Missing my old mom...How do you deal with a fading parent?

SueC1957, you aren't alone. I'll just say it. My mom is a nicer person now than she was. She used to be very vindictive, full of rage and I don't think I ever heard her say thank you to anyone. About 2 years ago it was full tilt. It was like the small cap she was able to put on it when she was more functional was gone. It was scary. Now, it's like she can't remember how to be angry all the time. She definitely still has her moments but it's nothing like it once was. Before when I put her to bed she would scream that she didn't need any help going to bed! Go away!!!! Now when I tuck her in she looks at me, smiles and says "Thank You."

I guess I'll be the only one here who likes my mom better with Alzheimer's. Yes, I said that.
My mother was a narcissist all my life and we didn't have much of a mother-daughter relationship growing up. Motherhood wasn't by her choice, if you know what I mean. (I was an "oops") and I always felt in the way. She was married 4 times.

Mom started showing signs of dementia around age 88 and I had to move her to my area when she was 90. She lasted 1-1/2 years in a senior assisted living apartment until she got too bad mentally, then moved to Memory Care, where she's been for 4 years. (She'll be 96 in January).

OK, back to the loosing part. I lost a narcissist (that's a good thing) and gained an elderly lady who recognizes my face and smiles, says she's glad to see me and that she's happy I came to visit. She told me a few months ago that she loved me (something that was hardly ever said). We share chocolate chip cookies together on our visits.
It pains me to see her like this, as she was a vital woman, interested in politics and now she doesn't know who the president is or, for that matter, what a president is.
But we get along most of the time (unless she has an angry day-then I just leave). Would I want Alzheimer's to happen to her? Heck no. But there's been a silver lining (for me) in her black cloud. I actually feel some connection with her now that I never did.
Sad, huh?

Wren,
Look for new things you can share (chocolate chip cookies did it for us). It will never be the same but you can make a few tender moments.

I’m beyond crying beyond missing my mom. Now I have this bitchy woman who lives with me, is a drama queen, doesn’t want to participate in anything we suggest. She will go to a couple of things that she is used to but doesn’t know what’s going on when we get there. Can’t carry on a good conversation, yes tells old stories some totally a figment of her imagination, doesn’t know who many people are in pictures. Can’t follow a tv program and would rather lay in bed. She also doesn’t remember eating minutes after eating. She does however remember that she told us to NEVER put her in a home! She does like to travel in an RV so we bought one so we could travel and see things. Unfortunately she won’t get out of the RV to see sights. Doesn’t want to visit family( she usually doesn’t know who they are unless it’s someone she sees frequently However I think she fakes knowing them, she’s really good at that). So my husband and I feel stuck, I know I’m resenting her so I see a therapist to try to help with that. This is the hardest thing in the world to do, being caretaker for a parent.

What a gift to your mom that you are there for her. I’ve been a caregiver for each parent at different times. My Dad with Alzheimer’s, Mom with Parkinson’s.

I created new memories. Instead of trying to do the things we used to I found new things to do and I tried to just go with the flow they were in and find a little humor in as much as I could. It’s important to laugh otherwise you’d be crying all the time.

With my Dad I always remark that I had two relationships with him. Pre Alzheimer’s and with Alzheimer’s. Once I turned my thinking around and just accepted he wasn’t the same and never would be again we found things to laugh about (a lot)and now I treasure the times we shared during the height of his Alzheimer’s!
My Mom’s cognitive changes were totally different with her Parkinson’s. It was more of a challenge because she couldn’t express herself well but we found things to do we hadn’t done before and managed to laugh a little. One thing both my parents enjoyed was when I’d sit done to chat and start reminiscing “do you remember the time such and such happened....”. We laughed at the old stories.

Good luck, and being a caregiver you’ve probably been told a million times to do this but, please take care of you!
You can’t help her if you don’t care for you!

Hi...I tooo miss my old Mom. We used to do so much together and talk about all of life'[s issues. Now, sometimes she thinks I am her mother and in many ways, she is right! Although there are some lucid times...short term memory loss is very real and she needs so many reminders. I find that some of the more pleasant conversations do involve the past. I take old photos over and we talk about this and even laugh. Sadly...our mothers will not be here forever and I guess these times are the best we will have with them because it really never gets better. Cultivate patience and a sense of humor to help get you through. Good luck

DH?

Thanks a million to all of you for your comforting words which are helping me get through each day with a little bit more mental strength....I am so grateful for the time you all spent in answering my post..

