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The other day I sent an email to all my siblings about my mothers finances. The only part I have in it was doing the online banking. My two sisters have taken over everything else. Among my siblings there is only division. We no longer talk or communicate what so ever. Except through my mother. Her finances are getting very low. So I put out an email to let the siblings know we should have a plan. But it backfired on me. My mother had called me within an hour ...upset...and asked why I did that. I did not want to start an argument so I told her I was at dinner and would have to call her back. At the time I was shocked that they got to her that quickly. But I shouldn't of been that is usually the way they handled things. Was I wrong for putting out that email? I received a text message yesterday stating the password has been changed. So I was taken off the banking system. No I did not discuss with my mother if I could do this. I thought it would make her worry more about money. I did send out a follow up email apologizing if the email offended anyone. And I did say the last thing I wanted to do was to put more distance between me and my mother.

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Debbie, I checked for earlier posts you made to get some background on this situation and found this one, made on 9-25-14:

https://www.agingcare.com/questions/siblings-are-changing-moms-will-third-time-172353.htm

This was very insightful, so I didn't search for any other posts you might have written.

It seems there are some changes. Perhaps you could first update us on these statements, as they do seem to suggest that you were out of the loop for a while:

1. "I am not sure where to begin on why I don't go see my mother anymore."

2. "They (siblings) took over all her bank accounts.....at one time my mother made sure she had all of us on one of her accounts.....now just the select few are on there."

Did something occur that persuaded your mother to include you as a signatory to her accounts? Yet very quickly after a text message your name was removed. I'm not sure I'm following this correctly - your mother added your name then removed it after your siblings texted you, and apparently contacted your mother?

It's pretty clear that the siblings aren't in harmony about how to handle some issues of your mother's care. Your question asks about making the siblings aware of your mother's finances, the basis for your e-mail query.

Apparently the purpose was to create a plan for financially helping your mother. What's that situation now? Is she still living alone, able to manage in her own home? Why are her finances "getting low"? Does she have home care? Any assets? Who manages them? Are any of the siblings helping her?

I have a suspicion that the friction in the family is going to prevent any collective agreement but I'm still unclear what the friction is about. Perhaps you could shed some light on this situation so suggestions could be made.
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I did start to go back and visit my mother on a slow basis. She never put my name back on to her accounts. Years ago I set up online account for her to help pay her bills. I was never stopped from doing that until now. I really didn't pay her bills she would just call me to see if her checking account had a good balance.

Yes she does still live alone. Yes there are siblings there helping her. The reason her finances are depleting is complicated but I will try to explain My father owned a plumbing business and then my brother took it over. It was always run out of my mother house. My dad died in 1999. So my brother has been paying overly generous amount of rent to her to help her out and like buy the business. No other sibling wanted anything to do with the business. He took care of the house with no complaints from anyone. Until a few years ago they accused him of having my mom pay his taxes. Some really bizarre accusations. Even though he was accused of all kids of stuff they lowered his rent which in turn lowered my mothers income. Fights broke out within the family stating whether he could move his office or not. He did nothing but helped her out. They were very arrogant and claimed my mom was paying his bills. Well its been a few years now with the low rent and she is not making it with the bills she has. She has good health care but no prescription coverage. He does not live there and hasn't for years. He just kept an office there.

I sent my siblings an email about her finances. I received a text message from the bank stating the password was changed. My sisters got together with my mother (I guess) and decided not to let me see the accounts anymore.

There is a lot of friction but its like pulling back an onion just a lot of layers. I just wonder if I should of sent that email.
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Without knowing the entire back story, I don't see any problem sending that email. Sometimes we just misjudge how others will react. Seems like that's what happened here.

Looks like you've been relieved of responsibility. While your feelings may be hurt, I don't see any evil intent with what you say you did. I will say that I hate emails for situations that may be dicey...something you might have known. Words on paper are often less clear than phone calls...

It's done and over. Put it out of your head if you can. If your own family is going to impute bad will into your sending it, there's nothing you can do about it anyhow.

Ignore the bank account change. Less work for you. And discussing it with your sisters is a fast track to an argument.
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Debbie, i think this is water under the bridge. It sounds as thougj your very honorable ontent not to cause your mom any worry or agitation over her finances backfired because your siblings saw something else. I have no idea how they thinv and probably, neither do you, as you sound like a straight shooter. Less work for you.
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Quoting one of my favorite contributors to knowledge network groups
Attorney at law Kevin P. Keane:
"agreements not reduced to writing, are NOT worth the paper they ain't written on."

