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If you read my previous posts, I haven't been here since 2021 and my, did I NOT take anyone's advice and just make the situation worse for myself. I divorced my husband and needed financial help. I let my dad help me pay bills until I found a better job. He wanted me to work for him until then. I thought that was fair but should have seen that I was not going to be able to leave to a better job. Everytime I would look he would offer more money. But, he can't pay enough for me to live on. I eventually had to move to Section 8 apartments where I can't sleep because of upstairs neighbors. I ended up with a slew of medical issues and no insurance. He tells me it's all in my head. I am barely managing my conditions. My medicine costs 150 a month. I need alot of tests and specialists but on 11, 000 a year I have put it off for 2 years. I cannot get gov insurance because I don't make enough. I cannot get medicaid because I make too little. I just lost foodstamps of 630 a month. His response was well I guess the kids will have to get used to eating rice and ramen. I went plenty of days with very little to eat when I was young. When that happened, something in me just snapped and I started looking for a job. I have a couple of jobs I am applying for. I'm just not sure how to go about telling him. He has been used to me for the past 2 years being at his house every Monday through Friday for 4 hours. Wheather Im sick, exhausted, the kids have things, on any holiday I would normally have off from most jobs. When I get a job I am just going to tell him it is absolutely NOT ok that my kids get used to eating rice or that I go without medical care. He is now 74 and hasnt budged on being social outside of me. But, he is going to have to learn. I had really thought by now he would have passed away. He seems fine though and I think he has another 3 years even more. I can't believe I dug myself this hole with him. I am 35 with a 16 and 12 year old. We've given up so much this past 2 years to do things his way. At least I have kept the boundry of not moving in with him but I fear when I tell him I wont be there for work he will say I need to move in with him so that he isn't completely alone and I don't know how to respond to that besides NO.

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You need to leave to have life!
And yes it takes hard work, sometimes so unbelievably hard like Alva and I described working, studying and dropping at 2 am from all this and getting up at 6am to start again!
Nothing comes without making lots of sacrifices.
Simply being companion to Dad will get you nowhere.
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BurntCaregiver Mar 2023
@Evamar

Amen to that.
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If Dad is not getting help with his depression, he needs to. 70 is not old. Other than depression, he is healthy. My GFs daughter is about 40 and is always doing something. I told her she makes me tired just listening. She told me she has suffered depression since childhood and the best way to keep it at bay is to...keep busy.

I feel for your Dad but you have 2 children you are responsible for. You are 35 and you need to get your earnings in for SS. SS only goes back 35 years from the date you apply. U can collect 100% at 67. That means SS will only go back to when u were 32 for earnings from that point on. Lets say you don't work for 5 of that 35 yrs, your SS will only be based on that 30 yrs you worked. You should be trying to make the most money you can now. So sub at much as you can. If you haven't gotten your degree get it. There is help out there for single mothers. Your 16 yr old is old enough to have some kind of job even if just the Summer months.

My GF lived in NM. She told me if they could have proved her childrens American Indian heritage of at least 18% her girls would have gotten free College educations. This was 25 yrs ago. So when you can, maybe be something to research.

Burnt may have seemed harsh but she is right, you are the only person who can do for you. My husband and I were from the lower middle class. We were given the basics but worked for the xtras. My husband and his brothers worked to get thru College with very little help from their parents. Everything we have, we worked for. And I was a single mother for a while.

You are enabling Dad or can look at it your disabling Dad. You cannot be his everything. He could live till he is 90 or 100. He needs to make his own life.
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Is it possible to take your Dad to a local Senior Center, you go with him, a couple of days a week? I think he might get comfortable and possibly even enjoy it, which would fill his void and need for you on a daily.
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Runlittlewolf Mar 2023
I have suggested this to him 1000 times. He absolutely refusues saying he doesnt like "old people" 🤦‍♀️. I really hope he changes his mind once I am gone tho.
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Get that new job.
Give notice.
Go.

