Mom refuses to take her antidepressant, has major memory issues and is now extremely suspicious of everyone. Advice?
She refuses to move to a home and is living in a 3 bedroom house alone and states she is not ready to move. She is 88 years of age and lost her 2nd husband 5 months ago. She is getting aggressive with all her siblings when offered assistance, never agrees with anything said to her, loses her belongings (purse, keys, papers, etc...) and accuses someone of stealing them. She is quite spunky but a small woman of 93 pounds and we all fear that she will fall or get hurt and no one will know unless someone goes to see her. (We all live in other cities leaving no one there with her). She is not friendly with the neighbors and has no friends that come to visit her. Resents the idea of someone coming in to assist her and will not go into a home. She is petrified to be alone at night and prays for her safety every night. Has stated that someone was standing at the bottom of her bed once and another time someone outside her window whistling. One sibling has been assigned to her financial records, etc. and was appointed executer for her affairs when the time comes, yet another sibling appears to be coaching Mom with bad thoughts about all of the other siblings (there are 6 children) and trying to get into her money already. Can we get someone to monitor her finances just as a C.Y.A. and so that if the "coach" should get her hands into Mom's affairs, it will be seen? So this is two pleas for help: getting Mom out of the house and financial monitoring!
I have family members who react to stressful decisions by slamming on the brakes and refusing to even try, you may have to learn ways to come at the problem gently and obliquely. I would start by not talking about the need to move, but rather where she would like to go "when she is ready". You might even arrange to tour a few places, stay for a complimentary meal etc. No pressure, just planning and reassurance. She is still adjusting to the loss of her husband and grieving, the thought of leaving their shared home may be overwhelming to her.
Try to set up a daily phone call, just a wellness check. Either make a schedule with the family or have one person as the main contact. She may agree to a personal alarm button such as Lifeline... there are many others.
As for the finances... the person handling her affairs needs to take steps to protect her assets, it can be as simple as moving money into investments that are not so readily available and keeping account numbers and statements away from the others.
I think it is time for you to step up to the plate and get advice from an elder care attorney, different from the one your siblings are using, especially if you are certain another is trying to get at her money.
Two suggestions. Install a remote monitoring system in her home. Then, you could monitor her actions all the time. You also would see who is coming into her home. If you can get online to see her accounts, then you can monitor them yourself. Try to consolidate her accounts into as few as possible. Perhaps your sibling who is handling her affairs will cooperate with you.
You could hire a local person to monitor her daily--just check-in for a short time to see if she is physically safe.
Do you have siblings who feel the same way you do? Then you might want to form a team or coalition to address your mother's problems. There is power in numbers.
Good luck. Do act while you have the chance. Your mother is very old, when compared to other elderly persons.
And while you're at it someone should be appointed in an Advanced Healthcare Directive. It's called other things but it's a person who makes medical decisions on behalf of your mom if she is unable to. This can be the same person who's the POA but it doesn't have to be.
Have you talked to your mom about a DNR (Do Not Resuscitate)? Has she signed one? What are her wishes? If your mom doesn't have one someone should at least be aware of what your mom wants at the end of her life.
As far as getting her into a nursing home are you close with any of your aunts or uncles? Can any of them talk to your mom about moving? Getting an elderly person to leave their home is very difficult and is a process. It's not going to be easy if it's possible at all. Sometimes people have to wait for an accident (like a fall) to get their loved one into a nursing home. It's unfortunate but once a person falls there are nurses and Dr.'s plus the family all telling the person that they aren't safe at home anymore and sometimes that kind of pressure is effective in getting someone like your mom placed in a nursing home.