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My mom refused physical therapy and now she can’t get it anymore. Now she’s refusing dental care. She lost her bridge and has to have her teeth replaced not to mention and she’s not brushing her teeth. She’ll end up loosing her teeth! . What am I supposed to do? I can’t be there all the time to make sure she showers, gets treatment.
It’s exhausting to go see her in this condition. I can’t be the one to do this for her. I have no help from my 1 Sibling and family is out of state.
I’m just getting back my health from almost having a nervous breakdown because of her.



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Sounds like that’s a problem for Mom and the nursing home. You need to visit a lot less. Or never considering the effect it seems to have on you. Why are you so insistent on being involved if you were estranged for 40 years per your profile? This is not your problem.
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WendiG, you have several other posts about your Mom and her resistance and your burnout. You have gotten many responses telling you that you are not responsible for your Mom's happiness or care. You keep slamming yourself into the brick wall.

Your marriage and your spouse are the #1 priority. This is what you should feel guilty about, not your Mom. There are other solutions for her basic care... you just need to accept them. Stop acting like you're her only solution. You are not.
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funkygrandma59 Sep 24, 2024
Preach it Geaton! You are spot on.
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And these issues are your problems why???
And please don't tell me that it's because you're trying to receive the love that you never received as a child as that just ain't gonna happen.
I'm sorry that your mom messed you up so bad, and I do hope that you have a good therapist that will help you untangle the hot mess of emotions, and false sense of obligation you feel towards a person who yes gave you birth, but doesn't deserve being in your life.
Your health has suffered enough and it's time you say enough is enough. I hope you will be strong enough to do just that, and make yourself a priority once and for all and get on with living and enjoying your life.
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According to your profile, mom lives in a SNF with dementia. Physical therapy is a waste of time and nearly impossible with dementia, as is understanding the need for oral hygiene and hygiene in general. When her teeth get bad enough, they'll need to be pulled out with sedation. You have to accept that your mother is going to keep going downhill from here as she approaches end of life, and she's safe in the SNF. You having nervous breakdowns over trying to manage an unmanageable situation is senseless. If she was living with you, I could understand your level of angst.

Nobody wants to see their mother like this. I didnt when my mother was in Memory Care Assisted Living, that's for sure. I prayed daily for God to take her out of her misery, actually, bc there is no good answer to dementia otherwise. It's not their fault they're sick, and it's not our job to cure them. Its our job to love them and accept they're sick, leaving the rest in God's hands and in the facility's hands.

Visit once a week, bring some goodies and small gifts, and that's it. Don't give up YOUR health for something you cannot fix. That's my suggestion. You can advocate for your mother, as I did for mine, and get hospice involved when the time is right, as I did, but that's it. I made sure mom had antidepressants and Ativan to keep her as calm as possible, and I loved her. She passed at 95. It was a relief, tbh.

Good luck stepping back a bit and caring for YOURSELF.
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Time your mother is in placement so that she has several shifts with several people to help her through her day.
I don't think your own life should be thrown on the funeral pyre of your parent, and I doubt she is in safe circumstances now if she lives alone for any periods of time. Once you need assistance with basic hygiene it isn't sustainable for caregivers attempting 24/7 one on one care.

Do understand, when you become a "caregiver" you can no longer be the doting daughter. You move to being the enemy, the one who makes rules she doesn't like. Don't go there. Preserve you health and hers and your relationship by opting now for placement.
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funkygrandma59 Sep 24, 2024
Alva the OP's mom is already in a nursing facility(according to her profile, yes we actually had someone that filled out their profile! Woo Hoo!) which makes this post even more disturbing.
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Your mother's health is only going to get worse with or without physical therapy and dental work. It's absurd to even consider putting an 80-year old with (advanced?) dementia through dental surgery to remove and replace her teeth. You can tell her to brush her teeth until you're blue in the face and nothing will change because her brain is broken. Ask the nursing home to puree her food if she can no longer chew properly.

No one is forcing you to put yourself through this agony you describe in your profile. And stop expecting your sister to help you. She has made her choice and just because you don't like it does not mean it's wrong. Some people are just better at establishing healthy boundaries in dysfunctional families and situations.
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Reply to NYDaughterInLaw
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Stop trying to fix Mom’s problems .
Our society has us think we are supposed to fix all the elder’s problems .

Get more comfortable with Mom’s refusal of care . Let Mom choose to let things go and leave this world on her terms . A lot of old people in nursing homes have no teeth or bridges and refuse to see the dentist . And PT is also frequently refused or not successful at this stage .

Mom isn’t going to get better . Let the facility handle her . You focus on making yourself better .
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Let it go.

