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I. How We Work in Washington. Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services. APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
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III. When We Tour. APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
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V. Complaints. Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights. APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.I agree that: A.I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information"). B.APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink. C.APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site. D.If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records. E.This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year. F.You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
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Very toxic, co-dependent relationship w/ [narcissistic] mother - stayed away for a long time but got sucked back in as caregiver for 15 yrs. Just moved away to save my sanity. Looking for support instead of beating myself up.
Hi rsynal, if I understand correctly, you've already contributed immensely to her care...15 yrs? Wow, that's more than enough for anybody! I'm glad you put some distance between yourself & the situation now,...that shud help you. It's amazing how long some folks live, & with no end in sight, it's reasonable to focus on your own life. (Many folks at my mother's facility had family living out of state, only visiting on some holidays). It's a fact of life sometimes. I'm sure you like the facility & staff taking care of your mother, so all is well. (God isn't angry with u over it either, so pray about it & let Him take your guilt away). He understands all you've been through, & knows you tried your best already. Hope that helps u allow urself some peace. 💟
Being a caregiver is hard even in the best of circumstances. So much harder when things are complicated.
Situations are rarely ‘black and white.’ There are many things to consider. Doesn’t it seem like our lives end up on the back burner when caring for others?
After awhile this can take an enormous toll on us. The end result is that we pay a price either emotionally, physically or both. I sense that you have paid your dues. Am I right?
So consider your debt paid in full. Not that you owed her anything but we always feel as if we do, don’t we? I know I always did.
I was in the same boat. I had to move on as well. I had my mom for nearly 15 years in my home and years before that in her home. It’s a grind, for sure.
I wish you the very best and all the happiness that life has to offer. Enjoy! You have earned it! Take care.
Everyone has to die somewhere. At 91 it very likely may be a facility. There could be the viewpoint that she is somewhere where she will be cared for. Many elderly people are living at home in subpar conditions for a host of reasons.
I don't understand what you are guilty about. Does that guilt tell you she should be home with you tending to all her needs at this advanced age. That would create resentment from you. How can that be therapeutic or beneficial for either of you.
Many here have had pasts with parents that can be hard to come to terms with. We may not ever be able to totally but if we find we are able to feel positivity even if in small increments it can seem like an achievement. It is what I look and hope for on a regular basis. I hope you can stop beating yourself up.
Oftentimes I think to myself the only time I'll feel totally guilt free is once my mother passes away. Then again, I'll likely find something to blame myself for after she dies ALSO. Why? Because that's how I've been programmed. Since I was old enough to understand language, I was taught that my mother could Do No Wrong. That she was Perfect. That if anyone EVER said anything against her, that I should stand up for her no matter if she was " a bum in the street or a streetwalker". I was coached to believe that there was no such thing as real friends, because everyone was jealous and out to get me. That my only real friend on earth was My Mother. The only one person I could trust in the whole ugly world was her. I was taught that my mother should be the central focus of my entire life, because she Loves Me and is the Only One Who Does Or Ever Will.
So, with that kind of programming, how would I be able to feel anything BUT guilty, no matter HOW much I did for her? She always reminds me how what I'm doing ISN'T enough, just in case I had no guilty feelings tearing me up at that particular moment.......so, that's it in a nutshell.
Stand back and be an observer to the nonsense instead of a player. See things for what they are. The true reality vs. her twisted version of reality. And the only way to be able to do that is to get OUT of the madness, once and for all. While inside the crazy house, you can't really see the magnitude of the manipulations and the mind games. Once you get out, things get a lot clearer, thank God.
It's okay to take care of YOU now. It's okay that mother is being cared for by others in a safe environment. It's okay that you moved away and have your own life now. It's okay to realize mother is mentally ill. It's okay to refuse to be dragged down into the rabbit hole with her ANY MORE. It's okay to say ENOUGH. You deserve it.
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
Stick to your guns and do only what you can for her.
You deserve to have some happiness in your life as much as she does, don't forget that you matter.
She has lived a very long time on her own terms, now you must live yours.
Sending support your way!
Being a caregiver is hard even in the best of circumstances. So much harder when things are complicated.
Situations are rarely ‘black and white.’ There are many things to consider. Doesn’t it seem like our lives end up on the back burner when caring for others?
After awhile this can take an enormous toll on us. The end result is that we pay a price either emotionally, physically or both. I sense that you have paid your dues. Am I right?
So consider your debt paid in full. Not that you owed her anything but we always feel as if we do, don’t we? I know I always did.
I was in the same boat. I had to move on as well. I had my mom for nearly 15 years in my home and years before that in her home. It’s a grind, for sure.
I wish you the very best and all the happiness that life has to offer. Enjoy! You have earned it! Take care.
I don't understand what you are guilty about. Does that guilt tell you she should be home with you tending to all her needs at this advanced age. That would create resentment from you. How can that be therapeutic or beneficial for either of you.
Many here have had pasts with parents that can be hard to come to terms with. We may not ever be able to totally but if we find we are able to feel positivity even if in small increments it can seem like an achievement. It is what I look and hope for on a regular basis. I hope you can stop beating yourself up.
So, with that kind of programming, how would I be able to feel anything BUT guilty, no matter HOW much I did for her? She always reminds me how what I'm doing ISN'T enough, just in case I had no guilty feelings tearing me up at that particular moment.......so, that's it in a nutshell.
Stand back and be an observer to the nonsense instead of a player. See things for what they are. The true reality vs. her twisted version of reality. And the only way to be able to do that is to get OUT of the madness, once and for all. While inside the crazy house, you can't really see the magnitude of the manipulations and the mind games. Once you get out, things get a lot clearer, thank God.
It's okay to take care of YOU now.
It's okay that mother is being cared for by others in a safe environment.
It's okay that you moved away and have your own life now.
It's okay to realize mother is mentally ill.
It's okay to refuse to be dragged down into the rabbit hole with her ANY MORE.
It's okay to say ENOUGH.
You deserve it.
He still can't figure out how I grew a spine and learned to say no.
The levels he stoops to trying to regain control is comical.
Crazy isn't genetic fortunately.