My mom is 93. She has cognitive decline and several health comorbidities. She seems to be settling into RC after 6 weeks, in a shared room.
She keeps asking for more and more stuff from her home, and wants to use up all available space for her "things", including her neighbor's empty spaces and the common area in the room.
Lately she's been asking for cash. She wants $1000 in cash for "Safety", even though there is nowhere for her to spend it or use it.
I dropped off all her expensive jewelry, which she insisted on, but now she also wants the $1000 cash.
The home DOES NOT recommend either expensive jewelry or cash on site, for obvious reasons.
It's her stuff and her money, but I also feel responsible for helping protect her from herself, or from theft or loss at the care home.
I don't want to deprive her of her things, but her requests seem never ending and the large sums of cash and expensive jewelry at the care home worry me. She seems to want to "Impress" some of the other residents.
Any advice or recommendations?
Did you get the jewelry insured? Many facilities recommend that you purchase renter's insurance for hard to replace items like a nice picture.
You can actually buy realistic 'fake' money on Amazon, but would need to make sure that she didn't have a way to spend it.
It's a mess waiting to happen if you comply with your mother's wishes. I'd tell her the RC forbids cash and expensive jewelry to be in the residents' rooms, and that's that. To take it up with the management if she has an issue with it, and then change the subject. Whenever I tell my mother to 'fight her own battles', that's usually enough to get her to drop the subject!
Good luck!
The theft heartache is not just about mother’s loss, it’s the worry of whoodunnit, accusations against staff, other residents, reports to police etc. Just bad bad news. Don’t rely on insurance – you can’t insure your heart!
I've seen many ladies with fake jewels, thrift shop purses with photocopied cash in it.
I hope you don't learn the hard way 😕
Mom loved dressing up! That generation never wanted to look like they were home doing housework. Mom put on lipstick to walk to her mailbox!
Still, I agree with others, buy her inexpensive costume jewelry to wear. Hey, I like the suggestion made about the ‘realistic fake money’ too. Maybe inform the staff that she has it in case she tries to buy something. I don’t know the specific policies at her facility. I know of some residents in our assisted living facilities that will have take out food delivered to them in their rooms.
I would hate to see your mom’s jewelry stolen. My dad’s watch was stolen in a nursing home that he did rehab in after his stroke. Unfortunately, thefts can occur.
IF she can still understand, I would tell her you will keep it safe and can bring certain items for wearing if you are going out with her. In most cases, there shouldn't be a need for cash (my mother was the same way at home - she kept a stash, but no idea if she used it all up or it was taken. She had shown me years ago a stash she kept on hand in case she "had to get outta here." Get out of here and go where? If you drive or fly, credit cards will pay. If you eat out, same thing. Cash - I almost never have any and I get by just fine!
It's just too easy for someone to walk into a room and walk off with stuff. In mom's MC unit, it was locked down, so if another resident took something (it isn't really stealing for them!) eventually it might show up. Mom's diamond and wedding band went missing before the move to MC. Suspect is one of the aides we tried hiring, only 1 hr/day, to get her used to it, but that didn't last when she refused to let them in. I haven't been through every box of jewelry, so it could show up, but I doubt it. She was wearing some other ring I'd never seen before, so perhaps the aide swapped with her? Even nice clothes can go AWOL. When mom passed, they still weren't allowing anyone in, esp not the MC unit, so they boxed up everything. Going through the stuff, I've found random towels that were not hers and several items of clothing that were definitely not hers (too small.) Despite telling me each person's laundry is done separately, it isn't. When we were going to ditch her undies and put briefs in place, there were many of those stretchy undies - NEVER had she worn those! In the boxes, there were MORE. I tossed all of them. Most of the clothes, whether hers or not, will be stuffed in a donation box. Towels - setting them aside for use with the cats here.
It's best to keep anything that is "nice" and of value, whether actual or sentimental, out of these places. It doesn't always happen, but why take that chance? Have them stored so that when needed you can access these items. Otherwise, keep them at home and NO cash (fake money or a very very small amount - instead of a $10 bill, give her 10 singles, as it looks like more to them!_
As to the things, she should be allowed to have as much of her personal stuff as will fit into her personal space. She can discuss with roommates what they think about the communal areas, but I would think rules will limit her to her own space, which of course has to be kept safe and clutter free for mobility concerns.
You will have to learn to tell her that some things are not possible. The cash is one of them.
Are you totally good on losing her good jewelry? If not, then swap stuff out for costume jewelry. The facility is not responsible for things lost, misplaced, stolen, etc.
she cannot be taking over her roommate space. Things like this can be a real problem. If her roomie is in a well established group or lunch bunch, she will tell the others and mom will get frozen out. Mean Girls NH version. When you go to visit her and find she’s taken over roomie’s space, please just quietly move things back, take stuff down. Eventually she will stop.
Please Don’t bring her more stuff, just take control of the situation.
If you’re her POA it’s up to you to protect her assets any way you can if she has cognitive disabilty. I would just tell her it’s not allowed there.
My mom does have her wedding band & diamond on at the nursing home she’s in but it’s just a small 1/3 carat ring. They have already lost her teeth & glasses
As far as money - no $1000. Does she need money where she is? Or is it more like a nursing home and she needs no money. If she needs some money for incidentals I wouldn't give her any more than $100. If like a nursing home and no money needed see if you can't get away with play money that looks real but is larger. Of course depending on her cognition, it may fall flat if she knows money isn't real.
When dad went from shard apt with mom to SN, I didn't take away his wedding ring. I felt it was too big a deal to him at that time. However after a couple months I should have slipped it off his finger and taken it back to mom or home with me. Shortly before he died the ring went missing. He'd lost so much weight the ring probably fell off. Mom was heartbroken about the loss and I'm pretty mad at myself for not checking regularly about his ring. I also doubt the staff looked very hard for it.
Dad also wanted money - kept complaining about it. Mom left a few $1s behind form him, hid it among his clothes and told him where she'd put it. Of course he then couldn't remember where it was - so mom took back his money. He once asked me didn't he have to pay for his meals - and was amazed when I told him his meals were included in his rent.
Good luck.
Just because Mom asks for something be cautious, you should put the staff in an awkward position if some thing goes missing and it turns out your Mom has misplaced it or another resident wandered off with it.
Can you put a small safe in her room, put everything she wants in it and keep the key? Then she is reassured she has her valuables and can look at them when you visit.
As far as cash, I would bring her about $50 in $1 bills. It looked like a lot and she had money to tip the lady in the beauty salon($2 at a time, lol). It was more for security for her, I think, and it was little enough that if she lost it or misplaced it, we wouldn't go bankrupt.