Thank you Dad for the time he helped you after your divorce. Acknowledge you helped each other out.
A gift to each other.

You rowed your canoes along together to help each other out for a time. But now the river forks. You are different ages, at different life stages, time to row your own way again.

So give Dad your notice, like you do with any current job.
Hand him the collection of home care brochures you have pre-collected from a local Aged Care advice service. Offer to help set up the initial interview.

Then keep in touch. Be a daughter again. Move towards the relationship you want with him. Where adults can speak openly & honestly to each other.

Try to not let worry or fear of others' reactions shape your actions.

Best of luck!
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Do you really need advice?
You know yourself Dad is restricting you.
I, like Alva, late 30 divorced from alcoholic, enough said, decided to enroll in CPA. 5 years of working full time and more, studying until I could not comprehend anymore. Every evening and weekend.
Benefits? Endless. Confidence restored, knowledge gained, never mind financial stability and independence.
Staying with Dad will result in stagnation.
And Texas has very low unemployment. What really prevents you from leaving?
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Runlittlewolf Mar 2023
Just that I picture him all alone all day crying. Because he cries at the mention of our scheldule even differing at all. I do love my dad even tho ive grown to resent him. Im not making excuses for me not having a job and I am applying left and right now. I dont really need advice I just wanted to come back and update and really hope this would serve as a warning to some going the same path. Thank you for your words tho, the encouragment Im finally doing the right thing helps alot. I know Im responsible for the way it is due to lack of a back bone.
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Your dad should want the best for you, and right now the best is you getting a job and life for yourself. You don’t need to explain that to him. He’s a grown man who should be depending on himself. Please decide to move forward and not worry about dad’s reaction
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BurntCaregiver Mar 2023
Well said, Daughterof1930. The father is a grown man who should be depending on himself.
His daughter (the OP) is a grown woman who should be depending on herself too.
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I would like to ask a question with all respect to you.
Who provides for your children? You don't on $11,000 a year in the United States.
Please let me tell you something. If your income is only $11,000 a year and you have two minor children, the only way you're getting cut off of food stamps is if you failed to resubmit your periodical paperwork to the state. Or you're not being truthful about your income sources and they found out.
You already have Section 8 so your rent is basically free. Unfortunately the upstairs neighbors are going to be something you will have to deal with in any Section 8 approved housing. Your father is not the reason why.
When people pay nothing or next to, they care nothing. So you're likely not going to get quality people in the building. Of course there are always exceptions and I feel sorry for you if you're one of those exceptions.
I'm guessing you're a single-mother. Does your baby-daddy (or daddies) pay child support for the kids? If not, then you should go make a court date. The $11,000 is your cash income which is aside from the government subsidies you receive or child support payments.
Your kids are not surviving on ramen or rice. Texas may not be the best state for government programs, but it is not a third-world country.
You have two children who of course should be a higher priority to you than your father.
You say lower in the thread that your father pays you $325 a week and really doesn't need any care. He's actually doing you a favor. He can pay the $325 a week to anyone to sit there and watch tv with him.
Do you expect to get an easier job than basically doing nothing? Take it from a person who's never gotten anything for free. There's a lot of us who have to bust our a$$es to make 325 dollars.
Grow up for your kids' sake if not for your own.
Accept that you can't get by without your father's help, so it would be a good idea to try and work with him for the sake of your children as well as yourself.
Also, I am appauled that you're trying to work an angle off your son's Native American descent to try and collect off it.
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Runlittlewolf Mar 2023
None of that was respectful. Yes I get child support. And I also started subbing recently in the mornings. Idk why ive been told I make too much to now but it does. I dont want an easy job. I want a GOOD job where i feel productive and dont need to rely on section 8 or anything else. I am not even looking into getting my son registered, someone asked and I replied. Respectfully, take a long walk off a short pier.
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No sounds fine to me! Go for it and live your best life!
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I just looked up the Texas income table for Texas medicaid. For a family of 3 you cannot make over $2559 a month. You are only making $1300 a month. I think there maybe more going on here. Does Dad give you a W2 at the eoy or is he paying you under the table. Something happened that made you lose coverage and its not your income. No one can live on 1300 a month with children. Even with HUD you pay 30% towards rent. Thats almost $400. That leaves you only $900 a month to feed and cloth ur children. Also pay utilities.
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Runlittlewolf Mar 2023
I started Subbing in Jan in the mornings to add some more breathing room to our finances. Apparently it was the wrong thing to do and the 11000 is from my dad but i do get child support should have mentioned that
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"I cannot get gov insurance because I don't make enough. I cannot get medicaid because I make too little. I just lost foodstamps of 630 a month."

