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Hi All,
My mom is currently living at her townhome with Visiting Angels coming in for four hours every day. I go by on Saturdays to see her and make sure she has food, clean, etc. She is able to dress herself and toilet without issues. She has dementia and cannot remember things except things that happen in the past. Before Covid-19 we were looking at Assisted Living places, we had looked at couple of places and then Covid started and facilities were locked down. I put the move on hold for now. My mom watches a lot of TV about the virus and seems to think that she gets it every day. Although the Visiting Angels resource will take her temperature and check her symptoms and all is fine. She seems to be very angry at me that I am not there with her every day (she thinks of me as a small child). I have a full time job and a family and I am feeling very torn about leaving her in her house with all that is going on. We have a strained relationship and I feel if I bring her into my home, that we will just argue and our relationship will be worse. I cannot get her into an Assisted Living place at this time as they are not accepting new people. I don't know what to do. Do I bring her here and suffer through it until facilities open back up? Any advice would be greatly appreciated.
Thank you!

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Transition is challenging in general but it is especially difficult for older adults. If her safety is not in question, and she is not a fall risk, you may want to continue with the status quo. This would spare her from moving twice. I'm not sure it would be in everyone's best interest to have her move in with you and then moving her again. Multiple moves can exacerbate her dementia and strain your strained relationship even further. Once she is with you, you may have a situation where she refuses to move out. I would suggest stay the course. However, prior to relocating her to assisted living, make sure to tour and ask lots of questions. Medicare.gov provides questionnaires as well as guidelines for touring. You can also review assisted living department of health surveys and Medicare surveys online. Also keep in mind that assisted living can be an umbrella term meaning different facilities offer different services under a care plan and charge extra for other services. I personally favor not for profit facilities over for profit because they are not as driven by the bottom line.
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GigiBee Apr 2020
Agree with you 1000% on the non-profit facility, as my mom was in the independent living part of one, and the staff was all wonderful. It is a church based retirement community. Kind people, clean, well maintained property, and they are well paid, truly caring about the residents. Also agree on the multiple moves being very difficult, but in our case, we had no choice (due to sheriff being called twice) but to bring her to our house to wait out the Covid-parole...
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Yes, she is your mother and you should bring her into your home and care
for her. Nursing homes are staffed by low wage workers, many well meaning but to survive some must work 7 days per week at different homes and this has been part of the infectious spread of Covid-19. Also, fall rates and lonely deaths often at higher rates in institutional care. Its lucrative business right now for developers and physician entrepreneurs to develop and promote nursing home care as the best option for our aging loved ones—but follow the money. You cannot buy love.
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Just increase your time with Visiting Angels until this Covid BS blows over, then get her into AL. All will work out.
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As testing becomes more available, ask if one of the ALs will accept your mom if she tests negative and has a temp and symptom history (start getting a record of that established. Have the visiting nurse complete a log).

ALs near me are accepting asymptomatic move ins as long as the families understand there will be a 14 day isolation (all the residents are isolated at this point anyway) and that you understand there is NO visiting.
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Karsten, I think you may have missed WHO's and most governments' public health advice to reduce social contacts to the absolute minimum, especially where people over 70 are concerned.

Family members who decide that on balance elders' welfare will be more adversely affected by their absence than by risk of exposure to infection should maintain distance either by staying in a different room or by speaking to the person through a window. They should also adopt infection control procedures currently mandated for social care workers, which require adherence to the "Five Moments" hand washing guidelines + correct donning of surgical mask, gloves and apron.