Feuding family communications are best reduced to writing and archived. When I found myself an executor of an estate I copied everyone from A to Z

It is known a CYA.
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Debbie, you did nothing wrong in writing your email. It was not designed to forward any personal agenda, nor to criticize anyone else. You had your mother's best interests at heart. Unfortunately it sounds like the family dynamics overshadow the matter of your mother. You've done the best you can and you sound like the kind of person that is far above the games the others seem to be playing. Be strong.
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Debbie, yours is a good example of "no good deed goes unpunished." Just let the situation go as much as you can. You did nothing wrong.
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Sure sounds to me like you have nothing to feel bad or guilty about. You apparently were doing nothing more than alerting your siblings that Mom may very well be unable to support herself financially soon. If there is anyone that should feel bad, it's the siblings that forced your brother to stop paying the very high rent in an effort to keep her financially afloat. You do say they are "helping" your Mom. Is that care help or financial help? Because, if it's care help, is it possivle that they are tired of caring for her & will use her lack of funds to sray in her home as a way of placing her in Assisted Living on Medicaid? That way they are released of the burden of caring for her & still *appear* to be the "good daughters"...ie. the only reason you're going into a home Mom is because you ran out of money, not because we don't love you & want to take care of you anymore. Also, could they potentially be scheming to take ownership of her home by allowing her finances to dwindle & they "ride in to the rescue" & buy the home from her at a ridiculously low sum?
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First, I empathize with you... Second, I believe most such problems can be solved in three minute's time. I do not mean that the problems go away. How? Well, you said mom does not have many assets left. So, you are now free of being involved with that.

I suggest thinking of relationships. You, your mom and siblings . I gather your mom is most important to you. Thus, treasure her. It appears you and siblings have been more or less estranged for some time. Is the main issue not "control?" and by that I mean well-meaning control on your part? We can't control what others do or think. It is frustrating and fretful to even try, much less be consumed by such issues. Thus, salvage and preserve anything good in your relationship with siblings and let all the rest slide. When mom goes on to her reward, you and each sibling may or may not receive anything from mom's estate.

Meanwhile, love on momser, be cordial with siblings, deflect mom's comments about any family squabbles and so on. Bring a handful of old black and white photos with you next time you go to see mom, and talk about old times.
If mom asks such questions as "what about this or that concerning her finances or assets or who is in charge of what" just say "I've been thinking about that, too. I'll ask the others." Then pick up another photo from the 1930s and ask, "Isn't that guy in the background Uncle Frank?"

Grace + Peace,
Bob
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Dave IFM is right: if there is no written agreement, all bets are off. You need to get to an Elder Law attorney right now or you will find yourself cut out of the estate. The siblings need to provide a reasonable justification for their actions. Have the attorney handle communications with them and state clearly what consequences will occur should any family member attempt to coerce or influence your mother to change her will or any estate plans that include you. Don't worry about upsetting people; it's impossible to work through a disputed estate without some ruffled feathers.
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You need to get tough skinned in these family matters, try not to let yourself hurt over what siblings say and stay calm if there is any contact. I see no wrong doing in your email...it just shows concern.
My belief, opinion is that all kinds of factors and emotional and sibling stuff plays in during these times. Jealousy, suspicions, greed, anger. It certainly shows the quality of character of those whom we are dealing with. Part of all of this can be due to the younger generation having to accept losing our parents soon. Also, in some situations unresolved grief turned to anger. Childish concerns over who's Mom's favorite, etc. All kinds psychological factors can play into these times. I am very frustrated by the stress it causes our parents and us with good intentions. This time is so difficult anyway but family problems magnify the difficulty tremendously. How must our parents feel...with being caught in the middle of it, feeling the cause of it, and dealing with their own decline, meanwhile being bombarded with ill intended comments and happenings.
I believe the troublemakers stagnate the process of the positive that could have been obtained. Troublemakers looking to do little and find, create fault with those trying to help...and it is bullying. Again, I am not professional in any of these matters...and what I say is my opinion and belief.
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Debbie--
I have found that communicating with my sibs through email is a waste of time. Emails are so short, and seem very impersonal.I find that I have to CALL each sib, take notes on the call and then get everyone's input and then maybe call a family mtg. This has worked maybe once or twice in the last 11 years.
You're right about the layers of an onion...families are like that. We may have all had the same parental upbringing, but we do NOT have the same kind of relationships. And money enters into the picture. Never helpful. I have been working really hard on having a better relationship with my own mother, as hard as that has been, I know she's not long for this world and I want to be on good terms. Sadly, whenever I visit, she talks about the 3 sibs who NEVER visit and asks about them. (sigh)
It sounds like the sibs freaked out over your email and got to mom. She could have misinterpreted what seems like general concern on your part to be greed or overstepping...I don't know. Take a breather from it. You can't do anything right now that's going to help. Sounds like you have had some squabbles in the past. That probably isn't going to change. Best of luck--you've have a lot of great advice given to you.
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I can't believe no one has mentioned that the OP's siblings are doing the day to day "hands on" caregiving, while the OP's only role is online banking.

