative way. If you feel resentful at the stress the caregiving is taking on you, figure out what you can do to get a break from it? Who can give you respite? If you have to tough it out for 5 more years till Medicaid kicks in, that's an awfully long time to be caregiving 24/7 without a break!!! Stress is killer and the stress from dementia is particularly horrible to deal with, imo.

My mother is nearly 95 with dementia (diagnosed in 2016) that has advanced dramatically over the past 6 months. I can't carry on a conversation with her at all anymore and her confusion is ramped up to the point that she's almost constantly deluded. She lives in Memory Care Assisted Living so I do no hands on caregiving and still she stresses me out! I feel resentful for being in charge of her entire life (as an only child) for the past 10+ years now, whether that's "valid" or not. I'm to the point I've told DH it's not fair for anyone to have only one child! The burden put onto that child for life is just too much, it really is. I just wanted to share that with you to say I think your feelings of resentment are valid, as are mine, and all the rest of us who are responsible in any way for our elderly parent(s). I'm 64 and sure didn't think my retirement was going to look and feel like THIS, with constant chaotic calls from my mother and her Memory Care, 79 falls so far, trips back and forth to ERs, doctors, rehab, hospitals, neurologists, hospitals, etc etc. It's mind boggling, it really is.

Please find a way to get respite care for mom so you can decompress from all the stress and care for YOURSELF, too.

Wishing you the best of luck with a difficult situation

wearynow: Imho, unfortunately, 24/7 caregiving sometimes manifests into resentment. It happened to me when I had to pack my bags to live 7 states away to care for my late mother in HER home.

I understand totally. I loved my father but we were not emotionally close. Most of my life it was hard for me to deal with his unusual personality. I was the only one who was able to step up to the plate and bring him to live with us when he got dementia. It was bitter-sweet. I took good care of him but I also resented it sometimes and then feel very guilty. After he passed away I inherited the care of his adult son, my brother who was born with cerebral palsy. While he is not difficult to care for, he still needs 24/7 supervision because he is cognitively slow and is unable to make safe decisions for himself...he just cannot care for himself alone so here I am. This is a lifetime commitment for me...and yes more resentment. None of this is his fault so I don't make him feel like it is....but I have my moments of impatience and just wish I didn't have this responsibility every single day. So I get how you feel....I don't think it's unusual.

It must be very tough dealing with this especially when you are having to wait on her 24/7. It would be a good idea to get some outside help to come in at least a couple times a week or more if you are pressed for time. I realized that caregiving really can wear out your patience and it's very understandable why you might be feeling this way. It is often mentally taxing and it sounds like you are needing a break.

You’re not alone. Dementia can turn a loving, wonderful mother into one whose behavior is the clear opposite! I resented my mom most when she called me awful names—for no reason. I was baffled how someone could be so cold to someone who is caring for her 24/7. I’ve given up everything just to care for her during this season in her life. But it isn’t easy! Sigh…but this is the final chapter of my mom’s life. And so I continue, taking one day at a time. That’s all I can do. Big hug to you. Be encouraged. Get outside help and find time for you.

You are sooo NOT alone trust me! My mother like yours was a good mother and still is. I have been her primary caretaker for almost two years now. You are a good daughter trying to do a very difficult job. It is totally normal to feel these feelings of resentment at times and then guilt. Anyone in our situation would. What I have found to help ease the stress is getting help. Find it where ever you can. Family if you’re lucky to have them help out, agencies if you have the financial means, church if you are involved and definitely look into your local senior citizen community services. I receive 6 hours a week for my mom from them. Bottom line you are doing a wonderful thing caring for your Mom but also an extremely difficult one that takes a village! So you have to create your own village! I wish you all the best. This forum has helped me so much in the past year and a half I cannot even begin to tell you. I pray for all of us here each day 🙏

I wish I had a daughter like you. Sigh. I live alone, am 74, and am starting to really deteriorate after my "coding" (dying) from Ventricular Fibrillation in 2117. After they revived me, they put in a pacemaker/defibrillator . I am in Stage 3 of Congestive Heart failure and can feel myself going downhill. The two major things I do for myself... well, 3 major things: testing my breathing, blood pressure and blood sugar, and figuring out which meds to take daily; washing and drying the clothes (but unable to stand long enough to hang them up or fold them); washing the dishes. (Oh, and I order meals to come to my apartment that require little to no fussing in the kitchen, such as chicken wraps you just eat out of the container). The one thing I can't do is take out my garbage. I have asked my son to help me once a week and he expressed THE SAME EXACT FEELINGS you are having. And that is just for ONCE A WEEK, no more than one hour a week. So, I WISH I had a daughter like you. I'm sorry you are being burdened. I think PART of it is also the realization that you are losing your mom slowly and that hurts. IT IS EASIER to be angry or annoyed than to be scared. God bless you for being such a great daughter. If there is ANYONE else in the family nearby, do not hold back your INSISTENCE that they pitch in and help. Explain until she is here X number of years, the government CAN NOT help Mom. Take some deep breaths and find a way to have comfort time for yourself. Realize you are A HERO!!!!

