Mom not enjoying Assisted Living, wants OUT. Any thoughts?

Upstream, as I've said many times to many people on this board, as long as the hospitals, EMTs, social workers and doctors see that someone is "showing up" they won't step in.

Your mother needs help. She can't get it until you let her fail. You need to step waaaaay back.

If you don't want to/can't move, then I think you need to come clean to DH and tell him that you will no longer entertain any of your mother's antics.

Are you in contact with your mom's doctor (the sweet one who is prescribing her benzos?)

Send that person a bulleted letter (send return receipt requested) outlining your mother's addictions. Add the fact that you are no longer taking any responsibility for her actions.

Yes, she passed a dementia screening test. My mother passed them up until about 3 months before her death. Your mother's MEMORY is fine. Her reasoning skills are not. A neuropsych exam would probably show that, but good luck with anyone pressing for that.

Mom is competent and needs NO HELP. Just write that in large, friendly letters on your refrigerator and move on.

CM; Upstream's husband has told her categorically that if her mother returns home and starts drinking again, he will leave. She is trying to conceal her mother's behavior from HIM not from APS or anyone else that I can tell.

Frankly, I think they should BOTH move house; it may be the only way to get away from an emotional vampire like this.

Then DON'T "hide her behaviour to the best of your ability." Shine a light on it.

Upstream, that is the ONLY way to manage. We are here for you!

Upstream WE are not entering withdrawal. Stop owning her problems.

Your parent, who has been deemed competent is entering withdrawal.

"What is your plan, mom?"

"That's interesting news"

I would not do a d@mn thing except call APS.

If she managed to move back home by herself, she can figure this out.

Upstream. Are you telling me that your mother managed transport, removals and the termination of her contract with the ALF unassisted? If so, impressive.

Yes it is advisable to contact APS. It is also highly advisable not to conceal her behaviours, because you are merely delaying their becoming apparent to the point where they are so catastrophic you cannot conceal them.

You agree, do you, that your mother should not be living in her home?

Upstream, you DEFINITELY need not to keep this to yourself. Call APS to report each and every incident.

You're sure it's drinking and not a stroke or something, are you?

Upstream's mom lives 3 door down from her. The mom has moved back into her own home, but the proximity to Up's home means that when falls and accidents happen, mother calls Up and her DH.

Uupstream, I wrote this November 23, 2019. Still applies: Upstream, I've been away all day and am just getting to reply now.

You are not damaged goods. You are grieving. Your mother is an addict and if you keep propping her up, she will have no reason to change her behavior.

You need to go to Al-Anon. You need to detach from mom and call APS and report her as a vulnerable adult. She is not going to get the right help if you keep bailing her out.

It's called detaching with love.
(((((Hugs))))))

Don't hide things, Upstream. When (and it's when, not if) they come to light, the concealment makes everything ten times worse.

Your mother has moved back into *her* home or *your* home? Why will her doing so cause your DH to move out?

Upstream, I forget. Do you have POA? If you do, I would resign it.

Have you called APS to report that mom is a vulnerable adult?

Follow up from original poster: The Facility did wonders for my mom. Physical therapy, occupational therapy, you name it. So good, in fact, it gave her the confidence to move back into her home two months ago. I could not legally keep her from moving and I could not sell her house without her consent. It has become apparent in the last 48 hours now that she is drinking again and mis-managing her medications. My husband told me if she moved home and started drinking again, he will move out. I am keeping things to myself now and will hide her behavior to the best of my ability. I am an only child and my husband is my only family now (I don't consider my mom family anymore, just some kook that I am stuck with).

