Mom needs 24/7 care. I have to go back to work. She’s currently on hospice. I have a caregiver for only 3 days. I’ve had to move in with my mom because my brother up and left her, because he has this animosity towards me. I don’t feel safe around him, mom refuses to keep him away from her home, yet expects me to live with her. I’m angry that he refuses to help with her any longer, but thinks he can come to the house and control everything, even the caregiver. I want to leave as he did and go back home, but I feel guilty. Mom will not pay for more help and will not allow any one but me to care for fee at night, she said she will stay alone. However, she can't because she cannot see anymore and has very limited hearing.
Work with her insurance company and whoever is providing hospice to get her the care she needs - especially while you need to work AND at night when you need to rest. Explain that these "helpers" are for you since you are not able to stay awake all night or provide care when you are at work. They are the eyes. ears, hands and feet for you while you are unavailable.
It might be a good idea to set up legal documents to give your power to handle her finances and her medical affairs now - while she is able to make competent decisions. If not, you can pursue guardianship over your mom (which takes more time and can be costly).
the Nurse or more likely the Social Worker will explain that if she needs 24/7 care and that can not be done at home because she will not hire caregivers and they feel that she would be unsafe one of 2 things might happen.
They would tell her that she needs to go to a facility where she will get the care that she needs
or
Hospice may drop her from their service if they feel that she is not safe.
Maybe if you try to explain that and the Social Worker or the Nurse explains that the only way to continue with the Hospice service and not have to go to a Care facility would be to hire more caregivers that might mean more if it is not coming just from you.
either way make it plain to the Hospice Nurse, Social Worker and your mom that on XX/XX/2022 you will leave and mom will be on her own.
If you feel GUILT, you need to work through this, likely before you can make ANY decisions in the best interest of you(r life) and your mom.
THERE IS NO EXCUSE for a person with financial means to create all this havoc for others, or for others to allow it. If family member[s /you] allow it, they need to deal with the outcome / results of their decision making.
If you do not like the idea - for whatever reasons - of your brother living in the home with your mother, it is YOUR RESPONSIBILITY to make arrangements to move out.
You are making a huge 'problem' out of this due to your unresolved guilt, and not being responsible to yourself, and seemingly believing you are responsible to make decisions for your mother, instead of her making them herself.
Can you imagine how many visiting this site would LOVE to have 'the problem' of a mother having enough funds for 24/7 care of a loved one? Many lovely people are living in nursing homes (my friend is one of them) due to not enough funds to remain at home. You don't know how FORTUNATE your mom is.
Remove yourself. Get out of the house. There is NO reason for you to remain there, except your own unresolved psychological and emotional issues. Get the mental health support you need to dis-engage from this toxic situation. Gena
Look.
If your mother refuses the services and is deemed to be capable of making that decision, then the responsibility is your mother's.
If your mother is deemed not to be capable of making that decision, then you can use your POA to make it for her.
Her hospice providers, meanwhile, have a responsibility to their patient. If they feel that her living situation is unsafe, they must take it up with her (first), and if that doesn't work they refer her to APS.
But no one is able to take you out of the picture except you. No one is going to tell you to go home with their blessing. There you are, providing free care, and how is it not in your mother's best interests for everyone else to let that continue? It's great! She's happy, she's safe, she has the support she needs. So of course they won't interfere. If you want it to change, you have to change it.
away. Mom made me the POA in 2021, but dad house and everything to mom in 2018 when he passed. This is there only assist. My brother on the other hand moved in the year dad got very sick at the end of 2017 and said he would take care of him and help mom. In reality he moved in because his girlfriend of 8 yrs. Through him out because his attitude was unmanageable. He spent the next 4 years living w/ mom for free even though he promised my dad he would pay $800 a month to live in the studio apartment they have upstairs. The first year he says he helped pay bills…his assumption was that mom was going to leave the house to him. When she choose to take out reverse mortgage to help her live he totally went ballistic on her and me. It’s been this way since. He has been impossible to work with to help mom, threading to me and abusive and even attempted verbal/physical assault towards me. No he refuses to help with mom AT ALL but he still comes at will to see mom so I leave the house.
so I’m at a loss of what to do. I want to go back home, find a full time job so I can support myself and help my mom have some peace. But she will side with him every time.
