I recently found this site & I'm hoping y'all might be able to give me some guidance. I'm in my early/mid-20s, adopted as a baby, and stuck trying to balance a full-time job+1hr commute and a school course with a nasty, narcissistic 65 yo mother. She is the textbook definition of someone with narcissistic personality disorder (perfectly nice to everyone except my sibling and I), and she has several chronic medical issues (gastrointestinal, diabetes, severe arthritis). While she is still able to do things herself, she plays the martyr and refuses, leaving me as a caregiver of sorts. Duties include cooking her meals & cleaning up (she barely eats when I don't cook for her), running all of her errands, helping her do her laundry, figuring out anything she can't figure out (technology, bills), grocery shopping, taking care of the family dog, and on the off occasion she runs an errand herself, I must go with her "for company" but also to be her pack mule. She is prone to falls & has a lot of trouble getting up, so I always have to be on alert. My mother has "looked into" non-medical caregivers (not sure exactly what those are called) - the kinds of people that you pay to come to your house for a few hours to help with light housekeeping, errands, companionship, etc. - but never does anything about it because it "won't help". I have been doing all of this since my father died nearly 3 years ago, and my only sibling is now in a steady relationship and only comes over to the house 1 day a week to do the things I can't do (e.g. set up bigger holiday decorations outside, balance her checkbook). Her attitude and mobility (despite physical therapy) have really gotten worse this year, and I'm at my breaking point. I am so immensely bitter for a few reasons: I have virtually no family left (deaths & moving to other states), I've been physically, verbally, and emotionally abused since I was 3 or 4yo, I feel like my sibling has jumped ship & left me stranded, and most of all, I feel like I am truly missing out on creating a life for myself. The abuse has been the worst of all, the most soul crushing. I bend over backwards to help my mother, dedicating what little free time I have to trying to make her life easier, and I get a swift kick in the rear for it. No thanks. No appreciation. A lot of her attitude comes from her narcissistic personality disorder, but some of it also comes from her high levels of pain. She refuses to do anything remotely helpful for herself (medical procedure that could alleviate a lot of the pain, for instance) and would rather everyone cater to her and listen to her whine. The verbal/emotional abuse is what has led me to posting here - my life is a constant stream of "I can't believe how stupid you are", "you don't do anything to help me", "you're such a moron", and those are some of the *nicer* ones. Look up emotional incest, if you don't know what that is - this is my daily life. Oh, and did I mention I live at home? I have virtually no privacy, and she needs to know where I am every second of the day because she is controlling and paranoid that something bad will happen to me. (At this point, I'm tempted to willingly let someone abduct me...) I am planning on moving at the start of the new year because I have had it with her. I plan to go limited contact, and probably just one visit a week or once every 2 weeks, schedule dependent. Please help me get through these last 2 months. My life is truly unbearable at the moment. It has become so bad this year that I have developed anxiety that derails my day out of nowhere, and mild depression that leaves me feeling sad, helpless, hopeless, and everything else that depression brings. I need advice on how to manage a nasty, aging mother until I am able to move in 2 months - the holidays make all of this 50 times worse! (Must wait 2 months to move due to finances & work schedule.) I know I am not a caregiver in the traditional sense, since she can take herself to doctors appointments and doesn't need help dressing, washing, etc., but I absolutely do so many other things for her that I feel more like her employee than her daughter.
I do really urge you to put a lock on your door. It's not too hard to do - you can buy a locking doorknob from a hardware store like Home Depot. Just unscrew all the parts of the old one and put the new one in its place. There are tutorials online if you get stuck. Do it when she's sleeping if you have to. Your new knob will come with two keys. Don't give her one.
I was thinking about what CTTN55 says too - worrying about your mother using the dog to manipulate you. This is a common tactic of abusers. If this is a concern, there are lots of people who foster animals for people fleeing abuse. Your local women's shelter should be able to help you find some resources.
Yes, I'm currently living there, and of course it's reasonable to contribute. I cook meals for her when I am home (she is a picky eater so it's typically whatever she wants to eat - will often need to cook two separate meals, which, after being out of the house for 14 hours, is the LAST thing I feel like doing), but she also refuses to help me clean up, and does not acknowledge anything about it - no thanks, won't even get up to come get her plate from the kitchen. She also refuses to eat leftovers. Not sure why. Like I said, picky. I batch cook for myself, though, when I can.
