Mom receives little ‘gifts’ from the well-known charity she donates to monthly. Ever hear of this?

Mom diagnosed with MCD in the hospital, was told no driving until passing driver’s eval/test and given a script to do so. Doc/hospital should have put through paperwork to the state to suspend license, correct?

Is it an answering machine? They will not work in a power outage. Or is it voicemail from the phone company?

"Our power went out for a while and know that Mom’s area goes out frequently, "

Can mom even answer the phone with the power out?. If a cell phone they would ring, but not a portable phone that has a base station wired to a land line. So many people have gotten rid of land lines. I am one.

Katsmihur: You're very welcome. Good luck and prayers.

Final thoughts - from what you described about the doc appts, it doesn't sound like they did much for you. In some cases, you need doctor documentation to determine competence (we of course see the LO often, so WE know better, they don't!)

If they haven't given you what you need, would it be possible to find another doctor? Although mom might be "doctored out", perhaps if she fails the driving eval you could use a new doc as an excuse to work around this? Just thinking on the fly here, which is something we often have to do when dealing with dementia (and idiots!)

The person who summed it all up for us (more for bro than me, I was already aware enough) was the nurse sent by the aide company we were considering to test mom. It was clear to her that mom had dementia and suggested we get a locked timed pill dispenser. This was covered by Medicare BTW, as were some follow up visits. This might be doable after the eval - call it a follow up eval!

A response you got from some attorney bothers me - he didn't suggest making a will change with mom? Telling you to call them and say you are POA doesn't do squat. She might be competent enough in an attorney's eyes to sign a simple change to the will, which would make it the most recent and override anything those scumbags might have done. I would ask him/her if this could be done - if they say no because she isn't competent, try someone else. At the least that atty could have offered to contact the charity with a cease and desist letter or call... Isn't this why they get the big bucks?

"Mom told me I wasn’t welcome to go back with her and the doc, but could after she spoke to him. [Almost lost it right then and there.] By the time I was ushered back, it was clear there had been a love fest going on because, according to the doc, she’s such a ‘lovely woman’. Ugh, yeah, to strangers. To me - not so much."

Slight variation in the theme! Last time we saw her regular doc (been a while, but I think I requested they eval/write a letter), she was okay with me being in the room. When the tech came in to run some tests, she got all nasty and I finally exited the room. Doc happened to be outside at the nurse station, and saw this bothered me, so he chatted with me. He did say he would provide the letter I needed (mainly for her pension, which was dad's and is federal, so special hoops and hurdles to negotiate - POAs NFG.) Nine months and many portal messages later, no letter. Calling was a joke - you'd either get in an endless menu loop or voicemail. They would ask for POA doc - I already SENT that to you! Then they wanted to know what was needed in the letter and to see the request - now that I type this, yes, I HAD sent this to them to ask for it and that's why the appt was set up!! You HAVE the damn letter and what is needed in the papers I sent MONTHS ago, but here they are again, attached to my reply. Still nothing. Funny it has been YEARS now (3) and I was getting emails and calls about her portal, needing to come in, etc. I called the "help" desk, after getting the PW and username reset because I didn't have it documented anymore and had them disable the thing!

At that point, we were on the cusp of "the move", which was not close to that doc and we took her to mine. THAT was not fun - doc made the mistake of saying 'It's not safe for you to live alone.' We're lucky WWIII didn't happen!!

It still took several more letters to get the right magic words! Her pension and SS are direct deposit, YB and I are POA and are on the account, but in order to change either address, the hurdles had to be cleared for both! I needed the address for documents, like tax statements, to be changed and phone access if changes were needed. Eventually we were going to rent or sell the place and federal mail can't be forwarded. MC is fully deductible, so I needed to change her withholding to no tax status (cost is covered by pension, SS and monthly trust deposits, so it exceeds her regular income!)

