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Skip the “…..what did I do….”. If she has dementia she will not grasp the complexities of her needs or yours.
Shift to how much and why you love her, how happy you are that she will be able to meet new friends, how lovely the dining room is, all the pleasant people who will be able to help her…….make a list, and focus on it. If nothing else works you may need to resort to “…….your doctor said…..”.
Bear in mind that adjustment may take more time than you’ll be comfortable with. Expect her to rely on the MC staff to get more comfortable little by little.
Keep in touch with the staff to be able to give her the support she needs.
Ths is one f the hardest adjustments for you too. Be good to yourself.
I read every word. I guess I should have been more specific my apologies. By "lie" I meant from your post that you meant in a way, tell her things that won't upset her. No need to Yell
Keep the answers just as repetitive as she keeps asking. Keep them simple without explanation such things as she is there for safety or for until the doctor says she can safely go home. Many times a doctor has to fill paperwork that she is incompetent. So, to me, it is not considered a lie. For example, my brother asked me not to tell my mom after he passed, because the continual brain loop would just have her ask over and over and she would just receive the same shocking news. I would respond to her that I have not seen him for a while. That was the end of the question.
Emphasize “Look at that beautiful (flower arrangement, table with people who are friends now), isn’t that sweet aide nice to us,” and instead of what she did bad to get there, repeat that she must have done something good. Then change the subject.
Rams04, when I moved my Dad to memory care from his senior independent living apartment, I used a "therapeutic fib". I told him the new apartment would be cheaper, and his face lit up as he was big on saving money. Of course, the new apartment did cost more, but Dad didn't need to know that. Later he joked about now living in a college dorm room.
With a worsening dementia that is more than likely the reason Mom had to enter MC, it may not matter how you respond because there is no ability to understand and retain the information you give. I would keep it short and simple and say "Mom, I know right now this is hard for you to understand, but you are here because you need care, and we want to keep you safe because we love you." Just keep stressing safety and love together and keep it short. She will be unlikely to be happy, but she may adjust with time.
I hope your mother will be happier, and you. I hope you find a good way forward.
By the way, your mother asking “What did I do wrong?” can also be just another expression for…
-What did I do to deserve being put here? -What did I ever do to you, that you decided to put me here? -Get me out of here. -I don’t deserve to be put here. -Etc.
In other words, not that she really believes she’s done anything wrong. But that she wants to get out.
Keep telling her that you love her and that she is in a place where she will get good care. Ask if there is anything she needs for her apartment or to make her comfortable. She may be one of those who don't know that they have dementia. Or she may be in denial about her state. She is not happy there now, but in time will probably adjust, especially if she can make friends there. Visit her as often as you can and take her out for walks or excursioins, if weather permits and if she seems to like it. Attend activities with her, see if she is making friends. Talk to her case manager and see if they can bring in someone to counsel and talk to her (and help her adjust). Try not to feel guilty. Dementia is likely to get worse, and she'll need more care over time. All the best to you and your mother. I hope she feels happier in time.
was it a move from AL to MC in same facility? Tell her it's not anything u did Its a staffing in issue,, or where s bed availablity . I don't decide these things I just need to know if u being taken care of ok. U have everything Need What do u think of this new place,? Maybe there is something she is missing that u could get for her. And I love u mom.
I don't understand the lie controversy. I was told by ADRC staff that I need to understand what reality my dad was living in and do everything in my ability to support the reality he's living in even if it rerequires lying.
Try a distraction. Does her room have a window that can partially be opened? If so, open it so the sun shines in and can hear the chirping birds. With dementia, keep it quiet and very simple.
I told mom they were doing some work in one apartment (plumbing, painting, etc.) so we were moving to a different apartment where all the work had already been done. Once I decorated the memory care room with all of her familiar things, she didn't even know the difference.
The move was within the same facility (from AL to MC). The facility took mom to the memory care side to spend the day, every day for two weeks prior to the move. So she was already in a routine and had met people prior to the actual move.
I always told mom that I needed her to be somewhere close by and safe while I was at work. That seemed to pacify her. Whenever she says can I come live with you, I just tell her that I am not home because I work and it's not safe for her to be there alone. Those matter of fact answers seemed to pacify her. Maybe something like that would work with your mom as well.
Makes a lot of sense when dealing with a loved one who by nature has always been 'matter of fact' in healthy times; example: my mom was in complete denial of the various features of her decline; because of that she resisted any efforts to assist her until after one doctor visit she amazed me by asking, "I would just like to know Why I Have Been Having Such a Hard Time Lately?" I took a deep breath, and said, "If you really want to know, I can tell you." She took a very long few moments and said, "yes." So I told her, in simple terms, what her diagnosis was; her response, "Then I guess I will go ahead and get That Meals On Wheels." It was amazing; what remained of her naturally practical nature then let her cooperate with the things that would make her life easier even if she didn't really understand the details.