To be completely honest, I almost never see my friends, which is a huge part of my feelings of resentment. Between work, my class, working out, making sure I have time to cook meals for myself (and her if I'm home), and running errands/various tasks she needs me to do, I have zero energy left to devote to seeing my friends. That also kind of isolates me because my friends just don't get it because none of them have had a parent pass away, have a mobility-challenged & narcissistic mother, or have any idea what it means to have to put someone else before yourself. The problem with not divulging details (including letting her know when I've arrived at work!!!!!!) is that she will go to the ends of the earth to find out...minus using GPS stuff because she has no idea how technology works. I have had her call my work SEVERAL times and it's so embarrassing because I'm an adult and should be able to do what I want, when I want. Have tried talking about this with her to no avail.
I'd love to walk away from her when she's being abusive, but I have tried and can't - she is so off her rocker that she actually FOLLOWS ME through the house, outside, wherever I go. Close a door? Unfortunately there are no locks on my bedroom door, so she'll come in and keep harassing me. Go outside? She'll come outside and scream like a banshee at me. Embarrassing for me, I don't care as much about her reputation, but at 11pm, I'm sure the neighbors don't need to hear this. Try to take a drive somewhere to cool off? Nope, she'll call the cops because the car is technically in her name. I physically cannot escape. She has no qualms about ripping headphones out, and being physically abusive to get my attention because she's a narcissist and will do anything for attention.
CTTN55 - it's a one-hour commute each way. That's also another huge reason I'm moving soon - to have a shorter commute. Leaving work at 9pm, not getting home until 10:30 (due to train schedule, it's only an hour door to door but the train schedule adds time), then needing to eat dinner and go to sleep is really difficult for me. Also sick of the insane cost of transpo by me, as well as being at the mercy of a train schedule.
Dorianne, you are spot on! I definitely didn't articulate well. I am slated to move in January, but the way apartment hunting goes in my area, you can't start looking until the month before, so I can't really take any action/solidify things until next month. And yes, I am really just on here for suggestions on how to cope for the time I've got left at home.
I have toyed with going no-contact, but I'm thinking limited contact will be better for me. A call or visit once every one to two weeks will be ideal for me, especially because my dog is staying at home when I move. Immense sadness that I cannot take my snuggly pup with me, but I absolutely cannot live without visiting my dog as frequently as I can, which happens to mean I can't go NC with my mother. She's easier to deal with anyway when she isn't around me every day.
WhirledTravel, that's a great example. Going to start using that when people try to dismiss me because "she's your mother". I'm going to try to do therapy once I'm actually out, and I also hope I can build up the courage to start a blog that people in my life can read - only a few people know my situation (no one knows the severity of it), but I think being transparent about it will help me open up to people about it in a way that I feel safe doing. Also hoping I can eventually, once I have free time and a steadier schedule, get involved with some kind of women's empowerment group/foundation or maybe a women's shelter or do volunteer work for/with people that have been abused (any age, any type of abuse).
Lastly, she has been looking into non-medical home care/companionship care/people that can come do light housekeeping, errands, etc. But because she's so picky, she finds fault with everyone. We had one woman come to the house today and I liked her (probably because she was talking about ways their caretakers could support me as a caregiver, and when my mother scoffed, she replied, "No, she could probably use a break once in a while"). I'm hoping we can find someone that she is agreeable to, that way the moving transition won't be as difficult, and I can breathe once in a while.
Also, remember that you are the only person who can say "no" to her demands, and you CAN say no. It's perfectly acceptable to say no, although it does take practice. This has helped us: Ask yourself, "What's the worst that can happen if I say no to this request?" The answer for a daughter of a narcissistic mother is usually, "She'll get mad!"...but so what? You can't control her emotions, actions, or anger, but you CAN control yourself. Take your life back. I did it, and (years later) finally feel normal again!
I also highly recommend therapy, it really does help. Yes, it's expensive, but the alternatives of not being productive, not having a happy life, and not being able to set boundaries, are much worse. If nothing else, read forums and get suggestions about how other people deal with their narcissistic parents.
I also firmly believe that NO ONE should have to take care of an abusive family member. If someone wants to and is at peace with it, then fine. But if they are guilted and forced into it, that's not ok. If someone had an abusive ex-husband, no one would expect his ex-wife to care for him in his old age, especially if he continued to be abusive! But somehow, society (not those on this forum, but society in general) thinks that we're obligated "because it's your MOTHER!" Baloney. Right now, I'm taking care of my father-in-law, and doing it willingly. He also never abused me! But (God willing) it will be a cold day in h3ll before I take care of my own narcissistic mother!!!