As the OP's mother is fully supported by professional caregivers I'd have thought it would be not only safer but also a lot easier for the OP to skip the visits.
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I 500% agree with those who say do not move her in. But I do not understand why people recommend not visiting on Saturdays for a short while. I am probably missing something.
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I think you are right. Do what you can, and realize that she is not going to be realistic about what you can and can't do. She likely would not do well in a less familiar environment either.
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Do not bring her to your home. That would be too confusing for her and too much for you.
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I am in a similar situation. No home health care yet. No children at home, not working. My mother fell on 3/23/2020 and broke her wrist, dominant hand. It has been rough. Last week I was there at 5 am and didn’t leave until 4pm. (My brother lives there and is there in the evenings.) I feel she needs to be in a nursing home, but with the virus that isn’t going to happen. Mom is always angry with me as POA, refuses to use the walker consistently, etc. She lived with my husband and I for 22 months and it was a disaster. I wouldn’t recommend that to anyone. Will money allow for the visiting angels to be there longer each day? Is there a neighbor to look in on her daily plus the visiting nurse? Have you heard of The Wyze Cameras? I was just told about them last week. They are fairly inexpensive, mount by simply plugging them in to a regular outlet, have no service fee involved and come with a cell phone app. With the app you can check on mom any time you want to. We have ordered two, but haven’t tried them yet.

Good luck with your situation. It is very stressful, I know.

Nancy
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I don't think I'd move her to your house and then to assisted lving. That is just too many moves for someone with dementia. See if you can get more hours from v/nurses (if finances allow). What about a family member who is currently not working who might be able to go stay with her? Paid or unpaid. It would need to be someone that you know has adhered to the stay at home guidelines.
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We’ve been in this situation since mid March. After MIL locked herself out again, we were forced to bring her over to our house. It has been a nightmare. Living hell is an understatement. We watch in shifts, set up a motion camera outside her room. Bend over backwards and we get the resentment and of course no idea why she is here. She will react the same at home with helpers, or in a nursing home. It is a no win situation. And no ones fault.
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You don't say how old mom is or how her general health is. Things can go sour in a minute, tho, with memory issues in the elderly, and you would never forgive yourself for not doing EVERYTHING you can. Depending on mom's age, you might not have to deal with these issues very long but are you sure 4 hours is enough? Can you have the Angel come once she's awake and stay longer? Try the Echo set up so you can instantly communicate every day."Visit" mom every evening. She may be a handful but she loves you and needs your attention. 16 hours a day alone is a very long time for a lonely senior. If money becomes an issue, look into one of those reverse mortgages on her townhouse. Taking care of our parents is the way it is now and it's a hard balance between family and mom/dad needs. You are fortunate there is money there to make things better for her and for you.
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Life Alert is helpful for seniors living alone. The rescue personnel will come assist if fall detection happens. My opinion is paramedics, etc. will wear PPEs to protect all.
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MrsHoover Apr 2020
In my town, just outside of Chicago, the Village of Alsip paramedics charge $150 just to "lift" someone up, one visit for less than 5 minutes. Medicare does NOT pay for this. Check before you assume. When my husband first came home with his bedridden dementia, he forgot he couldn't stand up and fell/dropped several times a week always at night because of the sundowning. To avoid the charges, we often spent the rest of the night on the floor till family could come lift him back to bed before going to work. In the summer I had college age grandkids who would come till about 3am. Now, two and a half years later, I have a Hoyer lift and sling that will lift him off the floor pretty easily and I do it by myself.
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Somehow find help for those hours on the weekends when things fall on you. You must have peace in your life and whatever you do, DO NOT LET HER COME INTO YOUR HOME. You will never have a moment's peace and if she is there, you will never, ever get her into assisted living - do NOT do it. Tell her what the new "rules" are and tell her point blank she must "behave" or you will simply not be involved with her in any way. These people are problems and cannot be fixed but that does not mean you allow them to destroy you. Please keep looking and waiting until you can place her but keep your distance.
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She is safer where she is with limited contacts. Be sure to wear a mask and wash your hands when you first enter her house. You could carry the virus to her, as you have outside contacts. She probably won't understand why you can't visit her often. Can you block the channels with the disturbing news using parental controls? In my mothers memory care residence they only show the residents nature programs, PG13 movies, etc.
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If you are worried about her not having enough supervision, could you have the visiting angels come on Saturdays too? Same people who go there on weekdays? Or just visit her on the phone often? I think this would be a bad time to move her anywhere. She should stay home as long as she doesn't begin to wander. Keeping tabs on her is most important. Let the anger slide right off you. No matter what you do, she will continue to worry if it's the stage of dementia she is in. What she wants of you is not what she actually needs.
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I'd just ride it out, leaving her where she is now and is comfortable and OK. The move, when it happens, (and we are not going to be in quarantine forever!) will be a big enough change.