I am hoping you have the POAs set up and can take over the finances for her and block the charity's access to her or at least her money and home/assets. If she insists on "managing" her account, get her phony checks online and phony stamps to mail her "payments." It would be amusing to see what they would do with her funny money checks! If no POA, EC atty might be able to assist you. In the meantime, call the local SS office and set up an appointment to become rep payee. It will require a special account that only you can access, but it would keep everyone's mitts off mom's money! WARNING - when you apply, notice will be sent to you AND to her. If you can temporarily forward her mail to a PO box or have it held for you to pickup, she doesn't really need to see this - it'll just open a can of worms you don't need! Mom's did go to the MC facility, but after handing her a bill from OmniCare (which we didn't ask for their meds!!!) she got really upset, so they didn't give her any mail after that.

If you have access to mom's account, have her mail temp forwarded to you and contact all the billing companies and have just the billing address changed to your address. Leave her name and service address as is. Then use the bill payer system to add them all and pay her bills that way. If she doesn't get any bills in the mail, she will likely forget about them. Most don't care where the bills go, so long as they get paid. Some use auto-pay, I prefer to "manage" it myself.

It is hard, but it usually gets easier with use and practice. No. No. No. No. I was lucky that brother took the keys and did the suggested disabling, then I could honestly say I didn't touch the keys or the car. Wasn't about to say either was my idea! But, clearly your mom has dementia at some level. YB sat in front of her and did all the talking. I stood in the background and said NOTHING. But, next day and day after, who gets the phone calls? ME! But, it worked out well that I could pass the buck (didn't say who, what, when, where or how, just said 'twasnt me!) She actually did ask me who took the key when I said I didn't touch it. My reply was 'You're so smart, you figure it out!' and then hung up the phone. Must've taken a long time to find that second key, as the next call didn't come until the next morning (she already had stopped driving at night, so if she found it late, she wouldn't try to drive until the next morning.)

You have the doc note/order for eval - blame gets laid on him, you are just following doctor's orders mom! If you have a date set, you drive there and hope the test isn't on the road! Get copies of anything that says she isn't allowed to drive and make copies. You'll be having to leave a copy with her often, as a reminder, every time she brings up the car. If she's that much like my mother, she'll throw it away!

Katsmihur: For some reason, I am just now seeing your October post. I read your update to disgusted and am very sorry that not much has changed for the better. Prayers sent to you tonight.💞

Not sure why I haven't seen the updates until the latest post showed up today, but...

I noted how some of your mom's behaviors were similar to my mother's. This one brought back memories too:

"She drove through a huge pot hole, blowing out the tire and driving on the rim to get to her restaurant (instead of pulling over immediately)."

After a call telling me she had a flat tire, I brought my portable pump to fill it and see if it needed a plug or something. I get there and stood for several minutes marveling over the tire, split open from the rim to the ground, the metal trim around the wheel well pulled half off and bent. I got AAA to remove it and put the spare on and my mechanic said the rim was ruined, so who knows how far she drove on that or what she hit!

Typical answer would be "it was fine when she was driving it." That's when I consulted with YB and said it's time to take this tank away (8 cylinder Grand Marquis - typical old people car!) Previously we found the back of the driver side mirror was gone (there last time I drove it!), expired inspection sticker and white stripes on both front fenders, from "brushing" the garage door trim. He did all the talking and took the key, and I had him disable the car as I knew she had another key. Sure enough, next day I get a call demanding her key back, which I never touched and told her so. Second day I get a nastier call demanding I get down there and fix what I did to her car (clearly she found that key!), to which I could honestly reply that I didn't touch her car. She moaned and whined about it for a long time, but eventually that morphed into the worst decision she made was to give up her 'wheels.' Believe whatever you want mom, so long as I don't get the blame!!!

Hoping you get all you need to step in and take over. If she is currently only writing checks and you can remove access, that will stop the donations!

IF at all possible have your/her lawyer determine if she is competent enough to update her will, even if it is just to add a few words, no real changes - if there is a new one on file, any will this >ahem< charity might have conned her into signing would be null and void as the newer one would take precedence. Don't tell them you are doing this!!

As for lighting and cameras, can hubby not install them when she is not home (aka you take her to appointment, he installs?) If she notices, tell her the "friends" at the charity must have done it!!! :-D

My philosophy, I only donate to local charities. I do nothing over the phone. I don't do Go Fund Me either. So, hopefully this carries over if I ever suffer from Dementia.