What have you decided to do, since you have to go back to work?
I would try and get additional help for her. You could have them come by and meet her first. My Mother was very resistant in getting help for my Pop in the beginning. After spending some time with a couple of caregivers, she couldn’t imagine being without them. It was definitely a hurdle for my Mom, and me with her. However, after taking many baby steps, we got through it.
You are taking on a lot to do before and after work, and then worrying about her during the day. Hopefully, she sleeps during the night and you don’t have to get up with her. You are going to get burnt out quickly without additional help. I would explain that, explain that, and explain that, to her, until it sinks in. Get emotional with your words if you have to.
If you can convince your Mother to go to a facility, Hospice does have nursing facilities also. Check with them to find out where the facilities are and see if they have any openings. Or, do some research. There are adult day cares, full time group homes, and nursing facilities that even have cocktail hour on Friday’s. Maybe one of them would appeal to her. Make a list of all the reasons why she needs full time care and what would happen if she doesn’t get it. If she is too set in her ways, it’s going to be trial and error each day. It’s very unsettling, but may be the only way to convince her. Best of luck to you both.
Since your Mom cannot see and has very limited hearing, I'm sure she is scared that someone would take advantage of her and/or do something to her that she does not want to do. Your brother could also be adding to her anxiety. On the other hand, I'm sure you are burnt out, so done, and want to run.
If she has funds and you have the authorization, see if you can find somewhere to take care of her 24 x 7. Go tour and research at least 3 to ensure that you are making a good choice, not a choice because its is the lesser of all evils. This process will help you with the guilt that I'm sure you will be feeling, if you are not already feeling.
As other people have mentioned, talk to hospice and her PCP to see what options are available to you.
It is possible that once your Mom "moves" away from you, she could die within a year. You don't need and shouldn't need to feel that guilt. You need to be mentally strong enough to "help" her through her journey, carry out her last wishes and deal with anything that comes along with it (like your brother).
Don't sacrifice yourself for your Mom. If you die or become incapacitated, she will be worse off than if you put her into a care facility or get someone(s)/agency to do 24 x 7 care.
Good luck. Talk to Hospice and your Mom's PCP and see what options are available. I feel for both you and your Mom. Both are you are at a very vulnerable time of your lives.
P.S. If you find this all overwhelming, then try and get a therapist to help you through this part of the journey of your life.
Instead of living at home, in this familial situation, perhaps there are hospice facilities that can accommodate her needs while freeing you up to love her without living with her. https://hospicefoundation.org
I just put the name of a little paperback here, "When I say NO, I feel guilty."
Make plans to make the most of your life while you help ease mom's transition with words of love and gratitude............perhaps you can visit and read to her (does she have a favorite author or topic?).
Hospice is a powerhouse of resources- you may consider asking the social worker for resources to help you through this process. They can’t comment on family situations, but they can connect you with valuable resources. Believe me, they’ve seen and dealt with far worse so it won’t be new to them.
None of this is easy, but you will get through it. In the process you will learn some things about yourself. It’s clear you are a loving, smart, honest person who just wants to do right by mom in a very tough situation. There is no perfect way to do it. Do the best you can, give yourself permission to take care of you, and know that the love you have for your mom transcends all of this minutiae that is happening in the last stretch of her life.
I’m cheering for you.
If you must go back to work then there will be no choice but for Mom to pay someone to be there if Hospice mandates it. Hospice may be able to give her an aide for more hours. Mom may need to be placed in a Hospice home or LTC. Tell Hospice that you have to report back to work. Whoever is POA will need to be informed that if no one can be available 24/7 that caregivers will need to be hired.