Upstream,
First of all let me say I'm so sorry for all you have been through. But know that there are thousands more like you. My best friend's mom lived to be 101, and my friend was an adopted only child. While her mom did not have dementia until the last few years, she was known to say cutting, hurtful, and guilt producing comments. My friend used to jokingly say she was living that long just to spite her! We would laugh and knew, of course, that wasn't true. My friend's husband had died when they were in their early fifties. She raised two beautiful daughters by herself and took care of both parents. She took her mom to the beauty salon every week, to church on Sunday, made sure she went on outings from her assisted living facility, and frequently took her to dinner.
It was not easy. I didn't realize how much work it could be until my husband was diagnosed with dementia at age 76. I am 9 years younger. I sold our big family house and moved into a rental house. I soon realized that was not going to work and moved both of us into an assisted living facility in our neighborhood. That's when things started getting rough. My husband, a former doctor, started dressing inappropriately, rummaging in cabinets, trying to go out the door, getting aggressive, and needing someone to help dress and shower him. That first facility was beautiful and expensive. But the care we received was neglectful and abusive. The food was awful, and the management was totally insensitive. So we moved into another facility. We went from the frying pan to the fire. And my husband's behavior got worse. The doctors kept upping his meds for control, and he kept getting worse. Finally, I took him off the meds myself (gradually), and started giving him CBD drops. We moved to another beautiful facility because the care and food were so bad. We learned later that the second facility's director was fired for embezzling $8,000. The bookkeeper was doing drugs every day, and the maintenance guy is now in prison for raping a child. The third facility seemed promising. Beautiful landscaping, architecture, and lovely rooms with a fridge that had a icemaker, a real treat! But we soon learned how bad it could be. Pendants go answered for 40 minutes, or not at all. The food is awful, and many times cold. We have to wait in the dining room for 45 minutes to an hour routinely. Many of the staff are surly, don't show up for shower help, and are in hurry to get home. They are underpaid and under staffed. The management is totally insensitive. Many of the residents have complained, but nothing ever changes. I do not have dementia like almost everyone else here, so I see and hear and can report. The poor people who have been left here with no family to visit or anyone to be kind to them are unable to report things themselves. And if they do, the response is, "Oh, don't pay attention to them. They are crazy.

My point in this long story is this: Somewhere deep down, you love your mom, and she loves you. Dementia causes people to say and do things they would not normally do. And it can start even before the disease has been formally diagnosed. These facilities are all horrible. They give you a big marketing BS speel and tell you to "let your loved one get adjusted." Then, they can do whatever they want to with care. If you're not around, you don't know about it. Please go on the internet and search for AJC-Unproctected. It's a series of articles written by 2 reporters who investigated every facility in the state for a year. They have now created a data base that allows the public to search any facility in the state to see the violations they have had as well as other information.
Please, do not give up on your mom! She needs you. She may say hurtful things to you. She doesn't know what she's saying. Her comments about your dad confirm that. I know it's a terrible burden on you. But find it in your heart to visit her.

My husband has Alzheimers and is in LTC. Whenever I visit him he demands to come home. The nurse told me a couple of days ago he is very happy when I am not around. Remember when you took your child to nursery school and they cried when you left them? But then they were perfectly happy a short while later.

Make sure you are her POA and she'll have no choice but to do what you say. Don't feel guilty, she made her bed and you've been sleeping in it long enough (metaphorically speaking}. Leave her there and visit when you can but live your life or you'll be in her shoes in a few yrs. (no friends ect...} Not to worry. As grown children we can only do so much but we have lives to live also. I gave up 5 yrs. already for my family and now I'm starting to take my life back and I don't feel guilty. I FEEL FREE !!! I pray you make good decisions for all concerned.
God's blessing to you

If she is falling with any regularity, she may be ineligible to stay in Assisted Living. In our state, every fall while in AL must be reported to the state and once a certain number is exceeded (say 6,) then the person is no longer eligible for assisted living.

I'd tell your mother that she is in the best place possible for her right now. That her health issues and needs exceed what you can provide at home, so that is no longer an option. Ever. Period. No debate possible. Also, tell her that if she doesn't get with the program in AL, the next step will be a nursing home and she will like that a whole lot less. Sounds like some tough love realism is overdue. And don't feel "guilty" about it. You were not born to provide long term slave labor for your parents.

I’m having similar issues with my mom in AL, she was very obstinate about leaving her home of 40 years to move to a facility. She was experiencing noticeable cognitive decline and doctors deemed her no longer should be living on her own. The big problem mom feels she’s good and you can’t convince her otherwise. Too lessen frustration for both of us I try not to argue with her about why she had to leave her home.
Now she’s in a facility where she’s being cared for, and her needs are being met for one expensive price. She’s acting rebellious. She lies and twists situations at the facility. At Christmas, mom came in talking about about being deprived of food for 2 days as punishment, although she’s gained several pounds since being in home. She pretty much demanded we get her out, or she was going to find a way out. I’m meeting this afternoon with the head caretaker to discuss mom’s situation, since they too are frustrated with mom’s rude behavior with staff and other residents.
As upset as I know my mother is with her new environment, she is in no way capable of living on her own. It’s hard to hear her complain about not being free to live her life as she thinks she can. The best I can do for her, is make sure she is in a good facility where she’s well looked after and safe. I am continuing to look for the right placement that will fit her needs and meets our budget, but until then she stays put.