By virtue of her being in memory care unit, she most likely will repeat the question or others over and over. Her " short term " memory is limited hence she does not remember asking the question nor the answer given. Tell her you love her and her safety is important; then redirect the conversation to something else positive; the sunshine, music, other conversation about anything she may have had interest in past; look at photos or magazines together. Invite her to take a walk , if she is ambulatory or use her wheelchair to facilitate a change in venue Don't wear yourself out " trying to make her understand". Dementia/ memory care illnesses limit severely ones ability to understand or remember. Tell her you love her, she is safe and redirect.
Aw, so sad. It hard because it is such a big change for them AND they don't understand. Of course ket her know she did nothing wrong. Emphasize safety. Don't mention the dementia or anything about her, but that you can't be hone with her, and you want her in a safe place where you know they will take good care of her. Also bring all her key familiar things that you can. Pictures, confort things. A stuffed animal she can relate to. Visit and have other familiar people visit as much as possible. Seeing her to sleep at first is an important one.
What did I do to deserve such a loving and kind mother? Did I do something wonderful or did God decide to give me the best guardian angel he could find.
When dementia is in the house, we can never apply logic and reason to the situation OURSELVES. We don't expect the loved one with dementia to use reason and logic, yet we listen to nonsense from others telling us "never LIE to your loved one with dementia", which is applying logic to an illogical and abnormal situation riddled with a brain disease, a/k/a Dementia.
While we wouldn't "lie" under ordinary circumstances, we will "lie" all day long in an effort to pacify a loved one with dementia and/or to keep them calm and relaxed. That is the only goal we have when caring for a loved one suffering the cruel and inhumane disorder known as dementia.
We can call it 'therapeutic fibs' if we like, or we call it 'lying' or we can call it 'chocolate cake', what's the difference? My mother asked me CONSTANTLY where her mother was, and if she was hiding in the Memory Care ALF she lived in? If I used the logic here on AgingCare we see from time to time about Never Lie To Your Loved One, I would have told her no less than 1,000,000,000 times that her mother was dead and buried in the cemetery and had been since 1985. Which would have had her crying each and every one of the 1,000,000,000 times she asked me about grandma. Dumb thing to do, not to mention Cruel.
So we lie. Like rugs sometimes, in an effort to keep our mom's or dad's happy & content. Period. And it's not a 'horrible thing' or a 'sin' or anything bad at all, but a necessary evil to keep our loved ones calm & happy with the life they're now saddled with. Unfortunately. It's the least we can do to be kind to them.
Rams, no matter what you tell your mom about why she's in the MC, she's going to ask you repeatedly, over & over, that same question until you think you've jumped down some rabbit hole, which in essence, you have. The Dementia Rabbit Hole we're all familiar with and Hate intensely.
Tell mom whatever story you think may work to keep her Calm and Relaxed. That you had to move her into this apartment b/c the other one is infested with mice and needs extermination. Or painting. Or was flooded and needs a new floor. Or or or. It doesn't matter, it's all a Necessary Lie in order to make mom happy and realize she did nothing wrong to be 'sent off' somewhere as punishment.
When mom asked me why she had to live in Memory Care and could not go back to AL which she loved so much, I would tell her that 'her girls' weren't able to care for her properly anymore in AL once she went into a wheelchair (which was actually true). That she needed more one-to-one care than AL could give her, so she had to move into MC; we never discussed 'dementia' b/c mom did not believe she suffered from it at ALL. A/K/A Anosognosia, which is a condition that causes someone to be unaware of their mental health condition and how it affects them. It's common in some conditions, including dementia. So, someone who has been properly diagnosed with dementia, but has anosognosia, doesn't know or believe that they have dementia.
Mom would ask me that same question repeatedly, continuously, day in and day out, and I would answer her in the same way each time.
When it came to 'where is my sister and my brothers' who were all deceased, I had a variety of answers I'd use for that question. They were in Florida b/c it was too cold for them in Colorado. They were on vacation, they were at the store shopping, they were otherwise occupied babysitting their grandchildren, etc etc. Mom's short term memory was shot to the point that she'd forget her question a few minutes after she'd asked it, so the answers I'd give her were irrelevant ANYWAY. They would only need to be repeated again and again shortly afterward.
Wishing you the best of luck coming up with calming answers to give your mother when she's anxiety ridden.