The part about Medicaid I do not understand, you make too little? You have 2 children ur supporting on less than minimum wage if working 40 hrs a week. If you were working 40 hrs a week at 7.25 an hr (Tx minimum wage) you should be making 15k at least gross. Why were your food stamps taken away? I have heard on the forum that TX is not a good state for help. Maybe you need to consider moving to another state where the minimum wage is higher and help better to find.

Does your name represent mean that your an American Indian? If so, is there no help from your tribe? I have a friend who gets money thru her tribe and so do her kids.
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Runlittlewolf Mar 2023
I'm sorry I make too much for medicaid. My dad pays me 325 a week and that's all he can afford to pay me. It goes quickly. And now, without food stamps, there will be absolutelly nothing left. Texas is a bad state for help. According to Food Stamps, I also make too much to get assistance now. I would LOVE to move to New Mexico but my son would like to graduate with his friends and I don't blame him. Besides, there is no reason for me to not get a job where I don't NEED assistance besides my dad not wanting me too. I have some native blood, my son is 25% according to DNA test but it's not from one single tribe and we would need a geneologist to dig up everything we need to be registered so no, no tribe.
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I am so sorry. The good news is that you are 35, and that's young. And that your kids are 16 and 12 and can not only mind themselves a bit but help you a bit as well. I sure wish you luck. Recognizing the problem is the beginning of change. Your Dad is young, so you are going to have now to think of yourself; he'll be around for a good two decades more, and you can't afford to run your life in circles around his any longer.
I know you feel hopeless, but a day at a time you can dig yourself out. I wasn't an RN until my 40s. I spent many a day taking classes and working, sitting studying cross-legged on the bed until I thought I couldn't anymore. Then, close to the end of my getting the RN I got Cancer instead and set myself back with it for another year. I just want to tell you that YOU CAN DO THIS. And that I wish you luck. And that your warning here serves to help others.
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Runlittlewolf Mar 2023
Thank you and I am so sorry about your cancer diagnosis. You are doing great starting when you can. It's more than most would. I have read that caregivers are more suspectible to cancer and other illnesses because it's te body's way of saying no when we ourselves do not. I am going to apply for any job that fits with my kids scheldules. NOT my dads. If it happens I can give him some time then great, if not, well sorry. I did want to post here as a warning to others. Please get out before it gets worse. We are not responsible for our parents. Only ourselves and our children. If that seems harsh, that's because they raised us to feel that guilt.
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Your dad does not need your help so why are you giving up your life for someone that seems to not want what is best for you.
WALK away. Better yet run.
Help yourself first. Help your family first.
You and your kids should be your top priority.
Do you want a better life for your kids? Of course you do. So start now break out of this toxic situation.
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Runlittlewolf Mar 2023
He only needs my help emotionally really. Maybe slightly physically but it's rare. He has had 3 widowmaker heart attacks and his function is 30% so he tires easily. His main problem is he is bored and wants someone to sit around and watch Tv and talk with him. And when I say someone, I mean me and only me. But it is not possible anymore and shouldn't have been this whole time. You are right. It is far past time to put me and my kids first. If he doesn't understand, than he won't get any time at all. Idk what adult child is just hanging out with their parent because that is what they want for 325 a week in this economy. I guess me lol.
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