My mom (83, undiagnosed dementia because she refuses to see a geriatrician) still lives in the same house she raised us in. It's way too big for her and she refuses to downsize. Anyway, that's not the issue I am fighting today.
She has a large yard that needs maintenance in addition to just mowing. Limb trimming, garden weeding, planting, etc. My mom is not poor, and can well afford to pay for these things. She just doesn't want to part with her money, and thinks I can do it all myself. I can do a lot, but I am 56 and have MS. I don't have the stamina to haul stuff to the curb, and I am too short to do much limb trimming. I can get her handyman to help me for probably $100. She is adamant that she will not pay him for that, he has already done her raking and will continue to mow for her, and she doesn't want to pay "a fortune". She also says "your brother will do this, your brother will do that". My brother lives seven hours away, works full time, and has a family. He isn't her chore monkey.
I have POA and I can just pay him with her money, but she will know he is there and will want to know how he is being paid. If I tell her I am paying, presumably with my own money, she will get angry and then end up paying him herself and resent me for it.
This sounds like a classic case of you ‘enabling’ mother to believe that she is independent, when she isn’t. The right answer might be to put it all together, and then tell mother that you have also stopped being the ‘chore monkey’. Some time when she tries to prove how independent she is, and fails, might be the quickest way to solve a lot of current and future problems. It’s better than waiting until it would be genuinely unsafe.
Check it out with your brother – it helps a lot to present a united front. At least it’s something to think about that doesn’t involve lawyers or a fight with bureaucracy!
If that handyman assistance is $100/month, she'd be getting a good deal! You probably know that. So, perhaps as someone else suggested, get some quotes from landscaping companies who do this kind of work. Once you have 2 or 3 of these, show her how much it *REALLY* costs to get this done (don't show the handyman, he might up his cost!) Once she sees it is more of a bargain, maybe, but don't hold your breath yet!
Next is to say exactly what you did here:
You're not a spring chicken.
You're not in the best of health.
You're not the right size to tackle these chores.
Your brother is 7 hours away, has his own obligations AND is NOT her chore monkey (love that expression too!)
At that point, you give her 3 options:
*She hires someone else to do this work.
*She pays the handyman.
*She lives with it all not done.
IF you find the POA allows you to pay him (perhaps best to run it by the atty who wrote it up), you could try having the handyman do the work and pay him, at least once. Perhaps if she sees he does a good job she will relent.
As for this:
"If I tell her I am paying, presumably with my own money, she will get angry and then end up paying him herself and resent me for it."
If she pays up and resents you for it, so what? The work gets done. She pays for it. YOU don't have to do it! Sounds like a winning combination to me! So she gripes moans and complains - she's probably doing that already, so go for it!
I understand, I dislike paying to have things done but that is part of homeownership. I pay to have the grass mowed but I still shovel snow...with each snow, I begin to rethink that idea though!
Tell her she has 2 options.
Pay to have done what need to be done.
Move to Independent or Assisted Living or other community where yard work is covered by HOA fees.
Pay to stay (keeping home maintained) or Pay to move (downsize, IL or AL).
Good luck!
if it’s not obvious on city / co website, if you’re on Next Door you can post a question on it and you’ll get more answers than you’ll need.
If so, I’d make a print out of that factoid with the fine amount (& interest) highlighted.
Then contact 3 lawn maintenance companies to do an estimate of annual care.
Then be clear & firm with mom that she has 3 choices:
yard goes back to nature & she gets fined;
sign an annual maintenance contract ;
or handyman will add on chores as needed by your request & paid for out of moms banking.
Btw absolutely love your term “Chore Monkey”
ignore, pay (lump sum) or pay (as required).
So simple yet genius!
I love 'Chore Monkey' too 😅
Of course, you care about her but you aren’t responsible for these issues. She has money to pay for them, better still, she could downsize as you suggested.
She doesn't need to see a geriatrician to be diagnosed with dementia. You could tell her she needs a physical and have her regular doctor test her. Give his office the heads up in advance as to your concerns and ask that she be tested.
The other option is to pay for the help yourself, keep records, and pay yourself back when it's time to inherit or when you take over her finances. It'd probably be a good idea to bounce this off your brother so he knows what you have in mind before you start writing checks to yourself.
I didn't take payment for all the managing, running around, the 2.75 years of clearing, cleaning and organizing repairs on mom's condo. Six years and counting now that I've been the one shouldering it all. When we split up the trust, I had asked the company to do X amount each and put the remainder into the checking account associated with it. They didn't. They split it all. Thankfully I was wise enough to move 10k before mom's second stroke. I also couldn't stop the distribution for January 2021, which I had just increased due to MC cost increase. So, there were funds that could be used to pay the cap gains and tax preparation. I had hoped to get brothers to agree to let me have the remainder, but the taxes were a killer on the trust this year. Each tax return has whittled this away and we will have to do one more for the trust (distr happened in March this year, so there will be one more return to do.) There's also a similar amount in an estate account (would have avoided that but for the MC deposit refund, and 2 of the stimulus payments.) That's still pending as I'm waiting for the tax refund which is most of that first stimulus they reduced because they used an old tax return.
Anyway, my point is that we don't know what the future holds. Should mom need facility care or a lot of in home care, that could wipe out any "inheritance." There's also no guarantee the courts would approve back payment for things you covered. I'm not holding my breath. If I get some agreed to by bros and/or the court, great, but it likely won't be nearly enough to cover those 6 years and counting! Even if there's 9k left, that comes to less than $5/day for all that I've done. Whoopee.
Perhaps in time, she will see how bad her yard looks and decide to take action. But until then, it's her house and her yard, so she can do or not do whatever she darn well pleases. Just make sure you're taking care of yourself in the meantime. Best wishes.