My mother is 86 and has dementia. I am the only daughter and have 3 brothers.
She was with me last year and after i told my brothers i cannot handle it anymore, the one took her for 5 months and could'nt handle it as well and said that he thinks she must go to an old age home which we all agreed to. I had to take her against her will and she was very unhappy..cried the whole time and i fetched her after a week and took her back home with me. I have a carer taking care of her from Monday to Friday during the day while i am at work. Financially its hard on me because she gets a small pension and we have our own business and financially its a battle to survive. She is with me for more than 6 months again and i feel i cannot handle it mentally. Me and my ex husband are living together, because of financial reasons, and still have a son of 19 living with us as well. He was in a bicycle accident 23 years ago..had permanent brain damage...think like a child..not responsible. I feel so trapped...cant go anywhere and feel stressed and nerves but do not want to go on medication. I realy want to look after my mother but at times i feel that mentally i cannot handle it. To see her sitting all day long and not being able to read or to knit, kills me. How can i convince her that an old age home will be better for her... where she can have 24/7 care. Am i selfish?
What is it mentally you can't get your head around, your loss of freedom, your grief at seeing your mother decline? Try to pinpoint from where your angst is coming. Break it down into manageable parts. What do you do for your self? How can you carve out time to do something just for you even if its only a half hour a day. Can you get your siblings to give you respite. If each gives you a weekend a month, or even a day a month, you will be a different person.
If it is the helplessness to cure her dementia that is turning you inside out, imagine your feelings of her being the same way only unhappy, frightened and alone in a nursing home. Let go of unrealistic expectations, guilt, and pain. You are not God, you can't cure her, but you can make her happier.
Try to derive pleasure from your sacrifice. If it helps i feel you are an amazing loving woman, as my Mom would say, a good woman, her ultimate compliment. Trust me few women got the compliment, but I think you deserve it. When the time comes and you have to put her in a home, or she passes away; take comfort in the fact that you did everything you could for her. Stand tall.
She's had several moves considering that your brother also had her living with him for five months. It's rarely positive to move people with AD any more than necessary, since each time is a huge adjustment. The confusion and anxiety that accompany AD makes each change hard. You and your mom will be better off if you can place her in a good nursing home. No guilt allowed on your part. This is a move for all of you.
Take care,
Carol