Hi
I posted before but forgot my login so had to create a new one. I have been reading a lot lately and find this site to be great lots of helpful information I thought I was the only one going through this. My MIL might be coming to stay with us for a while . I cannot be around the woman I have expressed this last year when she stayed for 3 months and I had to run away to my daughters house. Husband is no help it’s tradition, he will go down in his grave if that’s what needs to be done before he denies his mother anything . I never had a great relationship with her to begin with but now this is a whole other level . She is 88 can hardly walk , can’t hear well or see well. But she can see enough to tell me how to wash my dishes !! I’m a grandmother . Constantly wants someone to occupy her and talk and sit with her . Won’t let anyone leave the room without knowing where they are going . I have tried to get anxiety meds but she refuses to take them lol. I tried to get her to knit which she replied angrily I won’t sit here and knit so you can all keep me quiet and busy then angrily said I Won’t Do It !! Every time she calls my husband which is 10 times a day she’ll say where’s your wife why isn’t she calling me why is she hiding I have tried to get a nurse she lives elsewhere with her other son to give him help and they both denied it !! She gets offended if I’m in the other room. With my daughter no one can go anywhere. My sweet husband just informed me that she might be coming and staying with us because 1 she can’t live overseas with other son because it’s too hard for her to get around the home 2 other son here MIL doesn’t get along with the DIL lol and she will cause a divorce for them but my husband has no problem offering for us to take her in . She is manipulative . Constantly complains . Wants everything her way , acts like an angel while she is ruining your LIFE , last time she was with me I told her I can’t care for you to which she replied of course you can your healthy and strong . Lies about being sick is constantly taken to the hospital . Her children won’t listen when I say she needs a nurse and to be out on meds . No mother is fine she’s perfect she doesn’t need anything . I know what must be done , and I have a plan in Place for my own sanity . Firstly I’m going back to work full time , and if need be I will leave my husband . I have informed that I will be working g again to which he replied maybe you could find a job working from home and I can see he is already trying to come up with a plan. Lol . You cannot force someone to do something they are not capable of doing . I have informed all of them this . I do t mind doing some things for her maybe bathing her or visiting her but I cannot love with her and if no one will listen then I will take care of myself . I don’t want to divorce in my older days but will have to wait and see what happens for now my plan is in place and I fell better already .
thank you for letting me rant
I was never like this I was always a helpful nice person took his family into my home on and off for 20 years of my life and that’s all I can give
Or, find a few of the hundreds of posts on this site written by desperate, burned-out couples who have an parent with undiagnosed dementia living in their home and print them out and have your husband read them in your presence?
If she lives in your home and starts to get mail there, it becomes her legal residence whether she pays rent or not, or has signed a lease or not. Then you would need to actually go through an eviction process to remove her.
Maybe you move out (temporarily) now to demonstrate that you are deadly serious
that it's either you or the MIL. Cultural traditions run deep and your husband is being a filial son who will need to deal with a great amount of guilt and family blow-back if he says no to her. This is why counseling may be the best first step.
Another issue is whether MIL has any kind of citizenship status. I'm wondering because this may impact her ability to qualify for Medicaid or any aid if she comes to the states and then eventually needs it.
I wish you success in helping him overcome fear, obligation and guilt (FOG) in this situation.
That's the hard part. You KNOW he is going to expect you take care of her. HE doesn't have a plan. He is fully expecting you to just be there when she gets here and take care of things. That's the plan. He doesn't really believe that you will go back to work and not be there to take care of her.
I'm also hugely offended on your behalf that he literally said that you can find a work from home job....why do people STILL not understand that a work from home job is WORKING? If you are WORKING from home you cannot be caring for his mother at the same time!!!! That is the most presumptuous and arrogant thing and it irritates me so much!
My response to that would be "No worries, I will bring your mother to YOUR job so that you can care for her there. I mean...it's EXACTLY THE SAME THING!!!"
I understand cultural and traditions are important. And I'm certainly not trying to spit in the face of that. But so many of these cultural and traditional requirements let the sons and mothers off so easily at the expense of the DIL. And the son gets the praise and credit for taking care of their mother while the DIL suffers. And it's just unbelievably unbalanced. It's inappropriate that you get no say about the responsibility being dumped on your shoulders.
And the fact that he isn't even discussing his plans for your time is just mindboggling to me. I would actually love to be a fly on the wall the first time you are actually not present when he expects you to be. I am not trying to be cruel. And I know this perspective comes from a very U.S. daughter mentality, but caregiving is hard enough when it is voluntary and comes from the goodness of your heart. But when it is forced upon you and you are doing it out of obligation or are stuck doing it when others who actually SHOULD have more responsibility but take no ownership get to walk away from it because YOU shoulder it - it just fries my brain.
