How do you manage working a full-time job and being a caregiver?

I keep reading about "Medicaid hours." What are these? Please educate me.

I do really feel for everyone who's shared their struggles. It may sound selfish saying "there're others feeling the same way I do", and find comfort in it. But, spite we may be in similar or same situation, it is a difficult task.
My mother is 90 years old. My dad passed 3 years ago. He had Alzheimer. A nasty illness. They lived in their country (Chile). After he passed, my mom decided to sell the house and move in with me, here in Michigan. I have a brother, and two sisters over there in Chile, but my sisters' marriages are falling apart and my brother took care of dad while he was ill.
I have three daughters and they all live by me (same town). They have their families, jobs, and busy with little one around them. I love my grandkids!!! They're helpful, but I need more help that they are able to provide.
The biggest dilemma is my mom doesn't speak English, and although she's been trying to learn, she forgets it quite easily. There's no home or places I can take her for her to meet new people and have some fun. She loves to read. She also enjoys watching the only chilean channel on cable (that's the only reason I have cable).
She used to love going out, visit stores and walk in downtown. Now, she rather be home. Just the idea to get ready to go out it is such a huge task that she rather stay home. It's more comfortable. She does like to go on trips, but not on airplanes because it is too tiring for her. My sisters have come to visits, but she can't stay. They come as tourist and after three months they need to leave. The law doesn't allow them to stay longer. When they are here (last year came one, and this year came the other one), mom was excited and happy to share with them.
What I've been finding out is things changes quickly. It can see a huge difference between this year and two years ago. It's like little children that from one year to the next one, they are bigger! with mom it's something similar. Last year she was more active, now she doesn't get too excited with things she did last year.
I work full time and I travel at least every other month, but I have cut travels a lot because I need to stay with her. I used to take her with me during my travel, but now she rather not go.
I was allowed to work from home, and that's great, but that affects somehow my job because of the disconnection of what's going on. Even if I get connected via video, etc., it's not the same been at the office. I noticed too that I'm seen people less and less. If I have to go out for errands, or a meeting, or visit my grandkids, moms began to call me asking a what time I'll be home. Most of the time I don't get to finish the task I have to do for work, so I seat at my home office to do some work and that bothers her very much. It seems that she wants me to be around her 24/7.
Yesterday I felt upset, and also angry about it. I felt like screaming. I haven't done things that brings me joy, that brings me peace. I'm divorced and did lots of work in counseling getting better and learning lots of new things. I worked hard in my life and I began to practice all those things that will make you a better person: healthy boundaries, silence and solitude time, enjoying time with family, focus in my work, go for long walks to the lake with my dog... and many other things that today are inside a box. I haven't been able to do any of that for the last 3-4 years.
I feel bad when I say this, I know it is not true, but it makes me feel that I'm a bad person for complaining because I'm taking care of mom.
So, how to handle a full time job and be a good, healthy caregiver?
I don't have the answer, but I have to say that writing about it it was very helpful.

randytho2, how can you work a fulltime job without getting any sleep at night? Surely your job performance is suffering (and probably your care of your mother). What kind of help do you expect your sister to provide? Do you want her to alternate taking care of your mother at night?

All great answers.

The question: How do you manage working a full-time job and being a caregiver?
Answer: You don't!

Working full time and being "on duty" for the other 16 hours is a recipe for disaster. You'll be comprimised, possibly making fatal errors due to exhaustion.
It's NOT worth it.
Talk to a social worker and/or elder law attorney. See what else can be done.

I have to bring my mom home from memory care (can't afford it anymore). I cut down on my job to 2 days a week. Hubby will be helping her those days.
Your loved ones wouldn't want you to be exhausted on their account. You know your health suffers when you spread yourself too thin.
My mom will be 95 in January. I'd like to think I've got another 20 years left after she passes. I'm trying to take care of myself NOW, so I'll make it there! What good is an incapacitated "SuperCaregiver"?

Dear randytho2,

Good of you to care for your dad and now your mom. It sure isn't easy. I hear you, its so hard when siblings don't share the responsibility and burden of care. Given that your mom's care is escalating, it might be time to consider a nursing home for her.

I know its not an easy decision. I'm sorry for sounding like a hypocrite because I tried to work full time at night and take care of my dad before and after work. I thought my dad was okay at home alone but towards the end of his life it was a fatal mistake. I was tired of trying to do it all and it affected my judgement. My dad had a heart attack at home and ended up passing away in the hospital. I feel like if I put him into a nursing home earlier he might still be alive today.

I took care of my dad for 10 years with Alz then we he passed I moved my mom in with me. At 94 she started to have memory and delusional episodes..now at 96 she is completely delusional every night. I must work during the day so I have someone in for her then but at night when all hell breaks loose I am here by myself and most of the time can get no sleep at all. I have a sister not 3 minutes walking distance from my house and she refuses to help AT ALL even though she and mom had a great relationship. I am exhausted and needless to say have written my sister off.

