Mom-in-law (95) with memory loss, what can I expect?
She is stubborn, independent and changing before my eyes.
The family consists of her, my husband (only child) and myself.
She lives in an independent apt ($3100 monthly plus $575 extra for med distribution)with assistance with her meds because of her failure to take them properly.
Dr said a diagnosis of Alzheimer's or dementia wouldn't be correct, as at 95 it is memory loss.
She goes to activities alone in her wheelchair and eats good. She loves my husband dearly but is always giving him a guilt trip about something.
She thinks Dr is out to get her by having facility give her the meds.
She doesn't shower anymore or wash her hair. She takes sink side baths. To mention hygiene to her, wow. You can't get a word in. She will talk over you, then call back again to say we don't "build her up enough". That people there like her, that she is popular. She has never had lady friends.
Her memory is such now that she will, for instance... Call numerous times this week accusing husband of taking a stack of business cards from her drawer. And other things.
What else should I expect is coming?
What can I be doing?
Husband has always been afraid to offend her and is not helpful.
Mom's memory got so bad she couldn't work the appliances, burned pots, barely ate, got confused, never washed, wore filthy clothes and we got the doctor to fill out the physical form that she could no longer live alone.
We moved her to AL (where she was still uncooperative, but at least they monitored her) Within the year, she became weaker and she is now in a NH in a wheelchair where they do everything for her. At this point, she is more cooperative, doesn't talk much, lives in the moment but seems to have settled down. Antidepressants help. Sorry you are going through this. It isn't an easy road
What can you expect? Things to change randomly and suddenly. Skills & abilities that were there today will be gone tomorrow. Don't chastise her for it.
Things will become exceptionally difficult and IL will not be the right place. She needs to be where she is getting memory care services and that is NOT independent or assisted living. They have limits on the care provided in those kinds of facilities.
Behaviors like swearing, paranoia, hallucinations, delusional beliefs will happen. They can't be changed with logic and reason.
I would have her see a geriatric specialist and find out different opinions. Just because she's 95 doesn't mean her wellbeing doesn't county anymore. My mother's old coot GP let her dementia go on for over 10 years and never said anything to her about it other than "stop being silly", "get out more", "get more rest". Not helpful. Some doctors treat elderly women like they are invisible or no longer matter and that makes me so furious.
At some point it doesn't matter what kind of dementia your mom has because everyone will end up needing 24/7 special care and handling as their brain misleads them and gives them bad information about what they see, hear, feel, and smell.
This site will help you read & learn about the general stages and how to tackle specific issues on this journey.
Don't be afraid to move MIL up to a higher level of care. None of this is going to get better, lessen, or let up. The staff will handle her hygiene. They aren't going to let a resident sit in their stink. It's a major part of keeping skin on the backside intact.
You might be surprised at how much anxiety you can let go of once she's getting more care.
She has been at this multi generational place 8 yrs already. They offer different lovely buildings for different levels of care.
Thank the Lord she and husband had some finances in place, but at this price she only has enough for a few more years.
She will vehemently refuse to move to a higher level of care and I am realizing, it will be necessary.
Husband is her DPOA and drops any subject when she begins to fuss.
Doing it this way removed the blame (and guilt) from us to the doctor and IL and gave her no choice but to move to the next level of care.
In AL, the staff handled her hygiene (which she fought big time) but they won't let her smell. They will also get your mother more involved with people, there is assigned seating at mealtimes and they match personalities so tablemates are comfortable with each other.
https://www.agingcare.com/Alzheimers-Dementia
Please get your husband to do some reading on this site, and/or watch some Teepa Snow videos. And remember, it's HIS mom. Step back as necessary.