This guilt is heavy. My mom recently moved into a nursing home. The ONLY thing she says she enjoys is visits from family. Which leaves a lot of empty time for her. When I offer books, puzzles, coloring etc she always says no, she doesn't enjoy that stuff. Then she'll say, "You know what I do enjoy? When you take me out and we go do stuff." ... Unfortunately, I cannot do that everyday so she just sits around with no purpose. Does anyone have any idea on how to help her? This makes me feel horrible and so drained. I give all I can to her but it isn't enough. When I visit for 2 hours, she asks me to stay longer. If I take her out she wants me to come back and stay longer even if we've been together all day. It is like a choke hold and it breaks my heart, makes me cry, makes me exhausted, and makes me feel so guilty all at the same time. I wish I could help her find a reason to enjoy each day outside of family visits... something to give her purpose. Any ideas would be greatly appreciated.
You say she "recently" moved in. It takes some people quite a while to settle in, especially if they are not particularly socially oriented. Don't give up! But set boundaries for your own involvement.
I used to visit my Mom twice a week and stay the whole afternoon with her plus I would phone her every day. I probably should have visited more but I found the visits emotionally draining. I have five other siblings, three who could have visited her more but didn't. If we had all done our share she would have had no time to be lonely but it was what it was...........
Do you have other siblings who could visit? I agree with the other responses.
Are there activities at the NH that she could participate In? Has she always been this way?
Of course, weekly schedule changes, monthly, too, but can always build an 8-week plan or 2-3 month plan and say this is my plan. But: the rub is: the buildup of her expecting you to arrive after not seeing your for a week or other, and then you don't show or wait to last minute to say can't make. That happens because plans change, but just seems like your take you out schedule could be once or twice a month maximum and then the other times listed as just going to come and spend 2 hours on-site. Seems like you have to balance the schedule of activities available at NH versus the times, so it provides enjoyment and rest away for the both of you, when needed. Hey, start with minimum and then surprises are always nice to add also. Hopefully some of the feedback sparked a new approach. Good luck!
I'm so sorry to hear how you feel. I know you are doing the best you can for your mom. I think we all struggle with guilt because we care so much.
Sometimes it feels like no matter what we do, we cannot win. I think you are doing more than most adult children. I know the guilt is heavy but please don't do this to yourself. You have a right to a life as well. I know finding a balance will be hard.
My grandmother never wanted to leave her house but was forced to at 90 due another dizzy spell. She too only wants her family. I tried to be the good granddaughter that visited her at least once a week. But I had to pull back because my father passed away and dealing with the grief has overwhelmed me.
I don't want this to sound harsh, but maybe consider pulling back on your visits. Let her adjust to her new environment. If she is physically ad mentally fit maybe she just needs to accept this new situation and try to make the best of it. But if she thinks you will always come to her rescue, she will be less likely to adapt. Just a short term thing to see how she copes.
I cut back on my visits and my grandmother is still doing well. When I am in a better state of mind, I will resume my visits.