If you can, block all numbers on Moms phone that have nothing to do with family. If ur Moms POA, you could have asked them to stop the calls, the mailings and the visits. If they don't u will go to the FCC to start.

These Charities are getting out of hand. This includes Churches. Check Moms Credit Cards and see if money is being taken out automatically. If you have POA u need to get the doctor to declare her incompetent to handle her affairs. Then call her CC companies and have her accts frozen. Her bank accts only you can sign as POA.

I would be concerned that this group is trying to get her to bequeath her estate to them, and is manipulating the poor old soul. I would suggest you calling the Executive Director, in person and setting up an in person meeting to confront them as to what they are up to.

Robin, yes - Jennifer!

Responded to your message now. Will check my profile for messages . . . TY for letting me know there was one from you hanging out there!

Katsmihur: Thank you for the shocking update - especially about mom damaging her auto! Yikes!

Thanks for sharing the name of the charity.   I'm assuming you read the article I citied sometime earlier about the two St. Jude organizations, especially the one dedicated solely to fundraising?

It's unfortunate that it's developed this way; I think the organization used to be quite helpful at one time.  It may still be, but the aggressiveness of the fundraising organization is offensive.

Did the rep happen to mention how being good stewards of funds received allows them to pay exorbitant salaries?  


On the issue of the darkness, can you arrange to have motion activated lights installed?  

It's always something, isn't it?  Just when you think life has settled down, something else happens.

FINALLY spoke to St. Jude’s Gift Planner today.

Explained that between friends my age who have elderly parents, an online group and a local caregiver’s group I attend, NO ONE has ever experienced personal visits to their home by a charity. Her response? Said she’d take that statement as a compliment, as it sets them apart!! She explained St. Judes strives to keep their donors updated on the charity’s activities and strives to be good stewards of donations received.

She said in the couple of visits she’s had with Mom, there was never any paperwork signed (even though I was told by St. Judes in Memphis that this is one scenario why Gift Planners make personal visits).

At the last visit, she said Mom was very organized, had questions and, because of that, she was able to lighten the mail being directed to Mom. Isn’t that so very nice?!?!?!

Told her numerous times that Mom’s monthly donations are enough, and that I don’t want to believe ALSAC (St. Jude’s organization dedicated to raising funds) is taking advantage of Mom.

I’ll be adding these examples of bad decision-making on Mom’s part as she lets these reps into her home in my third letter to her PCP.

Another item will be a definite change in perception while driving. She drove through a huge pot hole, blowing out the tire and driving on the rim to get to her restaurant (instead of pulling over immediately). She travels this road 3+ times a week and knows it’s been under construction for almost a year now. But yet she drove normal speed, didn’t see It and drove right into it. She spent 7 hours waiting for emergency repair, then a tow truck (that took her car to THEIR garage that night for delivery to the dealer the NEXT day). Dealer is literally blocks away . . . So Mom will pay a storage fee, I’m sure. Didn’t ask restaurant manager to call me to get her to take her home, but a waitstaff person took her. Great, so now another stranger has taken her home, has seen how dark her property is because outside lights NOT on, has seen her fumble for 5 minutes in the car just looking for her house keys . .

The fact that you cannot get answers to the phone calls and are playing phone-tag are also some red lights flashing. In the end, even if you make contact with this person, she can refuse to give you ANY info, because your POA (if you have one) has not been activated yet, so basically it is none of your business, as sad as that sounds.

I still would like you to name this "charity", so that others on this forum can be made aware of the danger involved here. Sure, she may need to change her will to do a legacy, but she lives alone, there is no camera, and you have NO idea whether they have brought an attorney to re-do her will or not! They could do that!

You said:
"Mom repeats herself, literally asking me the same thing from a minute ago, or re-confirms a conversation, again (because she has a hearing problem that she says she doesn’t have, lol).

She has not always been THIS head strong. A bit hard headed and always a closed mind to other alternatives and concepts, but so much more exacerbated in the past few years. I believe some dementia at play, as well."

