She moved in with me and we've not lived together in 20+ years. It's really hard living with her (I'm sure I'm not that easy either) but I'm a glass half full kind of person and optimistic...she's the opposite. If she has back pain it's can't just be back pain, it must be a tumor. If she her arthritis is bothering her, it must be cancer, if her stomach bothers her it must be an ulcer...you get the idea. It's so hard to remain positive and upbeat about things. Her attitude effects me and I get so frustrated with her I end up snapping at her. I have a demanding job as a consultant so I work from home, so I'm here all the time. How can I find time for decompression from the stress when I feel like I'm tied to her routine...she has to eat at certain times, take meds at certain times etc. Not to mention we just moved into a new house and I'm doing all of the unpacking. I'm unpacking her house and our house. Sorry for rambling on....
Gosh there has to be some old people that are a joy to be with when they get older you know Old wise and grateful they lived this long? Any old people ive met have been lovely why do our own parents have to be so nasty. I dont have children so whos going to look after me maybe my cat! You would think some parents would be delighted to live with thier kids when they can no longer live alone? Youre lucky she dosnt have dementia "old and crabby" i could handle anyday especially in my house my rules my boundaries.
Anyway, back to you (sorry, but I got off onto my own little gripe-fest, there). Some of it is that you have to say "no" more. It's hard, but you have to figure out for yourself which things you're really going to do and which ones you aren't.
For example, could Mom and her husband get meals-on wheels so that you cook less? And, maybe have them buy some kind of meals so that you don't cook, at all?
As for the TV and such, have you considered books-on-CD? I mention that because she can probably find more Christian books than she can Christian TV shows.
Spend some time thinking about how you can get some of this time for yourself and what you'll do with it when you get it and don't let anyone find ways to fill it for you because you need it!
To be fair to my own mom, she doesn't have a sense of where I'm at. She doesn't have good depth perception or a real sense of whether I'm standing next to her or in the kitchen with the water running. I realize she doesn't really know that I'm going to the bathroom, washing dishes, etc... and, when I realize she's been trying to talk to me, just tell her that I've been doing whatever it is and didn't hear her. If she's forgotten what it was by then, so much the better. ;-)
Hello if you look at my profile you will learn a little bit of what I an going through but lately I have been very bitchy yes that's the word to describe myself but my Mom nag's a lot she is a born again Christian and goes on she doesn't even watch TV or listen to the radio unless the program is strictly Christian. and calls me just as I go to the washroom or calls for the littlest things that can wait I am exhausted I am also cooking for her husband because he won't cook she has catered to him all her life and his ex-wife did and his mother I even dump the garbage long story short feeling overwhelmed no life neglecting myself feeling guilty for being grumpy with my Mom and partner any advice I am really depressed too. Already on a antidepressant already joined a support group etc.
Good luck to you. I know how you feel. I also like to take peace in the fact that I know I am going to heaven, no matter what sins I have committed in the past, I am paying my penance for sure! ;-)
Prime example...I let her know that I'm planning a vacation with 3 of my girlfriends to celebrate one of their 40th bday...she proceeded to let me know that I should spend my money on a new sectional (which was just professionally cleaned 3 weeks ago). And that I need to spend money on making the house a home and not waste it on vacation. I basically told her that I need a vacation and if she doesn't like the sectional, she'll have to wait about 6 months until I decide when to buy a new one. Oh and by the way, she has her own suite in the house...living room (new furniture), bedroom (new furniture) and huge bath and closet...dressing area, vanity...you get the idea.
When I attempt use the kitchen, she is in there. Watching what Im doing..commenting...telling me where to put things... I feel like I work for her and its very uncomfortable.
Im glad you have an agency to go to with your concerns. Our HHA is private (hired by a sibling)..so I have to put up with the daily nonsense.
Mama broke her ankle just before Christmas, had surgery, and the anesthesia apparently took a horrible toll on her. She is now totally bedfast, unable to eat anything now other than the nutritional drink supplements, puddings, ice cream, juices, etc. She no longer wants hot food period, cannot chew, etc. I remember how frustrated I used to get with how long it took her to walk from point A to point B. I understood it but I got so frustrated.
All I can say now is, I would give anything in this earth and heaven to HAVE to cook three full meals a day, HAVE to wait on her to get from point A to point B, have to listen to all the constant talking....and I feel ashamed that I ever got frustrated. Not saying you should not be frustrated, it is totally understandable...but oh what I would not give to have to do all those things again...
But now I am taking a page from my own play book and I know a time will come all too soon when I would give anything to be able to sit beside her bed and sing to her, talk to her and tell her how much I love her and see those little smiles every now and then that tell me she at least feels that she is loved......
This is such a hard journey...sooooo hard....I have worked really hard jobs my entire life and gone through some really difficult life situations. Nothing I ever went through was as difficult or heartbreaking as this...but it all prepares you in a way I suppose....and coming to this website some days is what saves me....we all walk the same road, just some different curves here and there...
