She was a sad person, depressed, anxiety, nervous breakdown - she really struggled with those issues. And in reading over the emails she sent me over the years they were only about taking her shopping, picking up meds, doing things for her, etc. She relied on me heavily as there was no one else. So it was not a fun relationship for me and I suspect not for her either. So that makes me sad for her and me and regretful that I did not work harder at the relationship. I didn't work at it at all. I was young and not too aware in my 20s, 30s, and 40s. My 50s I got smarter! But all in all, I just regret not really sharing myself with my mother and vice versa. We were not a close knit family, just the opposite. And now that she has passed on, I am very regretful and sad. I'd be interested in everyones thoughts as today was a sad day for me.
I would say that beneath the feeling of regret are deeper feelings of grief over never having the relationship with her that should of and could of been there if she had been a healthier person, but she wasn't. Life can't be really lived in the could of and should of's of life. I hope you will leave the could of's and should of's behind and move forward with actively living your own life. Give yourself the freedom to do that.
Your mom's mental illness prevented her from having happiness in who you were, not because of you, but because of her brain chemistry.
You are now old enough and insightful enough to change the pattern going forward so make sure your family knows how to dance and it is up to you to teach them.
Even now I can sit down to talk to my mother and she start arguing me or belittling me. It's like she's trying to push me away still, even though I live with her.
If you think about it, your lack of closeness could have been two ways. If parents spend their lives pulling the family to them, they will probably stay close. If not, they won't. This may not be the case in every instance, but in the case of my family, it was. There was just not enough love shared between people to keep everyone bonded.
You can't change how your mother was. I do think alot of people in her generation didn't talk about feelings but showed love by doing things for people. My dad never said "i love you" but felt that by putting food on the table he was showing it. My mom also didn't verbalize affection or hug us or anything like that. But she did see that we did homework etc.
Counseling helped me because i kept trying to change my behavior to please my mom - who was pretty manipulative and i think had some mental issues. It would probably help you come to terms with her breakdown when you were 12 (how frightening that must have been!) and your relationship over the years.
At the end - your mom knew that she could count on you. You showed her you cared - by helping her. Your actions speak. You can and should forgive yourself. Bless you
A mental health professional would be able to help you explore this question in much more detail. When you go to "therapy" as it's called, you are actually paying for lessons in what makes people tick and how they get there. You can use some of those techniques in your own life too, or you can become a better observer of situations. Many insurance companies cover these lessons because it benefits everyone to understand each other better, and if they are paying for it, there's no risk. I have enjoyed therapy greatly and have lots of insight into why my folks were and are that way.
When a parent suffers with a mental illness, personality disorder or some other trait that causes a rift, wall or barrier to closeness, it's not the child's fault nor the child's responsibility to fix. And even as adult children we try to fix it. It doesn't work. You may regret not trying more, but, there are people who do try A LOT MORE. And it doesn't repair it. I hope you can find some comfort and contentment as you move forward with your life.
God, give me grace to accept with serenity the things that cannot be changed,
Courage to change the things which should be changed,
and the Wisdom to distinguish the one from the other.
Living one day at a time,
Enjoying one moment at a time,
Accepting hardship as a pathway to peace,
Taking, as Jesus did,
This sinful world as it is,
Not as I would have it,
Trusting that You will make all things right,
If I surrender to Your will,
So that I may be reasonably happy in this life,
And supremely happy with You forever in the next.
I prefer this:
I will try to find the grace to accept with serenity the things that cannot be changed,
I will try to find the courage to change the things which should be changed,
and I will try to have the wisdom to know the difference.
I will try to live one day at a time, enjoying one moment at a time,
I will try with good grace to accept that hardship is part of the pathway to peace,
We live in a world of turmoil that I find hard
And I alone cannot make all things right,
But this I promise to myself my friends and my family
I will try my best to be reasonably happy in this life,
Until such time as I leave it