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Famfinder, thanks for checking back. It's good to know the transition went well. This is something that I will probably have to do - alone! - this year for my 92-year-old mom. Side note regarding the "lying"...there is something called the therapeutic lie - a white lie that you tell those with memory issues, not to deceive, but to keep them calm and happy when they are obviously memory impaired. I am very honest, so whenever I traveled out of state I would try and let my mom know where I was going. The result was always some degree of upset while I was gone. On the advice of her caregivers, on my last 3 trips, I have said nothing. Just called with conversation as if I was there. NO upset! It felt very weird to tell these "lies" but in reality I was doing her a favor.
Hi. Thanks. I believe we can all help and learn from one another. One thing with regards to letting Mom know when I am in or out of town. We figured out that whenever she calls me and I answer the phone she believes I am at home! Why? Because that is what her generations use of a phone means. She could never understand cell phones or technology. And just today she was talking to me on how you never put clothes in the dryer because it ruins them. Always the clothes line. Sometimes we forget they are going backwards while we are going forwards with regards to technology. After a month, she has adapted well and even calls her new place home. :)
Glad to hear that the transition went well! BIG sigh of relief for you!
I have suggested similar "methods" before... work needs to be done, and with their often limited sense of time, one can just keep putting the "repairs" off. Prior to mom's injury I had suggested my brother mess with the temperature (he installed a Nest thermostat, which he could monitor/adjust remotely.) Make it too hot, then too cold, then just tell her it's near/is winter, we need to fix it but you'll need to move while the work is done. Defer when she asks - waiting for parts, delay in work, etc. He went with the phony hospital letter instead. The funniest part? The heating system DID die!!! Fortunately she was already out, so it didn't impact her, but it was late fall, so we had to get it done ASAP before winter.
Blaming doctors is also another good method - then they can direct some of their anger or resentment at the doc, not you!
"After we got her out we discovered that the home does have some significant issues that we are now addressing, but it will take months if not more than a year to repair as we are doing it on our weekends and vacation holidays." Oh I can relate! It is about 1.5 hour each way for me to mom's old condo. One brother working, the other not local, so who gets to arrange all the moving and repairs, meaning 3 hours travel and hours for whatever is being done, sucked up way too many days! Having taken over finances and other "help" for her back in 2015, it is now going on 4 years. Takes away time for stuff I need or want to do, often interrupting plans to get something done (call from facility, need to address it.) It took us over a year and a half to get the condo cleared/cleaned out and fixed before we could sell it! Even after sale I get all the work figuring out/dealing with how we handle the capital gains (living trust, so %age went to each of us, we put our share back into the trust for her.) I also am the one who visits most, handles appointments, gets needed supplies, manages the finances, etc. In addition, a lot of her crap ended up at my house (WHY ME???) I had plans to go through my own stuff, once all the needed fixing of this place I bought gets done, weed out stuff so my kids won't have to deal with it all and now I have MORE crap to deal with! Fixing my place has delays due to lack of time, money and no reliable help!
Also great to hear that she isn't overly distraught losing her pup! Any chance of a visit? We can bring one of my daughter's dogs in, provided we show rabies cert. If it would distress your mom, then no, don't. If it might please her to visit, see if the facility will allow it. If she wants the dog to stay after that visit, the old vet excuse - we have appointment tomorrow, have to get her ready!
"Her dementia had caused her to never want to leave the house except for doctor visits." Can relate there too. Mom was self-isolating herself. Less and less often would she go to the senior center for events with the other ladies (they used to all go with bells on, but mom started to make excuses not to go there or to the doctor.) Even now when I show up to take her to an appointment, I get the usual litany: "Oh god. Do I have to go? Why do I have to go? I'm fine, I don't need this." etc. Something that sometimes helps is to mark it on a pocket calendar I got for her (the full size one disappeared!) If she balks, then I have to play mom to mom and just say "comon' get your coat on, we have to go!"
Well, hoping for many years of contentment for you and your mom!
Thank you. It is good to know I am not alone. That others have gone through this. I heard, but wouldn't believe it that she would adjust in 2 weeks. She has completely adjusted and loves her many activities. Thank you again for your support.