I did respond to Nancy but I will repeat it...Medicare and Social Security do not except DPOA. To deal with SS you must become a payee. And, there is really no dealing with Medicare. Medicare is billed by a provider. Medicare pays 80% of what they feel is reasonable and the 20% is paid by the patient or their suppliment. Very rarely does Medicare make a mistake and they will tell u that. They don't make mistakes.
Get your ducks in a row, tell her that you are moving out, she can either have her son move in with her or go to AL pick one. Give it 90 days and go.
She is refusing because you do everything for her, good deal if you can get it.
Stop torturing yourself, move on, you have done your part.
Who has POA?
Do you have POA? If so, then hire an overnight caregiver and don't ask for permission or approval from your mother or brother.
If your brother has POA then he gets to run the show.
If there is no POA, then try to get one signed over to you while your mother is still mentally competent.
If your brother is putting up road blocks to everything that you try to do to insure your mother's safety, then your options are limited without a POA.
i have tried to mend the issues with my brother. He has been jealous and vindictive since my mom took out a reverse Morgage to pay for her care. My father left the home to her for this reason. My mom asked me to research them so I did, she asked my advice… I told her that neither my brother or I had the resources to help her if she needed care. But when my dad got sick, very sick, my brothers girlfriend asked him to leave her house where he had been leaving, so it was an easy in to my parents house. When dad died, my brother wasn’t paying rent as he promised my dad he would ($800 a month, which was nothing) to help mom pay bills. Instead he chose the bills to pay which were nothing that he was supposed to pay, and in return he wanted my mom to give him the house. But she did not do that in the will. That infuriated him with hatrated towards me. This was my mothers choice not mine. So her we are today two years later just so stressful and overwhelming. I told him we can work things out later, but he feels I’m going to cheat him. The will states that we are to split it 3 ways what ever is left after taking care of moms estate.
mom overwhelmed with spiritual loss, mental and physical misconduct, taunting and scare tactics. I don’t know what to do.
Your mother has two children. One of those children has bailed out, and the other is being deprived of her life by self imposed guilt. YES, SELF IMPOSED.
If God forbid you became unable, for any reason to be your mother’s current caregiver/servant, do you know what would happen to her, and who would be LEGALLY responsible for her care?
FIND OUT. Whether you decide to act on the information you get, or not, informing yourself can be empowering.
ALSO, find out what residential care sites are available in your area. If your mother NEEDS the 24/7 care of people being trained and paid to do this, you OWE it to her to find a way to provide it FOR HER.
You have responsibility FOR YOURSELF. YOU are important too. Take steps to restore balance for her, and for yourself. The smallest step forward can be a big step for you both.
Time to stop allowing your brother to manipulate you, and stop neglecting your mother. Best of luck in taking the first step.
I think you should put your brother aside unless you think he is a risk to her well being. Leave. Perhaps arrange for wellness checks (I don't know how that works). She's in hospice so she will haven nursing attention a few times a week. You might also talk to the hospice social workers for help. They may also be able to determine what her mental state is.
What is qualifying her for hospice?
More info, as noted below, would be helpful.
Staying somewhere you feel unsafe is a deal-breaker to me. But I would try to get Mother as safe as she allowed before I left.
Not to disrespect your opinion, but I guess I would get an opinion from her medical team about staying alone at night. Does she get up for the bathroom? Is her sight impairment new? Or has she been long used to moving around her home in the dark? Does adequate lighting help?
If she CAN safely stay alone at night, then go. Make a welfare call to her in the mornings.
If not, this will need to be discussed with Mother. Then a night carer arranged. She many not like it but I'm sure there are many things she would love to change if she could. This is just how it is.
If she is mentally competent, she DOES have the right to take risks. To refuse care.
But she does NOT have the right to instruct you to stay.
What is the reason for your Mom being on hospice? You mention she cannot see anymore and has limited hearing, but those two items wouldn't put one into hospice.
More info will help us figure out the situation.