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Robin, your obligation is to your husband.

Your mom had a lifetime to plan for her old age. A child is not a retirement plan.
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Well then, mom loses.
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..."to have and to hold from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and health, until death do us part."

Did you make this vow to your mother??? What a selfish person. Goodbye mom!
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Oh my, sorry that you want me to make a choice mom, because you lose!

I hope that you stick to your guns and don't let her manipulate you into leaving your husband. She has some serious issues to even consider making you choose.
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Your husband.
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Of course the answer to that is, and must ALWAYS be, your husband. He is now your primary family. So that's a real easy one.
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"I don't like "Mom should have planned for old age" So many things happen in this life that statement is not even fair. My parents raised 4 kids on one living wage salary. Just at the time the last one graduated, my Dad went on disability. My Mom did very good with the money brought in, but there was nothing for savings."

I completely get that there are economic disasters that befall individual families. In 1925, my grandmother was left widowed with 4 children ranging in age from 2 (my mom) to 14 (her oldest brother). Oldest brother needed to drop out of HS to support the family. There was no safety net in those days.

This is why we have a social safety net in this country; it's called Medicare/Medicaid/Social Security. It's not perfect, but it's a damn sight better than it was in 1925. Mom needs to apply for help if she needs it; she has NO RIGHT to ask her children to give up their ability to earn for THEIR retirement to keep her at home.

This is what capitalism is all about folks...pay as you go. If you don't like this system, vote a new one in.
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Wow ….. When you marry, you become as one.
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“Mum, as you are needing more care and I cannot provide it, it is time to look into different options. I am happy to spend a couple house a week over the next month researching Assisted Living facilities. You will get the final choice on which one you will live in.”
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Why would you even have to consider this question? When you are married your husband should always be first and come first, unless of course he is abusive, or you are unhappy in your marriage and you are looking for a way out. If that is the case, then choose your mom. If not, then stand by your man and tell mom you've made your choice, and it's not her.

Your mom must have some underlying issues that she would even put you in this position. Stand strong and do what's best for you and your husband.
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