She is at the end of her life.
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cover9339 Sep 25, 2024
If she has started to experience FTT, sadly, it won't be that long.
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I really appreciate your honest answers. I DO have to stop running myself into the wall. Thanks again for the sanity check. This forum is so helpful!
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AlvaDeer Sep 29, 2024
Thanks so much, Wendi, for coming back to us and letting us know anything said helped you. So few return to let us know.
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Your mom may be starting to experience Failure to Thrive, I'm so sorry.
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christinex2ri Sep 29, 2024
Failure to thrive in the elderly is a syndrome and not a diagnosis. It encompasses a number of conditions characterized by progressive weight loss and decrease in function. For purposes of diagnosis and treatment,
failure to thrive can be divided into nonorganic and organic causes. from Clinic in Geriatric Medicine 8.2024

so I would tend to disagree with your assessment of failure to thrive
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I told my mother that if she no longer wants to see doctors, I will no longer fight her on it. She knows the consequences
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AlvaDeer Sep 29, 2024
She will likely be relieved that you won't fight for her to fight for her life. She is likely ready to let go of her life. She would just appreciate your support in being able to do that with dignity and grace. I am 82, and know whereof I speak.
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Acceptance of what you cannot change is a great gift to give yourself
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Reply to Daughterof1930
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If your mother's situation bothers you too much, get yourself therapy. Contact/see her only once a week, perhaps less often. Her dementia-brain is broken, so no use getting so frustrated over what cannot be fixed.
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WendiG Sep 29, 2024
Thank you. As I read everyone’s comments and write some of my own I realize that it is me that needs help now.
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I can understand it. Theres nothing wrong to show kindness and compassion to a human being, especially a mother. Im sure some folks pray they have somebody like you if/when it happens to them. You are a rare bird indeed. But you can do only so much & you must take care of yourself. My brother is in assisted living but I live in another state. I am his only family so I visit during the year. I have relationships with the director and other assistants who keep me up to date. He has dementia but everyone has good things to say about him. When I visit, I bring gifts or magazines which he loves. There is so much you can do. Other posts are right. You must take care of yourself and step back. Visit when you can and get updates from the facility. It seems you have a good heart. Showing a little kindness can go a long way. You are one in millions who show they care. Good luck to you.
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WendiG Sep 29, 2024
Thank you very much for your kind words. i’m sorry for your brother. It’s very difficult for you too.
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My mother is the same way. She broke her bridge, lost a tooth, and won't open her mouth for the technician to replace it. She refused physical therapy after she broke her hip and had to move from a walker to a wheelchair. We moved her to a memory care home before this happened due to her throwing out the caregivers when she lived at home and she was a danger to herself and others due to her dementia. If your mother is in a home, they can adjust her food to compensate for the loss of the bridge. If she is not in a retirement home, I recommend that you move her there for her own good and for your health. It was a major emotional event for us to move our mother but it was for the best. I wish you all the best in resolving these problems but take some comfort that many of us have faced this and were able to find solutions.
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WendiG Sep 29, 2024
Your advice is very comforting , especially since you have actually lived it. Thank you again!
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She needs a caregiver or someone to manage her needs.
If you do not have legal authority to make decisions she cannot make, you need to get all this in order.

* It might mean moving her into a facility - or at least start researching options.
* Be sure she has whatever medication she may need (depression?) and a person to help her take it - she may resist as she is doing in other areas.
* Realize - as hard as this is to hear - that you have allowed her to affect you in ways that you feel you've 'almost' had a nervous breakdown. You've waited too long to make needed changes - and/or realize that if she is legally able to make her own decisions, you need to learn to LET GO ... and yes, she may lose her teeth. It happens.

You are hanging on ... emotionally and psychologically draining yourself - you have to learn how to stop this - do what you can and realize you are doing your best and that is all you can do.
* If you family / sibling won't help, they you need to make other arrangements. Get legal needs in order ... Get documentation / a letter from MD indicating that she doesn't have the cognitive abilities to take care of herself ... this is critically important. w/o that letter/document, you will not be able to make necessary decisions.

* See if Adult Protective Services can help / make a visit.
* Find an independent, medical soc worker to support / assist you.
* Contact an attorney that specializes in elder care / trust issues.
* Reach out to local churches for volunteer support.
* Find caregivers / contact volunteer organization and dementia association in her area).

I do not understand if she lives in the area you live in or if you, too, live out of state. If this is the case, it may be time to move her near you (NOT IN YOUR HOME), or get her into a facility (assisted living).

Gena / Touch Matters
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christinex2ri Sep 29, 2024
If she is deemed cognitively competent, then there is NO court that will allow guardianship/conservatorship.
Learn to accept that she is allowed to make decisions regardless of the impact on her well-being.
The biggest obstacle in her care, is you caring too much -- I know I've been there and by pushing the envelope to help has caused what she wanted A MAJOR SPLITTING OF THE FAMILY and her enablers.
My brother, sister-in-law, their adult children and I are working to mend the attempt to tear the family apart by our sister's end of life drama -- she could be living a better life but prefers not to listen to doctors and assumes there is a miracle pill or surgery to put her back together again. There isn't!! Accept the Bad/Poor decision making and live your life --
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You could always try and get medical power of attorney
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KS2024 Sep 29, 2024
True but you cannot force them to take medicine/do therapy/etc. even if they need it. Medical POA is more for end of life care and decisions. Wish we could make them take certain meds that they clearly should be taking!
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You could get medical power of attorney so you can make these choices for her
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WendiG Sep 29, 2024
I have POA for everything. The nursing home has suggested that I come and take her to therapy or I come and make sure she attends the doctors appointments, but that’s not going to happen and she still won’t do it.
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What should you do?