It does indeed sound like early dementia. Poor decisions, blaming others, repeating statements/questions AND being hard headed, esp if it has increased AND directed more at you than others. These are subtle changes and just how our mom was in the early stage.

Regular PCPs could miss these "signs" and as noted, the test they give in a PCP office is not very thorough. It *might* show early signs, but not always - sometimes people can work around these simple tests. Somehow the changes you note must be highlighted to the doctor, esp since this will be a new one, who knows nothing about your mom. (we had changed PCPs and despite mom living in MC for over TWO years, they still attempted to give her the test! Between the hearing loss, exacerbated by the hearing aid going through the laundry, and dementia, what a joke!)

IF you can get any bad info about the "charity" and mom's involvement, the only way you might be able to undo anything that has been done is to get her diagnosed with dementia, activate POA AND consult with an EC attorney! They could claim she wasn't impaired at the time(s) she agreed to anything... BUT, I would, going forward, do what you can to get control of the situation before it gets any worse.

UPDATE: Still no answer when calling two phone numbers I was given. Called charity’s ORGANIZATION that employs these Gift Planners, and was promised a phone call back. That did happen, however, I wasn’t around my phone, and was left a message with her name, title and cell phone. I called her cell, left a message I was returning her call about Gift Planning. No return call from Monday.

Katsmihur, yes, she would have to change her Will to add a Legacy provision, easily done by an attorney who can prepare a Codicil which adds, changes, modifies or deletes a provision, but affirms that all other terms remain intact. 

I've received sample legacy donations from charities, a very strong "hint" that I include them in my estate plan.   They're not even shy about it.   Nor do they address me specifically; they're just standardized "give us money!" legacy requests.

Would it be impertinent to ask the name of this "charity"? They sound very shady and it might be useful to some others on the forum. Thankfully only the junk mail has followed the forwarded address, no visits or calls (although I still get TONS of junk calls, they are unrelated to mom, just plain old FN annoying robo-calls and I just ignore/dismiss the calls.)

Rather than calling them to stop the practice (they can claim she has agreed to it and won't stop), I would find out what I could about them (scam artists? preying on elderly?) and perhaps involve the police or attorney general. "Legacy" giving could wipe out someone's savings/home. While your mom might not have much of anything to leave, this should still be stopped. The only funny thing would be if she left the house with reverse MTG and it wasn't worth a dime to them! However, she could be signing off on any number of things or having items stolen or more money being drained from her.

I also posted comments to other comments - install that camera while she is out. Don't ask permission, just do it. If you insist on talking with this charity, you could let them know that they are on camera and that you are notifying the police... Might make them think twice.

For the new doctor, I would request a face-to-face visit before her actual appt. He/she needs to understand that there is likely some dementia going on. The "mini" exam they do isn't really worth much - later stages of dementia, sure, but not early stages, and early stages are when some elders really get ripped off! Head strong, sure. But YOU know your mother better than any doctor ever will. Was this type of behavior normal before (not the head strong, probably long time)? While she may be head strong with you, clearly she isn't with these people! I often wonder now if someone scammed mom out of her wedding diamond (even possibly one of the aides we had hired.) She was wearing some odd ring instead, but when I asked about the rings, she didn't really have an answer. I think that ring is gone now too. I did try to check for the diamond when we packed up her condo - didn't see it and haven't had time to fine comb through all the "jewelry." I would also call my mother "head strong", even NOW after living in MC almost THREE years!

Early dementia is very sneaky and hard to detect unless you spend enough time together. In retrospect, there were some very early signs that we likely missed, since she lived alone. Once we took the car away, more was revealed (not really cooking, relying on boxed crap and frozen dinners, found tons of chicken frozen and shriveled up veggies in the fridge!) Repeating herself was another clear sign. Digging out old papers and misunderstanding what they were... By then it was obvious. But, before I became aware, it is likely that she could have been taken for a ride by people like this.

P.S. What you call "head strong" could just be part of dementia. Mom was ADAMANT that she was fine, independent and could cook (not) AND stated emphatically (read nastily) that she was old and entitled to forget things now and then (now and then mom???? like 2 minutes ago????)

