My mom, mid 70s, seems to be making dangerous decisions and I’m not sure what to do. Like going out when it’s icy, but she just healed from a break, for something random not essential. Or before she was having issues seeing but still went out. Not understanding covid and things like washing hands and sanitizer. When I try to reason with her she just gets stubborn and then ignores the topic. She tells me that she can do what she wants but these are risky behaviors. And guess who gets called when there is a problem. On top of that I’ve caught her in so many lies. I can’t be there every second but she seems willfully to do these things that lack common sense. Some of the things could also put other family members at risk. I don’t know what to do. Like she insists I take time off to drive them places when at the same time she’s sneaking off on her own. Any advice?
The more info the better advice you will get. FWIW I also have a mom who engages in risky behavior and tells me she can do what she wants. You are not alone, many here get it believe me!
Then let her speak.
Then, basically, it is over. You have done what you can. And these things are self limiting in that her choices will dictate what the outcome is for her life.
You cannot change people.
If you are speaking about dementia and an inability now to be safe alone, and safe in making her decisions, then she may need to go into care, where these decisions will be made for her.
She would pull all kinds of stunts when she was alone for any length of time: using knives to open packages (she was on blood thinners), unnecessary trips up and down basement stairs (she was a severe fall risk even on a "good" day), deciding she "had to" put up Christmas lights outside (she did have a fall from this), routinely having long conversations with scam telemarketers (I'm sure she gave up info that she should not have), letting strangers into the house, making unnecessary car trips as well (long after her driving ability had started to come into question).
Regarding the driving in particular, I didn't think I could successfully get her license revoked so I decided that I would make as many trips for her as possible so that she would have less of a reason to drive and would not be on the road as much. Nice theory? She STILL came up with the same number of "reasons" why she had to drive here and there, so all that I did for her was just on top of that.
After a long and painful caregiving experience (there were a multitude of health issues on top of her poor judgment), she had an unwitnessed fall - which we believe involved a loss of consciousness. She went to the hosp and to the nursing home permanently after that. What led to that final fall at home? She told us she remembers looking for something which was stowed away somewhere & she fell trying to get it. She had a helper in the morning, another in the afternoon, and someone was coming back in the evening. WHY she did not wait for a helper to come and search for this missing item is beyond me. Unnecessary, reckless behavior cost her what was left of her independence. She's still that same person now that she's in 24/7 care, but she's falling less and general safety is much better. I would have loved for her to learn to live safely, but the more I preached.... it seemed like the more stunts she would pull off.
One day, after promising me she was staying in all day, she crossed a very busy main street and went to Walgreens, after I purposely TOLD her I was going there to pick up her prescriptions. So you can imagine her shock & horror when someone tapped her on the shoulder in Walgreens later that day. She turned around and saw ME standing there, not in a very good mood, either. "What are YOU doing here?" she wanted to know. I had a better question, "What are YOU doing here mom?" She nervously laughed.
That was the beginning of the continuation of a very strained relationship between she and I. She's now 94 and living in Memory Care. So you could say that she was starting down the dementia highway back then, or, you could say that she has always been a stubborn ox with a penchant for compulsive lying.
She'd also insist on going for 'nice long walks' in a neighborhood she was unfamiliar with, alone, with no ID, no cell phone or medical alert button or any way to call for help if she needed it. And had bad neuropathy in her legs even then. My poor father would worry himself sick every time she did that, which was often. There was no reasoning with her, no talking to her, in fact she'd laugh in his face when my father begged her to stop going on those walks.
The moral of the story is this: you can't save a person from herself.
Something will probably happen one day to remove your mother's power of choice, and then she will wind up placed somewhere she doesn't want to be because she's made one too many unwise decisions and refused to listen to reason once too often. The hospitals are full of those people and so are rehabs.
Unfortunately, YOU are the one to pick up the pieces of the messes she is likely to make, as I have been all my life. THAT is the irritating part. Waiting for The Phone Call. And hoping for the best.
My own mother was spending money she didn't have like thousands of dollars and I tried & tried to tell her she would lose her home, but she refuse to listen to me! I and my Sig-other live with her and all I could do was pay the house taxes and house insurance, while I waited for the bottom to fall out. It finally did!! She bounced hundreds of dollars of checks, almost lost her Health insurance. I ended up saving her health insurance then I made her come clean. She spent 89,000 dollars in less than three yrs and had to filed bankruptcy. She lost her truck and my brother's truck because her name was on it and she took out a 10,000 dollars loan! And like always, I was the one who cleaned up her mess as I have done my whole life! Sigh!!!
Now, I handle all her finances and pay all her bills and the house bills!
Unfortunately, people have alright to make bad decisions and there is nothing we can do!!
I just finished reading the book, Being Mortal, by Atul Gawande, and would recommend it to all of us dealing with loved ones who are aging and/or infirmed. It is so compassionate and well written, by a surgeon with patients who deal with end of life choices, as their choices dwindle. He’s especially credible as he goes through this with his own beloved father.
