Mom was actually a decent mother, and yet I have started resenting her now that I'm responsible for her 24/7. Are these feelings valid?

You’re not alone. Dementia can turn a loving, wonderful mother into one whose behavior is the clear opposite! I resented my mom most when she called me awful names—for no reason. I was baffled how someone could be so cold to someone who is caring for her 24/7. I’ve given up everything just to care for her during this season in her life. But it isn’t easy! Sigh…but this is the final chapter of my mom’s life. And so I continue, taking one day at a time. That’s all I can do. Big hug to you. Be encouraged. Get outside help and find time for you.

It must be very tough dealing with this especially when you are having to wait on her 24/7. It would be a good idea to get some outside help to come in at least a couple times a week or more if you are pressed for time. I realized that caregiving really can wear out your patience and it's very understandable why you might be feeling this way. It is often mentally taxing and it sounds like you are needing a break.

I understand totally. I loved my father but we were not emotionally close. Most of my life it was hard for me to deal with his unusual personality. I was the only one who was able to step up to the plate and bring him to live with us when he got dementia. It was bitter-sweet. I took good care of him but I also resented it sometimes and then feel very guilty. After he passed away I inherited the care of his adult son, my brother who was born with cerebral palsy. While he is not difficult to care for, he still needs 24/7 supervision because he is cognitively slow and is unable to make safe decisions for himself...he just cannot care for himself alone so here I am. This is a lifetime commitment for me...and yes more resentment. None of this is his fault so I don't make him feel like it is....but I have my moments of impatience and just wish I didn't have this responsibility every single day. So I get how you feel....I don't think it's unusual.

wearynow: Imho, unfortunately, 24/7 caregiving sometimes manifests into resentment. It happened to me when I had to pack my bags to live 7 states away to care for my late mother in HER home.

I don't care if your mother was Mother Theresa, resentment creeps in after you do enough caregiving, especially when dementia is involved. Mere mortals don't have the patience of Job, so repeating ourselves 1000x a day and making up stories about where the dead relatives are gets O.L.D. after a while.

Any and all feelings you have are valid. They're feelings and as such, they need to be acknowledged and accepted for what they are: emotions. We either deal with them and find healthy coping strategies now or we bury them away and they pop up in destructive ways later on. You're allowed to feel angry, resentful, tired, happy, burned out.......whatever emotion you have is valid but powerless unless you act upon it in a negative way. If you feel resentful at the stress the caregiving is taking on you, figure out what you can do to get a break from it? Who can give you respite? If you have to tough it out for 5 more years till Medicaid kicks in, that's an awfully long time to be caregiving 24/7 without a break!!! Stress is killer and the stress from dementia is particularly horrible to deal with, imo.

My mother is nearly 95 with dementia (diagnosed in 2016) that has advanced dramatically over the past 6 months. I can't carry on a conversation with her at all anymore and her confusion is ramped up to the point that she's almost constantly deluded. She lives in Memory Care Assisted Living so I do no hands on caregiving and still she stresses me out! I feel resentful for being in charge of her entire life (as an only child) for the past 10+ years now, whether that's "valid" or not. I'm to the point I've told DH it's not fair for anyone to have only one child! The burden put onto that child for life is just too much, it really is. I just wanted to share that with you to say I think your feelings of resentment are valid, as are mine, and all the rest of us who are responsible in any way for our elderly parent(s). I'm 64 and sure didn't think my retirement was going to look and feel like THIS, with constant chaotic calls from my mother and her Memory Care, 79 falls so far, trips back and forth to ERs, doctors, rehab, hospitals, neurologists, hospitals, etc etc. It's mind boggling, it really is.

Please find a way to get respite care for mom so you can decompress from all the stress and care for YOURSELF, too.