YOU may need to find your own therapist to ensure that you can maintain your boundaries. He and the entire family may come for you and try to convince you that you have obligations here. But the obligations - if they exist - belong to him.
I know this is probably cultural but maybe u and DH need to sit down and you tell him how its going to be if she is brought into YOUR home. Thats what MIL should be told, its ur home and your allowing her to live there. She is not your mother. So no need to tell you what you should or shouldn't do. You have been raising kids and keeping house without her help up to now. No, you will not be at her beck and call. Nor will you be entertaining her. If she wants someone to be there with her all the time, then she should hire an aide.
Get that full-time job. Open ur own acct and put ur wages in it. Then you will have the money to leave if u want to. Or just get away. Then the other family members and husband can entertain Mom.
What you have, of course, is not a MIL problem, but rather a husband problem. I think marriage counseling on a serious and severe "contract level" is needed in order for the two of you to work things out.
There may be a need for you to exit your home while your husband gives it over to his mother. This would be costly for him, as what you must have at the least is a room of your own somewhere. Is one of your own children the option. Can you rent one of their rooms, help with cooking and grandkids for a month, one month, two months while your MIL usurps your position in your home?
Another option is your husband and you renting a small studio for you during the times MIL is there. Men more often react to having out of pocket money disappear than the whining of the wife they choose to ignore.
I would make it clear in counseling that you do not wish to end your life alone, but that you are willing to do so if you must live without a say in who lives in your own home.
You can also be so honest as to tell your MIL that she is NOT WELCOME by YOU in YOUR HOME, despite her son's willingness to have her there. Tell her the amount of time she IS welcome, whether two weeks or a month. Put it on her since your husband has no will to address the issue.
1. Get that job, ASAP. Put all your wages into a separate account.
2. Take half of the money out of your joint account, and put that into your own new separate account. Money gives you options. No money, very few options.
3. Get home from work late, and eat on the way home. Let your Dear Husband get his own dinner, buy the ingredients himself, and clean up afterwards.
4. Separate your ‘exodus kit’ belongings into a couple of suitcases, and leave them packed ready. “She comes in, I go out”. That’s all you need to say to explain.
5. Do, don’t nag. Arguments are stressful for both you and DH, and are bound to give DH something to blame you for. You've already said it all. If you want the marriage to survive, DH has to change his own mind because it’s in his own best interests. Like food.
6. Talk to the other local DIL. If you go, the pressure will be on her. She might even join the club of saying that you ought to be the bunny. You need each other’s support.
7. Get some pamphlets for alternative options in the Age Care system. And remember, she pays, not you and your husband.
8. Check Joanne’s comments about MIL’s eligibility for the benefits that might be essential within 5 years. Get some figures for the costs.
I hope that you and others can suggest more Actions that don’t destroy your marriage even before you find her on your doorstep.
MIL yes has citizenship that is not the problem I can get her help she won’t take it neither will her family members. Everything is done according to what she wants no one has put there foot down to her and said NO you are staying here and doing this everything is yes yes yes at the expense of others .. She even curses and berates them her own family why would she be better to me . But no one will say anything . That perhaps she has dementia or other psychological issues . Which she does, they all just laugh it off and let her mouth run anmock and say whatever she wants to whoever and she has a mouth . And thank you for being upset for me it’s good to know I’m not the crazy one that something is not right here . This family cannot be trusted even if I were let’s say god forbid to take her in like last year they would say oh it’s only for a little until she goes somewhere else they lie . Last year she ended up staying for 3 months until I finally left and came back a week later . It was supposed to be only a month so no I know there is no talking or discussing with these people . They do not care. But I have options and thank god I will use them you. You cannot force someone to do something they are not capable of doing and what upsets me the most is they all ignore what I had to say . I have given ample advice I will put my foot down explain to hubby that he will be the sole caretaker and we will see how long that lasts and if I can even put up with that . I will not be home work ,gym, grandchildren whatever is needed to keep my health and sanity after 20 long years I come fist
Your MIL sounds like a miserable person to be around. Your husband is truly inconsiderate, along with his the rest of his thoughtless family!
Use your money to fund a short term lease apartment when your MIL is in town. I wouldn’t lift a finger to help this woman.
I wouldn’t offer to help. This family will disregard any boundaries that you set in place. They aren’t trustworthy.
If you give this family an inch, they are going to take a mile! Don’t give them an opportunity to take advantage of you.
Only remain in your marriage if he is worth sticking around for. You can grieve for the loss of a marriage but it doesn’t seem like you have a healthy relationship.
What is your husband like when his mother isn’t around? Is he considerate of your needs? Look at the entire picture to evaluate what you should do m.
Don’t let anyone make you a slave.