I would like to say Thank you to everyone who posted. I also want to say that my fears of her adapting were unfounded. And we devised a plan that was not a lie, but is very open ended. The crawlspace underneath her house has flooded 2x in the last few years due to heavy rain. We created a letter from a Mold Remediation Company that told her she had to evacuate and that her home was unsafe because of Mold. The truth is that for seniors over 65 it is recommended that they not live in such a home. We also blamed the doctor for calling the government agency to report the home. After we got her out we discovered that the home does have some significant issues that we are now addressing, but it will take months if not more than a year to repair as we are doing it on our weekends and vacation holidays. Mom's memory ... has declined such that she has no sense of time and believes that she has been in MC for months already. I was fearful that she would miss the dog but she has interestingly not mentioned him except once when I told her I had taken him to the vet. She told me that her new apartment was too small for a dog. We now understand how difficult it had become for her to care for him. I feel relieved for getting her into MC because it removes much of the stress on the family BUT it also ensures she is getting the care and socialization she so needs. She has responded very well. But we never would have believed it because of how paranoid and difficult she had been with regards to her leaving the house. Her dementia had caused her to never want to leave the house except for doctor visits. Thank you again for everyone's support and advice.
Regarding the loss of her dog: In your mother's case, does the MC chosen not allow pets? Two residents at mom's place have had a cat and a dog - the dog has since removed. He was too big to have cooped up in a room and/or wandering the common areas. The cat is fine. He stays in his room and seems content. In mom's place I'm sure if the resident can care for it, they would allow a small dog, but many residents are not capable of taking full care of them. Are you keeping the dog? Our facility allows visits, with proof their rabies vaccination is up to date. Perhaps you can bring the dog in for visits? Check with admin.
If not, the options for robotic pets are getting better all the time! One brother bought mom a cat that purrs, raises its paw and "licks" it, opens/closes eyes, rolls over for belly rubs, etc! This came well before the move. Although she is NOT a pet person (she tolerated ours when growing up), her initial response was what I predicted: What did you waste money on this for, and why didn't you give it to your sister (me, as I am the Crazy Cat Lady!) But, she is fascinated by it, even to this day. Later she had a picture of a little white dog and said she was going to ask younger brother to get one for her. No way would she be able to care for one! Older brother got her a little robot dog later, on leash, barks, walks, pants, wags tail, etc. Still marvels at what they can do, but no more requests for a dog (long forgotten anyway, and when I could I removed the picture she had so as to remove the "reminder".)
Fibbing/little white lies can be your friend. Some people may be told the truth and might begrudgingly accept it, most will not. If possible, lay the blame elsewhere (doctor, etc.) Both fibs and moving mom will bring on guilt, but let it go. The easiest move would be what others have dealt with - hospital or rehab to MC... then you can fudge it... doctor orders... just until you get better/stronger, etc. Fibs (white lies) was something I did not care for, however fibs to protect vs fibs to hurt are not the same. It gets easier with time and makes life simpler for both of you.
Despite mom saying often she had to clean/clear up stuff in case she had to "get outta here", that didn't happen. Asking what she meant, she said AL. When the time came, she was adamant that she'd NEVER go live in one of those places and insisted that she was fine, independent and could cook (only in her mind!) We tried starting with minimal help coming in, but after a few months she refused to let them in (I'm fine, independent and can cook!)
This is what brought me here initially - attorney says we cannot drag her out, facility says no committals (guardianship.) Alrighty then, what are we supposed to do? Staff said get her there and they would take over. We got things set up (new furniture as it wasn't possible to move her stuff AND her), had the move scheduled and the day before one brother arrived prior to move, neighbor reports mom injured her leg. Had brother send me a picture (I could not go at the time.) Cellulitis. ER trip and it delayed the move a few days. I left the move to brothers. I figured I would get blame anyway, so chose to avoid the move. When younger brother did all talking and took car key, I was there. Fibbing helped with the car - the next day she accused me of taking her car key and I could honestly say I didn't touch it! When she asked who did, I replied you're so smart, you figure it out and hung up (she was incredibly nasty about it, so I didn't feel bad with what I said and did!) I recommended he disable the car as I knew she had another key. Sure enough, the next day an even nastier call came demanding I get down there right now and fix whatever I did to her car! Again, honest answer was that I didn't touch it!