Wishing you the best of luck with a difficult situation

Hi, you are to your mother what I was to mine, your having support of others may be a blessing I wished for, but then again, it could be the reason why you are feeling pressured to be on point with your mother, which is frustrating and unfair to anyone. I was hated by my siblings, I didn't know why, people who visited my mother reported back to my siblings why the care I was giving was not enough, and why they felt my mom should be as my siblings wanted, given in a nursing home. I had a routine with my mother and did it for 3 years, I took a job that allowed me no money, but enough to pay bills, and be approved for food stamps. Not both, however, it was a sacrifice I was willing to make, I needed to be home mornings, afternoons, and nights, I became a bus aide for school children. Left for work after checking my mother, at 5:00am, was home by 9:30am, breakfast, bath, cleaning, dressing, hair..ect....took a 1 hour nap from 11:30am to 12:30pm, made lunch, gave mom bathroom break and new Depends, then she went back into her chair, and I went back to work at 1:30pm. Left her lunch on a table in front of her chair, with snacks. Came home 5;30pm, checked mom, made dinner, served dinner, went back into house, mom was now living in the apartment we built for my grandmother, I lived in it when I was asked to stay at home and help with the house by both my deceased step father, mother, and siblings volunteered me as best candidate, as I would also be staying until both my mother and step-father had passed away, as protection for them to stay in their home, and not be forced into a nursing home. Anyway, as a care giver you know the routine, or will, my mother was physically disabled for the last 3 years of her life. I almost wished she was mentally disabled, I may have been able to sleep a bit more. Most of my time taking care of my mother was alone, towards the last 6 months of her life, I had to ask my son to please help me lift her at night, she weighed about 300lbs. and my back was starting to give me problems. He was 6' and I am 5'2", she was 5'3", he was able to lift her off her feet and into the scooter, so that I could take her into the bathroom and get her changed for nighttime, that one little break helped me more than I can say. I never resented my mother, I did resent her friends, or people who came over without notice, my mother didn't want anyone to know how much she had to depend on me for her daily care, especially her friends, who always looked to her for strenght to get over whatever pains or physical problems they had. My mother was a physical therapist before she retired, she was 83 when she died. When a friend would come over to visit with my mother, my mom would sign me that I needed to wait till we could do her bathroom break, she was incontinent, so if I was unable to get her to the bathroom at key times, her Depend was the only defense against her not soaking the recliner. I kept plastic on the recliner for that reason, and of course I was blamed for the lack of care given to my mother as they would notice that she was wet. One time a friend came over, and I refused to let her sit without going to the bathroom, and getting dressed for nighttime, I made my apologies and took my mother into the bathroom. As we were finishing, the friend came down the hallway and took a look into the bathroom and saw me cleaning and dressing my mother, which was so embarrassing to my mother, but she knew this friend was nosy and said she should have expected it. I guess in a way that was a blessing to me, because no one knew how much I did for my mother, but now this friend did, and it shouldn't have mattered, but everyone thought I was just a loafing off of my mother, while she was dealing with everything by herself. When I asked my mom to tell people that I am helping her, so they stop thinking of me so poorly, her answer was, "Do you really need a pat on the back so much that you would allow me to lose my dignity?"

Omg- I’m overwhelmed by your generosity in reassuring me. Your stories are so poignant but my takeaway is you all persevered/ing and came out somehow at the end or getting thru your days. I will try to draw courage from each of you and take breaks when this resentment threatens to boil over. Salute to all of you and a huge THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU

You are doing a wonderful thing, being responsible for your mother in her time of need. You will have to be strong while you get a situation where she is able to get assistance. Get connected with the caregiving and immigrant communities in your area to find out what assistance is available. A social worker may also be able to advise you. There may be some programs that might help. Some communities have elder day care. Might this be a way for you to get some breaks? Good luck to you!

Of course. I even resent the dog now for restricting my freedom, space, schedule.

OMG 😲feeling the same today.....you come to their house with A heart full of love and you leave with resentment.Then you feel guilty for feeling that way. Yet we do it again and again and again.

The unintentional selfishness of very elderly and, especially, those with dementia, goes against the grain of all we're taught to respect. Learning how to care without trust or reciprocity is a very hard thing. Some people are never endowed with this ability, most of us have moments we get it, followed by large swathes of time when we don't get it. Your resentment is not at your mother; it's for the loss of your freedom and your belief system. We suffer the same thing in our household. My mother is 99 years old, blind, deaf, and suffering memory loss and often confusion. It's especially hard on my wife, who felt that, after caring for her parents, one grandparent, two of my children with special needs, and a great-nephew on the autism spectrum, we'd finally have time for ourselves. The great schism between caring for someone on their way out of life, and secretly wishing them gone is very hard. Every time we think we could find some "safe" place other than our home for her, another wave of the pandemic washes over us.

Just know you are okay to feel the way you do, and you are not alone.

I have gotten to that point and I feel horrible .. my husband has dementia and because of poor decisions prior to his illness I have to work full time. I totally resent him now. I have taken over responsibilities for everything snd he just sits in the living room most of the day and does nothing.he will only shower once a week, eats everything he is not supposed to as he has high blood pressure, high cholesterol and diabetes and argues with me all the time. I also lost a child in a car accident and where I work in the ED is extremely busy... pediatrics, inner city, I had to stay the other night and didn’t get home til 5 am

I think what you are feeling is normal. I love my mom, and will always do the best I can for her, but at times I become resentful. I resent having to be the middle man aka point person, for everything also - from phone calls to appointments and everything in between. (She's in a wheelchair, almost blind and hard of hearing.) I have to make many decisions on her behalf, but always make a point of asking her what she would like. Most of the time she leaves it up to me and then complains about whatever I've decided. All in all, it can be a thankless position to be in, so I think some resentment is normal.