My mom also received “visits” from a rep for probably the largest charity in the US. I questioned the rep and she said they did regular visits to their donors checking to see how they are, bringing gifts from the “kids”, asking if they were receiving too much mail from the charity, etc. The rep left me a message asking if my mother was ok because she saw a leaf buildup outside her door and wondered if she still lived in the house. Oddly enough, at the time I was actually contributing much more money to this charity and was never visited (go figure).
This was not a scam, I believe they were trying to groom my mother so she would leave them money in her will.

I'm sort of amazed you haven't put a stop to this. If not by persuading your mother to end the visits and donations, then by contacting the local police, Protective Services, and the group sending the rep. This could be downright dangerous for your mom and well as for her finances. Please take action asap.

My experience is if you send a donation to a charity - just one time - you are on their list and you receive a continual stream of gifts in the mail like calendars, personalized notepaper, greeting cards with envelopes, day books, and of course printed address labels and seals. Plus you are promoted to Team Captain for your town's annual fund drive (which happens monthly), and furthermore, your name and address is picked up by every other charity, even ones you didn't know existed, and you get the same sort of mailings from them also. And you never have to send any of them any contribution for all that largess, nor fill out forms. In my experience nobody comes calling with this stuff. So there it is...

I would also contact the local police. There may be a non-solicitation ordinance that requires people to register with the police if they are knocking on doors. I'd contact the 'charity' (in writing) and inform them that you are taking all possible steps to let people know of their questionable tactics. Maybe you could arrange to be there when the person visits? Or have a neighbor there? I think your mom may be being set up for a big financial hit.

It's a common practice for some charities to send inexpensive token gifts to their donors. I think there are very few to none, who donate with the actual intention of receiving a gift.
However, elderly people can misunderstand, sometimes, what an organization is offering. My mother, in her upper 80's, living in a nursing home, still received junk mail, from which she was convinced she had won a million dollars. The written material said "You MAY have already won a million dollars if you entered last weeks "sweepstakes".
The family tried to point out to her that actually no promise had been made to her. She never quite accepted that, but finally decided that the organization must have discovered she was an old woman in a nursing home and awarded the prize to someone else.

Something is majorly amiss with a rep coming to the house.
#1 Is the rep "casing" the home?
#2 That's a target for potential criminal activity.
#3 If one gives to organizations like St. Jude's, the free "gifts" one receives are of nominal value - note paper, address labels, etc.
#4 This must be a scam.

I see scam written all over it. Call the charity places to see and let them know and let police know

When I do get a call asking for donations, I tell them thar
this year we are giving only to the church,
on unwanted gifts, we take them and if useful will keep, no keeper they go into the trash No donations.
wife was giving to many, Since I started picking up the mail, she does not donate to anyone. Was getting an average of five request per day.

I haven't heard of a "charity" sending a rep to visit, but they certainly do send the gifts. My mother has about 25 dreamcatchers, hundreds of greeting cards (some of which have been useful), some throws, bags, more than a dozen oversize calculators, and dozens of ballpoint pens from charities. She gave to a lot of charities pre-Alzheimer's, and a few more post-. Check her checking acct; she may be doing automatic monthly donations. She may be doing them via credit card also. Then ignore the phone calls. Anything that shows up on caller id as unknown or an 800, 866, or other toll-free call is someone who wants money. After more than a year, the mail is slowing down, but the calls keep coming.

We finally in her early stages of dementia -- took away her purse-- wallet, ID, military ID, Soc-Sec card, Medicare card, and especially her checkbook--- they all still fish at my address-- good ol' amesty international. We do support local charities her in Southern Indiana in her name. She has been in hospice since January.

Many charities try to entice more donations from those who give to the charity by providing the donors with small "gifts". The gifts are the responsibility of the charity and must be paid for by them. No donor is legally obligated to pay for that gift with another donation. It is a guilt plea - another way to make money. Either pass the "gifts" on to someone who can use them or toss them but you decide if you want to make a donation.