That said, it does seem like blackdiamond has a plan to get out, and is more looking for ways to cope with the waiting period between now and when she can enact her plan. Unless I'm misinterpreting you, blackdiamond.
Blackdiamond, hugs and kudos to you for getting out - don't let anything get in your way. This kind of emotional bullying saps the spirit. And if she "has a fall" or "gets sick" in an attempt to emotionally blackmail you into staying, don't fall for it. Just call 911 and walk away.
Look on here (and elsewhere) for posts about the F.O.G. (fear, obligation & guilt) that narcissists use to keep their children in line. It sounds like you've got a very good handle on what's happening with your mom, which is terrific. Most adult children who were abused struggle with the idea of leaving or reducing contact. It sounds like you're in great shape with both of those ideas.
Come back here frequently when you need some support - we get it and we're in your corner! {{{Hugs}}}
Your mother is far more likely to decide that outside help *will* help once you're not there. She'll be fine.
Is that a one-hour commute each way? Or one hour total?
Batch cooking - spend one day cooking a bunch of things so you can freeze meals for microwaving or oven heating. (Maybe you can get the laundry done at the same time - and tell her if it's not in the laundry basket the night before, it doesn't get washed - and stick to it, don't go picking up after her.) Also Meals on Wheels is $6 per meal here in BC, Canada. There is also a company that provides diabetic and/or low sodium meals for $7. I'm sure there are similar resources nearby.
If she is not interested in taking care of her health (i.e. not eating properly, not following up about surgery, etc.) then it's not really your problem.
Walk away when she is being mean. Don't react. Just walk away. The more she sees her behavior upsets you, the more she will try to push your buttons. Obviously she's getting some kind of cheap thrill out of trashing you, so don't let her have the satisfaction.
Put a lock on your door and lock it at all times. Buy earplugs or wear headphones if she bangs on your door.
Maybe give her a set time during the day that you will be available for helping her, and tell her the rest of your time is devoted to studying, or whateve. And stick to it. Just because she is your mother does not give her the right to monopolize your time or energy.
Practice your poker face in the mirror. Keep it steady. Use it with her at all times. Even if she is being totally mean and provoking. Never change your expression.
Also what jeannegibbs said above. You're going out. With friends. You'll be back at ____ time. Leave quickly and don't let her suck you in. You're an adult now and it's none of her business what you do outside the house.
I am really glad you are leaving. Keep that goal in focus at all times. It might help to create a vision board - if you don't know what that is, there is lots of information online. A visual representation of the life you want for yourself can be hugely helpful - sort of "keeping your eyes on the prize." (You may want to keep it hidden from your mother though.)
I read somewhere that NPD is the one mental disorder that is not treatable with medication or psychotherapy. She's not going to change, and as her health worsens, so will her behavior. If nothing else helps, at least feel free to come to this site to vent. I only discovered it a couple of weeks ago, but it's already made a difference to me, just being able to talk.
Edited to add: make sure your money and financial information is SECURE and untouchable. Because if she sees your are serious and dedicated to getting out of her house, she may try anything to sabotage it.
If you are living there, it is reasonable that you should contribute to the household in some way. Laundry, perhaps. Or weekly routine cleaning. Or cooking two meals a week. Or ... well any tasks you and Mother agree upon. It is not reasonable that you should be at her beck and call.
How about telling Mom that from now on you will cook one meal on the weekend and one on Wednesdays. Make crockpot meals or soups or similar dishes that will serve for several days and can be frozen for future weeks, to ensure variety. She doesn't eat much on the days you don't cook? Well that is too bad, isn't it? But certainly not your problem. There are restaurants, there is the crock pot food from yesterday, there are places that deliver meals, and there are a couple of home-made choices in the freezer. Tell her what you'll do, and stick to it.
Stop letting her be so intrusive into your affairs. Where are you going? "Out with friends. I'll probably be home by 11. If that changes I'll call you." But what friends? "I don't think you know them, Mom. Gotta run." It is courteous to let her know when you'll be home, but she isn't entitled to the details of your life.
Your brother has "jumped ship" -- and good for him! I suggest you do that as much as you can in the next two months. Spend minimal time in the house.
If you've always lived at home, establishing an adult-to-adult relationship is tough, especially given your mother's mental health issues. Do your best, don't expect miracles, and count the days until you will leave.