So, other brother typed up a phony letter from "Elder Services" at the hospital she was treated at. It said she either goes where we choose or they would place her. She was madder than a wet hen, but reluctantly went. They used some Lorazepam as a way to calm her (not enough to dope her up, just enough to take the edge off.) For many months she hounded my younger brother to take her back to the condo. Never me, thankfully! That changed about 9 months later - out of the blue she asked me to drop her off at her mother's on my way home. Enter fib: look at watch, say it's a little late today, not on my way home, maybe tomorrow... Her mother passed over 40 years ago! No point in telling her that her mother is dead - it will hurt her AND she won't remember and you'll have to go through it all again! That little white lie was good enough! Leaves the door open, a little hope and then she will have time to forget! Shortly after that, the next request was a key to the place they lived in previously, over 23 years ago! Um, not with me, I'll check when I go home. Ok, if I had that I would go stay there tonight... surrrre, bet the current owners would love that!
It has now been 2 years. On a few occasions (my daughter or Canadian relatives visiting) she tells them it is not bad there, is nice she doesn't have to do anything, etc., however there are still times when she wants to get out and go back to that previous residence, which she now associates with her mother AND her father (gone 50+ years.) Other times (mostly holidays) she wants to know what her mother is doing. Most of the time it isn't an issue, but takes fibs to get through... change of subject/giving a vague 'later' response is usually enough. Depends on the person
I have a suggestion to ease her pain in having to give up her dog. As a dog-lover who has had to live in a situation where no dogs are allowed, I found that a stuffed dog of the breed I most recently owned was surprisingly comforting. You might even try one of those that breathes like a real dog.
When we brought our mother to the nursing home, we mentioned that it was "until she got stronger". I told my sister that to a large extent this is true although we both realized it was unlikely she would. For a while she was asking "why am I here?" and this was the answer we gave. She eventually quit asking it. It's a bit strange in a way because when she had to go to the hospital for a UTI and other needs, she was afraid they wouldn't treat her because they would decide she was "too old"!
I was able to tell my brother that he was going to rehabilitation. He was in and out of the hospital for years with leg wounds that won't heal. So, he was conditioned to being in that setting when discharged from the hospital. I still went through all the guilt. While he was able, I would take him out for a drive, ice cream, lunch and he would be thrilled. Now, I can't do that and feel terrible, but he is SAFE. That is the most important thing to keep reminding yourself. It doesn't take all your pain and anxiety away, but it puts on a milder simmer. God Bless
Both my parents are in memory care.. and I would have never gotten them there without some creative fibbing. No one is excited to go to a higher level of care facility..no matter how needed it is or how nice it is. With dementia, they had no ability to reason as to why they couldn't live independently any longer. .. any discussion I had with them on the subject would have been quickly forgotten.
I am not going to lie to you tho.. it was the hardest thing I have ever done in my life..it was heart wrenching and stressful..... and almost a year and a half later... I still feel the affects of it.
It does get somewhat easier as time goes on.. good luck to you!
hi, my name is vicky and I just wanted to say thanks for your response. my mother is 94 and in pretty good health but over the last year has been diagnosed with cognitive memory problems and we have been on a roller coaster ride most of the time. sad & crying, aggressive ugly behavior sometimes and I am an only child so I've been the only one dealing with the issue and things seem to be getting worse and I really don't know how to handle things, knowing mother right now she will never accept going to any kind of facility but I know probably sooner than later I will have to make some tough decisions. so I can feel your stress and heartache. will remember you in my prayers. God Bless.
Not always true about the "white lies", Windyridge is correct. My mom went from the hospital, back home for about a month and a half. We told her it was until she got better and stronger. If there are memory issues, they will not recall how long they have been there and safety is the most important. Falling & hygiene were the 2 biggies for my mom. She is cared for daily, meals & activities.
There will be confrontations when you visit & sometimes my mom even tells me to get out, just keep going back. It is their frustrations coming out, not at you, but at the situation. You are the one there, so it gets taken out on you.
Even though they say "how could you do this to me", know that you deserve a life too and are trying to do the best for everyone. It is gut wrenching at times, but stay strong, mom needs you! xo
Unfortunately, that is only true for those without dementia. 😥😒 We tried that with my mil. Told her we were going away for a few days and that her favorite companion was coming to keep her company. We thought she might enjoy having some time away from us, etc. During this conversation, she was very lucid and understanding. Then she went to her Adult Day Center, and was slamming her walker lid and blaming us for abandoning her. This was several days before we were to go. It continued like this and she wasn't sleeping, so we finally had to tell her that we cancelled the trip. This made her much happier. We are now getting ready for a longer vacation and we are planning to place her in the nursing home for 9 days. We have not told her of these plans and we don't plan to. The staff at the nursing home, who know her well, have suggested we don't mention it at all. We will take her Monday morning as though she was going to the daycare and I will set up her room and then we will leave saying goodbye but not telling her our plans. This does feel off to us but we know she is not able to handle it any other way.
