Age 66, husband has cancer. We have both been working remotely, and not even seeing our (local) kids except on Zoom. Mom wasn't sounding good, decided to drive to see her, as it’s been a year. She fell as we were leaving, was already extreme fall risk. We stay in VRBO due to her recurrent bedbug problems. She has 2 hip replacements, blown knees, foot problems, & hospital is getting her a rehab bed Monday She usually does awful with PT and leaves AMA, then time goes by, she falls again. This time, fractured sacrum. I do not want to make the 9 hour drive here again during COVID if she comes home and falls. The nurse with the home care agency agrees she has needed assisted living for some time. I am just looking for validation re my own COVID fears re traveling back
"I can't possibly do that, Mom", is a good way to put it.
Sometimes I call this "enabling the illusion of independence".
Your mother is clearly failing at living independently if she has recurring bedbug problems. Her home is no longer a safe place for her to live. Let the discharge folks do their work.
If she leaves rehab AMA, they will probably call APS. But as stated above, if she is of sound mind, she is allowed to make bad decisions.
But that doesn't mean you have to support them.
https://www.aginglifecare.org/ALCA/About_Aging_Life_Care/What_you_need_to_know/ALCA/About_Aging_Life_Care/What_you_need_to_know.aspx
https://www.aginglifecare.org/ALCA/About_Aging_Life_Care/Find_an_Aging_Life_Care_Expert/ALCA/About_Aging_Life_Care/Search/Find_an_Expert.aspx?hkey=78a6cb03-e912-4993-9b68-df1573e9d8af
It took time & a lot of mental effort to position myself better. Into what I call 'a caring advocate role' - instead of the 'on call helper' position I was in. By 'helping' I was encouraging the 'facade of independance'. By not rushing in to help, the needs were more clearly seen by medical professionals.
The Doctor conformed Anosognosia (lack of ability to perceive the realities of one's own condition). This also helped me to see it wasn't just stubbornness.
I do not visit at all. I am not willing to increase my Covid risk.
It's very wise to be be considering your Covid risk seriously. Adding to your DH's Covid risk is the last thing you want. Take care.
Will it be easier for you if she’s geographically nearer to you? Do your research now, and find a place that YOU feel comfortable as a potential residence for her.
Do you have POA? Will you have finances available to manage her residential care near you (if you will be more comfortable being near her?).
Will you be comfortable using a “carrot on a stick” to manage her care when she refuses to cooperate?
Your mantra MUST be “Safety before all other concerns”. That means safety for her AND ALSO safety for people who love her and have run out of other caregiving options.
The fear (for the responsible caregiver!) is REAL (Mom will be mad, Mom will react in a way that may make her condition worse, Mom won’t love me any more), but part of you new caregiving job is to work through all this new, brutally hard stuff, (whoever imagined a year ago that we’d be adding PANDEMIC to all this?), and make the terrible, unpleasant, not what you OR Mom want decisions that will result in the safest, most objective, most humane decisions you can think of going forward, FOR ALL OF YOU.
You’re not alone. We all got to this site because the things that are happening to you and your LOs have happened to us, and we’ve worried through them and wept through them. We’ve tried to keep love and respect and concern in the equation, and sought the often painful compromise.
Take good care of yourself, do the best you can. That’s all you can do, and that’s enough.