Sadly, people DO NOT understand this disease at all. I have a neighbor who is will not stand within 10 feet of anyone. I made a bunch of masks and took her and her DH one and she WEPT with gratitude. She had not left her home in almost 3 weeks. I gave her one for her mother. She was so incredibly grateful and she is so anxiety ridden, she said she hasn't slept in ages she's so afraid.

Her DH put this homemade mask on and immediately went to the grocery store. we live in a state with a very low infection rate, and so, a very low death rate.

It really hit me that people are truly suffering from fear--yes, we need to be responsible and such, but we also need to be as close to 'normal' as possible.
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Not sure where you are located, but there are several AL facilities that are accepting new move ins in the DFW area. They have very strict protocols when you do move in (and for the movers), so you have to weigh your decision based on what is best for your mom considering the circumstances. Have you contacted a placement agency (not A Place For Mom!) that can help you find placement? The agencies I work (as a moving company) are very knowledgeable and aware of who is accepting placements in their area. Just a thought….
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worriedinCali Apr 2020
The OPs not in Texas and a place for mom a)owns this site b)gets paid a hefty commission ($5k) to refer you and c)only refers you to the facilities they have contracts with. Both of those are bad because their goal is to get you take their referral so that they can collect their money, basically they look for their best interest not yours. And you won’t be told about the facilities they aren’t contracted with.
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Thank you all for your input and suggestions. I have decided to leave her where she is for now. We do have security cameras on the outside doors so I can see her if she were to wander. She doesn't want to leave the house for anything really these days. Eliminating the news channels is a great idea. My mom and I have had a very tumultuous relationship all my life. Bringing her here would not be good for her or me. I will leave this in God's hands for now. When the Covid is over I will get her into a place where I will not have to worry as much if this sort of thing happens again. Happy Easter to all!
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I would suggest not moving her until the AL will permit. In the meantime, may I suggest you custom remove ALL the News Stations (not just Fox News), as they all contribute to the angst of those seniors with dementia, not to mention the rest of us. You should be able to custom program only those stations you think she may like to watch from the past. In addition, realize that anger and lose of the ability to control her anger comes with dementia. For some, the outbursts are worse than for others. You've done the best you can do, for now, under these extraordinary circumstances. If you feel compelled to "see" her, visit her through the window of her home or glass storm door, but I would highly recommend you not physically go into her home. Best wishes and we shall overcome this and be back "normalcy" soon.
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It sounds like your mother is safe and healthy enough in her own townhome with Visiting Angels helping and checking on her. Her
anger at your not being there does not justify moving her into your home. When AL facilities open back up, you can continue your search if your mother needs to be moved. Don't let her dissatisfaction guilt you into a situation that you already know is not a good idea.
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Humama, thank you for sticking up for us that have less than perfect mothers. I could never live with my mother and she could never live with me. She is 95 1/2 years old and lives alone. The OP did say she has a strained relationship with her mother, so I agree, don’t let her move in with you. Your relationship with your mom will deteriorate.
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Answer 2 questions:
Is she safe?
Are her needs being met (and do not include her emotions about COVID-19 or seeing you as a small child)?