Not always best. Just suggesting AL, our mom flat out said she would NEVER live in one of those places. Well, given that she would not move ANYWHERE but could not be left alone in her condo, we had to find a way to move her.
We were TOLD by the elder care attorney we could not "drag her out of the house". So, if we tell the truth about where she is going, and she says no, THEN what cetude? Leave her alone to die???? She injured her leg just before the planned move and developed cellulitis, which delayed the move a bit. IF we had not been planning to move her, this could have killed her. She did NOT have enough sense to know how serious this baseball sized wound on her leg was, never sought medical advice, never told one of us.
So, by your reckoning, she would be dead. nice suggestion.
We told Mom she was going somewhere where she could get more attention and care. She said, oh thank you so much, that is what I have been wanting! Who knew? The only thing she remarked on is that she wished there was a door that went in and out but that some people there needed that.
Thank you to everyone who replied. I think it is hardest on me... I don't like the fibs but I know it is best. SHE WOULD NEVER GO if we just suggested it. The Doctor has told us it is past due. We have to take the dog away from her too and this will break her heart. I'm most worried about how she will react after she is in and realizes what has happened. She has some days that seem normal to me, but the Doc assures me that she is masking her symptoms. She was a psych nurse for 20 years.
Depending on the severity of your mom's condition, I agree that some little white lies and maybe over simplification of the situation could be in order.
I guess you need to get your "story" ready. What will you say to get her in the car? To get her to go in? To stay? Going to be really tough, but being prepared will be very helpful.
Maybe blame one of her doctors? "The doctor said you need to stay here so these nice people can help you" type of thing? "I know you don't want to be here, but the doctor said it's for the best." I have no idea if that will work but you'll come up with something.
Don’t tell her. If she’s ready for memory care she won’t remember much so why have that battle.
Its time for some fibbing and diverting. My mom went from the hospital directly to assisted living. We told her ITS JUST UNTIL YOU GET BETTER.
Dads short term memory was gone by then. I took him to visit mom, have lunch a couple times and told him YOU NEED TO STAY WITH MOM SO YOU CAN HELP HER.
It was still a huge rodeo for awhile but the fibs allowed me to at least get them placed and start the adjustment.
This is not easy. No elders ever volunteer to go into care. I wish you the best of luck.
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After a month, she has adapted well and even calls her new place home. :)
AHA! The phony letter trick!
Glad to hear that the transition went well! BIG sigh of relief for you!
I have suggested similar "methods" before... work needs to be done, and with their often limited sense of time, one can just keep putting the "repairs" off. Prior to mom's injury I had suggested my brother mess with the temperature (he installed a Nest thermostat, which he could monitor/adjust remotely.) Make it too hot, then too cold, then just tell her it's near/is winter, we need to fix it but you'll need to move while the work is done. Defer when she asks - waiting for parts, delay in work, etc. He went with the phony hospital letter instead. The funniest part? The heating system DID die!!! Fortunately she was already out, so it didn't impact her, but it was late fall, so we had to get it done ASAP before winter.
Blaming doctors is also another good method - then they can direct some of their anger or resentment at the doc, not you!
"After we got her out we discovered that the home does have some significant issues that we are now addressing, but it will take months if not more than a year to repair as we are doing it on our weekends and vacation holidays."
Oh I can relate! It is about 1.5 hour each way for me to mom's old condo. One brother working, the other not local, so who gets to arrange all the moving and repairs, meaning 3 hours travel and hours for whatever is being done, sucked up way too many days! Having taken over finances and other "help" for her back in 2015, it is now going on 4 years. Takes away time for stuff I need or want to do, often interrupting plans to get something done (call from facility, need to address it.) It took us over a year and a half to get the condo cleared/cleaned out and fixed before we could sell it! Even after sale I get all the work figuring out/dealing with how we handle the capital gains (living trust, so %age went to each of us, we put our share back into the trust for her.) I also am the one who visits most, handles appointments, gets needed supplies, manages the finances, etc. In addition, a lot of her crap ended up at my house (WHY ME???) I had plans to go through my own stuff, once all the needed fixing of this place I bought gets done, weed out stuff so my kids won't have to deal with it all and now I have MORE crap to deal with! Fixing my place has delays due to lack of time, money and no reliable help!