I've been very fortunate with a similar situation. I had to take Guardianship of my mother after she gave away over $80000 to a scammer overseas that she thinks is in love with her. She was diagnosed with Frontal Lobe Dementia and Delusional Disorder. Even after taking Guardianship and shutting down all of her accounts, she managed to sell about 90% of the furniture in her house to send more money to the scammers. I finally had to go to court and relinquish my Guardianship to the County Department of Social Services. It was the smartest thing I have ever done. They quickly got her placed in Assisted Living (against her will obviously), and are now in the process of getting her house and car sold. I don't have to deal with any of it, just have to figure out how to calm her down in Assisted Living now. Hopefully this helps.

I was thinking today about 'cultural norms' and how utterly ridiculous some of them are. My grandfather was from Italy. He wore a felt fedora hat every day for decades. If one of his children got a cut and was bleeding, his cure was to remove his hat, take a razor blade out of his pocket, and proceed to scrape some filthy felt off of the hat and INTO the bleeding wound on the child's skin. I wonder how many times the children had to seek real medical attention for their father's 'cultural cure all'.

Going against doctor's advice is never a recommendation, no matter WHAT culture a person is from. It's common sense, which seems to have left the house with some of these comments.

You've been on this site long enough to know that we get the kooks who insist we all follow their rules about caring for our parents! Don't let their stupid comments feed into the crap your mother gives you too! No guilt. Sometimes I wonder what color the sky is where they live! Clearly it is all rosy. They only see things through their own eyes and judge everyone else based on their own experience. Dealing with ANY LO, whether they have dementia, medical issues, substance abuse, depression, whatever, is unique to each person's situation and capabilities. Several of those negative posts are about dementia, so they haven't even read what the issue is, they just ASSUME and throw all kinds of guilt around!

You have done all that you can and then some. As the saying goes, you can lead a horse to water... In your case, it is more like a donkey and the donkey refuses to even go along or drink water!!!

As for ensuring mom stays put, and to put the kibosh on her blaming you, have something in writing from the doctor, so you can say the decision is out of your hands. I would also seek legal consult to see if it would be possible to get guardianship (her assets should cover this, not yours.) Not that you need more work, but sometimes just having POAs is not enough. Both our attorney and the staff in mom's MC indicate that even those with dementia still have "rights!" She does not have dementia (to the best we know!) and so technically she *could* demand/try to get out and return home. If you could get guardianship, it would override what she wants. If legal advise against it, so be it, but given her self-destructive nature, it might be possible to have more control than with POAs*(from reading some posts Babs75 has made, guardianship doesn't necessarily end up being 100% oversight, but it might be better if it was - but, still blame the docs!)

*Although you have POA, you would still have to get mom's signature on paperwork to sell the house. Our mother has dementia, and although I could use my POA to sign all the other documents related to the sale of her condo, her attorney told me she *MUST* sign the deed with notary. Thankfully they have a notary in her facility AND she told me when asked that she only had to witness the signing, not confirm mom knew what it was! I passed it off as some kind of insurance or something. We really needed to sell it. It took over a year and a half to get it cleaned out and fixed up (heating system died, windows were going foggy from blown seals, and taxes/condo fees in addition to utilities were sucking down too much money - oh yeah, we had to find alternate insurance as normal homeowner's does not cover unoccupied houses!) In all that time, it cost about 14k to cover the expenses/repairs!!!

Sorry you are going through this. The Hospital Directors were clear that she is no longer safe to live at home. You made the right decision and your Mother is manipulating you and making unreasonable demands. Do not feel guilty as you have done what is best for her and her safety....and yours. Let a Doctor or one of the Hospital Directors play the bad guy. You.....Live your life. Good luck to you.

No way! She is lucky to have you be so good to her. She is not going to like anything or anyplace to live because she is nuts. Leave her there and maybe she will get used to it. Stay away for awhile so she can't complain to you. You have made excellent arrangements for her. You have done the best for her.

