My mom (83, undiagnosed dementia because she refuses to see a geriatrician) still lives in the same house she raised us in. It's way too big for her and she refuses to downsize. Anyway, that's not the issue I am fighting today.
She has a large yard that needs maintenance in addition to just mowing. Limb trimming, garden weeding, planting, etc. My mom is not poor, and can well afford to pay for these things. She just doesn't want to part with her money, and thinks I can do it all myself. I can do a lot, but I am 56 and have MS. I don't have the stamina to haul stuff to the curb, and I am too short to do much limb trimming. I can get her handyman to help me for probably $100. She is adamant that she will not pay him for that, he has already done her raking and will continue to mow for her, and she doesn't want to pay "a fortune". She also says "your brother will do this, your brother will do that". My brother lives seven hours away, works full time, and has a family. He isn't her chore monkey.
I have POA and I can just pay him with her money, but she will know he is there and will want to know how he is being paid. If I tell her I am paying, presumably with my own money, she will get angry and then end up paying him herself and resent me for it.
What a great idea! Thinking back, I didn't do this. I might ignore the demand, and actually often my mother did forget about it. But eventually (sometimes very soon) she was back at it, making a ridiculous demand. But for some people who assume that the child will do it all, it will force them to come right out and say, "YOU do it!" And some that expect the child to offer will find it uncomfortable to get to the point of demanding it from the child.
Doing this kind of work is ridiculous. They get so bent out of shape over a blade of grass or a drooping tree branch that could literally be taken care of in ten minutes for 100 bucks, BY SOMEONE ELSE. Your health is not worth “make my yard look nice and I don’t want to pay for it so it’s all you.” No way.
You, on the other hand, need to have a pretty bad back ache or other pain in the presence of your mom - can't do this today because my back still acting up and from what the dr said, it might not get better if I climb a ladder, lift something, etc. Your ache is going to have to be around long enough for her to get used to other 'paid' people are doing her chores.
Also seems most things she needs for safety or hygiene she gets upset that I buy them out of HER money. Such as bibs to protect her clothes because she has a lot of spills when eating and commode liners to keep down the smell and facilitate cleanup of the bedside commode. She even told me she "didn't need" a walker tray to put her plate and other items on when she is seated, but I bought it anyway and she uses it everyday. She never once said thank you or that it was a good purchase. *shrug*
Ignore with love. That's they way to do it. Ignore her until she gets over her tantrum and becomes reasonable again.
Action:
Mom. Who paid for it?
You. You did. It’s $100 for the handyman. It’s $2000 to take the trees down.
Mom: Take the trees down!! Why would I take the trees down?
You: To save time. I don’t have time to have this conversation again.
(No laughing while you deliver this line. Chore monkeys are not allowed to laugh)
Pick up your purse and keys and exit.
Next problem.
After six years I had enough.
I just explain to her that from now on, you have the money either you pay me, pay someone else get one of your useless family members to finally contribute to the upkeep or it does not get done.
Be firm but polite and do not back down. She is your mother, she is expected to be respectful towards you.
MS can be affected by both physical output you know you should not be doing, and by mental stress. Do consider moving away from this woman if you are able. I may be crucial to your health.
Wishing you good luck.
I just list my wife. In her final days, she was in Hospice Care. Translation- they provide free drugs and change the bed plus the client if they no longer have the strength to do it themselves.
i’m 79. My daughter that lives close by has MS. She & her mom were best buddies... shopped together. Had lunch in upscale places and such.
We married just after the Kennedy assassination.
I have been disabled for 21 years, but could still walk some most days. She had to be changed regularly as she could no longer walk or get out of bed unassisted by 2 people.
i ( we) caught a break as members of our family are military medical. They made it look easy. and done as well as a veteran caregiver. Hospice does not provide a 24/7 “chore monkey”.