Thanks GiviingItMyAll. Mom does not want to be at the house to sleep, even with someone there. She's expressed that strongly. I guess we'll just let it ride for awhile. She does know, though, that we are moving in August, so there is a deadline. It's so confusing. She's been manipulative most of my life, so I am really torn. I'll just keep praying. But thanks.

Onlyone58. Your mom may be afraid to go back home and live alone among all the memories. Maybe she can ease back into it. If you could spend a couple of days and nights with her each week for a while, it might help and it would give her something to look forward to each week. You could help her go through stuff and downsize if she's willing. On the other hand, it's not the worst thing in the world for an adult child to move out. It's the natural progression and necessary for them to achieve independence. She may be using your mother being there as the impetus. I would not allow her implied threat to color any decision you make regarding your mother.

Actually, this could be good for both of them. Daughter becomes independent and you help your mother become independent after so many years of being a couple.

Later Mom may decide she's ready to move into independent living. Too many changes at once are confusing for the elderly.

So how do you all feel about an only daughter whose mom just lost her husband a month ago? My dad died in late January at 88. Mom is a spry 81, but won't go home and has been with us in our small home since. Along with 2 adult children (1 is almost out the door). She's my mom, but it is difficult to live with her. We need more space, we're on top of each other. Financially, she can afford independent living, we've checked that out. And she says she wants her own things around her. I understand that. My husband and I talked about renting a bigger house, and we all split costs. However, when 1 of the trio goes, the other 2 will have to move again. Neither of us could afford more expense. I feel bad about the independent living situation, but am concerned about the future. If something happens to her, I need to know she's in a place that can take care of those needs. Am I being selfish? My one child says she will definitely leave if my mom stays. I do not want to move into her home, it would be too much upkeep for us down the road. We need to save these last 10-12 years of employment, and be somewhat prepared for our own declining years. Any comments are appreciated.

I would suggest putting her in an adult day care during the day and using the Medicaid hours afterwards. This way she is taken care of during the day and you don't have to "rush" home after work. You can run an errand, have a little "me" time, etc.

i didn't very good at it. If i had one sibling to share it with, it might have made a major difference, but i was it. I held down my job but my husband didn't care for my father so he resented the time i spent with my father at memory care. My dad died on New Years eve and my husband left the next day. I got served divorce papers 6 weeks later. I am in therapy and know i did the right thing. It was tough, and it still is, but at least i am slowly getting my peace of mind back. Hardest part of my life was when i lost my mom when she was 26. Second hardest was when i lost my dad at 92. Sometimes you put one foot in front of the other, shift your weight, and do it again.

Babalou It is never easy... My father passed in Feb. Mom still lives with us, she is pretty sharp and easy to live with... But I work 12 hour shifts ( 14 with drive) 3 days a week. Hubs lost his job and benefits have ended...So now I may have to pick up extra shifts if they are available. Mom already says.. you work so much!! And I am tired

I work full time (as do my brothers) and my mother is in a nursing home, so compared to hands on care givers, I'm on easy street and i know it. Im still exhausted. My mom has had pneumonia three times in the last 8 weeks. A suspicious mole that needs to be biopsied. Deciding if hospice is the right decidion, now, in a month, whenever. I know i know. I have it easy.

I never knew until I had to go through this myself how many of us are in the same boat. It has opened my eyes to a whole different life that either I was blind too or just couldn't relate too, until now. Because I work full time and can't possibly afford to quit, I have had to pray about this day and night and God answered my prayer by my sister in law who lives in another state offering to take my mom for a while to their home. We were at the point were mom could not be alone. She has stage four colon cancer and beginnings of dementia and f high fall risk. She had lived in my home for 17 years in her own living quarters. I was at a crossroads of having to hire in home care or locate a facility to place her in. With in home care she would only be able to afford daytime care and the nights and weekends would be on me and my husband. And I know you all can relate to the work it is at night and on weekends to watch a loved one. My husband and I would sleep with one ear open and usually either he or I would have to assist her during the night. We had a baby monitor, alarms and bells. Needless to say we got no rest. With mom now at my brothers home in a transition before going to a facility in that state we have the freedom but let me tell you my heart is heavy. I can't even type this without tearing up. I feel like I let my mom and family down. But I can't take care of mom anymore. I've used up my vacation/sick leave banks in the last few months caring for her when she was really bad from the chemo. Again, God is taking care of things for us. I just need to quit beating myself up over it I suppose. Too all of you that are in the caretaking position of a parent and trying to maintain a marraige, job, life....God bless you. The only thing that is a constant is that it won't last forever, even tho it feels like it. I don't know which is better, the freedom of not worrying 24/7 about my mom now that she is with my brother or the fact of having my mom with me and being able to spend this last few months of her life with her. Both options are hard to bear.

Freqflyer, you make a great point. Financially the caregiver does suffer and it certainly is not worth financial ruin. Try and find some assistance any way you can, you deserve a life and a break. I am not familiar with what is available in the U.S. Here in Canada there are social agencies who could direct or refer you.
Hang in there.

