Hi all, here’s my dilemma,
Im living with my mother who’s 75, with my son. I was living with her previously and moved out as she was difficult to live with demanding/selfish, I was unhappy there and left but feeling guilty leaving her alone... It took me a year to actually leave but I had to for my sanity.
I moved back in with mum a year ago as she was always complaining she was alone and felt none of us (her children) cared, that wasn’t true, I would always be there, take her to my home, cook keep her company etc.. but it wasn’t enough, she wanted someone to live with her.. my other siblings wouldn’t and so I had to.
Mum has deteriorated even further and is increasingly negative, depressive and complains day and night about her health.. she suffers with positional vertigo, (for which she won’t do the suggested exercises) was also prescribed meds but claims they are not working, she also has high blood pressure and depression, I also think she has Alzheimer’s, not diagnosed as yet.. she also has hallucinations and sees things after closing her eyes and says she can’t sleep due to these..
I have become so stressed coping with her on my own day by day and I don’t know where to turn.
I work in a high pressured/stressful job and I feel like I have no relief, home to work and vice versa. I have had my own difficulties too (relationships) and I can’t cope with her troubles on top of everything 😐
I have taken her to the doctors who will refer to neurologist so I’m hoping they can determine causes and treatment 🤞🏼Otherwise If she continues to deteriorate I don’t know how I will cope without help..
I'd appreciate responses and any advice in this situation x
Mom is doing nothing to help herself. She is not doing her exercises or taking her meds. She is putting all her emotional drama on you. And through you, on your son. Even children as young as 3 or 4 understand that grandma has issues. And they remember that for the rest of their lives.
If your mother is at all capable of living on her own, I would take my son and move back out. Perhaps hire a part-time caregiver for her if she will allow it. Be frank with her and express to her that you can not tolerate her behavior. When you begin making plans to leave she will once again go into the manipulative mode. She will pull out all the stops. Guilt, pity, threats...whatever she thinks will work. Stick to your guns. You’re doing this for your son, yourself and your relationships. I would imagine that any person you become involved with with take off once they get to know Mom.
Take Mom to the neurologist and see what they recommend. Fill any prescriptions, give them to her, drop her off and leave. Whether she takes them or not is up to her.
As as long as you live in her house with her, nothing will change.
Thanks for your reply and again your input, it really helps to get outsiders perspective and what you have said makes sense.
My son does help in ways like makes her a cup of tea or getting her things around the house when she can't.
in terms of what you said about getting her help I certainly will speak to the gp about how they can help, I think if I had carers to help her with her bathing etc and just taking her out for a walk or something would really help.
in regards to the urine testing, we went to hospital recently when she started having hallucinations (now subsided, think it was do with her eyesight) and they found traces of blood which will be referred to the relevant department via gp. no infection was apparent.
I know I do need to step back and i do tell her when I can't do something for her at that time etc I lol say I'm tired eyc.. but I get really anxious and angry as I can't sit in peace at home without seeing her make lists and expecting me to get up and do some shopping or something else when she knows I've just got in from work and I'm exhausted. It ends up in argument because she starts emotionally blackmailing saying I can't do it so I have to tell u, look at how my children are don't care about their mother, and I'm old and need help etc ..
she's irrational and I tell her but I think she's just set that way and no matter what I say she will still be her way. I walk away and I just find myself feeling upset and angry at her I resent her and then feel guilty.😑
I think she's really affected my health and I know I can't let it, I will reach out and ask for support.
Thank you for your kind words and to feel like there are people that care .. x
Tell us more about this: "she wanted someone to live with her.. my other siblings wouldn’t and so I had to."
How many other siblings? Why did you think that you "had to"?
This isn't fair to your son.
Thanks for the response, to answer your questions, I moved back in with her because as I stated my other siblings (4 of them) weren't willing to. she wanted to live with my brother initially but it didn't happen, I felt obliged to as she was alone and complaining of ill health etc and I guess I felt guilty and so moved back in, plus my brother backed away and too my sister who when i left previousIy was going to have her move in with her, so i felt I didn't want to add to her let downs.
i guess I could have stayed at my own place as I had peace, but in my culture it's not a done thing and it's not even that as much as it is that I feel a duty to try and look after her as she bought us up and struggled as a single parent and now she's in need and aged I can't just walk away however difficult she is. I just feel battled with this thinking and my desire to just be alone and at peace with my son.. I may need to get some help from carers etc as I don't know what else I can do.
thanks for your response. I know I shouldn't have in hindsight yes, but as explained in my other reply I felt obliged and no one else in the family offered an alternative.
The point you made about children knowing, yes it's true but my son is 17 and is very aware so he knows his gran is unwell, and can be irrational etc, I don't want him to be upset by this living situation and to some extent he may be but I avoid any disagreements etc around him.
i feel I do need some outside help and yes thanks I will enquire about some help.
I have confronted her about how I feel and that she doesn't understand I'm tired from work etc and she expects me to run out to the shops etc every 2 days and then making lists of what else needs doing, but it turns into an argument 😑 ..
i think any one after time would understand she was a certain way yes, but I don't bring people over as culturally not done lol obviously I had relationships but they'd never met her.. I was married years ago but back then she was fine.
I will take her to the neurologist but I'm worried as she never listens and will decide to take her own complementary medicine instead of what's prescribed which is fine if it works, but if not she will still continue it anyway arghhhhh😤
I think she's getting alzheimers or something as she's incredibly forgetful and confused at times, need to tell doc about this too.. I feel sorry for her as she's ill. its difficult when your emotions areally tied and you have your own expectactions towards family etc..
In terms of moving out, it will be a last resort but i know if I don't get help or if nothing changes I'll go crazy ( already affecting my mood/health) so I will first try and establish what help she can get.
You may may need to assert yourself just a bit with your mother. She has you, right now, as a marionette at the end of her strings. She can make you jump and dance to her tune and do exactly as she says, when and as often as she says. You need to take the proverbial scissors, cut some of those strings, look her in the eye and say “Not right now, Mom. I’m tired.” Let her carry on. Walk away.
Please, Annie, don’t let this affect your health. Get some relief before it does. You know, our kids are often smarter than we are 😊. Ask your son what his ideas are about what should be done.
Come back and and let us know how you are doing. We care!