You evolve, that’s what you do. Your mom is still there, just her circumstances are different, and per what you describe Wren, you are lucky because it sounds like her mind is not In terrible condition, at least not yet.

You have to get yourself to understand the change, realize your mom needs you more like you needed her growing up. Your role in your loving relationship with her has changed and will need to continue changing at the same rate as her capabilities are changing. Kind of ‘redesign’ the way you interact with her; now you’re who she relies on.
And start planning on how to enjoy the blessing of having your mother in a different way. Observe what she now enjoys and can do, for how long she can do it..for example look at old pictures with her and let her tell you stories, revive old memories, maybe do some light gardening or low effort cooking together? Even start a project -or several- with her, like creating a cooking book with her recipes for example? (I’m assuming she likes cooking, but any project would be fun and wonderful!) Maybe some reading or table games? Watching movies that she has already watched before and which she liked? (She won’t have to make an effort to understand them because she will realize she is familiar with the plot, and there are movies we all will never get tired to watch over and over!).

Re-defining what she likes and can do will not only help you create new great memories with your mom, but it will help her a great deal to feel she is still alive, useful and to stay busy and entertained.

Although I fully understand what you mean, don’t let your sadness stop you from enjoying what you have left to live and experience with your mom. Life teaches us amazing things at every stage, and I’ve come to realize that being a caregiver has been the stage of my life where I’ve experienced truly amazing growth as a person and as a daughter, and understood the true priorities in life. Don’t lose sight of the blessings that her changes bring to your life as well!

You could create new activities for her that are easier on the aging brain. Yes, repetition of older folks is wearing, but you will miss hearing them ...

Hi Wren. Sadly Demensia is similar to alzheimer's as these diseases of the Brain rob the Sufferer's of every thing in time. First their memory, balance, concentration, speech, organ failure leading to End of Life after time. Unfortunately You can never get Your old Mom back but You will have days when Your Mom will seem very improved for spells, these are what is called "moments of lucidity"which never last all that long. Continue to show lots of love and affection towards Your dear Mom like You have always have. Watch out for TIA's and UTI's. I did not tell my Mom that She had alzheimers as why upset or worry the Crater, and I avoided bad news and only gave the good instead. Be ready Wren as death will come suddenly like a thief in the night.

I do wish I had a solution for you. Then we would both be better. My old mom was my best friend for years and years. We used to shop, visit, laugh & laugh & laugh. She is 80 y.o. now. I do everything under the sun for her. She lives in a senior apartment real close to us. I see her often as I am always doing something for her. Yet, she lashes out at me for not coming around. I have to find peace in the fact that she will continue to believe this no matter what I do. So far..no peace in here. I certainly understand the crying in the bathroom. I do that quite often. My husband just does not get it. Not one bit. 😢

I had to deal with a fading DH who was 96.7 yrs old.

I just took each day, one at a time, and was thankful for the time we still had together.

He would ask for "Linda" and yes, that's me. My solution was to not argue, just walk over, turn on a light and wait for him to focus to recognize me. It saved him a lot of stress.

Your mother is doing the best she can. Just sit with her and be thankful she is still there in body. I lost my mother in 2004 and my father in 2011 and my DH this past May. You'll be repeating yourself a lot but isn't your Mother worth it? I know YOU are worth it, having this extra time with her.

I am going through the same experience . My mom has vascular dementia she was diagnosed 3 years ago and over the past year( omg it's been a year) I have watched my mom deteration it's very sad and my heart goes out to you. Last week I got my mom's false teeth from the bathroom for her and then went to get her a warm cardigan from her room. When I came back I noticed that she did not have her teeth in and asked her where they went. Well I could not find them .. I cut up her toast into small pieces so her tea could disolve the bread . As she finished her tea she reached into her mug and there were her teeth. I couldn't stop laughing. At the moment my mom can't remember how to put her teeth in and I have to help her swallow her tablets. But she is able to get around a little and at time she makes me laugh but it is really sad to watch your parents revert back. Be kind , be watchful and show her you love her share the experiences you can and cherish them. She may forget who you are but you will remember who she is and that's all that matters.
Patrick

