She said that this caregiver has been "mean" to her and almost dropped her the other day. She won't take her out every day (I don't expect her to at all). I told Mom that she needs to have a GREAT reason before we do that, and we also need to make sure we have someone to cover her shifts if we do decide to let her go. This caregiver has been with Mom for years, and I know that Mom is not the easiest person to care for and it has gotten much harder in the last few months.
I HATE confrontation, so if WE decide to let her go, it won't be easy! I want to be able to go to work and not have to worry about who is taking care of Mom and that her needs are being met. Ugh....
Spend time with them too and ask if they think Mom has changed recently, maybe more demanding or critical, asks for one thing then critisizes when it is provided. You don't have to be there 24/7 just a few hours at different time of the day. If Mom has a dementia diagnosis this kind of behaviour is likely and will only get worse and Pam's suggestion of medication maybe the only way to go.
having excluded all else even changing the caregiver is unlikey to help because she will find even more fault with the next one.
Everyone gets older and their ability to do certain jobs changes over time so I repeat don't jump into action without a thorough investigation unless you see mom in imminent danger. care giving can be a thankless job on one hand but very rewarding on the other so find out what has changed.
The caregiver may be getting burned out and is ready for a change. The caregiver may be adjusting just fine to the increased difficulty. The caregiver is likely to have created a bond with your mother even though your mother apparently does not share this bond. The caretaker certainly does not want to get fired. Your mother may be making mountains out of molehills.
With all things considered, if you feel your mother is being abused, or is in immediate risk of being abuse, then fire this caregiver immediately and worry about a replacement later. If you or the caregiver feel this just isn't working out any more, then make arrangements with the caregiver for and "end" date that can coincide with a new caregiver "start" date. Before any of the changes happen, explain to your mother what is being considered and/or about to happen so she can voice her feeling on the matter. As stated early in this message, unless your mother has been deemed incapable of making her own decisions, justified or not, it is ultimately up to your mother if this caretaker is to stay or be replaced.
To work and not have to worry about who is taking care of your mother and whether or not her needs are being met, have regular meeting the the care givers to find out from them how things are going and if they have any concerns or suggestions about your mother or your mother's care.
If you are POA hun she cant fire them and she cant hire em either so really it is your call but you sound as though you have this well under control SO fingers crossed for you sweetheart xxx
Surely your Mom knows how she it treated and if she doesn't like the person, she should be replaced. And I find it sad that an earlier commenter would so quickly jump to "maybe she needs meds." The elderly are chronically and unnecessarily overmedicated for responsive behaviour that would be considered normal in "healthy" people.
If my mother wasn't happy with someone, I would replace them.
In the fleshy part of the top of the arm on the underside...so if you imagine your left arm bent at 90 degrees at the elbow so that your forearm is in front of you then about halfway between your elbow and your arm pit on the side of your arm that is against your body thats where the demons go. They take a small bit of skin and pinch hard (it is usually as I understand it done with a pinch and a twist) and if there are two of them working in cahoots they will both do it. It looks to any onlooker as though they are being loving and caring holding her hand with one hand and the other under her arm for support because they say that they know it hurts poor Mary (sic) to stand unaided but it is far from that. The only time I saw it in practice was in a care home although I had seen the result of one such incident before. The whole scene in hindsight was quite surreal. On the one hand they were saying let us help you Mary (sic) yes sweetheart we know it hurts while on the other hand they were doing the hurting... there aren't enough expletives in the world to describe these people but.... The main trouble is that because a relative NEVER looks at an underarm it can go months unnoticed. In this case both 'carers' and I use the term loosely went to prison for the offences but god knows how many they had done it to in the past.
Question 1 - does your mum have capacity to make decision? If answer is yes then she can I am afraid do as SHE pleases. However it is not incumbent upon you to find another carer - although your mum wont see it like that!!!! so be warned on that one
Question 2 If she doesnt have capacity is the caregiver really being "mean" to her and what does she mean by that? Of course if she doesnt have capacity then that could be very difficult to establish but that needs probing for sure
Question 3 The caregiver almost dropped her the other day. Well any carer worth her alt wont be lifting anyone - back injuries etc are too risky so in what way did she nearly drop her or did the carer get her to try and do as much for herself but your Mum was feeling a little shaky so the caregiver stepped in too support - you see that isnt nearly dropping its support - agaion your mum wont see it like that
Comment .....You say Mom is not the easiest person to care for and it has gotten much harder in the last few months - sadly it does I am afraid as they lose more and more strength they seem to gain more and more 'orneriness (is that even a word?).
Suggestion ......Caregivers are used to being accused so talk to the caregiver and tell her what your Mum has said and ask her outright - is there an issue? It may be the caregiver hasnt done a catch up with you of late and that your mum's needs need to be reviewed because they have changed.
It may be that long term familiarity has bred contempt from your mother. I'm sure there is a way through the maze of question that must be scrambling your head right now but one step at a time. Take a deep breath and talk to your mum first and write down all that she says so you dont forget and so that you have a record - god forbid that you ever need it. And monitor the situation - it may be in a day or two that same carer is flavour of the month again
Jude, Mom doesn't have the capacity to hire someone on her own; I have DPOA over everything and she cannot pay bills, get money out of the bank, etc. She never had to pay a bill; Daddy always did it. As to Question #3, Mom didn't elaborate and they don't completely lift her; they help her stand and transfer from chair to chair, chair to bed, etc.
Mom has become more ornery as you said lately; she gets mad if she doesn't get her way (going out all day every day to Wal-Mart, grocery store, etc.) and pouts when she doesn't get her way. This morning she pouted because she didn't have cookies next to her bed when she went to sleep last night.
My sister called her to find out what is going on. Mom mentioned getting rid of caregiver but also said she may be jumping the gun. I am going to talk to the caregiver and ask her if she would like a week off, with pay, to get a break and take a breather. I hope she takes me up on it, and comes back refreshed. I also plan on talking to ALL the caregivers and let them know what Mom and I expect of them. I need to be able to work knowing Mom's needs are being taken care of.
I also realize that Mom has no one to vent to that isn't emotionally involved so I am going to call her home health agency and see if they can find someone that she can talk to once a month or so to get things off her chest.
Thanks again everyone. This site is wonderful!
On the subject of becoming ornery, I think I probably would too if I was wheelchair-bound, reliant on other people, feeling confused, and being ill. In fact, I'd probably be REALLY REALLY ornery...
Further, everyone needs respite, care partnering with anyone is excruciatingly difficult. People just plain get worn out :(
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