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She insists that she takes her own baths and just took one, which of course she didn't. She cannot get out of the tub on her own. She will only bathe....has never taken a shower. I have tried everything. I have her tub set up with shower chair and removable shower head with hose.

You may need to hire a bathe aide to come in a few times a week. Not only do the experienced ones know the tricks of the trade in getting an uncooperative person to do what’s needed without a fight, it’s also often true that people will cooperate better for an aide than a family member. A CNA experienced with dementia patients looking for side work could be a great help to you both
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Reply to Daughterof1930
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We used to tell my very elderly Aunt with advanced dementia that she was going to the doctor that afternoon, or that someone she remembered was coming to visit. Eventually, even that ruse stopped working and we hired a neighbor who was already a PT caregiver to come in 2x a week to bath her. Sometimes my Aunt was cooperative and sometimes is took some cajoling.

https://www.agingcare.com/articles/how-to-help-with-bathing-and-personal-hygiene-top-tips-from-caregivers-212010.htm

It may need to be sponge baths for your Mom. It may also be time for her PoA to read the document to see what activates the authority -- if she has a PoA and they are already active in taking over management of her affairs.
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Reply to Geaton777
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You say that you've "tried everything" but have you actually tried just taking her hand and leading her into the bathroom and helped her get into the prepared bath, and then of course just wash her up yourself?
That way she'll feel safe and you'll know that she's actually clean because you cleaned her yourself.
I would have to help my late husband into his walk in shower, sit him down and then wash him up real good, and then again help him out and dry him off.
And yes I always got a little wet in doing so, but at least my husband got his needed showers and he felt safe with me right there.
And of course if you're not comfortable bathing your mom, you can always hire an aide to come at least twice a week to do so, and then use the extra large body wipes and waterless shampoo caps for the in-between.
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Reply to funkygrandma59
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cms4070 Dec 21, 2024
I am perfectly comfortable helping her bathe, which I have done many, many times, including lifting her out of the tub. She cannot get out by herself. She is not a big person so it manageable. Now she refuses every time. She says terrible things to me, and repeatedly insists that she takes baths on her own all the time. I have endured her wrath, foul language, orders for me to leave, pushing me and insulting me when I nicely talk with her about the importance of hygiene and explaining that she will feel much better when she is clean. She agrees and says that she took a bath yesterday or 2 days ago. I tried to convince her that a shower would be easier. I bought a shower chair, installed hand held shower, put my bathing suit on and got in and showed her. She told me to "take it away!" (the chair). I keep trying. Her daily caregivers offer to help her and she reluctantly let them help her with a bath a handful of times. But now she refuses. Because of her foul mouth and physical refusal, nobody pushes hard. The good news is she is still toileting herself and she takes sponge baths, just not thoroughly. She does not smell so I am thankful for that.
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Agree with others, and I do get what you're struggling with.
My aunt would fib that she sponge bathed. I knew it wasn't true because you smelled her.
When her neighbor would visit, she would want to sit and be social, and smelly.
Afterwards, I couldn't take it, and told her, I was getting her bath ready. She went to her room, shut the door, jumped in the bed, and threw the covers over her head. I don't believe I saw her spring so fast. She just wouldn't listen to me andwouldn'tlet me bathe her. Probably about three times I had luck.
So now my cousin has help coming, and since the help isn't family, I think the caregiver is having better luck than I did. Sometimes it takes an outsider that they'll listen to.
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Reply to Tiredniece23
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Same with my mom. “Everything” goes on a calendar on her fridge, including “bath days” Tues. & Fri.”, that way she knows it’s coming. I also bought a small space heater to heat that space 1st. That has made it easier. :-) I have to remind her of when she was an ER nurse and people would come in that had not bathed, in Lord knows how long, and how she had to endure the stench … I said, mom, you don’t want to be one of those people!
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Reply to DenaC1
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First off, find out what she's afraid of or what's bothering her about the shower?
Is she cold? Get a space heater.
Is the stream of water too forceful? Get a hand held unit she can control.
Is the shower floor slippery? Get her water shoes from Amazon. This was my mother's problem and once the water shoes were put on, she was fine.
One woman was scared of the mirrors and being seen naked in them. Cover up the mirrors with towels.
If you can figure out what the issue is and fix it, then set 2 days a week for showers and don't ask.....just say Lets Go Mom, Time To Shower. No choices. Tell her the doctor ordered daily showers if she insists she took one yesterday. Tough love, be firm but insistent yourself.

If all else fails, hire a bath aide whos EXPERIENCED giving showers to elders with dementia.

Good luck to you.
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Reply to lealonnie1
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You need to begin to take more of a role in her hygiene.
Chances are she also needs help toileting as well.
"Mom, I have your bath ready" Then you bring her into the bathroom and help her.
If you think about how many steps there are to getting a bath or shower ready then actually taking the bath or shower and "we" do it all without thinking of all the steps.
The alternate would be to hire someone to come in 2 or 3 days a week to give mom a bath or shower.
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Reply to Grandma1954
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cms4070 Dec 21, 2024
I do have a role in her bathing. She used to let me help her and occasionally she would let a caregiver. Now she refuses everyone. I have drawn a bath and told her it was ready. She became irate. I have helped her with baths many many times but she is/was proud and wants to wash herself. She was not thorough and does not use soap, so I would sneak in bubble bath and put soap on a cloth and wash her back and then continue to other parts...until she pushed me away. Now we can't get her to get in the tub at all. We keep trying to win her trust and find ways, but nobody pushes hard because she gets very upset and then the foul language and insults start. We keep doing what we can. She doesn't smell and takes sponge baths, but not often enough.
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Does she have Alzheimer’s or dementia? They will always refuse a bath or shower unfortunately. It’s always a struggle. It has to be a creative endeavor or just live through the squawking.
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Reply to Dementia153
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cms4070 Dec 21, 2024
She has dementia. Yes I try to be creative....it is a constant endeavor.
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cms4070, do you think your Mom would use baby-wipes. It's much better than not bathing at all. You should be able to find adult-wipes on-line. I remember when I was in the hospital, I got "warm" adult-wipes and it felt so good.
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Reply to freqflyer
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