This is truly an invaluable post...when I moved back home after forty years from living alone to my parents home from NYC...this malaise and slow decline was going on
with my brother who was caretaker and trying to run two houses after he had to leave his job although he was 62 yrs old as my Mom had to be driven to the cancer center for at least three times a week for Myelodysplasia...as well as Dad who was
90 yrs and Mom being 86 yrs old ……...I suddenly felt very angry...at my Mom,she
had a personality that had changed meaning I paid to fix two bathrooms in their home and she thought I was an interloper, also she thought I was stealing her jackets that I had bought her,and she would not let me use the washing machine..I did not know about dementia or effects of the mini stroke two years before...…….she passed and then Dad started getting worse incontinent,my brother continuing to carryon with cooking,cleaning,constant doctor and supplies
medication giver until he succumbed to burnout and pneumonia causing brain absesses...……..long story made short this was all very stressful when he died suddenly without a will, he had no POA with my parents..etc. I kept telling him that he should not be taking his DAD and himself to church everysunday as he was completely unaware that Dad smelled of urine all the time...…...as well as the house......I suppose he had just adjusted to the accidents', he bathed his father
who would rise to go to his church waking my brother all the time who was beginning to show tiredness,denial of his adamant need to take care sometimes
resentfully of his patient DaD………….I WISH I HAD STEPPED IN TO CALL FOR HELP......MEANING HAVE MOM PICKED UP FOR HER APPOINTMENTS,AND
FINALLY DAD AND CALL IN HOMECARE OR THE VETERANS ADMIN.
is this being dumb or thinking they do not want anyone else in the house or maybe it would be too expensive as they were living month to month as well as
honoring their church which is another discussion but getting 800 in soc sec and giving one hundred a month plus going there to do volunteer in the small church
was ridiculous or foolhardy …………..these are salt of the earth people who really
think they are doing their duty to their religion...……………………….I arrived to find this slow decline until at 96 perhaps a message from GOD..to get my dad and brother aid and attendance...…….even that I did not do with any legal help so I
got at least half of what Dad who is blind, incontinent,can pull diapers up,with
my brother in denial or doing his DUTY...so after 96 yrs old I took Dad ww2 vet to the VA for checkups...…...he got overnight delivery for 3 mos of medications,
one year of diapers, covers for furniture for incontinence...etc. I guess this was just dumb luck my Dad did have a subarachnoid hemmorage leaving one morning in the snow after he slipped hit his head and had to have rehab for four weeks almost dying GOING TO OPEN THE CHURCH AT 5 AM IN THE MORNING!!!!!
so my friends, parents can become nightmares through no fault of their own
other than ageing out, I believe had it not been for my brother sacrificing perhaps
they would have died earlier but HE DID NOT KNOW THERE WAS HELP OUT THERE...…………………………….maybe too proud, was the church too needy?
He said to me they don't mind that he has an odor of urine....dedication or pride.

My mother is now in bed or a wheel chair, cannot carry on or understand conversation, has to be fed etc. She was a very intelligent, well travelled and well read person. You see them fading slowly and have to grieve the loss as they decline. Each time you see a decline, you feel it, and if they are aware they do too. You have to adjust to her decreasing abilities, and respect where she is at now. It isn't easy. Try to have some "good times" even if they are much limited compared to her previous life. ((((hugs))))

I'm so sorry that you're dealing with what we call Ambiguous Loss - grieving the loss of the person before they're physically gone. If you get in touch with your local Alzheimer Society and speak with a counselor, they will be able to help you through all of this and provide you with some education that could help you during this journey. They have education on Ambiguous Loss - what it is and how to deal with it. My heart goes out to you!

Thank you all soooo much for sharing your experiences - it's been so valuable to me. I feel other elderly relatives seem fine, so why does mom need to suffer dementia? Thank you for putting things in perspective and telling me how you all coped. I agree that I should cherish her the way she is now before she gets worse. Like TNTechie says, mom becomes animated when I show interest in ancient stories and anecdotes about her teachers/friends(all gone now..,so heart-breaking).

Much love and salute to all of you.

It's very hard. My mom didn't have dementia, but she did have hepatic encephalopathy and whatever else was making her tired and half-asleep (or asleep) often (and at one point earlier she was indeed acting like she had mild dementia). There were so many conversations we didn't get to have near the end because of that. That hurts almost as much as the fact of her being gone (as well as the final information I didn't have a chance to get, like exactly what she wanted for a funeral service and other admin stuff like that).

I don't have any good advice, except to keep thinking of good memories of times when she was the mom you remember... but I know that doesn't help much.