Also great to hear that she isn't overly distraught losing her pup! Any chance of a visit? We can bring one of my daughter's dogs in, provided we show rabies cert. If it would distress your mom, then no, don't. If it might please her to visit, see if the facility will allow it. If she wants the dog to stay after that visit, the old vet excuse - we have appointment tomorrow, have to get her ready!
"Her dementia had caused her to never want to leave the house except for doctor visits."
Can relate there too. Mom was self-isolating herself. Less and less often would she go to the senior center for events with the other ladies (they used to all go with bells on, but mom started to make excuses not to go there or to the doctor.) Even now when I show up to take her to an appointment, I get the usual litany: "Oh god. Do I have to go? Why do I have to go? I'm fine, I don't need this." etc. Something that sometimes helps is to mark it on a pocket calendar I got for her (the full size one disappeared!) If she balks, then I have to play mom to mom and just say "comon' get your coat on, we have to go!"
Well, hoping for many years of contentment for you and your mom!
Thank you again for your support.
Mom's memory ... has declined such that she has no sense of time and believes that she has been in MC for months already. I was fearful that she would miss the dog but she has interestingly not mentioned him except once when I told her I had taken him to the vet. She told me that her new apartment was too small for a dog. We now understand how difficult it had become for her to care for him.
I feel relieved for getting her into MC because it removes much of the stress on the family BUT it also ensures she is getting the care and socialization she so needs. She has responded very well. But we never would have believed it because of how paranoid and difficult she had been with regards to her leaving the house. Her dementia had caused her to never want to leave the house except for doctor visits.
Thank you again for everyone's support and advice.
In your mother's case, does the MC chosen not allow pets? Two residents at mom's place have had a cat and a dog - the dog has since removed. He was too big to have cooped up in a room and/or wandering the common areas. The cat is fine. He stays in his room and seems content. In mom's place I'm sure if the resident can care for it, they would allow a small dog, but many residents are not capable of taking full care of them. Are you keeping the dog? Our facility allows visits, with proof their rabies vaccination is up to date. Perhaps you can bring the dog in for visits? Check with admin.
If not, the options for robotic pets are getting better all the time! One brother bought mom a cat that purrs, raises its paw and "licks" it, opens/closes eyes, rolls over for belly rubs, etc! This came well before the move. Although she is NOT a pet person (she tolerated ours when growing up), her initial response was what I predicted: What did you waste money on this for, and why didn't you give it to your sister (me, as I am the Crazy Cat Lady!) But, she is fascinated by it, even to this day. Later she had a picture of a little white dog and said she was going to ask younger brother to get one for her. No way would she be able to care for one! Older brother got her a little robot dog later, on leash, barks, walks, pants, wags tail, etc. Still marvels at what they can do, but no more requests for a dog (long forgotten anyway, and when I could I removed the picture she had so as to remove the "reminder".)
Despite mom saying often she had to clean/clear up stuff in case she had to "get outta here", that didn't happen. Asking what she meant, she said AL. When the time came, she was adamant that she'd NEVER go live in one of those places and insisted that she was fine, independent and could cook (only in her mind!) We tried starting with minimal help coming in, but after a few months she refused to let them in (I'm fine, independent and can cook!)
This is what brought me here initially - attorney says we cannot drag her out, facility says no committals (guardianship.) Alrighty then, what are we supposed to do? Staff said get her there and they would take over. We got things set up (new furniture as it wasn't possible to move her stuff AND her), had the move scheduled and the day before one brother arrived prior to move, neighbor reports mom injured her leg. Had brother send me a picture (I could not go at the time.) Cellulitis. ER trip and it delayed the move a few days. I left the move to brothers. I figured I would get blame anyway, so chose to avoid the move. When younger brother did all talking and took car key, I was there. Fibbing helped with the car - the next day she accused me of taking her car key and I could honestly say I didn't touch it! When she asked who did, I replied you're so smart, you figure it out and hung up (she was incredibly nasty about it, so I didn't feel bad with what I said and did!) I recommended he disable the car as I knew she had another key. Sure enough, the next day an even nastier call came demanding I get down there right now and fix whatever I did to her car! Again, honest answer was that I didn't touch it!
