My mother just turned 80 and lives with me. I’m currently experiencing an issue with her acting out when I try to spend time with my friends. It has literally come to yelling matches and her making insensitive comments about them while they are present! I’m trying to be understanding since she has had health issues that have restricted her ability to get out for the past 6-8 months. I have two trips coming up this year with said friends and she normally takes care of the 2 dogs (Golden’s exceeding 100 pounds each). I’ve suggested boarding the dogs but she refuses. I know if I hire someone in to help out with the dogs (and also check on her) that she will say it isn’t needed. Does anyone have suggestions on how to rationally discuss these with her???? I’m really at a loss, as I feel she is going to take anything I say as an insult. Boarding the dogs will make her lonely, but would really reduce the risk of injuries while I am away. And I really need her to try to understand my spending time with my friends. She has me to help take care of her as she ages, but I am an only child for the most part. I’m 43 with no human children or spouse, and don’t see either of those situations changing. My friends are who I am going to have to rely on as I age. I just don’t know how to get that point across. She used to be very social until she retired and I know that is part of the issue. But she chooses to stay home to take care of the dogs (I try to get them to daycare once every two weeks) and know they would be well taken care of while boarding. Sorry this has been all over the place, but I just could use some opinions/suggestions!!!
confused in NC
My husband would say to our girls "do u want to go visit Uncle Bill". Really !, there was no discussion. We "were" going and they were too young to stay alone. So why ask instead of saying "come on girls. Going to go see Uncle Bill"
When Mom lived here we went out to dinner every night. Got us all out and we usually saw people we knew. She would bulk sometimes but I would say no, ur going.
Thats what it comes down to, you r going anyway. So do what you have to do. I think the dogs would be better at home with her. Just have someone come in to feed them. But...you know ur dogs and u know Mom.
Insulting someone = your last concern, since she needs to not be alone with two large dogs while you're away. Hiring a CNA to check on your mom while you're away sounds fair, since she is 80. Contact local agencies, for further information.
If she chooses to be rude, remember it's a choice that she's making. Perhaps meet-up with friends elsewhere, away from the abusive grump. Finding a solution, doesn't need to be relayed to your 80 year-old mother. You're going to need to keep her away from your friends, instead of justifying her behaviors. You wrote that she uses your dogs against you for guilt trips, which is a sign that your mother is abusive towards others.
Your mother's opinion+ feelings are not the issues upon which you need to focus; instead, your 80-year-old mother's safety + your dogs' safety are collectively your needed daily focus.
I'd also try to separate out my own anxiety about being away and leaving her to it, from her resentment that she is no longer able to go away on nice breaks with her friends.
The worst case scenario that I can well imagine would be running through your head is that you get back to find that she tripped over a dog on the night that you left, broke her hip and has since been partially eaten. I used to find it almost impossible not to conjure nightmares like this every time I was planning to do anything at all to suit myself.
Well. The tripping over/broken hip part, which is the actual bad bit, she could manage at any time whether you were overseas or right there in the back yard. The fallout from that would be that if you were away there would be a longer delay in her receiving help. But that's all. The *additional* risk is a minor factor, and unless your mother is suddenly doing daft dangerous things I should just accept it. Presumably there's an emergency contact network in place, is there?
Don't negotiate on your trip: you're going, end of.
If her mind is good, then you need to have the conversation about nasty comments about your friends. She clearly sees them as people taking you away from her from time to time and she lashes out. -- Was she the type of person who had lots of friends...or perhaps just one friend at a time? I found the later type just can't be nice/friendly to more than one at a time. And for now - you're it. The choice can be - keep nasty to yourself or you will go to them for visits and she will be excluded all together.
Like any close-knit relationship, sometimes you just need a break from each other, and you and mom certainly do. Her demeanor toward your friends is awful and unacceptable... but probably stems from the aforementioned boredom/frustration/anger/depression issues she seems to have. I'm guessing your friends know not to take it personally, but it still must sting.
Take care of yourself, God willing you've got a lot of life ahead of you. And yes, you MUST go on your trip... and have fun without regret :)
Get someone to come in and care for the dogs. I am quite a bit younger than your Mom and I would not want to care for 2 large dogs. Just tell her that the person is going to come in to help out is for the dogs not for her.
If mom is doing nothing all day she may be bored and you might want to look into Adult Day Care for her or at least the activities at the local Senior Center and drop her off a few days a week.
Tell your mom she has a choice of sitting home alone or to start going to senior activities. You don’t need to sit there with her. I assume she is safe alone from your post . If she isn’t, get someone to stay with her. I’m not saying everyday but at least a few times a week. Or for vacation. Maybe leave the smaller dog if you think she may not be able to control the large one.
I’m sure she’ll squawk but she’s being selfish. Its not up to us to make someone choose to enjoy life, that’s their responsibility. It’s up to us though if we let someone walk all over us.
It’s odd how many on here have the same problems. I think maybe many here have been the “ good “ child (or only child)who gave more so a tyrannical parent or even just a self absorbed parent got used to it and demands more and more as they can do less and less without help.
They recently had an article here claiming a dementia suffer can not manipulate.HAHAHA. Bull. If that’s their basic personality, it’s second nature. That’s why my narcissist mother still , at 92 with vascular dementia, plays my sister against me and vice versa. She may not be as good at it as she was years ago, or maybe we just can spot it better, but she still does it.
We have people in the community in which we live that would come stay with mom & the dogs. Or, if mom is self sufficient, have someone to check on her frequently.
Go, enjoy yourself!!! My mom has had those outbursts in front of friends too. Thank goodness for friends that understand!!!!
You are too young to stop living! Have a great vacation!!!