I live an hour away from her but I have felt the need to see for myself how she is doing. I can look at her face or hear her voice and know how her day is going. Although I understand completely, I’m having a hard time with this quarantine. She seems to be getting weaker and weaker every day.
If she had no advance directive and it was a separate phone call, perhaps it was the staff going through a list of everyone for whom they had no guidance for regarding end of life wishes and who had tested positive. Don't give up hope. Staff do a lot things related to protocol without bothering to think about how it leaves family feeling.
Doesn't make it easier for her--but in time, it will for you.
My mother has undxed dementia and couldn't tell you when you last saw her or what you spoke about. I don't see her much these days (she lives with YB).
I try to make each very short visit as pleasant as possible b/c I know she won't live forever, and I don't want my last words with her to have been unpleasant. I am finding that harder and harder to do.
If she cannot carry on a conversation, then you should probably sign the DNR. I know that's hard--but we all know our LO's don't go into NHs to get well. They go to die.
I sound callous, but I'm not. Our parents will not live forever, and sadly, it;s looking like COvid19 is really taking its toll on the elderly.
Try calling her and if that isn't workable--maybe send a living letter in to her for an aide to read to her.
Life generally doesn't work out the way we plan, does it?
So many of our elderly have become infected. Even with frontline workers doing their very best, it’s still so hard to deal with this situation at hand.
Best wishes to you and your family. I am keeping all of you in my heart and prayers.
If you are lucky enough to have your parent on the first floor, you may be able to see your mom through the window. Also, see if the activities staff will do a video call. I send letters to my mom every day that the staff read to her. It is hard, even so. I saw one man who had a cherry picker and said hello to his mom on the second floor via a ride in the bucket. It shows how desperate we are to connect.
He is in Canada and I am an hour outside of NYC so even once the LTC allows visitors I'll have to contend with a border crossing and potentially spend 2 weeks in isolation up there before I can see him.
I'm worried sick about him. He's 93, diabetic, obese and respiratory and heart challenges. We speak daily, I send care packages and hope that I'll be able to see him at least one more time but it seems doubtful the longer this goes. The LTC has been wonderful about connecting residents and loved ones on Facetime....perhaps this is something you can ask about.
The only extended family I have is twin brothers and their families that I haven't spoken to for over a year. There are no aunts, uncles, cousins and very few family friends left so when Dad goes I feel like I'll lose my ties to my home country. I'm trying to prepare myself for the inevitable but it's tough.
Take care of yourself and know that we all wish you the best Debra.
But it still doesn't ease the mind and heart. Love to you.
I had her weekly gum and knee high stockings right by the door to go to her, and finally had to put them out of my own sight -it distressed me every time I saw them.
So, in our case the very worst happened. In spite of every effort and an early lock down, she became ill, and was diagnosed.
For 3 weeks, I held my breath. Every time the phone rang, I jumped and my heart stopped.
For a week, I heard nothing, and every day was worse than the day before for me. Finally, we learned last Saturday that she’d turned the corner, and yesterday, I took part in a phone conference leading to her discharge from the Covid19 program.
She is also 91, almost 92. She is feisty and bull headed and back to giving them a hard time.
I have to be resigned to the fact that I may not see her again in this world, but the joy of learning that she put this menace in its place is worth the world to me. Still hoping that somehow I can get to her soon.
My husband and I pray every single afternoon at 4 for the needs of those who suffer and those who love them. We are old, and unable to help any other way.
My aunt went into the hospital last saturday and I found out from my weekly call to her that she was not at the nursing home (... I should be on the emergency contact list and she was admitted into ER but there was no call). The staff at the nursing home and the nurse at the hospital was forthcoming with her status once I called.
The hospital nurse was kind enough to arrange and facilitate a call and this meant everything. My aunt heard that she was not alone and we were with her in spirit. I am grateful for all the healthcare workers who are on the frontline which is the current situation. As family, their actions mean everything since we can't be present.
Even when you are able to be with a loved one in the hospital or nursing home, there is not much you can do but be present. Hoping my aunt knows in her heart she is not alone at this time.
Just today the assisted living told me and my brother that mom needs to move to a nursing home. We weren’t surprised, as we had a bit of a warning that this might be coming. Due to the lockdown I had to tell mom the news by phone today instead of in person. Mom is distraught and scared. She knows that her children can’t help with the move, that we can’t go with her to the new place, can’t get her settled in the new place, can’t even give her a hug. All of our hearts are breaking. Not knowing how long lockdowns will be...will I ever see her alive again?
I fear she will now start to decline fast. She’ll be with strangers and can’t see her family. What’s the motivation to live?
To anyone who reads this, thanks for listening.
DebraHanna, thanks for sharing.
l
One size does NOT fit all in a long-term care facility that is supposed to be person-centered. Some family members, who do not work and are self-isolating, are probably less of a risk to spread the virus than staff are, who must commute every day, live with families who may have contact with others, etc. Why can't we arrange visits? Until families can unite in presenting their wishes, we won't break through the wall of CYA policies and practices.
In the meantime, I try to keep in contact any means possible: lots of phone calls; Facetime, Skype, Zoom or Facebook online meetings with those who can and will use these; letters, pictures, and occasional treats.
I am also getting ready for when we can meet again: waiting for higher filtration masks to arrive in the mail, keeping healthy myself, and making a "wish list" of activities.
If HCP are allowed to work before meeting all criteria, they should be restricted from contact with severely immunocompromised patients (e.g., transplant, hematology-oncology) and facilities should consider prioritizing their duties in the following order:
--If not already done, allow HCP with suspected or confirmed COVID-19 to perform job duties where they do not interact with others (e.g., patients or other HCP), such as in telemedicine services.
--Allow HCP with confirmed COVID-19 to provide direct care only for patients with confirmed COVID-19, preferably in a cohort setting.
--Allow HCP with confirmed COVID-19 to provide direct care for patients with suspected COVID-19.
--As a last resort, allow HCP with confirmed COVID-19 to provide direct care for patients without suspected or confirmed COVID-19."
What you can do is call up the director and see if they call you back using Skype, FaceTime or another form of visual instrument. At least you have the comfort of seeing your love one during your talk.
a lot of the elderly care would accommodate your request. Try it and best wishes.
What about what happened during the 1918 Spanish flu? How did our grandparents make it? Please take that history as an example. Did their lives forever change? And in what way?
What I do to try to keep my mother's spirit up is we go through various stupid questions as she says, so that her mind does not wonder, I tell her why I am not visiting but not all of the details, give your parent the chance to be a parent again if she does not have any dementia, instead she will think of you and your family worry a little like a parent should. My mother even now asks the orderly or nurse to call me f she is sad or lonely, does her rehab and tells them she is staying strong for me. I tell her I will stay strong for her and as soon as the lockdown is lifted I will see her, so this is what she holds on to, and what I do. It is not much I know but at this time, it is what we have.