My father in-law has Dementia. I've been caring for him for 3 years now and I'd like to take a reprieve. I was thinking respite for a week at nursing home but he's very dependent on me and already gets upset when I leave unless he's with his son. I'm feeling a little guilty about him being scared and discombobulated. The VA will pay for it but only if its out of the home. Any experience with this and picking them up after a week gone? How did your love one act when you went to get them?
Thank you to everyone in advance.
To help my father adjust and to reduce his anxiety, I framed a few family photos (Dollar Store) to put in his room, filled a container with his favorite snacks, and created a "Life Events Poster" featuring his name, hometown, where he worked, how many kids/grandkids (and their names), TV shows he likes to watch and foods he likes to eat. Nothing fancy, just a bulleted list on a poster board that the staff could refer to. It gave them topics to talk with him about. I also put several notes on the wall telling dad that I would take him home on Sunday.
Since this was our first time, I was a little concerned, but all went well.
Is your husband/his son able to assist?
I had the chance of a lifetime to take a vacation with an old friend and his lovely wife. I had been caring for my Husband and was getting to the point where I did not know if I could continue. (for my mental health I needed a break and had not been on a 'vacation" in 4 or 5 years)
He had been going to Adult Day Care at the local Memory Care facility and I discussed it with them and they had the room and I made arrangements to leave him there for 3 weeks. (yes I know a long time)
I was worried that......(in order of worry)
That he would die while I was gone.
That he would get sick
That he would not remember me when I got back.
That he would be so "institutionalized" that I would not be able to bring him home successfully.
I did not have to worry. He did well, probably better than I did worrying about him and all the possibilities.
I will tell you one "frightening" thing that did happen.
Keep in mind I was out of the country and had left my sister as emergency contact at the facility in case they had to get in touch with me they would contact her and she could get hold of me. I would also have very limited use of a computer, only if the hotel we happened to be at had one for public use.
I got a call from my Brother in law. Informing me that the facility had contacted my sister, my Husband had an infection and they needed permission to treat it.
Well..obviously I agreed to that (probably should not even have been a phone call to me she could have OK'd the treatment. Well that got me upset....
I get home....
All is well.
He did not die
He did not get "sick" (more on the infection in a moment)
I got him home and he went right to his recliner and sat down!.
going over the paperwork from the facility the "infection" that they contacted me about, the urgent one that needed approval for treatment.....
ATHLETES FOOT!
Just so you do not get a surprise call like that make sure someone is able to approve treatment without disturbing you. Obviously if it is a true emergency that is different. I am sure the VA would be a primary medical contact for you
Enjoy the time away.
stay with him .. or hire someone before you leave so he can become familiar with them before you leave and have them stay his house.
otherwise think it would be kinda cruel …
Take a little tour of the place yourself, so you can envision where he is while you're gone. It'll keep your mind settled as well.
Medicare does not pay for Daycare, not sure with a secondary. With secondaries it mainly is how much you are paying. More you pay, the more u get. Medicaid may pay fully or partially depending on income.
think it’s a mean idea … how would you like be that situation???
thanks again
deb
I did not see or talk to her for the entire week and neither did the PM and weekend caregiver. She did just fine in the nursing home. She was fine when she returned to her home and caregivers.
Your FIL will be fine. He will be fine when he comes back too. You're doing him a favor as well as yourselves by placing for a respite stay.
The shadowing routine of you or your husband having to be present with him at all times has to be stopped. That habit must be broken for everyone's sake.
When he returns after the respite stay start sending him to adult day care one or two days a week. Insurance pays for some. These places provide transportation, meals, and supervised activities. Make him go. He will adapt and some socialization will be good for him.
If you have hired homecare aides coming to your house, when they are there you and your husband should not be home during their working hours. Your FIL will adapt.
Your FIL has to be broken out of the shadowing habit before it gets to the point where you and your husband won't even be able to go to the bathroom alone.
thanks again
deb
thank you
Deb
I will freely admit that my mom's first respite stay was traumatic and her care was less than ideal. Looking at this through hindsight I realize a lot of that was due to the simple fact that no matter how good a facility and how empathetic the staff they simply didn't know mom or her needs. Facility care is not the same as one on one care in the home, it can't be. And if you haven't had a near loved one who has lived in one you can truly feel a culture shock, everything is so foreign. BUT - I still wouldn't hesitate to recommend it to anyone seeking out respite. I think a lot of problems could have been smoothed to a degree if I had known exactly, step by step, what was offered there and exactly what a day looked like🤔 It was only once my mom lived there full time that I realized I had missed out on PT, meal plans, and activities that were available but I didn't know enough to ask about.
Coming back to add - some people have had some success spinning the decision as going to a special hotel for a holiday...
Deb
There are lots of people with all sorts of reasons and issues that find new places and experiences unpleasant at first. You don’t know if he will settle into it after a day or two unless he tries it.
Some people that may know more about the picking up after a week experience are the staff at the facility such as reception and aides.
I think you deserve to have a week to yourself and if he could understand what is going on, I think he would agree. Hope you find the right decision for you. Newdawn
thank you
Deb