Good advice. Doesn't always work though. There was a little bit of confusion for me as to when my mom was not able to remember that my dad had died. She was so smart she'd see through my story, then say "oh he died, didn't he?' And other times she'd go along with the story that he was fishing, which had been the only times they were not together after their retirements. And her sometimes figuring it out went on for 8 years of the 10 Alzheimer's years she was without him. The last 2 years she believed me completely and would further the story about his fishing, probably remembering a long ago fishing trip he took.
As a parent, I would be devastated and heartbroken.
As a son, I simply could not have it. My wife and I have provided hospice care for three of our relatives, that they could stay at home, in their lives, with their loved ones. I'm so sorry that isn't possible for you and your Mom.
We do have to lie. Because they do not understand that their Dementia has gotten to the point you can no longer care for them. Or, your trying to hold down a job, raise kids and have your own house to keep up. Those with Dementia have forgotten what life was raising kids, keeping a house and holding down a job. All they see is they are being taken from what they know and familiar with. They have no understanding of their limitations.
My Mom adapted well to an AL but she was in the second half of her Dementia journey. We told her that she was going to a new apt and was going to make new friends. That consoled her.
I know when I have been short with my replies, for some new members it has been taken wrong. So, I try not to be short. I read over what I have said. In relooking at a post I wrote a couple of weeks ago, I could have started it off a little differently and maybe the person would not have flown off the handle. But, thats the problem with a forum. We don't see the persons face or hear the inflections in their voice.
And I so wish when a member is asked by the OP to not post to their thread, they don't. I know its a public forum but a lot of us have been on it for years. I think we can be called friends and as friends we should do as requested.
I will be joining this club soon. My mom will be in AL soon. I'm SURE I will be asked the same question as to why and she'll be offering to do X, Y and Z to come back to my house, etc. etc. So far, I'm just speculating so maybe I'll be lucky and the reality won't be as bad?? LOL I seriously think I'm in for a lot of negativity and anger. So I am asking myself the same question - how to reply? I'm thinking of #1 - we are going to renovate the house and sell to downsize for retirement and #2 - she needs to be here due to her short term memory issues. I've given up referring to her dementia since I know she doesn't believe me.
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
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APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
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APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
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If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
Skip the “…..what did I do….”. If she has dementia she will not grasp the complexities of her needs or yours.
Shift to how much and why you love her, how happy you are that she will be able to meet new friends, how lovely the dining room is, all the pleasant people who will be able to help her…….make a list, and focus on it. If nothing else works you may need to resort to “…….your doctor said…..”.
Bear in mind that adjustment may take more time than you’ll be comfortable with. Expect her to rely on the MC staff to get more comfortable little by little.
Keep in touch with the staff to be able to give her the support she needs.
Ths is one f the hardest adjustments for you too. Be good to yourself.
READ! EVERY WORD I quoted was said to my LO, and EVERY WORD WAS TRUE.
If your experiences vary from mine, STATE THAT.
Thank you 🙂
I meant no harm in my comment.
For example, my brother asked me not to tell my mom after he passed, because the continual brain loop would just have her ask over and over and she would just receive the same shocking news. I would respond to her that I have not seen him for a while. That was the end of the question.
Thank you
By the way, your mother asking “What did I do wrong?” can also be just another expression for…
-What did I do to deserve being put here?
-What did I ever do to you, that you decided to put me here?
-Get me out of here.
-I don’t deserve to be put here.
-Etc.
In other words, not that she really believes she’s done anything wrong. But that she wants to get out.
Tell her it's not anything u did
Its a staffing in issue,, or where s bed availablity
. I don't decide these things I just need to know if u being taken care of ok. U have everything Need
What do u think of this new place,?
Maybe there is something she is missing that u could get for her. And I love u mom.
I don't understand the lie controversy. I was told by ADRC staff that I need to understand what reality my dad was living in and do everything in my ability to support the reality he's living in even if it rerequires lying.
The move was within the same facility (from AL to MC). The facility took mom to the memory care side to spend the day, every day for two weeks prior to the move. So she was already in a routine and had met people prior to the actual move.
I always told mom that I needed her to be somewhere close by and safe while I was at work. That seemed to pacify her. Whenever she says can I come live with you, I just tell her that I am not home because I work and it's not safe for her to be there alone. Those matter of fact answers seemed to pacify her. Maybe something like that would work with your mom as well.
Her " short term " memory is limited hence she does not remember asking the question nor the answer given. Tell her you love her and her safety is important; then redirect the conversation to something else positive; the sunshine, music, other conversation about anything she may have had interest in past; look at photos or magazines together. Invite her to take a walk , if she is ambulatory or use her wheelchair to facilitate a change in venue
Don't wear yourself out " trying to make her understand".
