I am beyond frustrated. My mother has cancer but not terminal. We just found out she has congestive heart failure. She insists she doesn't want to die but refuses to eat or drink the way the dr says. In fact she will not get out of bed or eat when she is home and that sends her right back to the hospital where they wait on her hand and foot and don't make her lift a finger. I swear she does it just to get waited on because I won't do that. I have become her servant not her daughter. I am so frustrated and angry. I can't function from all the stress. She can't afford full time care and I can't see paying someone to sit and watch her sleep 23 hours of the day. I never expected this when mom said she wanted to come live with us... she just shut herself up in her room and doesn't want to socialize or be with us. She just wants to be waited on. I work full time and am a single mom with a 17 year old who is disabled and a 10 year old. She keeps saying how sorry she is to make such a mess but then doesn't do anything she could do to prevent the messes. She refuses to go to the bathroom even though when she is in the hospital or rehab, she goes... She won't eat at home or drink but in the hospital she will. She gets weak and sick and gets infections from not showering. She goes in, gets strong and comes right back home and gets in the bed. I have asked her directly what she wants and she says to be left alone. If I leave her alone she will starve to death. It is just horrible that she expects me to let her die... my children see this and it is just awful. The worst part is that I resent my mom... I am furious at the whole situation and that makes me feel like an awful person. Am I alone?
Have you considered this as an option?
You say she sleeps 23 hours a day. I assume that is an exaggeration, but if she really sleeps more than 20 hours a day consider calling for an evaluation for hospice.
Cancer and CHF must be an appalling combination to live with. Poor mother. I hope you can come up with a solution that will be an improvement for both of you.
Thanks for trying to explain further, your sadness, frustrations, anger, depression, confusion, and being alone in this. Your focus was on Mom. Reading, 24 hours ago, you had just found out that she has been diagnosed with CHF. Just now, she does not have CHF and the doctor gave you some wrong information! Don't you just hate it when there is misinformation? What are you doing, holding your breath for more 'information' ?
No wonder you are confused, angry, frustrated, depressed, and everything else. It is hard to rely on others if there is misinformation! And this from the doctor. Makes one wonder if your mother has a part in the misinformation? Maybe she has just prevented him from telling you all. The cancer, you say, is not terminal?
So, back to you, and your feelings. You may not realize it yet, but you just had a breakthrough, not a breakdown. Being able to explain where you are at, how you feel, how it affects you is a breakthrough! So good for you! You need compassion, and now you feel worse, you say. I feel we may have let you down.
However, looking at it another way, one often feels worse after sharing what you did.
A therapist will explain the process to you if you feel the need to see someone. In the meantime, allow us to get to know you a little better by continuing on with your topic, right here. So many are reading, not posting, or not yet posting. So you are not alone. You feel alone, but you are not.
Others will have much more compassion and understanding. When I finished reading your first post, I was wondering why you just don't lock her out of her room once she goes to the bathroom, not allowing her back in bed until she has showered, sat at the family table to eat, or something tough like that....I am so mean!
I learned that when my LO was demonstrating odd behavior, I was wrong about why she was doing it. She would lay in bed, even though she could get up, and use diapers. Her foot was hurt, but she was still able to get up and use a bedside toilet, but she refused. She would lie in bed all day and all night. She hardly ate and refused physical therapy and baths. I discussed it with health care providers who thought that she was lazy and spoiled (She was a little spoiled.) But, they never warned me that it was early dementia. Eventually, it got much worse and now she has Severe Dementia. I would have shown more compassion had I known that it was brain damage causing her to behave that way.
So, I'd figure out what's going on without much blame, because it could be something that she can't help. In that case, we have to love and support, no matter how frustrating the behavior.
If your mom is mentally competent, then, I would allow her to make her own decisions about her medical treatment, diet and care. If it's too overwhelming to handle, then, I'd have her find alternate care and housing, like a LTC facility.
And the other thing is, even suppose there were something visibly wrong that anyone could empathise with, that wouldn't change the fact that with a full time job plus existing family commitment, it isn't an excuse to say that you simply haven't time to run round after your mother in the way that she would like, not to mention that the lack of any stimulation at all wouldn't be too good for her.
So, really and truly you can't do it all. It won't work, and it isn't fair, not to anyone. What are your options for getting help?
You are angry and frustrated, and it's made worse by feeling bad about resenting your mother, even though resentment in your circumstances is an understandable reaction.
This situation is bad for you, bad for your mother - she gets better when she's in hospital or rehab, yes? - and most of all, and worst of all, bad for your children. So, where would you like to go from here? What changes would you like to make?
Of course you can't give her 24 hours of attention when she is back at home as you are one person, not dozens. And it sounds like she is pretending that she is dying to get everyone's attention at home. Next time she does this, ask her what color casket would she like, and what songs to sings at her funeral. I know this may sound cruel to some, but it could make Mom to sit and take notice of how she is acting.
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