It is sad but not every human has the patience and tolerance to be a caretaker. This is especially true if the person has dementia. These people have broken minds and their behavior can drive a normal person literally insane - who on earth would not get frustrated and angry and want to escape. There are some who can let this go in one ear and out of the other but not everyone can handle that - I know I'd last five minutes and be ready to explode. But I excel in other endeavors. You are normal - she is broken and you can't fix it and no one else can either and it all falls on your shoulders. If possible, find a caretaker before you are so affected negatively, something will have to give. And somehow find a place to put her so she is cared for and you keep your sanity and your life......you feel normal things.

No they are not valid. Like children, frail, infirm, poorly oriented old people need supervision and reassurance. Parents become angry with their children in very similar ways when their freedom and patience is challenged. It’s always wise to consider that you will be in the same situation one day. It’s especially problematic to allow your own children to see your resentment when you are annoyed with your mother. Your own children may very well model the same behavior when it’s your turn to be dependent upon them. My grandmother came to live with us when she was close to 90 but in good shape. My mother treated her so shabbily in our presence. My grandmother was ultimately placed in a nursing home where she died. For the rest of my mother’s life, she suffered from extreme guilt over the way she had treated her mother and rightly so. Our grandmother was an absolutely wonderful person and did not deserve being continually stepped on and verbally abused the way she was. We made certain that our mother was never treated the way she had treated her own mother, but we could have used it as an excuse to treat her the same way. Resent all you want to but treat your mother kindly.

The resentment thing is such a common problem. Most of us feel your pain.
Just a little suggestion: I won't take my mom to the store anymore and maybe those trips need to be just a little break for you to concentrate on just doing what you need to do without the added burden of the hyper-awareness of taking her with you. If she likes going to a store, a specifically planned trip where the focus is only on her looking at things might take away the tension. My mom likes going out to eat, but now we can't even enjoy that much anymore because we have to worry about her not making it the bathroom in time. We have either cut down or cut out things that cause us even more stress, and 10 minutes later, mom won't remember whether she did it or not. This caretaking job is mind-numbing.

Yes, I have experienced the same feelings. When I was caring for my mom in my home, I felt anger, resentment, and lots of frustration. Even though she is now in Long-term Care, I still feel annoyed that her life has to take so much time out of my life.

Then, I feel guilty for having so many negative feelings.
You are not alone.

My Mom was a good Mom and I have been caring for her for the past 13 years. In the beginning I was happy to care for her. But now her Dimensia is at a point that she poos and pees herself many times a day and night. She wears diapers and pads yet nothing stops her from messing herself because she thinks she doesn’t need them and as soon as I am not looking she takes them off. I too have come to resent this burden. I am 67 and should be living a retired lifestyle instead I take care of her. But in the night when she is sleeping I remember the good times and say I can do this at least for a few more days. That is how I get thru it.
This message board has really helped me too. Prior all I read were these loving messages and thought why don’t I feel warm and loving towards her all the time. This board has really helped me to know I am not alone. One day at a time and often one hour at a time. God bless.

As an only child, and an adoptee on top of that, it fell to me to deal with my mom as her decline toward death developed, including dementia that had been carefully masked by her since my dad had passed 11 years before. I use the word 'deal' on purpose because we had a difficult relationship from the getgo; and I lived halfway across the US from her to boot. It was bizarre and yet poignant to realize that I then had to 'parent my parent.' It was a huge disruption to my life, to my hardwon independence from the selfish, Narcissistic, controlling woman that raised me; my father was in the military and away on duty much of my early childhood. My resentment toward my mom stemmed from the poor communication, the financial burden, and the sudden dependency of my mom, who did not comprehend her actual situation. She had no friends and even relatives in her area kept their distance, such was her difficult personality. Luckily a kind lady who helped mom with housework once a week stepped up and became my long distance 'eyes and ears' and a conduit for me to do things for my mom. We often had to pretend many things were coming from the local lady friend, not from me, such was my mom's determination to keep me at arm's length, to acknowledge her need, her own increasing dependency. Mom's doctor was also a barrier, hiding behind HIPAA laws until her favorite nephew coaxed a permission slip out of her to make her doctor share important information with me; it was uphill all the way. I honestly felt trapped a lot of the time, and definitely overwhelmed, but support groups helped to a degree, plus my determination to ensure she and I had a 'clean' ending, for both our sakes: she was a human being deserving of dignity despite our rough history AND I wanted to know I did 'right' by her to be at peace when she passed away. Mom was suspicious of most everything I did, even financial things, but I knew it was her illness, not just her personality. As harsh as this may sound I sometimes think what else should we do...put our elders on an ice floe and send them away? Part of our own path and spiritual task is to step up, Without Undermining Our Own Health, because the task will also teach us, help us grow as human beings. That does NOT mean being anyone's doormat, or to be taken advantage of by other family members. Often times other folks are also at a loss as to What to Do; as with any interpersonal situation Communication is key: you have to spell it out for people, identify what is needed and ask for it. A lot is trial and error and that is OK! For the FIL who notified you 'your mom is standing'...let FIL know he has your backing, thank him and ask him to reassure her, to 'babysit' her. We will all be there someday, to one degree or another; I don't think any amount of 'planning' can cover all the bases because every journey is different. Nobody truly understands elder care until they've experienced it themselves, and there is no one 'right' way...your feelings are legitimate AND you/we step up; when we commit to the task it is very interesting how the way reveals itself; trust yourself, know that feelings are indicators, spurring us to become creative with ideas and solutions. All the Best for all concerned.