Dementia/ memory care illnesses limit severely ones ability to understand or remember. Tell her you love her, she is safe and redirect.
* painting your apt / home / room
* fixing up the plumbing
* cleaning the carpet
"I'll let you know as soon as this is completed. You are very safe now and I love you!"
Then switch to another topic that will capture her interest.
What did I do to deserve such a loving and kind mother? Did I do something wonderful or did God decide to give me the best guardian angel he could find.
"When I count my blessings, I count you twice."
While we wouldn't "lie" under ordinary circumstances, we will "lie" all day long in an effort to pacify a loved one with dementia and/or to keep them calm and relaxed. That is the only goal we have when caring for a loved one suffering the cruel and inhumane disorder known as dementia.
We can call it 'therapeutic fibs' if we like, or we call it 'lying' or we can call it 'chocolate cake', what's the difference? My mother asked me CONSTANTLY where her mother was, and if she was hiding in the Memory Care ALF she lived in? If I used the logic here on AgingCare we see from time to time about Never Lie To Your Loved One, I would have told her no less than 1,000,000,000 times that her mother was dead and buried in the cemetery and had been since 1985. Which would have had her crying each and every one of the 1,000,000,000 times she asked me about grandma. Dumb thing to do, not to mention Cruel.
So we lie. Like rugs sometimes, in an effort to keep our mom's or dad's happy & content. Period. And it's not a 'horrible thing' or a 'sin' or anything bad at all, but a necessary evil to keep our loved ones calm & happy with the life they're now saddled with. Unfortunately. It's the least we can do to be kind to them.
Rams, no matter what you tell your mom about why she's in the MC, she's going to ask you repeatedly, over & over, that same question until you think you've jumped down some rabbit hole, which in essence, you have. The Dementia Rabbit Hole we're all familiar with and Hate intensely.
Tell mom whatever story you think may work to keep her Calm and Relaxed. That you had to move her into this apartment b/c the other one is infested with mice and needs extermination. Or painting. Or was flooded and needs a new floor. Or or or. It doesn't matter, it's all a Necessary Lie in order to make mom happy and realize she did nothing wrong to be 'sent off' somewhere as punishment.
When mom asked me why she had to live in Memory Care and could not go back to AL which she loved so much, I would tell her that 'her girls' weren't able to care for her properly anymore in AL once she went into a wheelchair (which was actually true). That she needed more one-to-one care than AL could give her, so she had to move into MC; we never discussed 'dementia' b/c mom did not believe she suffered from it at ALL. A/K/A Anosognosia, which is a condition that causes someone to be unaware of their mental health condition and how it affects them. It's common in some conditions, including dementia. So, someone who has been properly diagnosed with dementia, but has anosognosia, doesn't know or believe that they have dementia.
Mom would ask me that same question repeatedly, continuously, day in and day out, and I would answer her in the same way each time.
When it came to 'where is my sister and my brothers' who were all deceased, I had a variety of answers I'd use for that question. They were in Florida b/c it was too cold for them in Colorado. They were on vacation, they were at the store shopping, they were otherwise occupied babysitting their grandchildren, etc etc. Mom's short term memory was shot to the point that she'd forget her question a few minutes after she'd asked it, so the answers I'd give her were irrelevant ANYWAY. They would only need to be repeated again and again shortly afterward.
Wishing you the best of luck coming up with calming answers to give your mother when she's anxiety ridden.
As a son, I simply could not have it. My wife and I have provided hospice care for three of our relatives, that they could stay at home, in their lives, with their loved ones. I'm so sorry that isn't possible for you and your Mom.
However, you're basically telling this OP that you were better, more capable, more compassonate, and that you are sorry s/he can't do/be the same.
I don't think that is very helpful.
Your story is a nice one, but this thread is the wrong place and time for it, and told to a wrong person.
My Mom adapted well to an AL but she was in the second half of her Dementia journey. We told her that she was going to a new apt and was going to make new friends. That consoled her.
I know when I have been short with my replies, for some new members it has been taken wrong. So, I try not to be short. I read over what I have said. In relooking at a post I wrote a couple of weeks ago, I could have started it off a little differently and maybe the person would not have flown off the handle. But, thats the problem with a forum. We don't see the persons face or hear the inflections in their voice.
And I so wish when a member is asked by the OP to not post to their thread, they don't. I know its a public forum but a lot of us have been on it for years. I think we can be called friends and as friends we should do as requested.