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What are your top 5? I keep getting surprises and charges. I'm thinking about Moving Mom but I'm more concerned with not upsetting her and her dementia, but times I just want to jerk her out cause I'm upset. You just never think it will come to this I envy people who loose a parent quickly heart attack..ect I hate being left with the memories of her suffering day after day, year after year. I feel so helpless at times.

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I'm sorry you're going through this. It sounds to me like you feel like you've made an irrevocable decision...if your mom is suffering with poor or abusive care, you have resources in your local council on aging or governmental oversite. Don't feel like there is nothing you can do and that there is no remedy to her being in a poorly run place. I understand your envy of those who lose parents quickly to sudden, rather than chronic illnesses. I think we all do.
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You do not say much about what the situation is, so hard to answer. But if your mom is being mistreated then I would move her. I am not sure what your situation is so it is hard for me to give guidance.

What I can tell you is that not always having a heart attack is the easy because that is how my dad died and it was not fast at all. My dad had a massive heart attack, they were able to revive his heart, but he was brain dead. We had to make a decision about life support and then comfort care. If we did not put dad on comfort care to die, he would have been put on a feeding tube and in a nursing home to live until he passed. I gave the order to put my dad on comfort care to die and at the time that was the hardest thing I had to do. I was also the one that stayed in his hospital room every night and was with him for 24 hours a day for a week. I was there when he died and had to tell my mom he was gone. This was a horrible situation to go through and I thought I had paid my dues, because I wouldn't wish this situation on my worst enemy.

So heart attacks do not always go the way we want just so you are aware of other possibilities. But now I deal with a mother that has Alzheimer's with a permanent broken leg. At first I was like what did I do, but now I look at it differently. Now I focus on giving my mom the best life I can with what I can afford and she can handle.

You do what you think is best for your mom to give you her the best quality of life. You love her and in your heart you will know what is best for her.
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trunner0,

I have often wondered the same thing myself. Why on earth do some have to linger on with such a horrible disease? To me, it would seem like those are the ones you would want to go quickly because at least then they'd never have to suffer and they'd know peace right away. What personally gives me comfort is knowing that God knows why this happens even though I don't have a darn clue most of the time. I know dealing with my mother-in-law's illness has pushed me toward what I believe is now my passion in life, that of helping other caregivers and their loved ones by being there to lend a listening ear and going back to college to get my Bachelor's degree in Psychology with a minor in Gerontology. I figure it this way, I can either lay down and accept defeat all the while shaking my head in anger or fear, or I can get up and do something positive in this horrible situation. I chose to do something to help. I feel as though God is guiding me through this process, and I may not be the perfect caregiver every day, but I know I'm doing the best I can, so that's good enough for me.

Very shortly, we are going to have to place my MIL too. Due to financial reasons and because she is getting to be too much to handle here at home, I am doing my research before she goes in the home. I found a place here in my area that seems promising, but I also know to do my homework. The sad thing is that even though the place looks great on the outside, I have to be cautious still because of the old saying, "Don't judge a book by its cover."

grace1234,

Is there any way you can get your mom into a better facility in your area? Perhaps, you could ask around and find out which ones are highly recommended where you live? I would start with caregiving agencies in your area like ones who come into your home to give respite. They may have some opinion about which ones they think are good. I know here that the agency that comes in to give us respite also sends "comfort keepers" to the different homes here, so I know they see what goes on at the different places because they do go there to keep patients company. Just a thought. Also, I would suggest doing all the research you possibly can, or maybe stop by a place you are thinking of moving her to unannounced to see what really goes on when they don't have to put on their best face to try to impress you. I don't know if this helps you, but it's all I can think of.

God bless you. I hope you are able to come up with a good solution for you and your mom.
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I looked for a facility that had their charges "all inclusive," as was recommended to me by someone who had been through the nightmare of dealing with additional charges each month for changing costs and levels of care. However, the promised 4-5% annual increase this year ended up being about 20%, which was a shock. We are doing the best we can and that's what I keep telling myself.
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I feel the same way. I feel that those who have died suddenly from a heart attack are definitely the lucky ones. Those who linger with AZ have no quality of life, remember nothing and it is just pathetic that they use hundreds of thousands of dollars in Senior Living situations. My best friend's mother hasn't recognized her for years. Last year alone her bills at the home cost $97,000 dollars. The patient has finally exhausted all of her money so now she will go on medicaid. It is sad to spend all this money on someone that is so lost to begin with. But that is the way it is and we have to accept it and do the best we can!
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Having a person with dementia is very hard my mom has had it for almost three years we watch her die everyday she gets worse and worse their are times when we think the end is near put its not she has times when she just lays their so scared and their nothing to do put hold her hand I never thought it would be this way she was a very bright independent woman drove till 90 and lived by herself till 95 she is now 98 and the last few years have been horrible between strokes and infections and losing her mind I too wish she had died quickly it seems a shame that so many die so young and others that need to go linger on
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My mom has been ill for three years I took care of her for two when needed I had people from agencies people I hired she was in a rest home ect I. Come to the conclusion that their are problems with all of them you don't know what goes on when your not their the best care she had was when I took care of her I am struggling with what to do next she is in a care home and I want to bring her home but my husband and I are not in great health I have Parkinson's and my husbands awaiting another back surgery so as hard as it is the best decision for us is to leave her where she's at it's not ideal and I do feel guilty but I don't feel I. Could do it when she becomes bedridden I will bring her home but for now she still getting up and showering in the wheelchair I should say and someone showers her and puts her in the bathroom which we couldn't do Az good for you to be doing something God Bless You
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