Her reason is that people will talk about her. She is all about appearances and believes people will talk about her behind her back if she is seen with a cane. She refuses to take pain medication because she has never been sick and takes pride in never having to take medication. She has fallen twice and is in constant pain, but we can't convince her to do even simple things because of her fear that "someone might find out". Please! Help!
I don't think my Mom will ever change... whenever her geriatric doctor tells Mom a medical problem has to do with aging, later Mom will say *she [the doctor] doesn't know what she is talking about *.... [sigh]. How I wished my parents would have kept their previous doctor, as whatever he said was golden and Mom would follow his advice.... if he said to stand in a corner for an hour, she probably would do it.
I know Mom wasn't crazy about Dad using his brand new rolling walker which has hand brakes, basket and seat... Dad was tickled pink with his new walker as he was having issues using just a cane. Oh gosh, what will the neighbors say if they see her husband using a walker outside.... I bet their neighbors would be saying *it's about time* !!
Like your mother, she won't listen to anything her new doc says. Her previous doctor retired because of Obamacare, and the practice hired a female doc who is around 50. I thought her old doc was a real quack, but she'd do anything he said, yet hates the new doc who seems very smart and is highly educated and respected.
As for walkers, we've tried to get her to agree to a new one with a basket and handbrakes, etc., but that would involve change, and she absolutely hates change.
just kiddin ya . i think it takes a scary fall or two to convince old timers to use a walker . rehab a few months ago had my 90 yr old aunt doing great walking with a walker but she blacked out and fell once and went right back to her wheelchair . she might be demented but she isnt a dummy by any means .
Tomorrow I take Mom back to get her hearing aid to be fitted, she is so upset that she can't get one that goes inside the ear so that no one would know she is using a hearing aid... I don't know about you all, but rarely if ever do I look at people's ears to see if they a hearing aid.... [sigh]
If she's afraid that "someone might find out" you can assure her that you're not going to tell if she won't and she can keep her secret by just not telling them about the pain meds. I found this sometimes works with my mom and it sometimes doesn't.
When my brother was little my harried mother had a hard time getting him ready for school. (He was #5 of 7.) "I can't wear those socks! People will laugh at me!" "They are just brown boys socks, like other second graders wear. What would they laugh at?" "I can't wear them! I can't! People will laugh at me!" (As an adult my brother was diagnosed as bi-polar.)
I feel sorry for people with this disorder. It has a touch of narcissism in that they believe that other people actually notice or care about their appearance. And it only hurts themselves. I know a lady who had to give up driving and refused to use a mobility scooter because other people would know she had an infirmity. She could have gotten around her small town just fine with the scooter, but she gave up that opportunity. My husband leaped at the chance to have a scooter when he could no longer drive. He had the independence of going for a haircut or ice cream cone or to the library. I am SO glad he didn't have this vanity disorder or our lives would really have had a poorer quality.
I don't have any advice for you, PamelaB, except to assure you this is a recognized psychological disorder and it is in no way a reflection of your caregiving skills! I feel sorry for your mom and for you, too. I imagine Mom has missed out on lots of things in her life because of the need to keep up appearances.
It's hard to do, but you have to let her follow her own instincts. Seeing someone you love in pain is upsetting, but if she won't take the pain relief there's not a lot you can do about it. You just have to assume that if/when the pain is bad enough then she, like any other sentient creature, will seek relief from it; so ipso facto if she won't take the meds the pain can't be bad enough.
The 'someone might find out' mantra is not rational so there's no point in arguing with it. It's a portmanteau way of her saying that it hurts her pride to back down from her lifelong habits. Again, it has to be up to her. If she wants to go anywhere, she'll have to use her walker (I wouldn't push the cane idea - they tend to unbalance you and are not great for that reason. Pairs of walking poles are better, if she won't even look at a walker, or a little trolley with a handy shelf for her things). The only other thing you could perhaps try is a brisk, no-nonsense Physical Therapist who won't give her any option for, say, half an hour at a time but to get up and walk with walking aids. It might just break her in to them and make them less terrible to her.
FF, I used to persuade my mother to carry her cane by reminding her that she could poke people with it if they annoyed her, tee-hee.
freqflyer do you have one of those long handled grabby things to reach high shelves?
Lately I have found people have been extraordinarily nice to me. I get doors held open, things reached off high shelves, an offer to put my things on the belt at the check out and one man stopped in the car park and lifted my containers of kitty litter into the car. Unbelievable and I don't even have to flutter my eyelashes!!!!!!
The manufacturer of items that are at eye level pay a *location premium* to have their products placed at eye level.... of course, if I go in the grocery store for my parents, the items Mom likes are usually on the top shelf where I can barely reach it, or on the bottom shelf where if it is a heavy can of peaches, I have trouble standing back up.... [sigh].
Not haveing eyelashes to flutter these days I just stand on my tip toes reaching up helplessly and another shopper quickly comes to my rescue. Lowes sells a really good strong grabber for about $20.
Back to PamelaB's original question. I wonder if taking a cane and using it one self would encourage the elder. "Her Mom hold my cane while I use the grabber to get the spaghetti sauce off the top shelf"
When I am in a grocery store, I always seem to time it when the independent/assistant living buses are in front of the store. Well, so much for finding another shopper taller than I am :P
Oh, I tried using a cane one time while taking my parents shopping.... they never noticed.... [sigh].