My mother is 93 years old, but very strong and difficult. Also hard of hearing and won't wear a hearing aid. Last night when I tried to pay the staff person for her hairdressing, she wanted the money back and grabbed the staff lady by both arms and wouldn’t let go, saying she wanted her money back. She was hurting the lady and I was scared. I ended of giving her a very small light slap on her cheek like what you would do to wake someone up, she then let go and we went back into her room, and she settled down. Now the facility is saying I hit her and won’t let me in, saying I am a danger. I am devastated. She has been there for 3 years, and they know me. I can’t believe they think I would hurt my mother. It didn’t hurt her, just turned her attention, and made her let go. I didn’t know what else to do, no other staff was around at night. Now I feel like a monster, I am 71 years old and smallish. They won’t give me a written report or return my calls, can they really deny me access to my mother? Should I get an attorney? Thank you.
Perhaps due to the holidays they decided this was the best course of action until they are advised by their attorney. They may be required by law to report it to someone and then the department who they reported it to will have their own procedures that they will be negligent if they don’t follow up on.
They would not be able to justify that behavior if it had been the staff who “slapped” your mother.
By the way, I would not be leaving any messages or using the word “slap” as to what happened. I think I understand what you mean you did but your mom is not a child and it is never appropriate to slap anyone. If anyone finds themselves wanting to or actually using violence against a vulnerable person, it is time to get yourself help and at the least step away.
I know you are sorry and it must feel awful. Yes. I think I probably would feel better if I had an attorney.
I like what Bandy wrote. She made a good point about your trying to protect the hairdresser from mom. Did anyone take a photo of mom to show a red mark? What was the hairdressers intention if you hadn’t helped mom regain her composure? Was this her first time to have your mom as a client?
And Lea has an excellent point as well. I thought with an ALF your mom was a resident and not a patient? A care meeting seems more appropriate than a ban.
Mom is a resident here. As for your suggestion of help for me, I agree, I am not a naturally good caregiver.
I know it’s the holiday but I don’t know why this situation has to wait till Monday to be resolved. I also know there are rules and procedures to follow but seriously is the director on the moon and can’t be reached?
I ask this question to the group for I honestly don’t know: would there be any value to calling the police? Could this be a form of kidnapping in keeping daughter away from mom without more information or communication from the director? I know simple as preventing a person from calling 911 (police) for help is a form of kidnapping.
I know the Director was there (facility) on Thursday, but Friday is her day off. I know her fairly well from Mom being here for 3 years and we have always gotten along fine, so I was surprised that she did not communicate with me directly after it happened. I asked the asst. Director to please have her call me and she knew I was very upset. So, I don't know. Maybe tomorrow.
“As for your suggestion of help for me, I agree, I am not a naturally good caregiver”
Why do you think you are not a naturally good caregiver?
1. you drove 10 hours to have thanksgiving dinner with your mom. That is giving. And sacrifice.
My hubby’s oldest daughter cried about how much she missed her daddy and wishes he lived closer to her. She drove from Florida to some state up north west to see her stepson. She stopped here in Kansas and stayed 2 hours then left. She barely talked to her dad.
Such a loving daughter.
2. You kept your cool when dealing with your mom. You talked with her and checked her emotions with about both her and your actions. Plus, you are questioning your action and feel shame. You did not yell, scream, belittle her.
That is patience.
I'm a natural caregiver and used to have really good patience but I tell you what the first few years of being 24/7 caregiver almost drove me to murder. Lots and lots of coming to Jesus conversations with myself saved me. And hubby.
3. give yourself more credit.
It will take more than 24 hours to get this mess sorted out. They probably will get it sorted out, it being in your mother's best interests to do so, but first of all accept that you put yourself absolutely in the wrong. Have you spoken to your mother since it happened?
The issue is this: the Kansas statute on assault states assault is defined as "intentionally placing another person in reasonable apprehension of immediate bodily harm". Which means there doesn't necessarily even need to be an injury (unlike NY, which is where I live, where, in order for something to be classified as an assault, there has to be some sort of injury - an ordinary slap doesn't rise to the level of assault here).
Whether you "meant" it or not, whether you were trying to help/save/prevent injury to the hairdresser, this is where you're at. You slapped mom, and the actions were reported, and now the facility is doing their job in protecting your mom. Which is exactly what they should be doing at this time, that's their primary responsibility to her. That they "know" you should not even weigh in their decisions; and frankly, while I know how hard this is for you - because I don't believe you were intentionally trying to hurt mom - I applaud their reaction, because it shows - to me at least- that they take their responsibility to protect your mom very seriously.
So, for your own peace of mind, I would suggest you reach out to a criminal attorney - possibly one who deals with domestic violence issues. Because if this is pursued criminally, I would expect it to go under the domestic violence statues of whatever state in which your mom resides.
Good luck.
Were I op, I would recognize this as a negotiation on Monday. Perhaps agree that for the next six visits, you see mom only in the activity room with staff around. Offer to enroll in whatever webinar they suggest on how to restrain a combative elder. Show that you’d rather work with them than fight them, but document all these steps.
If the al declines, then maybe it’s time for a civil attorney.
OP, this would be my stance.
If the ED hasn't reached out to you, they are probably waiting to hear from the attorney they have on retainer to figure out what to do.
Obviously the hairdresser was shook up and reported the whole incident, she is your and the ALs wild card, nobody knows what her perception of the incident is. She can report all of you if she feels the AL isn't protecting the residence and family is allowed to be physical with demented seniors.
Right now the AL is covering their butt by keeping you away. It will be Monday at the earliest before their legal counsel advises them.
Personally, I would not wait around, I would head home and speak to an attorney from the comfort and safety of my home and state on Monday. Because you could be dealing with a real mess depending on the ALs actions and you don't want to be 10 hours from home doing it.
Best of luck in this unfortunate situation.
One thought from me only, which is, whenever you talk to anyone concerning this (lawyer, Director, facility staff) I'd strongly suggest you LEAD WITH talk about something like, "an awful incident where I was trying to stop my mother from assaulting the hair dresser" and never with "when I slapped my mother."
As I hear it, the narrative would be something like, "the lady came to collect her pay for doing mom's hair while I was visiting Mom. When I went to pay the woman, Mom suddenly attacked the woman violently and wouldn't let go. I was terrified and felt I had to break it up and protect the woman. Mom wouldn't listen to me and she wouldn't let go. I have no experience or training in anything like this, I just kept trying to keep my mother from really harming the woman or knocking her over. I was afraid to go look for help, I didn't think I should leave the woman alone in the room with my mother, I didn't know what she would do."
If other people have advice about what they think you should have done, you can say "yes, now I can see that that would have been better, at the time I was just too scared about what she was doing I guess."