My sister and I are caregivers for our 91yr. old mom. My sister is becoming ill from the stress. My mom lives downstairs of my sister and husband. My sister can't go upstairs even if she's been downstairs all day , without Mom saying "Don't forget about me, it's so lonely down here". When I come over to visit several times a week, as I am leaving for home, she gives me the same "lonely" speech. She refuses to go to any senior center and be with those of her age. We know she doesn't want to burden us. How do we talk to her and help her to see what she is doing to us, especially my sister?
If this is the case (since you and your sister seem to be doing more than is sometimes humanly possible to keep her from being lonely) you need to find the real root cause of her saying she's lonely. Have you asked her if she does not like being alone? Because if that is what she truly dislikes a companion animal may be just the thing to help her.
Because when I read your posts it seems to me she just wants someone there...not to carry on a conversation or play cards, but just BE there. It's surprising just how comforting it is to know there is someone else in the house with you. I've seen it in many people, especially older couples, where just knowing that the other person is there makes all the difference, they may not speak to each other all day but when the other is gone (out shopping, travelling or through death) they are lonely....or more accurately ALONE. I think this is why so many people opt for retirement homes or companions. I know of friends that live together just for that reason. They are both older, independent and just didn't want to be 'rattling around in a big house all by themselves'. I hope this helps.
Blessings, Lindaz
If she is mentally competent perhaps it's time to let HER take some responsibility for her loneliness...Surely you should not be getting sick over this. Of course if she does have some form of dementia, forget everything I wrote...but I do believe she should bear, at least some, of the responsibility.
Making visits shorter and fewer is hard but the hardest thing is to not take their comments personally or make it your responsibility to try to fill an emptiness that will never be filled again by any person. No one can make these decisions for you, but I hope reading the posts here will encourage you and your sister to make some level of separation from your mom so you *will* be able to be there for her and not reach the level of burnout I did.
If she is open to at least visiting a senior/adult day center then that is the first step. I wonder if these centers have morning tea parties where people could come and partake of an enjoying hour. Not sure if any facilities even offer this in the USA. Wishing you all the best. Linda
Here's an example in concrete terms. Say you are a woman, middle-aged, who is feeling you would like to restart exercising. You go to a gym and are presented with exercise classes, including yoga and pilates. You try these and you find you do not enjoy the classes. The gym is not meeting your needs. People wonder why you still feel unfulfilled.
However, your need to exercise doesn't mean you need yoga classes. You might not be the yoga type. So many give up on exercise because they don't realize that the type of exercise they try doesn't truly meet their needs. It might be years after their initial attempt before they try again. Next time, it might be running outdoors, or walking. Viola. The person needed to be outdoors, the person needed to be alone with her thoughts for a while, and also, needed a new way to get to work. So that's an example of "needy" that wasn't really needy, it was just that the need was not met quite right at first.
So to translate this to loneliness and elderly. Maybe they are around family TOO much and need nonfamily contacts such as people their own age. Or....Maybe they are the type who relates to the younger crowd. My mom was like that. I have a relative who hangs out with hippies and does hippie stuff (use your imagination). Some elderly thrive around very young children. I remember my grandmother always came alive when she saw us kids. I remember this was true of so many elders. They would get that sparkle in their eyes seeing kids open Christmas gifts or seeing kids in costume. Or some elderly (I just read about this), after they retire, volunteer to dress up as Santa and enjoy having kids on their laps. No reason that can't be a grandma! It's a fake beard anyway! A number of relatives of mine are still playing musical instruments well into their 90's. Rock on.
Sorry, I'm veering off into a rant. The fact remains cindyandpam can't be their mother's everything, the best we can do for out loved ones is provide them opportunities to meet people and, if not able stimulate their minds with classes or joining a choir or travel, to at least offer some kind of diversion to help to pass the hours and days.
All I can say is that during a period of two years I had a lot of human contact, but no spoken conversation nor in-person contact. Sure, I had Facebook, and grew to despise it. I kept telling people, "Will you please call me and speak, and stop texting me? Can we at least speak aloud to each other and have a conversation?" I also wanted to sit down and have coffee with someone. I didn't want a "date." I couldn't find one person willing to spend time with me without the "sex" part attached. I only wanted to ask, "Hey, is that all I am worth now? Only a body?" I said "no" to the sex, meaning I didn't have a coffee buddy, either.
I didn't want therapy, simply because I didn't want a paid friend. That seemed to me to be too much like prostitution. I felt sad for people I had known who had no one else to talk to in their entire lives except those paid friends in offices, simply because they continued to go back and go back to those offices, almost like an addiction, and gradually, the friends whittled away.
Reality was that loneliness, for me, was reality, not a state of mind. I really didn't have anyone to talk to. I had a long "contact list," sure, but most were dead, gone from my life, had moved, married, left, defunct address, whatever. It's sad when that happens to a person.
I did many things to change the situation. One was to relocate. That really helped! Another was to try out new things. I can't mention everything but some were special interest clubs. I became very politically active. I joined social activism groups. I published articles and got on the radio to speak about certain topics that were my specialty.
I've performed publicly a number of times. That, for me, is so empowering, actually. Drama, public performing, singing in a choir...These are so helpful for some people. I do public speaking, reading of my writings, and stand-up comedy and for whatever reason I feel very good, very alive, like somehow, my life has been given back to me.
I have not been lonely nor depressed for a long time now, several years in fact. I didn't have to rely on anyone else nor take pills to accomplish this. I didn't have to pay a person in an office. What is cool is that many of us already have the answers we need right inside of us. We only need to find them.
Every time she would go into the lonely litany, I would ask what she wanted to do about it, or if she wanted to move to a place with more people around and activities. She refuses to move again.
Oh, and refuses to talk to the doctor about depression, insists she is just "blue" from time to time.
In February she took a fall while I was at work that required stitches in her head. I took that opportunity to get her looked at by a neurologist who said she should not be alone, hired Visiting Angels to come 3 days a week a first. The insurance company (Long term care) sent a nurse out to evaluate, who said she needs someone 5 days a week.
Luckily for me the first person the sent was a keeper, and I don't hear the lonely litany nearly as often. I still pay the price if I want to go out after work, even just to get my hair done, mom plays the lonely card then.
Oh, I have two wonderful dogs that stay with her for all her waking hours, and that does help also.
Good luck, and I hope you and your sister can sort of detach a bit and not let that guilt get to you.