Hugs to you! I am sad to admit that I have felt this way many times. My Mom is and was an amazing Mom and deserves nothing but love but I get tired, frustrated and sometimes resentful. You are human. I never reached out for help or to take brakes, you should. Doesn't matter if other people will be as good as you are with your Mom, take a break whenever you can even if it is short. This helps a little. Know that you are not alone and you are allowed to feel whatever you feel.

Weary, great big warm hug!

I totally understand where you are coming from.

I would recommend having a talk with your inlaws and explain that they would be helping you tremendously if they would address a situation with mom when they see it. Like telling her, she's okay, you are just on the other ailse and will be back in a moment.

Sometimes it is hard to believe that adults can not know how to deal with a simple situation but, it is a balancing act to find where to step in and when to find you. Encourage them and give them ideas how to cope with her. I bet it helps everybody. Dementia is so confounding when you 1st encounter it.

Remember - breathe and find the humor. I bet you FIL never dealt with his kids "issues" either. :-) I can hear him now, mommy little man child has pooped and is looking for you, aaaahhhhh!

The resentment is definitely part of the process. Ironically, it will switch back and forth between that and guilt.

'This burden of being the point person for even minor things really annoyed me...'

What you are feeling seems totally normal to me. We still tend to think of our parents as they were, our carers (whether good or bad at it), and it's really hard to have the roles reversed, especially if you are also helping out with grandchildren, as so many of us are these days.

My mum sadly *does* seem to be a narcissist and was never independent or proactive, and I find being responsible for running the life of someone I've never felt close to extremely difficult. Recent blood tests show my stress hormone levels are far too high, but what can I do? Society expects me to help my mother and I would feel guilty if I didn't, so no gain there!

I have had counselling and try to go walking in the country to calm myself. I hope you find a way that helps you.

I believe it is normal to feel resent. I went through the same stage of caring for my Mom. My Mom was always a calm Mother when I was a child. She was fun, open , would sit down with us 4 daughters once a week and we would ask her anything we wanted to know. It was just the girls time with her as I have 3 brothers also. My Dad would do the same with the boys once a week. I had a wonderful childhood.

Dementia changed my Mom. She went thru so many changes. From, accusing me of stealing from her to saying I was an awful person and all my brother and sisters think so too. She would spit on me, call me filthy names, swing at me etc. I began to almost hate her but for sure I resented her for a while. Today , when I leave the room she begins yelling, Help me, Help me until I come back into the room and she can see me.

I do not resent her anymore. Nor do I feel anger or dislike towards her. She is calmer now. Loving, fun in different ways now and quite effectionate. The stages of this disease change. For a long time I have felt guilty for feeling so badly towards her.

Its not her fault. I live in my childhood when it comes to her. That's the Mom I will always remember. It's my childhood memories that keeps me from resenting her now and give me the strength to continue to care for her.

Your feeling of resent are normal. I hope it will pass someday.

Yes, your feelings are valid and normal. I feel them also. This is hard. No one understands until they experience it. I have no easy answers for you but use any help you can to get breaks, and meet a friend or do something you enjoy. I also pray a lot for patience and compassion. And keep coming to this website. It helps. 💕

I totally sympathise with you my mum is 81 and I resent her relying on me also I get frustrated with her and lose my patience as she forgets everything causes problems with the Carers and has started being rude unfortunately I’m told that’s just what they all go through but it is frustrating I have started cutting my visits down as she was stressing me out you are not alone I’m afraid but what option do we have

Is it actually the financial burden of caring for her that irks you? You mentioned you are using your own funds. That could be at the root of your resentment more than caring for her 24/7. Just a thought.

If your mother's getting some financial help in 5 years will allow you place her in a facility, you can be looking forward to that and you can do some research in the meantime to help you choose an appropriate placement. If you are het only help until then, find ways you can lighten your current "job.". Adult Day care might be worth the cost to give yourself some time away from her constant needs.

In the example you gave about going to a store, what was wrong with your mother standing up? Was she in danger of falling or wandering off? It sounds like your in-laws were with her, so she was probably physically safe. If she is distressed at not seeing you but is actually safe, don't panic that she might have a few minutes of anxiety.