My DH always had the 'plan' that we'd take in his mom when she got too 'bad' to live alone. Why, I do not know to this day. She hates me with such a passion--and I have not even seen nor spoken to her for almost 4 years. She told me to 'go away' and I did and have not done ANY CG for her since.
Dh and his OB and YS are handling her on their own. It's their own personal little hell and I want no part of it.
I didn't ever leave my DH although it was always a plan if DH decided that she needed to live with us. If she had walked in with her suitcases, I'd be long gone.
It's not b/c I don't care, or am a bad person, I just don't think that having a person in the house who actively and vocally hates you is a good plan. I've seen far too many cases where one partner thinks this is a GREAT idea--and they are never the ones doing the heavy lifting.
Stand your ground. If you can, create a support network. If not, create one by yourself. I have taken a LOT of grief from my DH over the course of our marriage b/c he feels responsible for his mother, and thinks I feel the same.
I took care of HIS father for the last 6 months of his life--FT in his home--I'd drive out there 2-3 times a day. Then he passed and I stepped right into PT CG for MY daddy. Then, as my mom declined, I was her alternate CG, until her death.
IF his mother had ever treated me with any kind of respect and/or gratitude, I would be amenable to helping out now. But she has actually stated very clearly and firmly that I am NOT allowed in her home.
I do not and will not take care of her under any circumstances. This has caused a LOT of dissonance in our marriage. It's the ONLY thing we 'fight' about--we don't really 'fight' but he refuses to see my side of things, even tho his mother has been VERY vocal and VERY adamant that I never show up to her home.
I've stuck to my guns and will continue to do so.
Yes, I would have left DH had he just brought mom home to live at any point in time. I love him, but there are limits.
And yes, he functions under the heavy blanket of guilt. Nothing seems to lift it.
Good Luck to you--keep planning your possible exit. I hope you don't have to do it.
Can you get a full time job that has you traveling at least 50% of the time?
If you're able to find a job that has you literally away from there, You get to keep your sanity, keep the focus on you, and see beyond your doorstep.
Good for you for being firm with your boundaries!
This is a common phrase. You are stuck between a Rock and a Hard place.
When you say MIL is staying for a "while" do you have any idea how long a "while" is? 3 Weeks, 3 Months, 3 Years, longer???
I think you are on the right track getting a job and not a Work From Home one. And technically even if you had a WFH job if you are working 9 to 5 that is work time not caregiving time and he and MIL would have to realize that and respect that. But I doubt either would so working away is the only option.
Does your husband know you would actually leave him if this comes to fruition? He needs to know you are serious. In order to drive that point home make an appointment with an Attorney and see what your options are as you need to protect yourself.
In the mean time prepare yourself.
ANY falls you call 911 and ask for a LIFT ASSIST.
I should also ask, who if anyone is POA if something happens to her? Is your husband legally authorized to make decisions for her?
If she is hospitalized you can say that you can not safely care for her. And you can explain that your husband is minimal help and that if she needs care that she either needs to accept caregivers or she needs to go to Rehab.
No reason to divorce just move out and let him deal with her 24/7.
She is his mother not yours let him deal with her 100%, he can hire someone to bathe her and do whatever.
Good Luck!
So glad you are going to work soon.
They 'hear' your no. Yet carry on like you are saying yes.
They remember the last visit, the pushing responsibility around onto the next family member, then on again. Yet do nothing to stop it.
You are refusing to be enslaved & also importantly, refusing to be a victim about it & state it can't change. Well Done You!!
Yes it CAN change. But I feel this mob will have to LIVE it AGAIN & to experience FAILURE in order to change - in order to get their head out of that sand (or FOG).
Your plans of a job & alternative address are solid. Very very unfortunate it may come to this, but there it is.
You have not been given the authority to Lead & arrange MIL to go elsewhere, you cannot Follow their plan, so the remaining pathway available to you is to Get Out.
This saying may be useful:
"YOUR lack of planning is not MY emergency"
DH & his family are adults & responsible for the decisions they make (or fail to make).
Sending strength for the journey ahead.
If the worst comes to the worst, and MIL lands in your house, it isn’t necessarily divorce – which you don’t want. A workable strategy might be to say that you find the stress of MIL in the house is too hard with your job, and you are going to move out while the situation is resolved. Your wages will pay to rent somewhere affordable. DH works out whether he likes being the caregiver, or whether he prefers having a wife. You don’t go round to cook, clean and care – but DH can visit you. Don’t argue, just don’t be there while MIL is there (or even if discussion about MIL is dominating things).
You should probably bank on MIL being GLAD that you have moved out and that she has DH all to herself. That’s good! She may be sweet as sugar candy to DH. The more she trashes you to him, the better. That’s good too! Make it clear that it’s what you are expecting. It may take a bit of time for DH to find the workload intolerable. It may also take time for DH to register that the dynamics are about MIL ‘possessing’ HIM.
Good luck.