Thats on whoever if you have the $$. It’s not cheap. My wife was determined not to have expensive tests done, nor willingly go to a hospital. She made sure that the Purple DNR was posted clearly throughout the apartment.
We didn’t have $$ for things most people take for granted. But she made sure her body got to a local medical school, and her bills were paid.
Some elderly carry on about refusing to spend money and expecting everything for free because they think they can take it with them and being old somehow entitles them to being owed. It doesn't.
That somehow if they hoard all of their money and don't part with a cent it will keep them in control of not only their lives, but also the lives of their family.
It does not need to be you who does the chores for money or otherwise. You should use her money to hire help as needed.
Your mother won't like it, but her choice is pay to maintain the house and property or move to an apartment or a facility.
Don't kill yourself trying to be a one-person landscaping team for her. If she refuses to pay a service then leave it as it is. Explain to her that you can't do it. If it's allowed to get bad enough the city or town she lives in will get a ruling and she doesn't get it done, they will do it. Then she'll see what a real bill looks like. Sometimes, many times our senior loved ones can only get over their stubbornness by learning the hard way.
I worked for an old lady years ago who would pay for nothing and thought her son and DIL should do the work for free. The outside got so bad that the town had to come and do the work. Then the little old lady who wanted everything for free got a $10,000 bill from the city for the work that she then got 30 days to pay otherwise they'll put a lien on the property. The town got their money.
You and your brother should talk to your mom together that she now has to accept homecare help coming in. There has to be money spent to make her house safe for her to stay in. There has to be money spent to keep the outside property up too.
Otherwise her money will be spent on the nursing home you and brother put her in. That she will not be allowed to stay in her home if the place isn't safe and she isn't cared for. The state will be the one making the decisions because it will be out of her hands, yours, and your brother's.
Have a social worker explain this to her too.
I would get together with long distance brother and make a plan, unless you ready to provide her a place to stay, you are looking at taking over, or forced to move in.
Unfortunately, most allow family members to get worse allowing then to think they are in control but what happens if yard man just stop coming, house begin to fall apart, she ends up on the floor cannot get up? Must let her know, both of you, and to be honest, I hope there is a back up decision maker, mother requires more help than you might be able to give if you do not see she is incapable of rational decision making. Might begin to speak with an attorney and get a Case Manager who specializes in creating care plans. It is time for you both to have a real family meeting.
They say "Don't call EMS! YOU have to pick me up."
And "No I won't pay for a door code for EMS access! YOU have to drive over & open my door".
Lack of insight or reason can be a tough gig.
From earlier posts I learned that you live 150 miles RT from her, and that she is about 83 years old.
How often are you going to her house, and when you are there, what do you do? You've also previously mentioned that she doesn't like to shower (hard to get into and out of the tub), and that she's refused to do maintenance on the house in the past. Does she keep up with cleaning? (I'm guessing no.)
What is her financial situation? And, more importantly, how long are you willing to enable the current situation? As time goes on, you will be expected to shoulder more and more of the burden, to prop up her self-image of "independent" living.
She does have a housekeeper once a week, who is a very nice woman and good company. She is very affordable and would do more, more often. It's hard enough to get mom to continue to agree to the $30 a week she spends on her now! Mom is very well off financially, both of her husbands made sure of that. She has a good income with both SS and an annuity. She does not spend her whole income every month, not even close.
Her resentfulness on paying for repairs and maintenance stems from my stepfather, who always fixed and maintained everything. He was a good husband, as was my father. She is angry that she is twice widowed, which is completely understandable. However, my dad has been gone since 1975, and my step dad died in 2009. Time to get over the fact that she now needs to pay for things she used to get for free.
My brother is a great guy, I think I've heard him raise his voice a handful of times in my life and that was always because a dog ran off, lol. He is an introvert and I am the "big sister". He is happy with any decision I make regarding mom. I'd appreciate his input, or other ideas, but his go-to is "sounds good to me sis". Better than having opposition, but sometimes I am just not sure what the answer is. My SIL is helpful, as she is an OT and her sister is a NP.