There were layers and layers of issues with my mother that prevented me from helping her or even communicating with her. If you have had a good relationship with your mother then you can try to have a come to The Lord meeting. You can call her out when she is not being truthful: “Mom that’s not true and that won’t work.” You can tell her that you are not going to support certain decisions. Keep it simple when talking to her like, “that’s not working for me (like if she wants you to leave work to do something that negatively impacts your time and job), you need to think of another way.” “Mom you are putting me and my family at risk and I won’t have any part of it - what are your other options.” Sounds tough but this may be just the beginning of a long battle.
Someone on his forum suggested trying to get her to her doctor and that would be a good way to start if she will agree to go. Early intervention can help. No one would give me a diagnosis of dementia (or anything for that matter) until she was placed in an ALF and was seen by a new doctor and specialist.
I am glad you are taking some action and finding some help in the beginning of it all. So many others on this forum, including me, are armpit deep. You need to first set boundaries for your own and your family’s well-being. I would not move her in with you or quit your job to be a full time caregiver. Just saying. You need to have some mastery over the situation and not let it run you ragged. I tried to step in many years ago and it was so stressful I ended up in the hospital myself.
Unfortunately for my mother I had to cut off contact, wait until she was sent to the hospital several times and her finances were in a mess. And sometimes that’s is what it takes. I am not trying to paint a bleak picture here, I’m just trying to share that with some parents it’s not an easy journey. Start reaching out for local resources now and make sure all her paperwork now in order. Keep us posted.
Judt because ya'll don't see eye to eye about what she does, unless you have power of attorney and your mom has given up all rights regarding g her decision making, ect, you need to just let her do as she pleases.
If she wants to go somewhere and you can't or don't want to take her, let her call an Uber.
Lots of people choose to do things others think are inappropriate or wrong or even dangerous but your mom can and should do as she pleases in regards to herself.
Juse like wearing a mask or getting the Covid Shot, it is and should be everyone's own choice.
This mother is an adult. She has been making her own decisions for many years and, apparently, successfully so.
She should not be treated like a child. It is acceptable for her to disagree with family members about some things.
Don't jump to conclusions about "dementia" without medical verification. Just how "dangerous" are her decisions? Life threatening? And are ultimatums required?
Perhaps if she limits driving to short distances and familiar neighborhoods, she can continue to drive a while longer (depends on her present ability/disability). And maybe she can agree to this, if approached with reason and sensitivity. Every case is different, but It has been wisely advised in dealing with children (AND with elders) to choose ones battles wisely.
I chose where & who I could safely visit through the pandemic. (It did not include relatives that didn't wash their hands/wear masks when out).
Fortunately, my oldest daughter caught her and asked her why was she digging in the toolbox and asked mom if she could help with anything.
My daughter tightened up the shade on her lamp that was getting loose.
They forget that they shouldn’t overextend themselves because they could fall and injure themselves.
Can you notify the BMV and get her license reviewed? Ask Mom how much auto coverage she has for injuries she might cause. Perhaps her insurance company needs to be informed so they can cancel her policy?
Executive processing problems + strong willed personality = a wild ride.
Hold on.
Taking a car away from someone who is just pig-headed, overly "independent" and adamant they're going to do what they want is going to have some serious repercussions. In my case, a mother with dementia, really bad hearing AND macular degeneration, I was willing to stand up to any legal ramifications from taking the car away. The only other option was to wait for her to kill herself or someone else, and I wouldn't want to live with that decision! (BTW, her state she lived in at that time required "self-reporting" for dementia - ahahahaha, like that would happen!)
Sadly OP's mother could also cause an accident and injure or kill herself or others, but so could we. There are MANY drivers who demonstrate risky behavior behind the wheel, but no one takes their car away (until perhaps they kill someone.) BUT, if she is considered "competent", you can't legally just take her car away, much as it might pain you.
What may seem like lying to you may be dementia.
It sounds like you feel you do not have any option to say "No" to her.
You do have that option, and it is essential you address the issue.
You need to set boundaries for what you will and won't do for her.
Before you can set boundaries, you need to clarify and understand your own behaviors and the decisions you are making.
"Just" because there is a 'problem' (and problems, as you say) will certainly come up over and over again. While this doesn't mean you have to 'clean up the mess' after the fact, she seem to feel obligated to. Why?
Certainly not taking necessary Covid precautions is a major risk to her and others around her. It sounds like she needs to be in a facility with 24/7 care.
If you do not set boundaries for yourself and your mom, nothing will change.
By writing to us here, it sounds like you want to make some changes and need guidance/support to do so. If you can, see a therapist to gain some clarity on why you are responding to her as you are, and decide if you want to set boundaries. There will be behavioral changes in your mother 'if' and 'when' you change your behavior. She may act out more because she wants, and expects, you to behave as you have been.
Remember, you cannot change your mom, you can only change your behavior, and do the best you can to keep her safe.
To make this issue clearer, for example, my brother is about 400 pounds and I can talk about dieting and lifestyle chances but it is his decision how he wants to live his life and must live with the consequences. I cannot force him to diet or make these changes, just as I cannot tell you how to live or eat.