She lightly glosses over this with her "yes they are siblings there helping her", well than let them handle this.

Sounds like they resent your lack of role in any actual caregiving. If they're able to change the password than they have access to the account, so they're aware of the situation.

If you're so concerned than you get in the car or get on a plane and deal with this in person.
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Emails can be proof of what you have said, and may be used against you...be aware.
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Metoo,

Good insights into family dynamics. The point you made about the effect of squabbling siblings on parents is well taken. It's unfortunate that in such situations the sibs can't rise above their personal goals and pull together for the larger good, which is the care of the parent.

Also good advice on e-mails. A whole new area of law has developed dealing with online and electronic communications, especially in business (and in politics, as Hillary knows well), as well as retention policies of firms as to their e-mail communications.
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Also, e-mail communications can be used in support of a position, especially one in which one person it handling all the care w/o support of the other siblings. E-mails provide documentation of siblings who are asked to participate but decline to do so.
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I communicate almost 100% by emails when it comes to anything that involves my mom. I handle all her financials, including bank accounts, paying all her bills, we pay a sibling a good amount of $$ per month for taking care of mom and watching her 24/7. My mom does have rentals and that money is 100% used for her care. Once a year I update all my sibblings with a quicken financial yearly report of all accounts and I tell them if they need to see the back up for any of the accounts, my doors are opened and they are welcome to review Mom's financial binder. I've been doing this since my Dad passed away and although it was very stressful to start up and getting it place. After a few years of my siblings seeing the yearly reports they know that I'm taking care of everything and doing it by the book.. When there is questions or problem with the rentals I shoot all of them an email get all there opions and advice and work with what I think is best for me to handle since I'm the one with all the trouble. AND NO I DO NOT PAY MY self for doing this. But I do feel that one day when my Mom time on earth come to an end. I feel that I should pay myself something. After all I do spend a lot of time and gas taking care of the rentals and not to mention the stress just paying her bills. I know my siblings are happy with what they see me doing. Because none of them want to take over. I have had very stressful situations with my mom's 3 family house and had to make big decisions on hiring contractors to fix things in the home. And not to mention VERY STRESSFUL situations with bad tenants. Where I would ask for help from my siblings by email and they all basically just said for me to do what ever it take to fix the problems. That mom has money to pay for it. Well at least I have all that writing in a email that I saved into a folder. Just in case later on they think they can get one over on me. Thanks for reading me vent alittle and at the same time I hope this helps someone out there too.
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Debbie, it sounds like you did the right thing and are doing your best to keep your siblings informed about your mother's finances. They chose to react in a negative way and are using that as an excuse to take financial access and control away from you.
My situation is that my sister, the very least trustworthy member of our family, has 100% control over our mother's ~ million dollar estate. She does not communicate anything to any of us 3 siblings about our mom's finances, and my mother is totally clueless about all things financial. So my sister pays all my mom's bills online using access to her accounts. While I was there visiting a couple months ago, my mom's land line got cut off. When she asked my sister about it, she found she hadn't paid the bill, for how long I don't know! It was sitting on her coffee table she told my mom. She also only paid $100 on my mom's $600 credit card bill. My mom had told her to pay off her credit card balance every month. When she asked my sister about that, she got some lame excuse. Coincidentally, my sister and her parasitic boyfriend had just returned from a trip to NY. My conclusion is that my sister is short-paying (or not paying) my mom's bills and dipping in to her accounts to supplement her travel expenses. But my mother and sister keep it all in their own little world and nobody else has any information about my mom's financial matters - period. That includes her will, annuities, bank accounts, insurance proceeds, etc. My sociopathic sister is the only one privy to this information. If I even ask a question about any of it, I get labeled "greedy", even though they all know my husband and I have assets at least triple what my mom has. So, in other words, my husband and I aren't sitting in a bird's nest with our beaks wide open waiting for any worms to fall in our mouths like they are. My sister wants things just the way they are - her 100% in control and possibly hijacking our potential inheritance out from under us. I haven't been able to figure out how to go about remedying this situation, but would like any suggestions you all may have. Debbie, in a way you are fortunate that you mom is running out of money. Nothing for your siblings to fight over, except how will you all pay for her care going forward. Watch them scatter when that day comes!!
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My sister plays all sorts of games with my clueless mother. She told her that she couldn't communicate with me about my mom's health issues because I had her blocked on email and Facebook!!! Outright Lies!! My sister in fact blocked me several years ago on Facebook, and I have never blocked her on email or FB. So now, a week after I told my mom that was another of my sister's big lies, suddenly I am being cc'd on emails my sister sends to my two brothers. Just like magic!! It never ends...waiting for the day I never have to deal with her again. She has totally made a miserable situation out of something that should have been four siblings lovingly contributing to the care of their widowed mom. Instead it is a dogfight all the way. So senseless - well there is sense to it. $$$$$$ My sister is seeing dollar signs and is just so greedy she is beside herself.
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You didn't mention your mother's age or mental capacity, but it sounds as if she is 'with it'. Even mild dementia in a person can still be considered and yet still share information in simpler terms. I don't know the family dynamics but I think what you describe is as old as Cain and Abel! I have four siblings and they cannot agree with me or each other on almost anything. My husband and his brother were co executors, co POA's, everything. But BIL lived nearby and also flat told us he had not prepared for his retirement and didn't think of the money mom had has hers alone. We felt differently and that was the root of all issues we had with him, aside from the fact that he HAS to be in control no matter what. I guess I would recommend in the future not going behind your mom's back and keep her int he loop IF you even want to be involved. There got to be a lot of triangulation with my mother in law; she'd complain about BIL, want us to 'help', we would ask her flat out if she wanted us to talk to the brother, etc. and then he'd come back and work her and she'd change her mind. She was very elderly and in a nursing home, had some mental issues that were slight and exacerbated by ongoing UTI's but fully capable of making up her own mind. We decided to let it go. Things were not handled the way my husband would have and hence her life was not the quality of life that she might have had. But we respected the fact that she was ultimately the decision maker and that she had a knack for triangulation! As for my parents, with three more siblings even than my husband has and knowing all the personalities and history I am staying OUT of it. Lots of reasons that would only take up space here! Anyway, I am sure you meant well but if you want to avoid future issues like this - and you SAID you should not have been surprised! - go directly to your mother and talk to her first and then the siblings. Even better, try to get everyone on the phone or in the same room together. Personally I know how that would go for me (!) but that's why I am leaving things in four other (questionably in some cases!) capable hands. Stop and examine your own motivations too, really and be brutally honest with yourself. It might help.
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gettingoldsucks, so you do no "hands on" caregiving? Your sibling does that? It's great that they're getting paid, but instead of just thinking of paying yourself out at the end, think of your sibling who has given up their life to take care of your mother.