So, other brother typed up a phony letter from "Elder Services" at the hospital she was treated at. It said she either goes where we choose or they would place her. She was madder than a wet hen, but reluctantly went. They used some Lorazepam as a way to calm her (not enough to dope her up, just enough to take the edge off.) For many months she hounded my younger brother to take her back to the condo. Never me, thankfully! That changed about 9 months later - out of the blue she asked me to drop her off at her mother's on my way home. Enter fib: look at watch, say it's a little late today, not on my way home, maybe tomorrow... Her mother passed over 40 years ago! No point in telling her that her mother is dead - it will hurt her AND she won't remember and you'll have to go through it all again! That little white lie was good enough! Leaves the door open, a little hope and then she will have time to forget! Shortly after that, the next request was a key to the place they lived in previously, over 23 years ago! Um, not with me, I'll check when I go home. Ok, if I had that I would go stay there tonight... surrrre, bet the current owners would love that!
It has now been 2 years. On a few occasions (my daughter or Canadian relatives visiting) she tells them it is not bad there, is nice she doesn't have to do anything, etc., however there are still times when she wants to get out and go back to that previous residence, which she now associates with her mother AND her father (gone 50+ years.) Other times (mostly holidays) she wants to know what her mother is doing. Most of the time it isn't an issue, but takes fibs to get through... change of subject/giving a vague 'later' response is usually enough. Depends on the person
While he was able, I would take him out for a drive, ice cream, lunch and he would be thrilled. Now, I can't do that and feel terrible, but he is SAFE. That is the most important thing to keep reminding yourself. It doesn't take all your pain and anxiety away, but it puts on a milder simmer. God Bless
I am not going to lie to you tho.. it was the hardest thing I have ever done in my life..it was heart wrenching and stressful..... and almost a year and a half later... I still feel the affects of it.
It does get somewhat easier as time goes on.. good luck to you!
There will be confrontations when you visit & sometimes my mom even tells me to get out, just keep going back. It is their frustrations coming out, not at you, but at the situation. You are the one there, so it gets taken out on you.
Even though they say "how could you do this to me", know that you deserve a life too and are trying to do the best for everyone. It is gut wrenching at times, but stay strong, mom needs you! xo
We tried that with my mil. Told her we were going away for a few days and that her favorite companion was coming to keep her company. We thought she might enjoy having some time away from us, etc.
During this conversation, she was very lucid and understanding. Then she went to her Adult Day Center, and was slamming her walker lid and blaming us for abandoning her. This was several days before we were to go. It continued like this and she wasn't sleeping, so we finally had to tell her that we cancelled the trip. This made her much happier.
We are now getting ready for a longer vacation and we are planning to place her in the nursing home for 9 days. We have not told her of these plans and we don't plan to. The staff at the nursing home, who know her well, have suggested we don't mention it at all. We will take her Monday morning as though she was going to the daycare and I will set up her room and then we will leave saying goodbye but not telling her our plans. This does feel off to us but we know she is not able to handle it any other way.
We were TOLD by the elder care attorney we could not "drag her out of the house". So, if we tell the truth about where she is going, and she says no, THEN what cetude? Leave her alone to die???? She injured her leg just before the planned move and developed cellulitis, which delayed the move a bit. IF we had not been planning to move her, this could have killed her. She did NOT have enough sense to know how serious this baseball sized wound on her leg was, never sought medical advice, never told one of us.
So, by your reckoning, she would be dead. nice suggestion.
I guess you need to get your "story" ready. What will you say to get her in the car? To get her to go in? To stay? Going to be really tough, but being prepared will be very helpful.
Maybe blame one of her doctors? "The doctor said you need to stay here so these nice people can help you" type of thing? "I know you don't want to be here, but the doctor said it's for the best." I have no idea if that will work but you'll come up with something.
Its time for some fibbing and diverting. My mom went from the hospital directly to assisted living. We told her ITS JUST UNTIL YOU GET BETTER.
Dads short term memory was gone by then. I took him to visit mom, have lunch a couple times and told him YOU NEED TO STAY WITH MOM SO YOU CAN HELP HER.
It was still a huge rodeo for awhile but the fibs allowed me to at least get them placed and start the adjustment.
This is not easy. No elders ever volunteer to go into care. I wish you the best of luck.