No, absolutely NOT a good idea for her to live with you. How on earth could it even work with you working 6 to 7 days a week? You need to take care of you, else there may be no you.

Just remember if you don't take care of yourself first you can't take care of anyone. This is the bottom line.

A year before I ultimately moved in with my mom in the family home (I was widowed/divorced at 59 1/2), mom had broken her hip, had surgery, and had to go into a rehab joint for about 2 months. Two of us daughters, working and raising kids, stopped in daily for an hour or two (while at her house bringing in mail, writing checks for utilities, etc, caring for her animals - including staying there as often as possible, for the animals). I have to tell you guys, I found the rehab place REALLY depressing. After I'd moved back home, mom's second broken hip, she 'got' to come back to her home since I was there. My eyes are now WIDE open, so at least I'm preparing emotionally and spiritually that AL and/or some form of institutional setting WILL be in my (single/no kids) future.

You may need to remind her that her doctors will not let her be at home alone. Also remind her that they would only release her to a residential facility and she needed to go there directly via medical transport. It was, and is, a medical necessity. She appears to have problems with depression, balance, and substance misuse. Of course, she is not happy about "having others manage her life" but she needs a place that makes sure she is safe and can be healthy. Unfortunately, being home alone will not be an option. Don't let her manipulate you; stick with facts from the medical authorities.

First, a reality check. Does mom have enough money to go back to her own home with 24-hour companionship/care? If so, help her find an agency and send her on home.
Your mother can't control you unless you let her. Stop enabling. It sounds impossible, I know, but give yourself a stern talking-to. Decide how much of your time you are willing to devote to her wants and needs and stick to it. DO NOT let her plans include you as a hands-on, on-demand, caregiver. Be very firm that you are unavailable. Tell some therapeutic lies if you have to. "My job has changed and I won't be available" or "I will likely have to start traveling more."

She has the "right" to do whatever she wants, however she cannot dictate what you must do for her. As she talks about her plans, keep reminder her of that. Good luck.

The doctor said she wasn’t safe in her previous home. She has some cognitive decline so don’t expect her to think rationally. It’s pretty common for a parent to complain about their ALF to family or close friends. Not necessarily because there is a problem but because it gets attention. You made the right decision for her.

Mom stays where she is. This transition period is just that, a transition. And guess what, she's not enjoying the transition. And her husband just died. And she's not in her house. She's angry and frightened and uncomfortable. Nothing you do right now can change that. Just time.
However, right now you have to change your attitude. Your parents have not ruined your life. Never repeat that phrase again, ever. They just got old, that's all. It's no one's fault. It's the natural progression of life.
You are a great daughter. You got the VIP AL and have been taking care of everything.
Decide to visit your mom regularly, maybe once a week. On those visits, do something nice or fun. If she's mobile, go out to lunch. If not, find an activity at the AL.
You can stop feeling guilty right now. You followed doctor's orders and that's what you can tell her.
No, she can't move back home, but you can bring items to her apartment.
Going to see a therapist pronto is the best thing you can do for yourself.
Focus on yourself, your mom is getting the VIP treatment and she is just fine.

gosh, can we have coffee? You sound like me, my mother hates her new memory care facility, this is my 4th time moving my mother as she keeps getting kicked out of AL, now no AL will take her as she has been flagged. so she is in a lock down memory care facility and she HATES IT, and she sure lets me know every time we talk or see each other. I had to set healthy boundaries, I only go see her once a week, and if she "needs anything at the store I go once a month ad she is really been ok with all this, I have a lot of guilt over this last move, I was desperate for someone to take her as she is a cash payer on a spend down as we are in Probate spend down right now ( mom is going to get on Medicaid so her rent is cheaper) as I lost my father in May of this year. I am my mothers legal POA representative i did this with an elder care lawyer, she has been very helpful. any ways, its so good to read that I am not alone, I have been caring for my father mother since 2007. I needed a break. Thanks for listening, I think getting the power of attorney for your mom is going to help you. that way what you says go's. no matter what. My moms health is so much better now then it was because she is not in charge of her meds or insulin, they do all of that. She hates the food too and she hates the residents, but she really loves the staff. Its been so hard to do all the things I have done for my mother, I am trying to be the best daughter I can be, I am an only child too. good luck!