Ready now to pull out my hair I just snapped back "I said thank you the first 5 times you asked." It just came out. Yea, I felt a little badly but you know what? She didn't ask me again lol
Alzheimers or not, narcissist or not, a bully remains a bully and sometimes the only thing a bully respects is when you finally fight back out of self-respect. Will she remember this? No, of course not. Will I? Yep...
Every comment from my Mom is negative, she even points out my wrinkles and God forbid I have a blemish! Nothing is ever good enough but then that has been the way she has been all her life.
I love my Mom but I don't like her much at times, my husband says no matter how often I go and see her he thinks it feeds her as she saves up all the complaints. I see her 5 days a week and am seriously thinking of cutting down my visits,.
I cannot feel guilty as I will have a job husband and a life to get on with when she's gone. I suggest answering 'yes mom ofcourse mom ' because arguing will only stress you out and make you feel like crap.
Remember this ;
She doesn't want to be that way . It is her illness talking , not her
A great suggestion was given to get mom enrolled in adult daycare or maybe in morning activities at local senior center including lunch. This will help mom make new friends, get involved "outside herself and you" and have some sense of independence and a life outside of you.
If thats not possible, consider hiring some outside help a few hours a couple days a week -- even if its just a senior volunteer companion to take mom out on some outings, a walk, to lunch, etc.
I know the complaining and "major" ailments are annoying..my mom did same for some time and it was a cry for attention. It was definitely annoying and maddening to me and my brother. After getting clear bill of health from doctors -- she still continued. I finally told a "little white lie" and said, well the doctor thinks you will need more care if you can't get better --- so it looks like we'll have to hire a nurse or worse, you might have to move to rehab. That nipped it and she eventually stopped. I kept saying, "mom, I work and cant care for you if you have something serious, so do you want to go to the hospital or rehab" -- nope, she didn't want that. When doctors suggested more drugs for little ailments and stiffness -- I insisted that it had to be coupled with prescribed PT and this stopped doctors from prescribing pain meds which didn't benefit her.
Try not to lash out at mom. When I'm at my wits end, I just leave the room, go to my room, go outside and cool off. It doesn't do any good to say things you'll regret or are hurtful. They are giving up their independence, control and although they are grateful for your care and being there for them, it hurts to know they are having to give up so much and have less and less to look forward to.
Some elderly are fearful and it sounds like your mother is fearful that each ache or pain will lead to a major problem. I would get her reading, watching movies with light hearted topics or comedies. Again it may be her personality or it may be that being uprooted, even for good reasons, has unsettled her. She may do better once she is adjusted to the new arrangement.
Good Luck but remember taking someone in to care for is labor intensive. You have to reduce the amount of time you "labor" at other things or you will crash and burn. Make time for rest and make sure you are eating well to keep up the pace and not feel overwhelmed.
As the elder ages, everything will take longer and longer. You really can't rush them, it never works out. If it takes 1 to 2 hours for breakfast--it does. Bathing and dressing takes hours too. So if you get a home health aide for some of these duties, you have time to work at your job etc.
I would get a home health aide to come in a certain number of hours a day to get mom's needs met. If you have a husband and or children, they should pitch in to assist with the unpacking duties. You have to have space to work without
I also agree with giving her chores she is in charge of, her room to decorate at her will. She was in charge of her own home, and the loss of control (which you are also experiencing) is difficult to manage. In the business of relationships, much like a business, you sometimes have to write down an organizational chart. Work WITH your mom to develop a list of who is responsible/in chart of what. That way limited control is established. You can be gentle, "mom, lets do this like roommates and divide the chores. I would appreciate your help. What things on this list would you like to manage? Did I leave anything off the list?"
If she is afraid she is a burden, this will help. If she is afraid you think she is no longer competent, this will also help. Then meet once a month and see if you want to trade chores. Don't complain about how she does a job, and don't correct her until it presents a danger. Thank her for helping you, even if it is not that big a deal (like setting the table).
Moving is hard and stressful even if we aren't old or that old for them harder and more stressful.
She ended up having a sinus infection with her asthma and hates hospitals, but had to be admitted, when she needed the breathing treatments more than the emergency room could handle.
Old people, I believe hate being old, dependent or needing anyone elses help,
but seem to always exaggerate to theatric movie queens about something... some cry wolf, ours did that is why we could not tell at first that she needed to go to the hospital for her asthma, it is her excuse, not to walk, or move around, she confuses, breathing a little as we all do when we exercise, as asthma...
HER QUEST; thinks that she will die...in a hospital (like most people) so doesn't want to go to one and always needs REASSURANCE, that today is not the day...
Does she have any friends who are able to socialize with her, go shopping out to lunch, catch a movie or has the move relocated her?
Can she stay in a senior center by herself, if someone takes her there?
Sometimes they have activities like exercise, lunch and in the afternoon, bingo
sometimes a few hours of not being underfoot is good for everybody.