We moved in my FIL last Oct 2014. I work Full time and My wife works 3 days per week. No daycare for us, as for all his issues my FIL does reasonably well when we're at work. But i feel your fatigue as well, I have burnout, and for me work is almost like a sancuary. My wife is holding back sending my FIL to AL so we can have our lives back, as she feels it's her duty to be caregiver. But it is I who does all household stuff, as her back is not great. So I am just twice as tired. Only when I confronted her as he needs to move on, not just for him but for us as well--as i cannot be caregiver to both and keep working. Simply put I said if I stop working to do that, we lose the house. Need to think with our heads, not just our hearts.

I totally understand what you're going through. I work full time and take care of my mom who has dementia. At one point I was giving a aide 3/4 of my salary to take care of my mom in the daytime so I could work. A friend told me about a daycare where she could stay while I am at work. They have grants that can pay for some of the days and it is only $45 a day for the extra days. This place h as s truly been a blessing and mom loves being with others. They play bingo and do her nails. They keep them busy all day and she is tired enough to sleep at night.
The daycare told me about the grants on my First phone call to them. Call some adult day cares and see what they have to offer you.

If anyone is thinking about resigning from work in the near future, please read this...

Here are some things to think about if one is trying to decide whether to quit work to care for an aging parent.... on average if a working person quits work he/she will lose, over the years, between $285,000 and $325,000 which includes not only loss of salary, it also includes the net worth loss of the health insurance; loss of money being put into social security/ Medicare; loss of other benefits such as matching 401(k); profit sharing; etc. [source: in part Reuters 5/30/12]

If her prognosis is long term, or as she further declines, you may need to consider a facility. Do not give up your employment/income, this would only be a hornets nest of problems if you do. Not even a superhero can be working professional by day and caregiver at night long term.

Get help at home. Your county should have some help available to caregivers. Many times,the caregiver help is free. Good luck♡

Exhausted though you are, you are likely better off than the people who stop working. You still have a life, a job and a financial future.
Take as much respite as you can. Get help where you can, example pre-made meals, clean around mom as needed, less often in other rooms. Opt for a little free time over aspiring for a good housekeeping award for yourself. Best of luck to you.

As far as FMLA.. bank your PTO and then use that to cover your lost hours,, I do that and it works well

rioblu, I am actually looking for a full time job even tho I care for my grandfather all night and lunch and dinner... ,plus I have my own home with 2 kids so I dont know how Im going to handle it when I find one. Im sorry your losing sleep and you do need a break. Having another aide or " company" for an extra few hours would be great, but I know financially its not always possible. I agree with the others, what about family or friends?

I have in home care that comes from 0900 untill 2pm for some of the days of the week. My situation is that she has been having some overnight or early morning problems which put me in the position of not leaving her alone. I have intermittent FMLA, but that does not pay for the lost time. Is there a way to be compensated ?

Please remember that caregiver work never takes a holiday break. It is 24/7 365 days per year. I don't think even a Saint could survive the work.

I am lucky that my parents live with Hubs and I and Mom may be frail but she is sharp and active. Also that my job is 3 12 hour shifts a week, so I am home alot. We have a PT CG for 5 hours a day when I work to help with dad, and give Mom a break. They do most of the housework, and Mom can still get Dad dressed, bathed, etc. I do let the CG take them to routine Dr apts ( podiatrist, check ups ) , It's worth the .47 a mile..LOL

Oh yes it's possible. But the toll is great.
My husband and I own a large garden center/landscaping company which we started and then successfully operated together. Four years ago, my wonderful husband died. My son and I now run the business.
Think - extremely seasonal business.
In spring, we are ridiculously busy, busy, busy.
My husband and I built our house right at the garden center so I am "always at work" and as the owner, I can assure you that my work is never done.
My business office, phone, time clock etc is in the basement and I work there all day. This time of year the phone is non stop. Payables/receivables also non stop.
My MIL is bedbound upstairs and I run up and down the steps a hundred times a day to take care of her, check on her, etc. At days end, I am exhausted.
I am lucky that she is now at the sleeping/staring stage and has very few words but the caregiving still wears me out.

So...............I understand how it is to work full time and be caretaker.

Also, my own mom (88) lives alone and has no car so I briefly run over to her house delivering groceries etc.

Respite care is important. The best help may be family or a caregiver if you can afford it. The last resort is an assisted living arrangement. If no one is available for appointments, how about hiring a social worker?

Freqflyer, good comeback to Dad. It isn't fair for our parents (in my case, who did nothing to help me make it in life) to expect us to quit our jobs to take care of them. I realize many people do that, and sometimes they may have no other choice. I thought we had no choice with my mother and it took a long time to figure out an alternative to having her in my house, but we did.

cmcwrinkl1, you are right about the baby boomers will be needing professional help in the not to far of future, and there are LOT of us.

My Dad keeps asking me why don't I quit work, even though I went to college, women of my age group usually wound up getting secretarial or clerical jobs, because back then, employers were assuming that women would get married and leave employment.... thus, I don't have a wonderful pension to fall back upon like my Dad does, I need to keep working. Even though I am quite fugal, I still worry I would wind up living under a bridge in my old age.

My Dad kept pressuring me to quit work until I asked him if he resigned from his long term professional career to take care of his parents..... ah, no.