My mom has short term memory problems that make a lot of the stuff we used to do and talk about unworkable too. We can still talk some about local news, since it plays 5 times a day and she remembers some of it. Ditto for newspaper articles - Mom reads the paper several times each day. Mom and I can still talk about the kids, but I never know if she will remember the conversation afterwards. I've "moved" a lot of the family gossip to a cousin who lost her mother and sister in the same year. My cousin is a decade older and that seemed like an age when we were younger but no time at all now when we both have aging parents, kids and grandkids to discuss.

Since Mom's long term memory is still very much intact, I have moved our conversations to the way things were. There's a facebook group where people post a lot of pictures of the town Mom grew up in so I print those out and ask her what she recognizes. We go through boxes of old family pictures and I ask her who everyone is and where the photo was taken. I ask her what Sunday dinner was like at her grandmother's house, how to make cottage cheese or store bushels of potatoes for a large family so they lasted all winter. What was it like to have uncles overseas during WWII? a brother serving in Korea? or on a Navy ship blocking Cuba? How did you make jelly during WWII when sugar was rationed?

Our outings now are often drive byes where Mom doesn't get out of the car. We still enjoy restaurant meals and there are a couple of parks where we sit under the shade and watch the people. Mom enjoyed trips to the local pool this year with her youngest great-grandchild. I set her up in a sturdy folding chair under a shaded pavilion near the children's pools where she could keep an eye on us. She's just not comfortable alone in public anymore.

I'm sadden that Mom's short term memory issues have changed our relationship and I definitely have spent my share of timing crying over it. If I don't refocus on some other topic, Mom will tell me how much her father enjoyed cornbread and how her mother made cornbread for almost every evening meal each time I serve it. Asking about when my grandmother got the foot pump powered sewing machine she still used during my childhood opens the conversation to a story I have never heard before. I encourage you to find similar topics for discussion from your mother's past. You may even find your relationship deepens even as she fades away.

Yes, you cry in the bathroom and pre-grieve the loss of the person you once knew and loved. Keep on being there for her, you really don't know what is going on in her mind, how much she's really taking in.

There will be moments of lucidity--enjoy those.

My mom is fading and repeats herself incessantly. Can't remember anything past 10 minutes ago, can't dial her phone, can't carry on a coherent conversation--AND I am currently banned from seeing her. It's hard. But, I was NEVER close to my mother, so the loss will not be devastating. I envy people who had great moms. But I had a wonderful daddy. Miss him everyday.

I just read ur last post. I think you need to get Mom back to India before Dec. As a visitor, she is not entitled to any help here.

Wren, so sorry. I didn't handle my Mom's decline well. It was hard seeing a once "always smiling" person, get frailer and frailer by the month.

Do you have Mom back in India now? The trip would have confused her. And they do tire easily. We would take Mom out and after an hour she was ready to come back. If you haven't made the trip back, I guess u realize she can't go alone. Getting her home will be a good thing.

I cried a lot, anywhere away from her. And then I would just love the mom I had right at that moment. I found that occasionally I was given glimpses of my old mom...just enough to keep me going. Just love her to the end!

Oh sweetheart. I know EXACTLY how you feel. Over this past year my mother has gotten progressively worse. She was living in a 55 and over community and I had caregivers come in to take care of her. It got to the point where she couldn’t cook for herself – for that matter she could kind of tell you if she was hungry but she wouldn’t know what she wanted. If you offered her suggestions, it was just too much information. She spent most of her day in bed doing nothing. She was very depressed.

Mom has a great long-term memory but zero short term memory. Right after she’s eaten breakfast, she can’t remember that she’s eaten breakfast.

This past Thursday, I moved her into a memory care facility in Maryland where I live. Of course, she is very confused, but I know over time she will get used to it.

What is wonderful about a memory care facility is that they are always there and ready to take care of them. To make sure that they eat, get their medicine, you name it.

Have I cried – every day for months. Besides it being hard to see who was your mom slipping away, having to move her into a facility just broke my heart even though I knew it was the best thing for her. I made sure that I moved as much of her furniture as I could into her one room studio and made it look as much like her own apartment as I could.
Have I cried – every day for months. Besides it being hard to see who was your mom slipping away, having to move her into a facility just broke my heart even though I knew it was the best thing for her. I made sure that I moved as much of her furniture as I could into her one room studio and made it look as much like her own apartment as I could.

We just need to remember that we need to take care of ourselves. We certainly can be there at all times for love ones, but we also have to realize that we have lives to live – jobs to do.

I would suggest joining a few groups that you can join so that you can talk face-to-face with others who are going through exactly what you got are going through.

Hang in there!!