Over a year ago, I called my mothers doctor and asked if forgetting words [nouns] was something I should be concerned about. He said no, Mom was ok and I forgot about it. Mom found out that I called the doctor about 6 months ago. I should have told her and that was a big mistake on my part. Now mom thinks I want to move her out of her house. I have repeatedly told her I am sorry that I called the doctor and that I do not want to remove her from her house. She does not believe me and has become very mean.
Not sure what to do to convince her. Any suggestions would be helpful.
Just apologize again and tell her you were simply concerned and didn't ask any deeply personal questions, just something that she herself probably wouldn't notice or own up to.
In your whole life, did she never do anything to 'cross paths' with you? Remind her you love her, your call was out of concern and love and let it go.
My mom is mad at me about so many things she can't even keep track. At some point, I just had to go 'whatever--this was all done out of concern. You should be GLAD that one of your kids CARES enough to check up on you!'
Then just be nice. If she hadn't found out about this, things would all be fine and dandy, right? Just keep on being kind and promise her you won't go behind her back again and the let it go.
It sounds to me like your mother is probably going down the dementia road, scared to death, and now angry that you're asking questions about it. Forgetting words & displaying lots of anger are both signs of dementia, and not something anyone should ignore in the elderly. And how on earth would her doctor know that you shouldn't be concerned about her 'forgetting words' if he hadn't done a cognizance test on her? In my experience, these geriatric doctors know little to nothing about their patients unless they've conducted a HUNDRED different tests on them! In my mother's case, her doctor and PA have to call ME to find out what's going on with HER. She showtimes for them making them think she's just fine & dandy, but with me, the truth comes out. Know what I mean? :)
If your mother is incapable of letting go of such a minor issue, I think you're going to have to have her tested for dementia, frankly. You're being unreasonably punished for a very minor thing. If mother wants to live with you and have you help her day in and day out, you will NEED to continue asking as many questions as you deem necessary to have her cared for properly. And SHE will have to give everyone her OKAY to have that happen.
Best of luck!
My mom did this to me many times and it’s a control issue to some extent. It may even be their own insecurities showing up. I don’t know your mom’s physical or mental health so I cannot form a complete opinion.
I can’t imagine a parent wanting to be dependent on an adult child. Emotionally that has to be hard and perhaps that explains certain things. They may be taking out their frustrations on their children.
Parents are aware they are aging and not in full control as they once were. So in that regard I can empathize with all who are aging as well.
Does that mean that I feel we should accept a parent treating us unfairly? Absolutely not! We have a right to defend ourselves. You were kind and apologized. I always apologized to my mom too.
You didn’t do anything wrong that required an apology but you were apologizing because she was hurt. That shows me that you respect and care about her.
At this point in time for me, I question a lot of behaviors regarding my mom so I totally get that you question certain behavior from your mom. I wish you well and sincerely hope that you do not become overwhelmed with caregiving. Please take necessary breaks and ask for support when needed.
I am no longer my mom’s caregiver. I look back in amazement at many things not knowing what to think of it.
I am working with a therapist to sort things out in my head and heart.
With my own mother, I politely but persistently pursued the topic and when she stiff-armed me I just had to point out that no one gets out of here alive. I reminded her how it went for her own mother (and some siblings). Did she want it to go that way when I was here to help her? When she'd give me her flippant answer of, "If I ever get 'that way' just take me out back and shoot me!" I'd tell her I wished it was that easy ;-) I patiently pointed out the benefits of dealing with things now (while she had all her mind and could participate in all her decision-making); the necessity of having all her legal ducks in a row (PoA, Health Care Directive, HIPAA release for me, will, funeral instructions, etc). I even employed a little guilt (Do you want to leave me with a crisis and no money to care for you and no good options?, etc) Eventually as she saw other family seniors go down the rabbit hole of elder brain or elder health (or both) we could have more mature and productive conversations.
If you are able to get to this point with your mom, my first act would be to have her make an annual physical appt, have her sign a HIPAA release for you when there and then have the doc give her a cognitive eval plus a UTI test for good measure (UTIs in the elderly can sometimes have no symptoms other than dementia-like behavior, and can be easily cleared up with antibiotics.) After this, make sure she gets the other legal paperwork in place. Be reassuring to and patient with her as she (hopefully) comes to a less fearful place. Help her keep or find a purpose in her daily life. Focus on solutions, not losses or problems. It is much better if we can get our LOs to a place of acceptance and reality. I don't blame them for getting freaked out about certain changes, but it's every person's responsibility to come to grips with end of life. Blessings to you and your mom, wishing you productive and loving conversations!
In truth, her doc should not have talked to you much without a POA for health care, but seems he didn't really speak about HER, only about what is normal.
Just tell her you now you overstepped her bounds and it will never happen again. That should be enough UNLESS you are looking at a Mom who DOES think she is losing a bit of her capability and is a bit worried about it.
So sorry it happened and she is still mad. I think over time she will come to trust you again.