As a follow-up, the handyman DID complete her outside cleanup. Cost $300. A landscaping company would have charged probably $1000. My childhood next door friend has retired, moved back to town, and is temporarily living with his parents, still next door, until the housing market calms down and he can buy a house. He is a great "spy", and reports on whatever he thinks I should know. I feel much better having someone I trust right next door.
I'm going up Monday and Tuesday. We will do cemetery flowers, and I will plant some annuals for her. I love gardening and making her home look nice. It's the heavy stuff I can't manage.
She'll just have to get over it
My suggestion, if it doesn't need to be done let it go.
If it truly needs to be done, you might be able to reason with your Mom by showing her "the numbers", including her savings, income vs living expenses. Indicate what she can spend yearly for home maintenance And how long her money will last.
Most elderly are very concerned about running out of money. I know from experience.
Another approach may be to address your health issues with Mom.
It is difficult to reason with an unreasonable person.
Best wishes.
I slowly learned that "keep it in the family" meant that she got the jobs done for a 10th of the price she would have to pay someone else to do it.
What I discovered (years later, sadly) was that she was getting a subsidy from the government all along to pay for the jobs I was doing, and she was spending the money she saved by getting me to do the work on makeup and shoes!
I stopped helping after I found out I was getting used as cheap labor so she could pocket the difference!
Just say 'no'.
Sad because the home could be sold to someone who would enjoy doing the yard work/ and or the yard instead of see it as a burden.
I don’t know if your mom has dementia or what level but I felt for you when you said your mom would resent you for it. That is her problem. Don’t let her emotions stop you from working with your brother to help you find a practical solution. Which by the way you already have- pay the handyman for now. I mean many seniors just received unexpected stimulus checks. Use that money. 🙂
People shouldn’t give birth to sons (or daughters) so they become chore monkeys for them. Yes sometimes people get old and need assistance, but the yard is becoming an unrealistic lifestyle for you and your mother.
HAHAHAHAHA! Funny grandma... But, yeah, you thought wrong.
Being that your brother lives 7 hours away, he has an easy excuse: "Sorry, mom, I can't make the drive and have things to do around my own house." You, on the other hand, need to get comfortable with therapeutic fibs: "Sorry, mom, I'm having an MS flareup and won't be able to help you around the house. It's time we hire a service so that you don't get a violation letter from the town." If she refuses, let her yard go.
You also could stand up to your mother and say "Mom, you made me POA. If you are unhappy with my decision to hire a landscaper for you then I can't continue trying to help you. You seem more concerned about money than about my health and wellbeing."
I'm sorry that you are dealing with this. Dementia is hard whether it's diagnosed or not. Your mother's needs are only going to increase. Now, it's the yard, but as her illness progresses, it will be other things - bigger problems - that you will need to solve for her.
It's best that you start getting her used to change and home help sooner rather than later. "Mom, I'm trying to help you to continue living here. I'm doing my best to help you live independently. And if you want me to continue helping you, we will have to work together to make sure it's safe and the house is the way you like it. Do you understand?"
It may not be a bad idea for you and your brother to sit down with your mother together and explain that the both of you are on the same page and in agreement about what you each will and will not do for her going forward.
A Magic Wand - or the *Elves* as gdaughter said - love that!
When faced with lack of reasoning, that's when talk of a Magic Wand (or Elves) may help. We'll just wave that wand & *ZING* the garden will be beautiful! Works for all sorts of other scenarios too.
Maybe you'll get a laugh... Maybe she will backdown & admit she doesn't WANT to pay (or whatever other issue it is) but knows she will HAVE to.
Sometimes it's hard to see WHY the lack of reason. Is it *refusal* ?
personality/ stubbornness? Or is it *inability*?
actual cognitive decline?
Bolliveb, you mentioned un-dx dementia? Is it just the garden, or way way more?