Doesn't matter if you're paying them $$(as you stated), you should be paying them, I bet it's still less than the cost of paying a stranger. And the years they give up they don't get back.

They're also not working(well they are but not in the typical sense) so when your mom passes they won't be able to just go back into the job market. So they need to be taken care after your mom passes.

Sorry, I don't consider someone who just manages the finances as a caregiver, that's a financial manager.

I would be willing to bet the siblings of the OP resent her lack of a role other than playing banker.
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I don't think that you were wrong in sending the email. However, I think you need to protect yourself by having an estate attorney. Especially since you and your sibs don't talk.
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I have no real advice, but lots of experience with this issue. It seems none of my siblings cared to be involved with Mom's care even to commit to one day per month, which I asked of them so Mom had something to look forward to. That is, until the end of her road, they decided to get what they could or now get involved after she is admitted to nursing care. After her passing last March, one of my siblings has started wanting bank and ALL financial records from me. He says he has a legal entitlement to them, so I told him to go forward without my help then. Why should I go out of my way when they wouldn't go out of theirs for the 20+ years I cared for our mother? Darn shame how people react to certain situation, in my never-to-be-humble opinion.
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I am the middle child in our family and I became the DPOA for my mother at my request (to her). I had paid all her bills for years and years so to me it only seemed right that I took that position. I was also her caregiver for 8 years and my fathers prior to that. I took care of them basically 24/7 even though I had an older sibling that lived with us, but did nothing for them since she worked during the day.