If your answer to both are "yes," then do not change her living situation. She will be upset and confused in your home and demand to go to her own home more than once a day.
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I would leave Mom where she is but install some kind of security system with cameras to help monitor the situation and see if Mom would wear a call button with GPS and fall detection. The echo shows where you can have two way visual communication are good, but something like the ring doorbell or light can allow you to see who is entering and leaving the home too. The echos and ring do require an internet connection to work; if your mother's home has good cellular coverage, you can get a mifi for internet service although hard wire cable or DSL is usually more stable.
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If she is safe where she is I would leave her where she is, in a place that she is familiar with.
If you are working from home she will not understand that and it will be difficult for her to accept boundaries. If you are not working from home I am sure you are helping your children if any with E-Learning if they are at that stage.
Continue your research on line for facilities that will meet her needs as well as yours. There may even be virtual tours you can take. At least you can eliminate some during this process.
You should also find out what forms need to be filled out by her doctor, some of that can be done now. Find out what medical tests are required. (TB skin test is required in most some areas require a double test or a blood test can be done)Are any vaccinations required? Just get prepared.
Plan on what you are going to do with her townhouse, her belongings. This is a great time to plan so that none of this becomes urgent.

Bottom line I think you already know the answer to your question...if she is safe where she is then that is where she should stay. I read a great line the other day...Mom can book the Guilt Trip, but you don't have to pack your bags.
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This is a very difficult situation with not many options--the Visiting Angels are doing what any assisted living facility would do; they are not nursing homes.

Whether or not you later choose to bring her to your house -- nobody on here can advise you and you must do what your conscience dictates for whatever decision you make--or do not make--you have to live with it.

Speaking for myself I would never leave my mom alone because they can get hurt or killed by themselves. So many people got unemployed and I would be afraid of her getting robbed or killed by intruders. If people cannot work, they will steal, and these days people are violent. The elderly are often targets of home invaders.

But that is just me because I took care of my mum until she died at age 90 and I loved and cared for her until the very end. My mum was my life and I lost her, but I never regretting take care of her. I did what my conscience dictated, because I have to live with myself.
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If you think your problems will go easier if you take her in, I’m afraid that it will not happen. If and only if you and your family have nerves and skin like steel, then take her in. Otherwise, it should stay the same as is. Your whole family will be exposed to behaviors yet to be seen. The rules in your home will not apply to her. Conflict will arise and your well being is affected.
Just something to think about.
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The FIRST thing you have to consider is her safety She has supervision only 4 out of 24 hours . You would never forgive yourself if she wanders and something happens .. Contact Alzheimer’s association .. they have many ideas and ways to help you make the right decisions ..Ask for help .. you’d be surprised how many people want to help you .. Although right now is a difficult time to get help , once things settle down it might be easier Once a week is not too much to visit your mother... She is your mother . When you look back you’ll be glad you did . I know,I’ve been there too .
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Humama Apr 2020
Some mothers are not nice people. There are mother who are physically, verbally, and even emotionally abusive. Please do not guilt trip the OP. She is torn enough as it is. I am thankful my own difficult mother is in independent living because I could not tolerate having her here. And it is not me. Both my ex and fiancé support me on this because they’ve seen firsthand how abusive she is towards me and how she plays favorites among my children.

I don’t know the particulars of OP’s situation, but I couldn’t imagine pressuring someone to do something so clearly uncomfortable, or making them feel terrible about self-preservation.
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Everyone on here is right. Don’t move her in with you. She has people checking on her. The manipulation will get worse. Don’t feel guilty!! I will never move my mother in with me. She lives alone. She doesn’t have anyone checking on her except me and my son. Lately, it’s been my son checking on her because she doesn’t manipulate him. But she will never move in with us.
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I agree with all the previous comments, stop visiting her Saturdays. The visiting angels are enough.
DON'T move her in with you. You will regret it, you will be worn out and she will guilt you into letting her stay instead of facility. DON'T do it. Elderly know how to use guilt big time. She has food she has people checking on her. Her memory will decline but the manipulation and guilt will get worse.
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