You should adjust to the reality of her condition and let the SNF staff do what they do.

It's not up to you to make her happy or better. You can't. Don't do yourself in by catering to her wants. Visit as often as is good for you which sounds like a lot less than your are doing now. Your mother is a complainer. That reflects on her, not on you.

My mother was a complainer too. I lived 5 hrs drive away and only visited a few times a year. I kept in touch with the staff so I knew what was going on and that she was well cared for. I did it at a distance and didn't worry about details. She was never happy and often it was "my fault". Whatever. That song gets tiring after a while.

Your first priority is you and your physical and mental health. No one is benefitting by you putting your mother before your own mental health. You are suffering and your husband is suffering. Look after yourself and your marriage. Do not put your mother ahead of you and your husband.

Start making changes today. Visit less often. So what if mother complains. She is going to complain whatever you do or don't do. Don' let her complaining drive your choices. Make your choices in light of what is good for you and your hub and come back and let us know how you are doing.

All the best for a better future.
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WendiG Sep 29, 2024
Thank you. I am making change a very necessary priority.
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You can't control what your Mom does or doesn't do.
1) Physical therapy. It can be started at a later time. If she won't cooperate, again, she won't cooperate. What is the physical therapy for? Walking ? Strength?
2) Teeth Why go through that pain? Suggest brushing with one of those sponge tooth brushes.
Also, have Mom rinse with warm salt water or mouthwash after each meal. It will help.
As children of elderly parents, we can only do so much. It's a difficult situation.
Best wishes.
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My mother, now deceased, went to rehab last year. She just did not want to do the PT. I tried to encourage her she was not invested in doing it. I really could not get her to try harder.

I don't think it was laziness, I think she just was giving up because her body had enough at the age of 95. I do think there is a time in life when people do just that and you can't do much about it.
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WendiG: Let the SNF continue to take care of her. The complaining of your mother is in no way a reflection on you. Take care of yourself.
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Diana59 Sep 30, 2024
I feel for your struggles. I started counseling 8months ago and it has really helped. I find it hard with working fulltime to get an appointment that fits my schedule, as if I take off work I have less money to pay for services. So I go through Better Help. It is las expensive that counseling at my clinic. Plus it is more flexible, you can choose from face to face / zoom meeting, group sessions or by phone. You also can stay connected through messaging with them. It is called a membership, can not go through insurance , but the fee is much more reasonable that seeing someone at the clinic. I hope this is helpful. I don't know where I would be with out them.
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Wendi - it's time to let mom refuse whatever she wants to. So, do nothing. As you said, you can't be there all the time. Accept the way things are. Not always easy, but you should start working on it.
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WendiG Sep 29, 2024
Thank you. I think I need to find a support group and yes, work on me accepting her decisions.
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You didn't mention how old your mom is -- this is important.
I have a 73 yo sister who has refused to use her dentures daily and now wants implants because she has so much pain when she finally wears them. (implants just the workup is a 100x more painful than the occasional discomfort of wearing her dentures).
There is new evidence regarding dementia onset clues perhaps 10 years prior to the diagnosis -- self care is one like taking showers, wearing dentures, brushing teeth, light exercise and more. Definitely worth a google to find out more.
I agree with the others and was recently told by my doctor that if a person is determined to be cognitively able to make decisions then I need to accept the decision whether it is good, bad or indifferent. One is entitled to make BAD DECISION and no amount of cajoling and pleading will change that BAD DECISION. We need to learn how to accept the BAD DECISION no matter how negative it affects their well being. I'm working on learning how to accept the BAD DECISION BEING MADE but it is very hard -- I've decided to go to a grief group and may try Al-Anon
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WendiG Sep 29, 2024
Such good advice learning to accept their bad decision. Btw, my Mom will be 81 next month. She’s in a nursing home so I guess it’s me that’s making this worse on me. Sure wish I could just disappear :/ . Good luck with your sister. Grief group sounds like a good resource.
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So sorry to hear this & I know it's tough with everything being on just you. That being said, do you have an organization that you could contact, like Senior Services, that could provide some respite care for you for you own health?
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WendiG Sep 29, 2024
Thank you. Mom is at a facility now. Still I struggle with letting go. I appreciate everyone’s time and replying and I go back and read these things when I need encouragement helps so much. Normally, you would talk to your mother about things like this since she’s not able to appreciate everyone’s wisdom your actual experience
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If your mom is cared for in a skilled nursing facility, they need to make sure she is offered oral care daily - as well as any other needed care. In most facilities, your mom is entitled to refuse care - even with dementia. This is why she is no longer getting physical therapy. If she refuses oral care, expect her to lose her teeth - her choice and not your responsibility. You will need to come to terms with the fact your mother will experience worse health outcomes because she is not cooperating with care plans. Nobody is going to force her to comply. You should not be worrying about her compliance issues, but find ways to find peace with this. Focus on enjoying time with her and not allowing yourself to get bogged down or depressed when she doesn't do what you wish.
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