Well my becoming DPOA opened a very large can of worms and my sibling became very angry with me, even though I had told her twice that I was going to ask Mom to appoint me. Our youngest sibling did not care and it was fine.

I tell you all this because NOTHING I DID WAS RIGHT OR GOOD ENOUGH FOR OLDER SIBLING! I got zero help from her but 1000% in gripes and complaints.
I do not know how you stated your email to your siblings but sending the email was perfectly fine. You were concerned so you made a statement to everyone that Mom's money was running low. They however interpreted it as complaining or sticking your nose where it doesn't belong. Mom was embarrassed because someone called her and told her what you had done trying to throw you under the bus.

You say "they" are spending time as her house helping her. Do you ever spend time there, helping out? Unless you live hours away, you need to be physically helping especially when she becomes ill and can no longer be by herself. Being a caregiver is the hardest and most tiring job in the world, especially if Mom has dementia or Alzheimer's. Caregivers need physical help and relief from all those other siblings on a regular basis.

It is a real shame that at a time in life when we all need to stick together as a family and all pull together for the good of the ill person....we all seemed to fall apart and get our feelings hurt and try to hurt the other person rather than show love, peace and harmony.

The act of sending out the email was not wrong, however your siblings wanted to make a mountain out of a mole hill. Your Mom does not need to be caught up in the middle of the children's arguments....she is supposed to be the ill one!

Just a note: My older sibling did not straighten up until after our Mom died. What a shame that Mom only saw meanness from her until the day she died.
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Boy, the greedin families. First, if house is sold for her care and Medicaid is expected to pay for her care, you better get a good price for it. I know its hard but just let the dirt settle. Let them handle her finances and care. I see nothing wrong in what you did. But someone must be feeling guilty.
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Hi, your free stay let it stay that way. Your mom has given you a pass just to be her child nothing more if I was you I would take it. when it come to the rest of the family they are not the air you breath so love them (the ones that love you) or leave them(for the ones that treat unfairly). Life is to short to let something you did with a good heart rule the rest of your life.
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Thank You everyone. A lot of great comments and a lot to think about. AS for my family we were very close at one time. I was there helping my mother a lot at one time. But to many events like this have happened over the years. The way I saw it it is like this family is going through a divorce but instead of kids being in the middle we put my mother in the middle. So I stepped away for awhile. It seemed like things were settling down. As far as my mothers finances she seems to be living a lot longer than anyone expected. Repairs have come up on the house that no one was expecting. As in the past my brother and I are above financially secure. Not that anyone of them are broke. As in the past my brother and I are looked at to bail people out but are not allowed to ask about their finances. And then when we do it is how dare we question them. The email was just meant to say things may be needed in the future and we need to plan something. They ran to my mother with it which put more of a strain on my relationship with my mother.
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So sorry. They shouldn't involve Mom. She just wants the rest of her life calm. Its kind of cruel.
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If any specific sibling is removed from accounts, that sibling needs to tell the others to make sure any decisions made can be legally defended in court should the need arise. Medical and financial decisions can carry over after the parent dies. Whomever is in charge at the time is the one who must account for whatever took place. So remind them of the personal liability that is a part of this process. Tell them you can not afford to pay for any irresponsible decisions on their part. If it's a joint decision, everyone contributes and shares in the positives and negatives. Otherwise let them know it is truely their decision and it needs to be one they can live with. In the meantime try to keep a relationship with your mom. I like the technique of saying you are going to dinner and will call back later.
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My mother's youngest sister melted my face off when I suggested that mom was becoming older and some changes would have to happen to let her live in her house longer. Like a ramp to the door. Help getting her to appointments and errands. She actually told me it wasn't my place to get involved in these matters and that the good Lord would just take care of it. Nefertiti wasn't the only Queen of de-nial. Since I held power of attorney, and now am the legal guardian of my mom, that aunt's opinion means exactly diddly to me.

If you don't have a legally recognized oversight role for your mom, like power of attorney or court granted custody, there are no laws preventing anyone from taking decision making and access to info away from you. The siblings who do hold those roles are accountable to the court for her situation. Without these formal designations, things can get weird & ugly fast. Nobody can "self-appoint" as guardian/custodian/attorney-in-fact. Forms, notarization, and sometimes court is involved. It's quite rude to exclude you from the conversation, but it might be a blessing in disguise.

Being a joint account holder or authorized signer on mom's account does NOT equate to having power of attorney or guardianship and overriding mom's wishes for her money.

Personally, I would drop this like a hot rock and let the control freaks have it. Just enjoy your mom and what you are able to do with her.
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